Title: Moments: Faithless

Author: Su Freund

E-mail: See bio

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: PoV, Missing Scene, Angst

Content Level: 13+

Content Warnings: Some use of mild language

Pairings: Sam/Other, Jack/Sam

Season: 4

Spoilers: 2010

Summary: What Jack is thinking as Sam leaves his cabin in 2010

Status: Complete

Disclaimer: Not mine and sadly never will be. No copyright infringement is intended. Copyright © 2005 Su Freund

Archive: Fic with Fins, Jackfic, SJD, Gateworld, FanFiction Net

Author's Note: Dedicated to Eleri McLeod whose story, "Lost", inspired this Moment. Fulinn28 made the delicious book cover that illustrates this fic on my site from a screen cap of the Moment. Thanks Bonnie. Called a drabble because each individual paragraph is 100 words long. This series is not necessarily written or appearing in episode order so does not follow a particular sequence - except my whim in writing them.

Faithless

All these years and my heart still skipped a beat to see her. Can't get my breath. Breathe, Jack old buddy, breathe. I should hate her. I do hate her. Hate her for believing in the Aschen and not in me; for loving and marrying him and not me; for losing faith. I left it too late to tell her my feelings, my hopes and dreams, and I lost her, but I guess I would have lost her anyway. The Aschen would have broken us apart, but he got there first. I hate you, Sam. Why did you come here?

It's been so peaceful here. Lonely but peaceful. I've kept away from the Aschen, and my old friends… well, they kept away from me too. They lost their faith, entranced by the golden web spun to entrap them. The promise of a bright rosy future. I just knew there was a catch. They believed I was only a hard cynical old soldier. Over cautious Colonel O'Neill, what does he know, huh? A heck of a lot, as it happens. Go figure! The old cynical soldier was often right. I made mistakes, yes, but over caution was rarely one of them.

It hurt. It hurt a whole hell of a lot. I lost them all. I could never face them after that betrayal. No way! Too much pride, anger, pain and loss. Oh, and don't forget the heartache, O'Neill. That was a biggie. And that I knew I was right! Yeahsureyabetchya! They should have believed me, supported me, but they didn't. I was right, though, wasn't I, Sam? I could laugh out loud if I didn't feel so much like crying. You should have known I was right. You should have kept the faith. I always did, so why couldn't you?

We were friends, we went through so much together, the four of us: life and death, heaven and hell. I was always there for them, supporting them. They couldn't have done that for me? I would have done anything for them and they knew it. Didn't they? But when it came right down to it, where was their faith in me? I thought they knew me. Apparently not. It broke me and now here I am, alone, bitter and still damned angry, even after all these years. I loved… forget that! Not anymore. You don't love anyone or anything, anymore.

So much for peace, she well and truly shattered mine. I wanted to forget. Not that I did. How do you forget that depth of betrayal, or that depth of love, but I tried. I tried to forget all of 'em. Some hope, I guess. Sheesh! I've become that hard cynical man they believed I was and I really hadn't wanted to be this man, believe me. I'd hoped for so much more. This is the man I would have become if I had never met them, and I became him anyway, with their help. How poignantly ironic is that?

Friends? Who needs 'em? They never call, never write, never give a damn about you for years, and then turn up on your doorstep expecting you to die for them. I don't think so. Why should I care anymore? My days of saving this godforsaken rock are well behind me. I can watch the whole world die around me for all I care. I'll just sit here fishing for no fish, and think about getting a dog. Dogs. They're loyal; never let you down, never desert you. Not until their dying day, or yours. Way better than humans. Screw 'em!

Dammit, couldn't they have listened to me? I told them those no good, sneaky, humorless mothers were up to no good. I said they'd pay dear. Believe me? Oh, sure! Kinsey was so far up their asses he couldn't see daylight. He could never see anything beyond his own selfish ambition for power and he got lots of that. President Kinsey. You're kidding, right? The whole world's gone to hell in a hand basket. He sure succeeded in destroying the SGC the way he wanted, but he seems to have destroyed the whole planet in the process. Nice one Kinsey!

So they want to destroy themselves? Let 'em! I'll just sit snug as a bug knowing I told 'em so. Jack, old man, what are you thinking? Are you gonna let them wipe themselves out in a fit of pique? I shouldn't have said no. Dumb, Jack, dumb. This is a way to undo it all, and maybe to rid myself of this lonely existence, to get my life back; wipe out the past, the never-ending pain. And she asked. I've never refused her anything before. I always thought I'd be there for her forever, but I said no.

I'm sorry she can't have kids, but I never wanted her to have his kids. Or him; never him. Were my hopes for us always just a fool's paradise? I thought that one day our time would come, and I lost it all to duty, honor and the American flag. I left it too late and she fell for the charms of a young, debonair diplomat over those of an older, rough and ready soldier. No contest! The dream was always laughable. She was too good for someone like me. I hate you Sam. Crap! But I love you too.

She will never know how I cried at the loss on her wedding day. I emptied myself and never replaced that emptiness with anything; just more emptiness, never-ending and painfully bleak. If I'd told her how I felt would things have been different? If I'd intervened could I have won her heart? I'll never know and will always regret that. On the other hand, maybe I don't need to. I could go help 'em change history. Go back and do it all again, better this time. Will I tell her next time? I doubt it, because I can't change me.

That's the trouble right there, Jack; you'll never change. Changing reality today doesn't necessarily make yesterday any different. I'd still be her CO, still forbidden, still hesitant, still believing she should move on and get a life with me in it. But if I do something now she has a chance at a future, to have kids with him in that reality and be truly happy. Maybe I can save the human race again. That's worth something, and probably way better than sitting on my ass all day doing nothin'. I'd do anything for you, Sam, even let you go.

Jeez, I make myself sound so noble. What a crock! What choice did I have but to let her go? Anyone would think I had a say in it. I should stop kidding myself. I never stood a chance with her. She was destined for a sweet talking, smooth operator like him, not a monosyllabic moron like me who can't express his feelings, won't give of himself, and could never make her happy or fulfil her needs. He swept her off her feet; no wonder she fell for him. Me? She saw me everyday. I was part of the furniture.

She never really knew me, and I guess I never really knew her. We lived in each other's lives for so long that we both thought something was there between us when it never was. We were so entirely unsuited. Great as a team, even friends, but never more. That was a just dream, wonderful but, nevertheless, a dream; great while it lasted. I have a chance to make things right for her and, despite everything, she deserves that. She saved my butt plenty. Now it's my turn. But I wish she hadn't lost that faith. I so miss that.

End