A/N: Um. Bad Snape! Stop running amok with my plot! How do you ever
expect me to finish this story for heavens sake??
Live Journal for further thoughts from the author should anyone be
interested: http://www.livejournal.com/users/athenakt - For extra
motivation I'm going to try and make it a habit to give a sneak peek
at next week's chapter in the form of a statement or two on my LJ...
Disclaimers apply. Heartfelt thanks for reading and reviewing!
----------------------
Chapter 34
Harry felt his face go pale with shock and worry at Severus' solemn
words, made all the more worse at the sincerity of the confusion and
uncertainty in his aura. He didn't know what he could possibly do or
say to make it better, and the colors pulled at him, distressing him
even as McGonnagal kept her own voice quiet yet unyielding.
"What Albus did was meant only to counter the worst of Riddle's
efforts. He took no steps to program you or to make you believe
anything that you would not on your own."
"So you say," Severus replied without looking up from the hands he had
folded on his lap. "Perhaps I'll believe you- but right now I just want
to think this over. Please leave, Minerva."
"Not until you have heard our story and take our views into
consideration, Severus." Insistent through she was, McGonnagal looked
less concerned for the story than she was for Severus himself. Harry
was warmed somewhat at that evidence, but couldn't help but shiver with
unease.
Apparently Severus was able to discern McGonnagal's motivations as well
when he glanced at her very briefly. With a sigh, he quietly murmured,
"I'll listen- and I'll likely believe as well. I always have, knowing
what side of the war is doing the most wrong. Just ... let me be for
the moment."
The words took Harry aback. The most wrong? Granted that nobody is
perfect, but ... just how much wrong did Severus believe the side of
the Light was doing? And why?
Taking stock of Severus' reactions, McGonnagal relented after some
moments. "Very well. We'll talk again tomorrow after lunch. I believe
Poppy mentioned that you're being released to your rooms this evening,
and Mr. Potter can use the interim to get settled into his rooms as
well."
Severus nodded rather distractedly, studying his hands once more. Harry
felt a sudden stronger empathy for the man that didn't originate from
their shared powers, and he nodded to Professor McGonnagal with what he
hoped looked to be reassurance. McGonnagal nodded in return and
murmured, "Good day, gentlemen," before passing through the door and
quietly closing it behind her.
* * * * *
The silence that followed wasn't exactly a peaceful one, but neither
was it discomforting. The boy remained in his bed, resting as he
should, while Severus ... well, he used what time was given to him to
sort out his own thoughts.
Self-hatred and guilt was a potent distracter from the occasional bout
of paranoia, but when the paranoia is further proven to have good
reason ... Severus shook his head to himself and restlessly
straightened his posture even further than it was- if that was at all
possible. It wouldn't do to start the vicious cycle without having the
facts on hand, and that was scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. With cold
objectivity, Severus set those thoughts aside in favor of the project
he had already set for himself. Analysis.
Severus knew of the sincere regret that Albus and Minerva felt at what
was done to him as a teenager; he was remembering that with increasing
clarity now that Minerva's words brought that dream-vision back to
light. He knew that what they did was most likely one of only a few
things they could not forgive themselves for whilst he himself had a
much longer list of unforgivable offenses. He knew that despite the
offense against him, that their actions were in fact to protect him
and, more importantly, to protect the wizarding world in general. He
knew that once he put the facts they gave him together with the
analysis from the rune scanner in his rooms he would agree with them.
So why then did he feel so hurt?
If anyone were to do something to him, he trusted Albus and Minerva to
look out for the best interests of all, keeping everyone as safe as
they could and planning for the future. They would make certain,
through him, that Voldemort and the Death Eaters couldn't get out of
hand...
"But what about you, Severus?"
Blinking in startlement, Severus looked over at Harry who was gazing at
him with concern and sadness. Mortified, Severus realized he must have
been muttering some of his thoughts aloud. Swiftly, he hid his
embarrassment behind a scowl, lapsing into formality in his irritation.
"What do you mean, Potter?"
"They're looking out for everyone, you said. Making sure that everyone
is safe. Making certain that Voldemort doesn't get out of hand. What
about you?" Harry asked, his youthful voice solemn.
"That was the purpose of what they did, Potter," Severus growled. "To
make sure I didn't get out of hand, either."
"That's not what I meant," Harry exclaimed with frustration. "I meant
what about your safety? Your feelings? What about looking out for you?"
