A/N: Sorry this chapter's late, but this weekend in the middle of writing I got a bit of
experience in head trauma- I slipped and fell. I now have eight staples along a cut
on the back of my head, but the research I did for this story allowed me to know
that the injury wasn't serious and that I didn't have a concussion even before my
husband drove me to the hospital. I'm doing much better now, apart from the metal
I have to keep in my scalp until next week...
I love hearing from my readers and thank you all for taking the time to review or
even just to read. I hope you're enjoying things; this chapter has a few chunks of
goodies, I think. Disclaimers apply as always. I salivate in anticipation of Book 5
when my story and thousands of others will become definitive A/Us. ;)
--------------------------------------
Chapter 21
Snape had been watching Harry out of the corner of his eye as Potter spoke up for
him again regarding Dumbledore's actions... despite the boy's anger- or because of
it- this hadn't been easy for him; he could see Potter's posture slowly worsening as
exhaustion slowly crept up on him again. He knew the Headmaster wouldn't miss a
detail like that and so was unsurprised at the next words from the older wizard. "But
while there is much yet to tell, both of you should visit the hospital wing. You need
rest and to recover from the hardships of your journey."
"And when will we be continuing this conversation?" Snape found himself growling.
"I am aware of how much work you have to do in preparation for the next school
year."
Dumbledore straightened, his gaze one of calm determination in the face of Snape's
restrained ire. "I give you my Oath that I will not keep the knowledge from you any
longer. But both of you must regain your strength before we continue, so that we
might guard against further conditioning that has been set by Voldemort. Wards will
be placed around the Hospital Wing during this time so that no one can enter or
leave without my allowance." As Snape bristled, his rational self nevertheless knew
Dumbledore's reasoning even before it was explained to him, "It must be done so
that you aren't commanded to leave Hogwarts from afar, Severus." Snape nodded
once brusquely before getting up to leave without expression.
Potter rushed to follow, his lips pressed together in a frown that looked to be an
unfamiliar part of his face. With an inner sigh that was the only reflection of his
weariness that he would allow, Snape took his leave and lead the boy to the
Hospital Wing.
Snape bore Poppy's fussing as she was wont to do whenever it was necessary for
him to receive treatment from her. Given a bed towards the rear and the more
private part of the wing, Snape simply rolled onto his side, facing away from Potter,
and went to sleep so that the boy wouldn't have the chance to ask him further
awkward questions- and so that he would sleep as well, having little else to do.
Facing those green eyes and his questions could wait until tomorrow.
* * * * *
Blood tainted breath and a deep-throated growl made Severus wrench open the eyes
he had squinted closed the moment before, instinctively unable to hide from the
threat in his self-imposed darkness. He knew that something was fundamentally
wrong with everything - with himself.
He didn't feel it- he knew himself beyond such emotion most of the time, although
at the moment he felt the pounding of his heart in adrenalin-fueled fear.
He knew he had to figure it out. He wasn't about to just go where the wind blew
him- his rational mind demanded that he test out hypothesis after hypothesis; this
was another one of them albeit a rather drastic one- but logic demanded it.
He had controlled the variables to every extent that he could, but if he were to
receive true results that would give him the answers he needed to be certain of one
thing. That he wasn't controlling every variable- that he wasn't dreaming this,
trapped in his own mind. And that proof faced him now.
He knew that if he so much as moved to raise his wand, he would be killed.
"PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!! Get a move on, Snape- that's not going to hold him for
long!"
And so he heard the words of James Potter. Uncertainty and doubt crashed in once
more. Did he manufacture the Gryffindor- the most realistic of saviors? Was it
placed into his thoughts for him?
"Are you daft, man! Come on, run for Merlin's sake!" Severus felt himself tugged,
turned, pushed into a shambling run towards the other end of the tunnel and the
night outside. Sounds of an angry werewolf stirring and then running behind them
before they climbed out of the hole. Were there moments that he remembered
blacking out? A difference in time between one moment and the next? Did his
actions make sense to him?
