Chapter Thirteen: I Don't Know
(POV of Lily and… Remus? Remus, what are you doing here?
"No one ever consults me on what I think. It's high time you start. After all, I'm the matchmaker of the story. You must need some insight on my part." Fine… fine… Werewolves… so damn convincing…)
She was still there the next morning, waiting for him to leave. She hadn't gotten any sleep—that was evident enough when she finally pulled herself out of bed and looked in a mirror. Luckily, she was seventeen and could legally use magic whenever she wanted, so Lily performed a glamour charm on herself. She didn't want her friends to worry. No, Lily was going to go for a classic Malfoy approach to the whole "Potter" situation. She was going to be mature, civil, and uncaring. Just because she and Ja—Potter weren't friends anymore, she really didn't want to go back to being enemies again. If he chose to consider herself an enemy again, that was his own immaturity.
Slowly, she went down to breakfast, and didn't meet any of his friends' eyes as she poured some pumpkin juice to herself.
"Why's James sittin' at the Hufflepuff table?" Sirius asked through a full mouth.
His voice sounded odd, faraway to Lily, but she didn't care. She just wanted to make it through breakfast.
"I dunno," Remus frowned. "Lily? Have you noticed anything odd about James lately?"
Lily turned her dull eyes to Remus. "Did you say something, Remus?"
His frown grew deeper and he watched her silently for a few moments. "Come on." He finally said.
"What?" Everyone at the table looked at Remus and Lily. What was going on?
"You and I are going to have a talk," Remus ignored them, focusing on Lily. Something was wrong with her, very wrong. How could nobody else see it? Perhaps it was werewolf intuition, he didn't know, but what he did know was that they needed to talk, now. Her whole presence was screaming for help.
She stood up wordlessly, wondering if her poignancy was that obvious.
Lily followed Remus out of the Great Hall doors, unaware of James's eyes watching her until she was out of sight.
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(POV of James "What, that's it? That's all the POV I get?" Be patient, Remus. We have to ease you in gently, you know. These things take time.)
After she had left that night, James wanted to cry, or die, or both. What had he just done? He had just pushed away the girl of his dreams, a girl who yelled at him only because she was only concerned for him. All right, all right, she may have had a bitchy way of showing it, but there was no maliciousness in her heart… only concern, James knew it. Lily Evans had a heart of gold, he knew that for sure.
James figured he must have been high or at least under one of the Unforgivable Curses when he told her that he wanted the truce to be called off. What had he been thinking? Or had he been thinking at all?
Sitting on the edge of his bed, he just held his head in his hands, just focusing on the in and out of his breathing… the only constant in his life. He listened for her as well… she was probably waiting for him to leave. Well, fine then. He would.
As he dragged himself through his morning routine, he wondered how he would deal with her. Finally, he decided he would just ignore her. His friends would all want to know the truth, and he'd tell them, and hope that they would still stick by him. All of them had become quite fond of Lily, calling her "Doe Eyes" behind her back.
James gulped as he straightened his tie and went downstairs for breakfast. He decided that perhaps it would be best if he sat with Cheri today.
When he saw Lily, he bitterly noted that she didn't look any worse for wear, when he felt like shit. Due to his red, bloodshot eyes and ashy skin, he had to perform an extensive glamour charm on himself—something he had never used before (but knew how to perform the charms due to having helped Remus out with it several times prior.)
Although… Her green eyes were like they had been that day in potions… dull and tired.
So imagine his surprise when he saw Remus, upon gazing at her intently (too intently for James's preference), command her to stand up and they both left the Great Hall, together, something that was entirely too strange. Even the Gryffindor table was in shock.
"What in bloody hell is going on here?" James muttered to himself.
"Jamesie Muffin," Cheri said, using that abominable nickname James loathed, "Did you say something?"
"Nothing, Lovey," James said, using the nickname she told him to call for with an over sweetness.
After a moment's thought he said, "I've just realized—I left my transfiguration book in my dorm. I better get it; I won't have time after charms."
"Want me to come with you?" Cheri raised an eye suggestively.