The boy sat up a little, his features marked by his earnest belief in
his words, growing hesitant before continuing on. "I know what that's
like, Severus. Everyone expects me to be the savior of the wizarding
world and ... well ... they keep forgetting that I'm not even an adult
yet."
Severus felt no compunction to shelter the boy from his bitterness as
he replied, "I am one, Potter, or have you forgotten in the face of
recent events? Your greasy git of a Potions Master. The bastard."
"You weren't always that way, and this started for you when you were
still in school as well."
A dark smirk crossed Severus' features, "So you don't deny that I'm a
bastard?"
Harry actually growled, "That's not the point. You may have been a git-
you may even decide to continue to be a git come the next school year,"
the boy briefly shuddered. "But it doesn't mean that you shouldn't have
been looked after back then, or that you shouldn't be cared for now."
Severus felt the stirrings of his temper building swiftly past
irritation as it traveled the well-worn paths of rage. Sometimes in
past he'd wondered at the quickness of his temper when he had
customarily succeeded at displaying a veneer of coldness as his
preference, but he'd dismissed the thoughts soon after when the show of
temper brought his points across well enough. Looking at the boy, he
decided that in Potter's case both fire and ice worked to Severus'
advantage, especially when the younger wizard was able to discern his
aura. For instance, at the moment Potter was growing increasingly pale
and still. Deciding to show a twisted sense of mercy, Severus finally
spoke, keeping his voice under careful control and enunciating each
syllable with deadly accuracy. "Are you appointing yourself my
caretaker- whether I ask for it or not? Do you imagine that I desire
one? Perhaps I'm just misunderstood, a heart of gold buried under years
of torment? Frankly, I couldn't care less, and I would advise that you
don't bring up the subject again."
Thankfully the boy lapsed into a hurt silence, contemplating his bed
covers before he eventually settled down for a nap until lunch came.
The meal passed in an equal amount of quiet apart from Poppy's fussing
and expert treatment. Finally towards evening she bustled about,
collecting their things in preparation for their upcoming release from
the Hospital Wing.
Discerning that Potter didn't want to chance his temper again, Severus
was the one to break the silence. "Very well, boy. It's time to show
you to your rooms."
Quietly Potter slipped out of his bed, padding slowly over to claim his
share of what they had managed to accumulate for clothes under Poppy's
care, shouldering the bag. Just as quietly, he looked up at Severus,
"I'm not a boy."
expect me to finish this story for heavens sake??
Live Journal for further thoughts from the author should anyone be
interested: http://www.livejournal.com/users/athenakt - For extra
motivation I'm going to try and make it a habit to give a sneak peek
at next week's chapter in the form of a statement or two on my LJ...
Disclaimers apply. Heartfelt thanks for reading and reviewing!
----------------------
Chapter 34
Harry felt his face go pale with shock and worry at Severus' solemn
words, made all the more worse at the sincerity of the confusion and
uncertainty in his aura. He didn't know what he could possibly do or
say to make it better, and the colors pulled at him, distressing him
even as McGonnagal kept her own voice quiet yet unyielding.
"What Albus did was meant only to counter the worst of Riddle's
efforts. He took no steps to program you or to make you believe
anything that you would not on your own."
"So you say," Severus replied without looking up from the hands he had
folded on his lap. "Perhaps I'll believe you- but right now I just want
to think this over. Please leave, Minerva."
"Not until you have heard our story and take our views into
consideration, Severus." Insistent through she was, McGonnagal looked
less concerned for the story than she was for Severus himself. Harry
was warmed somewhat at that evidence, but couldn't help but shiver with
unease.
Apparently Severus was able to discern McGonnagal's motivations as well
when he glanced at her very briefly. With a sigh, he quietly murmured,
"I'll listen- and I'll likely believe as well. I always have, knowing
what side of the war is doing the most wrong. Just ... let me be for
the moment."
The words took Harry aback. The most wrong? Granted that nobody is
perfect, but ... just how much wrong did Severus believe the side of
the Light was doing? And why?
Taking stock of Severus' reactions, McGonnagal relented after some
moments. "Very well. We'll talk again tomorrow after lunch. I believe
Poppy mentioned that you're being released to your rooms this evening,
and Mr. Potter can use the interim to get settled into his rooms as
well."
Severus nodded rather distractedly, studying his hands once more. Harry
felt a sudden stronger empathy for the man that didn't originate from
their shared powers, and he nodded to Professor McGonnagal with what he
hoped looked to be reassurance. McGonnagal nodded in return and
murmured, "Good day, gentlemen," before passing through the door and
quietly closing it behind her.
