Title refers to the song by the same name by Enya:
"Who can say where the road goes Where the day flows,-only time And who can say if your love grows As your heart chose,-only time.....
Who can say when the roads meet That love might be in your heart And who can say when the day sleeps If the night keeps all your heart...."
Usual disclaimers apply.
Running. He runs desperately, but it's as if through water; he's hardly able to move his legs. He's looking frantically for something but he's not sure what. The air is hazy; he strains his eyes to make things out but everything is just out of focus. He struggles but can't will his legs to move faster, can't will his mind to remember what he's looking for, or his eyes to make out what he's seeing. He becomes more and more desperate and frantic, finally becoming paralyzed, unable to do or see anything. He feels trapped, claustrophobic, and then wakes up, gasping for air. He lies staring into the darkness for a few moments to catch his breath and reorient himself to reality, then closes his eyes again and wills himself to relax and breathe regularly, trying to sleep a few more hours.
He's had this dream repeatedly over the past month or so. Except this night Luka didn't go back to sleep, didn't want to feel the claustrophobia of the darkness wrap itself around him again. He got up and aimlessly wandered his apartment, straightened up, turned the tv on and back off again, rummaged in the fridge, then stared out an open window at the city streets below and listened to the deceptive calm that envelopes the city at night. Anyone who works in an inner city ER knows that the city is never really calm under the surface. A dog barked, a couple of teenagers walked by dribbling a basketball, the faint sound of music from their Walkmans carrying up to the window, a car door slammed followed shortly by the sound of an engine turning over, and sure enough, before long, Luka heard an ambulance siren blare in the distance. He got up, showered and dressed, went out for breakfast and a newspaper, and headed off to work. Whoever had been on all night certainly wouldn't mind getting relieved a little early.
-
Falling. He's stumbling along in the darkness trying to feel around for something familiar and suddenly he steps off into nothingness. Swallowed up by it, he feels himself hurtling through the air; he reaches for something to grab but can't stop himself, can't yell, can't catch a breath, he keeps falling, and then there's a sudden jolt at the bottom. The force of the sensation brings him bolt upright in bed, where he sits fighting for air for a few moments, his heart pounding. Finally gathering his wits about him, he takes a deep breath and eases himself cautiously back into the sheets to try to sleep for a few more hours.
He's had the same dream every few nights for over a month. Except this night Carter didn't fall back to sleep, didn't feel like surrendering to the darkness yet again. He got up and aimlessly wandered around his townhouse, studied the architecture of the halls and stairs, looked at the design of each room, saw them again as for the first time. In his wandering through the house he came to a door, reached for the doorknob and then stopped himself. It was a room he hadn't been in for a month. Finally, he willed himself to turn the knob and enter. The room was like a soft blue oasis, bathed in the stillness of the predawn. He slowly moved through, touching each thing tentatively as he passed; a teddy bear on a shelf, a mobile hanging over the crib, a stack of unused diapers on the changing table. He finally left the room, got his shower and dressed, and went out for coffee and a newspaper on the way to the hospital. Whoever was on night shift wouldn't mind getting relieved a little early.
-
"Good morning!" The ER was bright and busy as always, but the activity had begun to pick up even more now that morning had come. Abby had just come in for her shift and came across Carter on her way by the admit desk. Carter smiled tiredly and returned her greeting, only with a little less exuberance. Abby slowed and inquired after him with concern. There were dark shadows under his eyes and she thought he'd lost weight. "Are you doing ok?""Yeah, yeah," Carter reassured her. Abby looked at him dubiously. "I just haven't been sleeping too well lately," he finally admitted.
"Are you taking care of yourself? Eating?"
"Yeah, mostly. I'm fine. I'll be fine. Thanks." With that, Carter held up the chart in his hand as if to excuse himself, and walked off to take care of a patient. Abby gave him one more sidelong look of concern as she continued on her way.
She didn't get very far before she nearly literally ran into Luka. "Morning," Luka smiled, recovering his balance.
Abby looked up at him and then laughed. "My God. You look like hell too."
"Thank you." Luka looked amused. "'Too'?"
"Sorry. It's just, you don't look like you slept any better than Carter did." Luka looked at Abby curiously. "Oh, I ran into him when I came in," Abby quickly explained. "Actually, I'm a little worried about him. Have you talked to him lately?" Luka shook his head. "I haven't either. Maybe we should be spending more time with him."
Luka nodded. "Yeah. That sounds like a good idea. I wanted to give him some space, but now that he's back at work he could probably use some extra support." They fell silent and Abby continued to look at Luka, pursing her lips in thought. Luka returned her look expectantly. "What?"
"No, I was just thinking, if you want we could go do something together with him-take him dinner, visit? Maybe it would be better to start out with something more like a casual get-together. I don't want to make him to feel like we're babysitting. Besides, you have exp...." Abby stopped abruptly.
"What? Experience in such matters?" Luka looked on with mild amusement as Abby became flustered, but decided to let her off the hook, much to her relief. "My evenings are free the rest of the week. If you and Carter can find a time that works for everyone, give me a call, and we can make some arrangements." They both paused and smiled hesitantly, then ducked around each other and went on with their morning responsibilities.