Keeping Up Appearances
"Littoral entertainment and luxury canopies with hand reared smoked salmon eatlets".
Early morning, around breakfast time: On the Bucket residence doorstep
Hyacinth (Hya): (Opens door with a large swing) Milkman! I want a word with you, so please return to my doorstep and face my person will you.
Milkman: (reluctantly returns) What is it now Mrs Bucket!
Hya: It's Bouquet
Milkman: Oh yeah, funny how you forget trivial little things like that!
Hyacinth gives a face of disapproval
Hya: It's about my re trench. My husband and I are re trenching to the Cornish Riviera for a while and I would like my milk re-directed to our property by the sea.
Milkman: (Stunned face) I'm sorry Mrs Bouquet, but that is not possible; we only make allowances like that to our superior customers.
Milkman walks away
Hya: Well if that's your tone then you've no right to keep me as your customer!
Hyacinth slams door shut and looks very angry- the sort of anger that appears on a three year old when they've thrown their toys out of their pram.
Inside the Bouquet residence.
Richard (Rich): Hyacinth whatever is the matter! You look like someone who's just been told they can't have their post sent to their new address.
Hya: It's nothing that will spoil our excursion.
Rich: What excursion? (Looking rather agitated)
Hya: Our re-trench to the Cornish Riviera where I shall provide littoral entertainment and luxury canopies with hand reared smoked salmon eatlets.
Rich: Oh Hyacinth: It's only a weekend away in Torquay- you know, the house that Violet's just bought.
Hya: Oh Richard, now don't be obstructionist. I can't have my friends know that Violet bought the house from an auction in Basingstoke. At least let it be Balmoral.
Now, I want you to have a look over my ideas for entertainment for the weekend. Isn't it brilliant that the house comes with en suite Tennis Courts! I shall have lovely reclining evenings by the sea while my friends are having a spot of Tennis and then we shall retire into my sister's Anti room for after eights mints freshly ground coffee of three different brands. Eau Richard, the coast is meant for me! And we shall have littoral entertainment too.
Rich: Littoral what!
Hya: Oh dear, now don't tell me you don't know what littoral entertainment is. You know the sort of thing, little fun games and entertainment by the sea.
Now for the invitations, do you think seaweed smelling note lets or replenishing crab oil ones?
Rich: Oh don't ask me Hyacinth. My opinion is never accepted.
Hya: Oh well of course it is dear. I think the replenishing crab oil- don't you.
Hyacinth rushes about busily looking as if she is an active woman with a full social calendar.
(Inside Emmet and Elizabeth's house)
Emmet looks out of the window in shock
Emmet (Em): What the devil does she think she's doing?
Elizabeth rushes over to see
Elizabeth (Liz): Oh, that often happens. (Hyacinth is laying out her items to take to Cornwall, mainly her entertainment items)
Outside the Bouquet residence. Richard is struggling to carry all of Hyacinth's Items.
Hya: Oh do stop groaning Richard, it's very common to groan out of doors where the neighbours are watching.
Rich: Are they watching?
Hya: Now do stop making complications dear. Just get my high class replica of Virginia Wade's tennis equipment into the car.
Rich: Why are you putting things into the car now? We're not going till Friday.
Hya: It gives the impression we're going on a large expedition, you see, for some people, it might seem to them that we're never going to return. Then, they will rush outside and fling themselves on the ground and cry with sadness that the pillar of their society is going to be away.
Rich: Oh I see- very devious Hyacinth!
Hya: I have my reasons! (Looks very smug)
(The man who lives across the street from Hyacinth and Richard rushes outside and flings himself onto the ground and cries for joy)
Hya: There you see, Mr Barker Finch is already grieving for my loss. I'll go and comfort him.
Hyacinth walks down the drive way
There there Mr Barker Finch, it's not that bad, I'm only going away for a weekend- not forever. You still have me for a long time yet!
Mr Barker Finch cries even louder but in sadness this time.
(In Onslow and Daisy's house)
Onslow and Daisy are still fast asleep in bed, even though it is 11 am. Rose comes into the room and slams the door.
Rose (Ros): I've decided. I never want to see another man again!
Daisy rises from her sleeping position.
