A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! Please keep them coming, I really appreciate it!

11:00pm: I don't think I'm a lesbian. Ms. Philips left me questioning my sexual whatsit...identity, but in RE I didn't have any more lezzie moments. I suspect she is a bit on the dim side though, because when I asked her why Buddha had such ginormous nungas, she looked at me like I was a fool. I think Jas fancies her though.

Thursday 25 November

8:00am: Vati is have a nervy spaz because Angus tore up his voluminous black shorts.

"That...thing will have to go!" He screamed at no one in particular.

I didn't even bother answering. It's his own fault, really. Any fool should know better than to put his things in our airing cupboard. I know it's supposed to keep things all snugly and warm, but that is in normal houses and this is not a normal house. In this house it is almost always filled with poo (Libby's) and rodents (Angus's). I pointed this out to him and he told me to shut up. Typico. Also, it probably didn't help that I told him he smelled of old haggis.

8:15am: Alex arrives tomorrow at noon and the stupid twat (formerly known as my Vati) insists that I have to go to school. Good grief.

Physics

Ms. Philips is definitely on the dim side. She knows even less than Herr. Kamyer about physics (i.e. nothing). Rosie said she saw Gorgey Henri and Ms. Philips at Luigis having coffee. Lordy, this school is becoming like a love den. For everyone but me, it seems, because I still haven't heard from that prat Dave the L.

Froggy

The prat is a marvy nip libbler though.

On the plus side Gorgey Henri doesn't seem to be in love. On the down side I did see him and Ms. Philips snogging each other's brains out by Elvis' hut. I'm surprised he didn't chase them off. If I did that, he'd put his back out running after me.

4:00pm: Weird-girl-across-the-road is snogging for England. With a different guy this time. He's about forty and looks like a hobbit (you know, one of those unfortunate little creatures in The Lord of The Rings with the really big ears and hairy feet). I wonder if she's getting paid for this?

5:00pm: Mutti has just come in loaded with food. You can tell we have guests coming. Usually it's every man for himself in this house.

5:15pm: Hmm, Jammy Dodgers.

8:00pm: All aloney. On my owney. The loon family has gone off to visit the elderly mad (Grandad Vati) to prepare him for our visitors from Zulu-a-gogo land.

There goes the phone.

8:30pm: It was Dave the Laugh.

"Hey sex kitty. Can I come over?"
I was about to say that I wasn't going to let him treat me like his whatsit...plaything.

"Yes."

For the love of Buddha and all other holy things with big nungas, why can't I have any control over my girlie bits? Any male (with the exception of Whelk Boy) can just go "Fancy a snog?" or "Can I come over?" and my lips will just pucker up. I even fell victim to that midget molester Mark Big Gob. Lord help me.

11:00pm: I prepared myself to tell him that he was either going to be my (unserious) boyfriend or just a mate type person (who can't snog me whenever he feels the urge) but when I opened the door and saw him, my knees went all jelloidy.

"Hi, gorgeous."

I surprised myself and didn't let him snog me.

"Look," I said, in all seriousity. "Are we going to go on like this or become official snogging partners?"
He just looked at me like I had a badger on my head.

"I am having the Particular Horn lately, but I thought you wouldn't want to be official because of Ellen."

In my act of great sophisticosity and wisdomosity I forgot that Ellen was a bit involved.

"Urrrgghh. Fine. We can just keep this fandango the way it is then. But you have to stop leading her on. It's cruel." Also it is annoying listen to her going on and on about you, I thought about adding but I didn't.

We snogged after that. Then we had some Milky Pops and we snogged again. Hmm, choccy snogs. Yummy scrumboes. Then Dave the L. had to go home. He gave a long snog (it lasted about a thousand years) and said:

"Bye gorgeous. I'll tell Ellen, Dave's honour."

That made me even more nervous.

Midnight: I'm such a good mate I deserve a medal. I am sparing Ellen's feelings. I think.

1:00am: The family is back from the loon convention. Maybe if I pretend I'm asleep, it will stop Libby from...

Too late. Blimey, her bottom's freezing. And wet. No wonder everyone at the Home for the Elderly Mad dies. They might live longer if somebody turned the heating up.