Potter's voice again, "Snape! Snap out of it you git!" More pushing. Walking on
grass. Hard surface underfoot. Shouted questions- Black. Muttered answers- Potter.
More pushing and walking. Echoes. Quiet discussion. A sneered comment. Something
flicked the back of his head. Stopping. Upwards movement. A voice... concerned.
Questioning...
Dumbledore.
His voice melded... melted slowly into something else more powerful, more
aggressive in its charisma.
Severus stirred but didn't open his eyes; the curtains of numbness were slowly
parting and the spoken words began to make sense again.
"Dumbledore is sure to take more of an interest in him now that he's drawn
attention to himself. I intend to control the damage and to keep him from growing
closer to most anyone, except for... us."
A painfully familiar voice. "Will you use the Imperius Curse, My Lord?"
"My work will be for the long term, and will require changes over a period of time
lest they seem overly suspicious. The conditioning will gradually cause him to
withdraw from others. The potion you created at my request, my dear Parcelsis, will
take care of the physical changes. I am pleased with your addition of the reasoning
for the potion's use; Severus himself must also not suspect. We have seen the
results of conflict within his mind..."
The rest of the words were drowned by his shock, and he felt his throat constrict
with the pain of his Father's betrayal and the effort it took him to hold in all sound-
to not whimper, to not move.
Something touched his arm. Shaking him. Calling to him. A youthful voice,
concerned. He opened his eyes, in need of something to lead him from the void.
".... Harry."
* * * * *
... agony ... pain, but not physical. Harry stirred and woke himself, dragging himself
blindly at first towards the source- and found Severus curled into a tight ball, a soft
whimper barely heard. Harry bit his lip; he couldn't stand seeing the torment in
Severus' aura, but he wasn't sure what his reception at being awakened in such a
state would be. It didn't take Harry long to make his decision however. If Severus
thrust him away, at least he'd be awake and safe from that nightmare. He reached
for Severus' shoulder, gently moving it and calling, "Severus. Wake up- you're having
a nightmare. Wake up, Severus. Come on..."
Black eyes opened, gateways to the Abyss as Severus dragged in a breath of air.
".... Harry."
Harry felt himself beam at Severus. Perhaps they'd get back to being on a first name
basis again. It depended upon how he handled this now, he knew. A little hopefully
he fed Severus a straight line that would be easy for him to latch onto. "You're
awake."
"You're observant." Severus didn't disappoint, even while it looked like he was still
collecting his soul together from the pit he'd just emerged from. Even better, he
wasn't scowling at Harry, and the indications in his aura gave Harry the idea he
might even accept a little carefully offered comfort. He knew he shouldn't
manipulate Severus like this, using his emotions against him... but he was doing it
for Severus' benefit. Slowly Harry kept his hand in sight and settled it gently upon
Severus' still trembling shoulder. It seemed to give Severus something to anchor
himself to as he gradually stilled and the wild look left his eyes.
Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, Severus paused before murmuring,
"Thank you, Harry."
"You're welcome," Harry responded just as quietly. When Severus moved to sit up,
Harry reached over to the next bed and grabbed another pillow, handing it to
Severus to use rather than putting it behind his back for him. A smart move Harry
knew, since he was fond of keeping his hands intact. "Are you all right now?"
"I imagine that you have a good idea of the answer to that," Severus noted.
"Well then," Harry watched as Severus raked his black, greasy hair out of his face,
"Is there anything you'd care to talk about while we wait for Dumbledore?" To make
both of them more comfortable, Harry sat down on the bed next to Severus'.
With a sigh, Severus eventually muttered, "I believe I've remembered a few more
details that had been kept from me previously."
Harry debated internally between saying what first popped into his head and
restraining himself. He decided that Severus might get uncomfortable if Harry
changed *too* much, so he spoke up, "From your reaction they don't seem to be
good ones."
Nodding in pensive agreement, Severus muttered, "I know now why my hair is the
way it is. Why my complexion changed when I was younger. Why it was done to
me."
