A/N: I'm so pleased to hear from people who think that my pacing's good the way it is. Hearing from reviewers makes my day every time! I do try to make the characters behave realistically and in keeping with their personality and sometimes that overrides the speed of plot development, I guess. I'm hoping that this part will be the beginning of answering some of your questions.
Disclaimers apply as always.
---------------------------------
Chapter 20
Severus' lip curled faintly at Dumbledore's question, not quite able to restrain the
entirety of his anger at the older wizard as he muttered, "I should think that you
would know more about the subject than I. Why don't you tell us?"
Harry felt a shock of pleased surprise at Severus' inclusion of him in the statement,
seemingly without forethought. When the Headmaster hesitated and then gestured
towards the small grouping of chairs off to one side of his office, Harry found himself
obeying half out of habit and half from weariness. Severus delayed a purposeful
amount of time, starting into the Headmaster's gaze before turning to occupy one of
the empty chairs as well. The Headmaster took the third, adjusting his robes before
settling himself and folding his hands before him.
"You have had a harrowing experience, I see," Dumbledore murmured in tone of
concern and sadness. "I did not expect it to happen this way, Severus."
Next to Harry, Severus stiffened in his seat. It's one thing to suspect, or even to
know from your own suspicions, Harry thought. It's quite another to have them
confirmed. Harry felt his own posture stiffening as well, but remained silent. He
knew Severus wouldn't appreciate a distraction at this point, and Harry didn't want
to provide one for Dumbledore.
Severus' voice was somewhat roughened when he next spoke, "And what exactly
were you expecting then? To keep this secret until you decided to use it at your
convenience?"
"No, Severus." Dumbledore's words were gentle, and his sadness and regret seemed
sincere to Harry. "It was never my intent to use you," he sighed, the words 'my boy'
left unspoken while Severus was so mistrustful, showing Harry the depths of
Dumbledore's own familiarity with Severus' reactions. "Only to keep you unharmed
until the time came."
"Unharmed?" the painfully dry sarcasm in Severus' question was enough of a
statement in itself as Dumbledore winced; apparently he had some idea of what
might have come to pass, Harry noted. So far Dumbledore hadn't made any overt or
even subtle moves that might be construed as aggressive, and there had been no
changes to Severus' aura other than his quietly roiling emotions. Rather than
confronting Dumbledore about recent events, Severus opted to take advantage of
Dumbledore's apparent willingness to talk in order to get further information.
Otherwise if the confrontation went poorly there would be less chance of getting the
information afterwards. "Tell us what your intent was, and what is happening
between Mr. Potter and myself."
For an unguarded moment, Dumbledore raised a hand to his face, pressing at the
bridge of his nose before running the hand downwards as though in a wish to wipe
the subdued pain from his features. "As I said, I was watching over you until the
time came for fates to be fulfilled. It was my wish to keep you from being troubled
over this, especially in light of your continuing your duties as my spy, Severus.
Certainly you can see that it was an act to protect you from Voldemort- at least as
much as I am able with you being in your position." Severus' features remained hard
and impassive but he was listening to Dumbledore for the moment, so the
Headmaster continued, leaning forward in his seat earnestly, but carefully enough to
not intrude in Severus' personal space. "I trust you to keep our secrets, Severus. But
I don't trust Voldemort to not try and rip them from you should he sense that
something was amiss."
"And so you felt that it was your duty to weave such spells within me that show a
distinct similarity to the ones placed there by Voldemort himself," Severus finished
bitterly.
"You've seen the effect of one of my spells, Severus; I can see that it was
activated," Dumbledore solemnly intoned. "It was not my intent that it be activated
randomly. It was a guard against Voldemort being made aware of your knowledge
when I made you aware of your nature. The energy shaped by Voldemort sought to
escape you- it was designed to send him information on your status on the event of
your discovery of certain things, and to incapacitate you at the same time by
draining you of much of your energy and make it easier to collect you. Or to make
you more susceptible of following his mental commands from afar. My spell was
designed to contain that energy from escaping you and traveling to Voldemort.
But," Dumbledore's voice grew softer and filled again with remorse, "I did not expect
for it to be activated anywhere other than in my presence where I could properly see
to you and terminate Voldemort's sending as well as my own protection after
explaining things to you."
"Explaining things to me?" Harry winced as he watched Severus' aura flare with
sudden rage to match the dangerous cold tones of his words. "What exactly gave
you the right to decide what I do and do not know regarding myself? I may have
been a student still, but you are not my Father," Severus noted with bared teeth.
"No, I am not," Dumbledore admitted, "Yet you still cried out to me for help. You did
not realize it, but you did nevertheless."
"And how did I do that, might I ask," was Severus' sarcastic rejoinder.