"No… that's all right, I shouldn't be gone long anyway," James replied, pretending not to catch the double meaning of her question.
"Oh, all right then," Cheri said, a little surprised he hadn't taken her up on his offer like he might've in fifth year… but what Cheri didn't know was that this wasn't like fifth year. She was so happy her "seduction" worked she didn't realize that it was a one-sided relationship.
James kissed her cheek, resisting the sudden and surprising urge to wipe off his lips immediately.
He strode out of the hall in long strides, wondering where in hell Lily and Remus had gone off to.
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(Back to POV of Lily and Remus "Yes! Finally!")
He led her to the old willow tree near the lake. Gently, he helped her sit down and then once she was comfortable, he sat down in front of her. In a kind voice, Remus asked, "All right, Lily, what's wrong?"
Lily's initial reaction was reflexive. "Nothing, of course." She always denied anything was wrong.
"Listen to me, Lily, you can fool everyone… your friends, James… but not me."
Lily smiled, a small smile, but it was genuine. "Ah…, part of your werewolf super powers, eh?"
"What?" Gasped Remus. His face turned white and he got up suddenly, then sat back down. He was too nauseous to walk, let alone stand. "You know? But how?"
"I figured it out a while ago, actually," Lily whispered, although she had no clue why.
"When?" Remus whispered back.
"Middle of sixth year," Lily said after a moment. "I was so stupid in not seeing it. You always seemed so pale… once a month… and then around full moon, you'd always have to see a 'sick relative'… I always knew it was something else, I just never knew what… and it finally hit me. Especially after that essay on werewolves. Merlin, Professor Brody wants that essay to be published, it's so well written."
"And yet… why haven't you told anyone?" Remus whispered, his eyes non-believing.
"Because," Lily smiled and took his hand, "you are such a good person. I fail to see why people are prejudice against werewolves… it certainly isn't something they want, nor is it something they can help. You are one of the best persons I know. You're always willing to help others, make them laugh, make them smile… you are kind, compassionate, a loyal friend… you're such a good person, and being a werewolf… that isn't your fault. It just," she smiled at this, "It just proves that you're human like the rest of us. That's merely a weakness on your part, you wizard superman."
Remus couldn't believe his ears. Finally, "James doesn't deserve you."
Lily laughed. "I believe you have that sentence wrong. It's Cheri who doesn't deserve James."
Remus laughed too. "I should be out here cheering you up… thanks. I just have to wonder why you're doing all of this?"
"You didn't hear me rattle off all of your good qualities?" Lily teased. Then, "Oh! I forgot one!"
"What?"
"Your brilliant taste in girls," Lily said, that twinkle in her eye coming back. "Selene's a lucky girl."
Remus smiled. "I'm the lucky one… but… I don't think I could ever have her be a girlfriend of a werewolf… she deserves better."
Lily reached over and squeezed his hand. "She deserves you. And you deserve her. If you think that she'll abandon you for something—and I've already said this—that you can't help—then she doesn't deserve you after all." Lily sighed. "Selene knows what it's like to be an outcast. Half of her family shuns her for being… and I quote… a 'freak'. Turning her back on you would be like hypocrisy."
Remus smiled. "Maybe… but do you think she feels the same way?"
"Of course, silly!" Lily giggled and then said wistfully, philosophically, "Requited love is one of the most beautiful things in the world."
"And unrequited?" Remus asked quietly.
"Is one of the saddest emotions that no one should suffer," she whispered, closing her eyes.
"Does he know?" Both knew what he was referring to about, and Lily knew it was no use to lie to him.
"No," Lily said, not opening her eyes. "I don't plan on telling him. We broke off the truce last night… he said that it wasn't worth all the trouble… that I'm not worth all the trouble…"
"He's an ass then," Remus sighed. "A confused ass."
"If he's an ass, I'm a bitch," Lily smiled sadly. "I did come across as a jealous ex or something. It's a bit of both of our faults, I suppose. And I do want to make up… but for now, I think my heart and my voice need a bit of a rest."