--------------------------------------
A/N2: I admit to being an evil cliffy woman. Someone's gotta do it. At least I update
weekly or thereabouts and not monthly. ;)
experience in head trauma- I slipped and fell. I now have eight staples along a cut
on the back of my head, but the research I did for this story allowed me to know
that the injury wasn't serious and that I didn't have a concussion even before my
husband drove me to the hospital. I'm doing much better now, apart from the metal
I have to keep in my scalp until next week...
I love hearing from my readers and thank you all for taking the time to review or
even just to read. I hope you're enjoying things; this chapter has a few chunks of
goodies, I think. Disclaimers apply as always. I salivate in anticipation of Book 5
when my story and thousands of others will become definitive A/Us. ;)
--------------------------------------
Chapter 21
Snape had been watching Harry out of the corner of his eye as Potter spoke up for
him again regarding Dumbledore's actions... despite the boy's anger- or because of
it- this hadn't been easy for him; he could see Potter's posture slowly worsening as
exhaustion slowly crept up on him again. He knew the Headmaster wouldn't miss a
detail like that and so was unsurprised at the next words from the older wizard. "But
while there is much yet to tell, both of you should visit the hospital wing. You need
rest and to recover from the hardships of your journey."
"And when will we be continuing this conversation?" Snape found himself growling.
"I am aware of how much work you have to do in preparation for the next school
year."
Dumbledore straightened, his gaze one of calm determination in the face of Snape's
restrained ire. "I give you my Oath that I will not keep the knowledge from you any
longer. But both of you must regain your strength before we continue, so that we
might guard against further conditioning that has been set by Voldemort. Wards will
be placed around the Hospital Wing during this time so that no one can enter or
leave without my allowance." As Snape bristled, his rational self nevertheless knew
Dumbledore's reasoning even before it was explained to him, "It must be done so
that you aren't commanded to leave Hogwarts from afar, Severus." Snape nodded
once brusquely before getting up to leave without expression.
Potter rushed to follow, his lips pressed together in a frown that looked to be an
unfamiliar part of his face. With an inner sigh that was the only reflection of his
weariness that he would allow, Snape took his leave and lead the boy to the
Hospital Wing.
Snape bore Poppy's fussing as she was wont to do whenever it was necessary for
him to receive treatment from her. Given a bed towards the rear and the more
private part of the wing, Snape simply rolled onto his side, facing away from Potter,
and went to sleep so that the boy wouldn't have the chance to ask him further
awkward questions- and so that he would sleep as well, having little else to do.
Facing those green eyes and his questions could wait until tomorrow.
* * * * *
Blood tainted breath and a deep-throated growl made Severus wrench open the eyes
he had squinted closed the moment before, instinctively unable to hide from the
threat in his self-imposed darkness. He knew that something was fundamentally
wrong with everything - with himself.
He didn't feel it- he knew himself beyond such emotion most of the time, although
at the moment he felt the pounding of his heart in adrenalin-fueled fear.
He knew he had to figure it out. He wasn't about to just go where the wind blew
him- his rational mind demanded that he test out hypothesis after hypothesis; this
was another one of them albeit a rather drastic one- but logic demanded it.
He had controlled the variables to every extent that he could, but if he were to
receive true results that would give him the answers he needed to be certain of one
thing. That he wasn't controlling every variable- that he wasn't dreaming this,
trapped in his own mind. And that proof faced him now.
He knew that if he so much as moved to raise his wand, he would be killed.
"PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!! Get a move on, Snape- that's not going to hold him for
long!"
And so he heard the words of James Potter. Uncertainty and doubt crashed in once
more. Did he manufacture the Gryffindor- the most realistic of saviors? Was it
placed into his thoughts for him?
"Are you daft, man! Come on, run for Merlin's sake!" Severus felt himself tugged,
turned, pushed into a shambling run towards the other end of the tunnel and the
night outside. Sounds of an angry werewolf stirring and then running behind them
before they climbed out of the hole. Were there moments that he remembered
blacking out? A difference in time between one moment and the next? Did his
actions make sense to him?
Potter's voice again, "Snape! Snap out of it you git!" More pushing. Walking on
grass. Hard surface underfoot. Shouted questions- Black. Muttered answers- Potter.