"By following the instructions given to you by Sirius Black, a boy you hated and did
not trust, and finding yourself face to face with a young but no less dangerous
werewolf otherwise known as Remus Lupin," Dumbledore calmly replied. Harry felt
his back straighten, uncomfortable with the reminder of the conflict between Severus
and his Godfather. "It was then that it became apparent to me that your inner
strength was driving you to such lengths ... that something was most definitely
amiss." More quietly Dumbledore added, "... That you would rather kill yourself than
to continue in your situation. It was then that I began to look into what would cause
such a silent outcry ... and discovered what you are."
Harry found that he couldn't remain silent any longer, not with the darkness and
throbbing hurt that was coming from Severus. "Sirius told me about what happened
that night. Points and a few detentions," he bit out. "You kept the knowledge from
Severus back then and let Voldemort get a hold of him- let him be trapped into
becoming a Death Eater, let him live in misery for all of this time. You manipulated
him just as much as Voldemort. More even, because you knew what Voldemort was
doing. And you allowed it." Anger swelled within Harry as he stared at the older
wizard who showed no signs towards anger of his own; instead he looked older and
more tired than Harry had ever seen him.
"I have regretted much in my life, Harry," Dumbledore murmurs with a glance at
Severus as well. "But the things I have done are things that seemed necessary at
the time. Some of them were mistakes, but most of them were still quite necessary.
If I hadn't kept my awareness a secret thing, Voldemort would have eventually
found out. I could not keep Severus here indefinitely; he had a family to return to
over the summer holidays, and he would have been taken."
"I *was* taken," Severus muttered with a speculative glance towards Harry.
"Sometimes while I was visiting with the Malfoys..." Here he paused, and Harry saw
flash of protectiveness and fear before Snape continued, "I was even conditioned to
meet them occasionally while I was here at the school."
"And that is why I found it necessary to put certain measures of my own into place,
Severus." Dumbledore shook his head, "I regret the necessity, but only because of
how it affected you. If it was to happen again, I would have to do the same thing. It
is the burden of responsibility, and I'm afraid that I cannot ask for forgiveness."
"Cannot, or will not?" Harry asked with a deep frown, offended on Severus' behalf. It
seemed that it was Severus' turn to listen to Harry speak in silence, his aura
brooding and thoughtful.
"Cannot," Dumbledore murmured, solemnly studying the other man. "In all of the
time I have known you, Severus, I have grown to become quite fond of you, and it
has pained me deeply to watch this happening. But I knew that once the prophecy
was fulfilled, it would be worth all that has come to pass."
With a quiet sigh Severus asked, "Worth it for whom?"
"For us all, Severus," Dumbledore replied. "For us all."
--------------------------------------
A/N2: For all of my reviewers who hate cliffhangers, I made this chapter end with a little less of one to soothe your nerves. Enjoy. ;)
Disclaimers apply as always.
---------------------------------
Chapter 20
Severus' lip curled faintly at Dumbledore's question, not quite able to restrain the
entirety of his anger at the older wizard as he muttered, "I should think that you
would know more about the subject than I. Why don't you tell us?"
Harry felt a shock of pleased surprise at Severus' inclusion of him in the statement,
seemingly without forethought. When the Headmaster hesitated and then gestured
towards the small grouping of chairs off to one side of his office, Harry found himself
obeying half out of habit and half from weariness. Severus delayed a purposeful
amount of time, starting into the Headmaster's gaze before turning to occupy one of
the empty chairs as well. The Headmaster took the third, adjusting his robes before
settling himself and folding his hands before him.
"You have had a harrowing experience, I see," Dumbledore murmured in tone of
concern and sadness. "I did not expect it to happen this way, Severus."
Next to Harry, Severus stiffened in his seat. It's one thing to suspect, or even to
know from your own suspicions, Harry thought. It's quite another to have them
confirmed. Harry felt his own posture stiffening as well, but remained silent. He
knew Severus wouldn't appreciate a distraction at this point, and Harry didn't want
to provide one for Dumbledore.
Severus' voice was somewhat roughened when he next spoke, "And what exactly
were you expecting then? To keep this secret until you decided to use it at your
convenience?"
"No, Severus." Dumbledore's words were gentle, and his sadness and regret seemed
sincere to Harry. "It was never my intent to use you," he sighed, the words 'my boy'
left unspoken while Severus was so mistrustful, showing Harry the depths of
Dumbledore's own familiarity with Severus' reactions. "Only to keep you unharmed
until the time came."
"Unharmed?" the painfully dry sarcasm in Severus' question was enough of a
statement in itself as Dumbledore winced; apparently he had some idea of what
might have come to pass, Harry noted. So far Dumbledore hadn't made any overt or
even subtle moves that might be construed as aggressive, and there had been no
changes to Severus' aura other than his quietly roiling emotions. Rather than
confronting Dumbledore about recent events, Severus opted to take advantage of
Dumbledore's apparent willingness to talk in order to get further information.
Otherwise if the confrontation went poorly there would be less chance of getting the
information afterwards. "Tell us what your intent was, and what is happening
between Mr. Potter and myself."
