Friday 26 November

7:30am: Getting ready for Stalag 14 isn't fun at the best of times, but it's an even bigger nightmare than usual today. Mutti is rushing around like an insane hedgehog, trying to make the house look "presentable". Ha. It will take a lot more than a simple clean to do that.

8:00am: I decided to turn over a new leaf type thing and go to school early. I met Jas by our usual spot. She was wearing another ludicrously short skirt. I'm surprised she hasn't learnt her lesson yet. I think she may be trying to get that sub's attention. I wonder if Hunky realises his one true love has embraced the lezzie side?

Assembly

Haha. One of the Foxwood boys broke into Elvis' hut and stole some of his naughty mags. Slim was as livid as two livid things and her ankles were shaking in those massive eskimo boots known to her as comfortable shoes.

Hmm, she looks hilarious, going on and on about "respecting privacy"...I wonder how many girls can fit into her knickers...why in the name of Angus and Gordy am I thinking about this? I should well know how graphic I am by now...

Nauseating P.Green is staring at Ms. Philips like she wants to eat her. I wouldn't be surprised if she did.

Maths

Lordy this is taking ages. Adolfa is going on and on about circles or something equally meaningless. The only thing keeped us awake is her moustache. It is twitching in a tres tres amusant manner.

RE

When will this day ever end? The Dim One (i.e. Ms Philips) is raving on about orphans and nuns like a dithering prat. If she likes them so much, why doesn't she put one of those funny hats on and join the convent?

Physics

Oh Lord in Heaven and Buddha in...well, wherever you are...please save me from this hellish place called school...

4:00pm: Finally! The Ace Gang headed straight into the bathroom to apply make-up because:

a) None of us want to look like crazy escapees of some ugly home

b) The Cousin has landed and I don't want her to see my ugliness as a picture of England.

We rushed out of the bathroom vair vair quickly. It probably looked like we have little porcupines stuck up our bottoms. We started walking normally when we got to the gate. I heard somebody laugh and say, "Georgia?" and for a moment I thought I was being summoned by God.

It was a girl though. She was tall, with dark hair and very tanned. I didn't know who she was. I must have looked like a bit of a confused rabbit because she starting laughing. In a sort-of nice way, though.

"I'm Alex."

I started screaming and then we were hugging. I think Ms. Stamp had another spasm of lesbian whatsit...lust, because she fell down the stairs when she saw us.

5:00pm: Alex is definitely groovy bananas enough for me. Oh, and on the plus side she is not a lesbian. Also, again on the plus side, the Ace Gang thinks she is cool.

5:15pm: Pervy Jimjams, the nunga molester, will definitely like her. Although he is into incest and she is not related to him...so maybe he won't.

8:00pm: We went for a walk to escape the clutches of the Elderly Mad. Alex's mutti is as loony as mine, possibly more. She seemed normal for about a millisecond, until my Mutti cracked open the vino tinto. Then everything went pear-shaped.

We walked to the clock-tower, so I could describe my special rendezvous with the Sex God. On our way there we bumped into into Mark Big Gob, who took one look at Alex and licked his lips in a very scary (and disturbing) manner. I think he may want to eat her.

"Who's your friend, Georgia? Fancy a threesome?"

A threesome? What in the name of Elton John's panties is he on about?

Needless to say we ran like two startled badgers (i.e. slowly and not very attractively). As my (bad) luck would have it, we just had to run straight into a bush and fall headfirst into somebody's yard.