More pushing and walking. Echoes. Quiet discussion. A sneered comment. Something
flicked the back of his head. Stopping. Upwards movement. A voice... concerned.
Questioning...
Dumbledore.
His voice melded... melted slowly into something else more powerful, more
aggressive in its charisma.
Severus stirred but didn't open his eyes; the curtains of numbness were slowly
parting and the spoken words began to make sense again.
"Dumbledore is sure to take more of an interest in him now that he's drawn
attention to himself. I intend to control the damage and to keep him from growing
closer to most anyone, except for... us."
A painfully familiar voice. "Will you use the Imperius Curse, My Lord?"
"My work will be for the long term, and will require changes over a period of time
lest they seem overly suspicious. The conditioning will gradually cause him to
withdraw from others. The potion you created at my request, my dear Parcelsis, will
take care of the physical changes. I am pleased with your addition of the reasoning
for the potion's use; Severus himself must also not suspect. We have seen the
results of conflict within his mind..."
The rest of the words were drowned by his shock, and he felt his throat constrict
with the pain of his Father's betrayal and the effort it took him to hold in all sound-
to not whimper, to not move.
Something touched his arm. Shaking him. Calling to him. A youthful voice,
concerned. He opened his eyes, in need of something to lead him from the void.
".... Harry."
* * * * *
... agony ... pain, but not physical. Harry stirred and woke himself, dragging himself
blindly at first towards the source- and found Severus curled into a tight ball, a soft
whimper barely heard. Harry bit his lip; he couldn't stand seeing the torment in
Severus' aura, but he wasn't sure what his reception at being awakened in such a
state would be. It didn't take Harry long to make his decision however. If Severus
thrust him away, at least he'd be awake and safe from that nightmare. He reached
for Severus' shoulder, gently moving it and calling, "Severus. Wake up- you're having
a nightmare. Wake up, Severus. Come on..."
Black eyes opened, gateways to the Abyss as Severus dragged in a breath of air.
".... Harry."
Harry felt himself beam at Severus. Perhaps they'd get back to being on a first name
basis again. It depended upon how he handled this now, he knew. A little hopefully
he fed Severus a straight line that would be easy for him to latch onto. "You're
awake."
"You're observant." Severus didn't disappoint, even while it looked like he was still
collecting his soul together from the pit he'd just emerged from. Even better, he
wasn't scowling at Harry, and the indications in his aura gave Harry the idea he
might even accept a little carefully offered comfort. He knew he shouldn't
manipulate Severus like this, using his emotions against him... but he was doing it
for Severus' benefit. Slowly Harry kept his hand in sight and settled it gently upon
Severus' still trembling shoulder. It seemed to give Severus something to anchor
himself to as he gradually stilled and the wild look left his eyes.
Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, Severus paused before murmuring,
"Thank you, Harry."
"You're welcome," Harry responded just as quietly. When Severus moved to sit up,
Harry reached over to the next bed and grabbed another pillow, handing it to
Severus to use rather than putting it behind his back for him. A smart move Harry
knew, since he was fond of keeping his hands intact. "Are you all right now?"
"I imagine that you have a good idea of the answer to that," Severus noted.
"Well then," Harry watched as Severus raked his black, greasy hair out of his face,
"Is there anything you'd care to talk about while we wait for Dumbledore?" To make
both of them more comfortable, Harry sat down on the bed next to Severus'.
With a sigh, Severus eventually muttered, "I believe I've remembered a few more
details that had been kept from me previously."
Harry debated internally between saying what first popped into his head and
restraining himself. He decided that Severus might get uncomfortable if Harry
changed *too* much, so he spoke up, "From your reaction they don't seem to be
good ones."
Nodding in pensive agreement, Severus muttered, "I know now why my hair is the
way it is. Why my complexion changed when I was younger. Why it was done to
me."
--------------------------------------
A/N2: I admit to being an evil cliffy woman. Someone's gotta do it. At least I update
weekly or thereabouts and not monthly. ;)