For an unguarded moment, Dumbledore raised a hand to his face, pressing at the
bridge of his nose before running the hand downwards as though in a wish to wipe
the subdued pain from his features. "As I said, I was watching over you until the
time came for fates to be fulfilled. It was my wish to keep you from being troubled
over this, especially in light of your continuing your duties as my spy, Severus.
Certainly you can see that it was an act to protect you from Voldemort- at least as
much as I am able with you being in your position." Severus' features remained hard
and impassive but he was listening to Dumbledore for the moment, so the
Headmaster continued, leaning forward in his seat earnestly, but carefully enough to
not intrude in Severus' personal space. "I trust you to keep our secrets, Severus. But
I don't trust Voldemort to not try and rip them from you should he sense that
something was amiss."
"And so you felt that it was your duty to weave such spells within me that show a
distinct similarity to the ones placed there by Voldemort himself," Severus finished
bitterly.
"You've seen the effect of one of my spells, Severus; I can see that it was
activated," Dumbledore solemnly intoned. "It was not my intent that it be activated
randomly. It was a guard against Voldemort being made aware of your knowledge
when I made you aware of your nature. The energy shaped by Voldemort sought to
escape you- it was designed to send him information on your status on the event of
your discovery of certain things, and to incapacitate you at the same time by
draining you of much of your energy and make it easier to collect you. Or to make
you more susceptible of following his mental commands from afar. My spell was
designed to contain that energy from escaping you and traveling to Voldemort.
But," Dumbledore's voice grew softer and filled again with remorse, "I did not expect
for it to be activated anywhere other than in my presence where I could properly see
to you and terminate Voldemort's sending as well as my own protection after
explaining things to you."
"Explaining things to me?" Harry winced as he watched Severus' aura flare with
sudden rage to match the dangerous cold tones of his words. "What exactly gave
you the right to decide what I do and do not know regarding myself? I may have
been a student still, but you are not my Father," Severus noted with bared teeth.
"No, I am not," Dumbledore admitted, "Yet you still cried out to me for help. You did
not realize it, but you did nevertheless."
"And how did I do that, might I ask," was Severus' sarcastic rejoinder.
"By following the instructions given to you by Sirius Black, a boy you hated and did
not trust, and finding yourself face to face with a young but no less dangerous
werewolf otherwise known as Remus Lupin," Dumbledore calmly replied. Harry felt
his back straighten, uncomfortable with the reminder of the conflict between Severus
and his Godfather. "It was then that it became apparent to me that your inner
strength was driving you to such lengths ... that something was most definitely
amiss." More quietly Dumbledore added, "... That you would rather kill yourself than
to continue in your situation. It was then that I began to look into what would cause
such a silent outcry ... and discovered what you are."
Harry found that he couldn't remain silent any longer, not with the darkness and
throbbing hurt that was coming from Severus. "Sirius told me about what happened
that night. Points and a few detentions," he bit out. "You kept the knowledge from
Severus back then and let Voldemort get a hold of him- let him be trapped into
becoming a Death Eater, let him live in misery for all of this time. You manipulated
him just as much as Voldemort. More even, because you knew what Voldemort was
doing. And you allowed it." Anger swelled within Harry as he stared at the older
wizard who showed no signs towards anger of his own; instead he looked older and
more tired than Harry had ever seen him.
"I have regretted much in my life, Harry," Dumbledore murmurs with a glance at
Severus as well. "But the things I have done are things that seemed necessary at
the time. Some of them were mistakes, but most of them were still quite necessary.
If I hadn't kept my awareness a secret thing, Voldemort would have eventually
found out. I could not keep Severus here indefinitely; he had a family to return to
over the summer holidays, and he would have been taken."
"I *was* taken," Severus muttered with a speculative glance towards Harry.
"Sometimes while I was visiting with the Malfoys..." Here he paused, and Harry saw
flash of protectiveness and fear before Snape continued, "I was even conditioned to
meet them occasionally while I was here at the school."
"And that is why I found it necessary to put certain measures of my own into place,
Severus." Dumbledore shook his head, "I regret the necessity, but only because of
how it affected you. If it was to happen again, I would have to do the same thing. It
is the burden of responsibility, and I'm afraid that I cannot ask for forgiveness."
"Cannot, or will not?" Harry asked with a deep frown, offended on Severus' behalf. It
seemed that it was Severus' turn to listen to Harry speak in silence, his aura
brooding and thoughtful.
"Cannot," Dumbledore murmured, solemnly studying the other man. "In all of the
time I have known you, Severus, I have grown to become quite fond of you, and it
has pained me deeply to watch this happening. But I knew that once the prophecy
was fulfilled, it would be worth all that has come to pass."
With a quiet sigh Severus asked, "Worth it for whom?"
"For us all, Severus," Dumbledore replied. "For us all."
--------------------------------------
A/N2: For all of my reviewers who hate cliffhangers, I made this chapter end with a little less of one to soothe your nerves. Enjoy. ;)