Yes, I'm still alive and kicking. Incidentally I had planned to have this up before we'd gotten too far into season 11 and now season 11 is long gone. Sorry. I'll try to do better with the rest of it, and with any luck will have it up before we get too far into season 12. If nothing else at leastbefore ER is cancelled. ;-)
Just a reminder that this is AU season 11, and if it isn't obvious, is working toward beinga Luka/Abby fic with a side order of Carter/friendship (the new and improved C/A/L triangle).
Luka and Abby found a quiet booth in the back of a restaurant, and after waiting for Abby to slide into her seat Luka took his spot across from her. He seemed tense, his face clouded. He looked to Abby as though he'd rather be sitting in a dentist's chair than in front of her at that moment and she didn't feel much better. She'd previously convinced herself that this discussion wasn't important, that it wouldn't matter, but deep down she knew this one was way overdue.
They ordered an appetizer and drinks-Luka only ordering water, Abby noted with a small flush of embarrassment, and then dispensed with the waitress so they wouldn't be interrupted.
Abby shifted in her seat uncomfortably, cleared her throat and rolled her eyes. "I should be good at this by now," she said ruefully, then took a breath and dove in. "I'm an alcoholic-a recovering alcoholic," she amended. "I've been sober-again-for over a year and a half." She paused a moment to give Luka a chance to react. He sat, expression blank, with his hands folded on the table, passively waiting for more.
She took a breath and plowed on. "Anyway, one of the tenets of Alcoholics Anonymous is to make amends to those you've hurt. I know I hurt you by omission and I don't want you to blame yourself for not knowing. It was my responsibility to be honest with you about it...and I wasn't. And I know I should have had this conversation with you a long time ago. I'm sorry." She waited for him to respond but he avoided her gaze and merely shrugged. Abby sighed and threw her hands up in defeat. "Um, anyway, that's what I wanted to tell you."
Luka glanced up at her, offering only a short nod and one syllable. "Ok."
Even though Abby knew it was wrong to put expectations on others for how they took her amend-making, she found herself getting irritated with him. Though she'd been uneasy about where the discussion might lead, about what skeletons from their past relationship might be unearthed, she had at least hoped for something from him, she wasn't sure what, but he was giving her absolutely nothing.
She glared at him for a beat, arms crossed defiantly, then softened. "So…how are you?" she questioned, for some reason determined to make him talk, to somehow level the playing field a bit.
"Fine," he replied shortly.
Abby nodded. "Good; because you seem preoccupied lately and I've been a little worried. If you ever want to talk or anything…."
Luka gave a short sharp laugh. "You missed your calling. Maybe you should start an advice column; you know, like 'Dear Abby'."
There was an edge of sarcasm in his voice that stung Abby. "I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to…I just…" she stumbled, beginning to feel a confusing buzz in her head from trying to keep this futile volley going with Luka. She tried to sort out the jumble of thoughts and feelings that had begun to break into her awareness but finally gave up and gave in to the easiest path-escape- and started to slide out of the booth, blinking back tears of frustration and embarrassment. "I guess I should go."
In an instant Luka's expression changed from self-satisfied defiance to regret. Without thinking he grabbed Abby's forearm. "Wait." She sat back down tentatively. He was silent for a few moments as he softened his grip and began caressing her arm absently with his thumb, trying to figure out what to do next. Finally he let go and spoke with quiet earnest. "Why didn't you tell me before?"
"Tell you what?"
"About your drinking."
Abby, on the spot, pursed her lips and shoved some stray hairs behind her ears nervously. "I don't know. I guess things got in the way at the beginning. I mean…you know. The longer I let things go without telling you the easier it was to keep up the denial."
"If I'd been a better partner for you maybe you wouldn't have felt like you needed to hide it from me."
"You can't blame yourself. I convinced myself I was above the rules; not surprisingly it came back and bit me in the ass. That was about me. You did as much as anyone could have under the circumstances. Even if things hadn't been difficult for us I'm the only one who could make it right."
"Carter knew. You opened up to him, let him help you."
"He knew, before you and I were even dating. We were equals-friends. It made things with him…different."
"But it was my own failure that allowed both of you to think I didn't care. I just wonder what I could have done-what I should have done..."
"Luka, don't."
"If things with me had been different, if I'd been different, could you have opened up to me too, could you have loved me?"
Abby looked down and bit her lip, attempting to hide her intense discomfort and the confused mass of feelings churning violently in her chest. The instinct to escape, to toss out a trademark flippant cynical answer and then run away, tempted her. But hadn't this been the root of a lot of her problems-a lot of their problems, the ones Luka was now attempting to take the blame for? Had she learned anything at all?
She resolutely shifted her gaze to meet Luka's and wrapped her hands around his as they rested folded on the table between them. "Love is a big word, Luka, too big to be casual about. But Ido knowthat I care a great deal for you; I always will. And I'm sorry for any hurt I've caused you." She paused briefly, lost in thought and in the moment, before continuing.
"Carter, I mean, really, it was no better in the end. I wasn't any happier with him and he couldn't fix me any more than you could have. There are two of us sitting here. You aren't the only one who made mistakes, who has regrets. But life is too complex to know exactly why things happen or don't happen. I can't control everything around me, but I'm trying to take responsibility for what I can-for myself. That may not seem like much, but it has to be enough."
Luka softened and let himself grin affectionately at her. "Don't sell yourself short. You're doing a hell of a job. I'm proud of you."
"Hey, if I can do it, anyone can, right?" Abby had felt suddenly shy, vulnerable and so felt the need to mask it with her self-deprecating humor. Luka saw through it and smiled at this familiar quirk.
His growing ease emboldened her to continue. "You're a good guy. Hang onto that and you'll be ok. Just don't make it more complex than it needs to be."
He scoffed good-humoredly. "You think, huh? You make it sound simple."
Abby stopped short, realizing how she must sound. Like some fing guru, she thought. "No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound like I have all the answers, because god knows I don't. More than anything, I just want you to be ok, to be happy again. You deserve it."
Luka nodded with an air of understanding that masked the uncertainty he really felt but dared not admit to. Instead he smiled warmly. "I'm glad we talked. I think it's helped. And," he said apologetically, "I'm glad you told me about your drinking too. It means a lot."
"Better late than never, I guess," she fumbled out, suddenly aware of the intimacy of his hands, still in hers, and hastily pulling her hands away as if they'd received a jolt of electricity.
"Yeah. It's never too late, is it?" Luka let that question hang in the air. "We should do it again." Abby looked questioningly at him. "Talk, I mean," he clarified with a laugh.
She nodded and gave him an awkward half-smile. Why was it so easy for him to upset her equilibrium? "Um, yeah. That would be good. But I gotta go now. Work tomorrow." She gestured knowingly into the air as if toward County General and got up to leave, pausing to glance back and exchange a quick wave.
Luka remained in his seat for a few minutes, exhaustion from the effort to maintain the illusion of emotional control tugging at him. He didn't give in to it though. Maybe just believing another reality would allow it to come about. His confidence held until his body had no choice but to give in to the exhaustion and allow his dreams to belie it.