They sat just contently under the tree, not caring they were missing classes. Finally, right before they went in he asked, "Do you love him?"
Lily sighed and turned to look at the lake, the wind blowing through her hair gently. She didn't answer for a while, and Remus thought perhaps the question was too personal.
She answered what seemed like hours later…
"I don't know."
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After Remus saw Lily back to her dorm (she needed some time to rest and think about things), he ran right into James.
"Are you two together?" He asked, his hazel eyes burning with barely concealed fury and hurt into Remus' brown ones.
"No," Remus answered coolly, his eyes narrowing at his friend. "We needed to talk."
"About what?" He asked sharply.
Remus didn't like his tone. Responding icily, he said, "It's none of your business. In case you haven't noticed, since your big blow-out, she hasn't exactly been up to par lately. As a good friend should, I went to comfort her."
James got what Remus was saying. "If she hadn't started to call my girlfriend a bitch, then maybe I wouldn't have blown up at her."
Remus shook his head. It was hopeless. "Ok, James… but don't expect me to choose between you two. I'm your friend and hers."
James knew if he argued, it would be a losing battle.
The two walked wordlessly to their afternoon classes.
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(POV of James)
"I'm an ass, aren't I, Padfoot?" James spoke into the magical mirror that acted like a walkie-talkie for him and Sirius. The mirror was mainly used for when they were both stuck in detention, but for different teachers, thus being in different classrooms.
Sirius nodded. "A right ass, Prongs," he said solemnly. "But, she did go off on your bird." Sirius smiled at this. "The doe started to bad-mouth the bird."
"It's not funny, Padfoot," James said crossly. "And Lily's not a doe, she's a flower."
Padfoot laughed. "James, mate," he said, "Lily is a doe. Because flowers and stags can't be together you know."
James frowned. "We're not meant to be or anything, Sirius."
Sirius just gave him a look. "Whatever you say, Prongs."
James said exasperatingly, "Why does everyone seem to think we belong together?"
"I don't know, Prongs," Sirius said honestly. "Perhaps we all see something you clearly don't."
James rolled his eyes. "Well, whatever the case, Lily—Evans had no right to tell me all of the not-so-nice qualities of my girl."
Sirius sighed. "James, Lily may never be your girlfriend… but she'll always be your girl."
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Author's Note: You all are probably thinking I've gone crazy because of the whole Remus POV thing… ha ha…
I've realized that Remus seems to be playing a more prominent part that Sirius in James' life and for that, I apologize. This is one of the main reasons why I had that scene with Sirius… and don't worry, more of our favorite bad boy-marauder will be seen more frequently throughout the story.
Remus' part in here, as was said earlier, is matchmaker. Remus seems to be a little more in tune with the emotional sides of women then Sirius is (whose more in tune with the sexual sides), and that's why James went to Remus for help.
I've always wondered why Lily and Remus didn't end up together (thought I don't support that ship), since they seem so much better suited, like Harry and Hermione (whose ship I absolutely adore). Because James and Lily ended up together, it makes me wonder if Ron and Hermione (hate that ship) will end up together in the books (good god, I hope not.) Perhaps I'm over analyzing again… But I dearly hope that Harry and Hermione end up together.
Anyway, to prevent getting flamed in people thinking Lily and Remus will go out in this story (which they most certainly will not,) that is why I had them talk about their respective loves, James and Selene.
Well, thanks for reading my story (and these author notes for all you dedicated readers)!
Constructive criticism is loved and appreciated!
Burning Twilight-
March 6, 2005
And for all of my reviewers…
The ORIGINAL Meathead: I'm glad you liked my last chapter, I was awfully sad writing it myself. And with Will and Lily, don't worry, that certainly won't last. And I completely understand what you're saying about Lily. I don't understand that about LJ authors… making Lily all nice and sweet, and then she feels justified yelling at James for no reason at all…
soccerchic1989: I've never really read stories where James is always to blame for the fights between the two, but I don't doubt they're out there.
And thanks to…
scullymulder, meganegreer21, a, SillyGillie, and Julyflower… love you guys!