Welcome to my incredibly lame fanfic that no one will want to read in a million years!
If you are here, then you have obviously made a mistake or are being held hostage and are forced to read this, because this fanfic is so decidedly lame that the Baudelaires teamed up with Olaf and all of them started to pelt me with nectarines for making them go through this mess. I just made this up one day when I got bored; I suddenly had this random thought about the Baudelaires and Count Olaf and Esme Squalor stuck in a car together and because I was higher than a kite on sugar, I thought it was a good idea. IT WASN'T. Now, I have this incredibly lame fanfic that no one will want to read in a million years because it's so lame.
The Baudelaire orphans sat in the dark, dank trunk of Olaf's car, looking out at the stars through the bullet holes in the trunk's lid. The only sound was Olaf and Esme's constant whispering, with occasional smooching sounds in between, making Violet say "EWWWWW gross!" Klaus shook his head in disgust. It was true that he had glanced through an occasional romance novel every once in a while, and it was also true that he had seen movies with kissing in them before, but the thought of the two evil-doers kissing still made him a bit queasy. "Oonchi," Sunny whispered, which meant "I agree, YUCKO!", even though she was just a toddler and therefore had no real clue as to what may have been going on. She then secretly added "Cleansi," which probably meant something along the lines of "I just hope it doesn't go any further than that!" Her siblings snickered at her comment and secretly wished the same thing. Suddenly, the car stopped, and the Baudelaires heard Esme and Olaf laughing about something.
"My dear," Olaf said, "I cannot imagine life without you. Why, your radiant beauty is enough to outshine the most brilliant of diamonds." "Oh, sugar-pie!" Esme said, giggling. The Baudelaires gagged as they listened in on this. Suddenly, they heard Olaf shifting papers and other items around in the backseat and grab something. "We have spent much time together," Olaf declared in an overly-dramatic way. "And I believe that now is the right time to ask you something I have wanted to for a very long time." The item made a small squeaking noise as it opened, indicating that it was most likely a box. Suddenly, the siblings heard Olaf say "Will you marry me?"
Esme squealed in delight, and the threesome guessed that by Olaf's elaborate proposal, he had just given her a diamond ring, and a large one at that. Their suspicions were confirmed when Esme said "Oh, my gawd, you got me a huge diamond ring! Diamonds are very in right now." Her comment on how diamonds were 'in' almost made Violet laugh out loud, and it took all of her fortitude – the word 'fortitude' means "strength and willpower" – not to. "Yes, my love, yes!" the villainess said, her voice rising higher and higher with each word. The two villains laughed, then Olaf said "Wait here, I'm going to get another surprise out of the trunk for you."
The Baudelaires froze as Olaf opened the trunk. Maybe if they didn't move, he wouldn't see them. But, alas, as you and I both know, the Baudelaires' lives are filled with misfortune, so Olaf saw them the minute he opened the trunk. "Oh, shoot," Violet said, realizing that they had been spotted. "On second thought," Olaf said, "I believe I will give you to my fiancée instead!" Violet quickly picked up Sunny and held her close, trying to keep her from getting hurt, as Olaf grabbed Violet and Klaus by the wrists and threw them into the back seat. He clicked the lock button, then clambered inside after them and shut the door.
"There," Olaf said. "Now all three of you are trapped, and I'm the only one who has the keys." Violet, at this particular moment, just happened to glance outside and notice that Count Olaf's eye-shaped key ring was now lying on the tar-paved ground. "Uh, I hate to be little miss rain cloud," she said, "But you dropped your keys outside." Olaf glanced outside at the key ring and realized in horror that she was right. "What are we going to do?" Esme cried. "We're trapped!" "Call for help," Klaus suggested. "My cellphone battery is dead!" Esme said, "And I left the car recharger at my house! We're doomed!" "What about the locks?" Klaus asked, "Maybe there's some way we could get the locks to pop back up." "No," Violet said in a frustrated tone. "The locks on this model of car are not the kind that you pull on and they just instantly pop back up. These are child-safe locks." "Nobeliev," Sunny said. "I can't believe it, either," Olaf said, "I'm trapped in this car with you three, of all people!" "Yeah, well it's not exactly fun being trapped in this car with you, either!" Violet said in anger. "Passive!" Sunny shrieked. "The baby's right," Esme said, taking a nail file out of her purse. "We aren't going to get anywhere by arguing. Anyway, we have to find a way to get into the backseat; that's where the cooler – along with all of our food - is." "Munch!" Sunny said. Carefully, she bit through cloth, foam, metal springs, and finally through a sheet of metal that, to her, tasted slightly rusty, until she reached the cooler, which had somehow been fed through the seat cushions and plugged into the car's cigarette lighter. "Tada!" Sunny said triumphantly as she opened the cooler. The others, noticing how little food was left inside the cooler, frowned.
"There's only enough food for one and a half days in here!" Klaus said. He buried his face in his hands and added "Great. Just peachy." Of course, you and I know that Klaus was not saying that the fact that there was only a small tub of potato salad, three ham sandwiches, four nectarines, a large bottle of parsley soda, and a bag of Reese's cups in the small cooler was great, and understand that he was neither talking about peaches or being literal when he had said "Just peachy". "We'd better conserve what little food we have," Violet said, dividing a nectarine in half and giving one half to each villain. "We don't know how long we may be stuck here. We may also be able to use the cooler cord to recharge Esme's phone, but I need to see if it's compatible first. Esme, please hand me your phone." "No way!" Esme said. "I will not give up my very stylish, in phone!" The others glared at her, so Esme reluctantly gave the phone to Violet, who checked the recharge port and was pleased to find that it was compatible with the cooler's cord.
"Good," Esme said, as Violet started to split a ham sandwich into thirds, then giving one to Klaus and one to Sunny. "We can use it to call the police and get us out of this mess." "No, no, no," Olaf said, "You know that the police are hot on our trail and the Baudelaire's trail as well. We don't need people saying that either we kidnapped them or WERE kidnapped by them. And how come we have to eat nectarines when you kids get ham sandwiches?" "Because, silly," Esme said, "Exotic fruits are in!" Olaf rolled his eyes, but ate the nectarine anyway. "Incansha," Sunny said, which probably meant something like "I never cared much for nectarines, anyway."
After their meager dinner – the word 'meager' here means "consisting of half a nectarine, or in the Baudelaires' case, a third of a ham sandwich" – there was still the decision of who would sleep where. Sunny could easily fit through the hole in the trunk, so she slept there. Violet helped Klaus clear the junk off the floor and laid some of Olaf's disguises onto it so the junk that they could not remove would not bother Klaus too much. Violet took the seat cushions, and the two eldest siblings agreed to switch on and off in between nights so no one exclusively got the cushions. Olaf and Esme leaned the seats back as far as they could, which was not very far, to make a temporary bed. Violet gazed at the stars through the back window and wondered how long she and her siblings would have to sleep in this car. A week? A month? Maybe even a year? She slept fitfully and questioned this to herself, and by the time she had fallen asleep, she was dreaming of her home in flames, the luminous zero that had plagued her and her siblings during their brief and unpleasant stay at Prufrock Prep, herself running from angry mobs armed with torches and knives, and Olaf watching and laughing in evil triumph somewhere above her.
How's my writing?
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