* * * * *
The silence that followed wasn't exactly a peaceful one, but neither
was it discomforting. The boy remained in his bed, resting as he
should, while Severus ... well, he used what time was given to him to
sort out his own thoughts.
Self-hatred and guilt was a potent distracter from the occasional bout
of paranoia, but when the paranoia is further proven to have good
reason ... Severus shook his head to himself and restlessly
straightened his posture even further than it was- if that was at all
possible. It wouldn't do to start the vicious cycle without having the
facts on hand, and that was scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. With cold
objectivity, Severus set those thoughts aside in favor of the project
he had already set for himself. Analysis.
Severus knew of the sincere regret that Albus and Minerva felt at what
was done to him as a teenager; he was remembering that with increasing
clarity now that Minerva's words brought that dream-vision back to
light. He knew that what they did was most likely one of only a few
things they could not forgive themselves for whilst he himself had a
much longer list of unforgivable offenses. He knew that despite the
offense against him, that their actions were in fact to protect him
and, more importantly, to protect the wizarding world in general. He
knew that once he put the facts they gave him together with the
analysis from the rune scanner in his rooms he would agree with them.
So why then did he feel so hurt?
If anyone were to do something to him, he trusted Albus and Minerva to
look out for the best interests of all, keeping everyone as safe as
they could and planning for the future. They would make certain,
through him, that Voldemort and the Death Eaters couldn't get out of
hand...
"But what about you, Severus?"
Blinking in startlement, Severus looked over at Harry who was gazing at
him with concern and sadness. Mortified, Severus realized he must have
been muttering some of his thoughts aloud. Swiftly, he hid his
embarrassment behind a scowl, lapsing into formality in his irritation.
"What do you mean, Potter?"
"They're looking out for everyone, you said. Making sure that everyone
is safe. Making certain that Voldemort doesn't get out of hand. What
about you?" Harry asked, his youthful voice solemn.
"That was the purpose of what they did, Potter," Severus growled. "To
make sure I didn't get out of hand, either."
"That's not what I meant," Harry exclaimed with frustration. "I meant
what about your safety? Your feelings? What about looking out for you?"
The boy sat up a little, his features marked by his earnest belief in
his words, growing hesitant before continuing on. "I know what that's
like, Severus. Everyone expects me to be the savior of the wizarding
world and ... well ... they keep forgetting that I'm not even an adult
yet."
Severus felt no compunction to shelter the boy from his bitterness as
he replied, "I am one, Potter, or have you forgotten in the face of
recent events? Your greasy git of a Potions Master. The bastard."
"You weren't always that way, and this started for you when you were
still in school as well."
A dark smirk crossed Severus' features, "So you don't deny that I'm a
bastard?"
Harry actually growled, "That's not the point. You may have been a git-
you may even decide to continue to be a git come the next school year,"
the boy briefly shuddered. "But it doesn't mean that you shouldn't have
been looked after back then, or that you shouldn't be cared for now."
Severus felt the stirrings of his temper building swiftly past
irritation as it traveled the well-worn paths of rage. Sometimes in
past he'd wondered at the quickness of his temper when he had
customarily succeeded at displaying a veneer of coldness as his
preference, but he'd dismissed the thoughts soon after when the show of
temper brought his points across well enough. Looking at the boy, he
decided that in Potter's case both fire and ice worked to Severus'
advantage, especially when the younger wizard was able to discern his
aura. For instance, at the moment Potter was growing increasingly pale
and still. Deciding to show a twisted sense of mercy, Severus finally
spoke, keeping his voice under careful control and enunciating each
syllable with deadly accuracy. "Are you appointing yourself my
caretaker- whether I ask for it or not? Do you imagine that I desire
one? Perhaps I'm just misunderstood, a heart of gold buried under years
of torment? Frankly, I couldn't care less, and I would advise that you
don't bring up the subject again."
Thankfully the boy lapsed into a hurt silence, contemplating his bed
covers before he eventually settled down for a nap until lunch came.
The meal passed in an equal amount of quiet apart from Poppy's fussing
and expert treatment. Finally towards evening she bustled about,
collecting their things in preparation for their upcoming release from
the Hospital Wing.
Discerning that Potter didn't want to chance his temper again, Severus
was the one to break the silence. "Very well, boy. It's time to show
you to your rooms."
Quietly Potter slipped out of his bed, padding slowly over to claim his
share of what they had managed to accumulate for clothes under Poppy's
care, shouldering the bag. Just as quietly, he looked up at Severus,
"I'm not a boy."