Daisy (Dais): Then what are you going to do about Onslow?
Ros: Oh, he doesn't count. I mean, you wouldn't exactly call him a typical man!
Onslow wakes up slowly, and pulls himself out of his covers, he looks very ugly and round.
Onslow (Ons): I have you know, young Rose, that in my youth, I won a first prize for an all men's tennis competition.
Dais: (gets broody) Oh, hehe, well, and I thought you were just a big idle slob.
Ons: Right! Rose- you, me, tennis match.
Ros: Oew ek!
(At Hyacinth's house)
Hya: Now, I must ring Daisy and invite her to our Cornish villa with littoral entertainments and hand reared smoked salmon eatlets. Though I must make Onslow wear a shirt. I can't abide Onslow when I can actually see him in person. No, the best thing for Onslow is to cover him up- you know, blend in to the background. There will be plenty of shrubbery and bushes, if I give him a green jacket, then we will be reclining outside- Onslow can stand near a bush.
Phone rings in Daisy's house. Rose answers
Ros: Look Hubert, I said, I never want to see another man, especially not you- when you climb on top of me you're all greasy….. Oh, Hyacinth, I'm sorry, I was just explaining….
Hya: That's enough Rose! Will you hand me over to ma Sister Daisy please. Thank you!
Ah, Daisy. This is just a quick call, to invite you and the others to a little Cornish villa littoral entertainment with hand reared smoked salmon eatlets and coffee of three different brands.
Dais: Oh Hyacinth, we'd love to come. What should Onslow come as?
Hya: Dressed-- in a jacket preferably.
Dais: We'll be there. …. What…. ? By 4 o'clock?
Hya: Why of course. My real guests arrive at 7 o'clock, so I want you out of the way by then. Thank you.. See you later. And be on time! I know what you kind of people are like. People with little means to buy a watch or a clock find it so hard to keep time- bless them.
In Onslow and Daisy's house
Dais: Ooohhhh ahhhh, Onslow, stop watching the tele, we've been invited to one of Hyacinth's parties.
Ons: Oh nice! Well, I'm gonna want a beer, so get me one please Dais.
Dais: She said bring a tennis racquet, as it's Violet's house and she's got some tennis courts. Oh excellent- Rose!
Ros: What?
Ons: Your Dais says that your Hyacinth's got a tennis court. We can play tennis there!
Ros: Ohh, how fun! What d'you think I should wear?
Dais: She said go casual.
In Hyacinth's house- their bedroom
Hya: Goodness knows what Onslow will wear, and Rose too. I said informal, but I know what informal means to Onslow.
Now, first I must tell Elizabeth and Emmet when they must be there. And the vicar and his wife shall be coming- and I've also invited Mrs Counsellor Nugent too.
Rich: Why Mrs Counsellor Nugent?
Hya: Bless her, I don't think she ever takes exercise. I was always one to keep fit. I mean look at my size compared to Daisy! (Hyacinth looks in the mirror and her outfit makes her look very fat)
Hyacinth and Richard load the car and set off for Cornwall.
(Hyacinth and Richard's car bowl into sunny Torquay, I mean, the Cornish Riviera).
Hya: Eau yesss. I can see myself living here. She comments on the wrong house.
Rich: Err, Hyacinth, I don't think that that villa is ours. The address from Violet says number 45.
They curb crawl pas 43, 44 until….
Hya: Oh no! (no. 45 Is a small falt situated next to the local rubbish tip and the back of it overlooks the city centre's brothel. )
Richard- we must find another house. And quickly.
Rich: We can't do that Hyacinth. We'll have to manage with this. Anyway, where's the tennis court?
Hyacinth and Richard go into the house. They see a rat run across the floor.
Hya: Oh noo! She covers her face with her hand
Richard do something!
On the motorway. Daisy and Onslow and Rose are driving down to Cornwall. There is a large traffic jam. They are late on arrival at Hyacinths.
Hya: Where can Onslow and Daisy be? They should have been here an hour ago.
A car bowls into the drive way of their house
Hya: Oh no! It's Mrs Counsellor Nugent!
Hyacinth walks out of the door, slamming the door in Richard's face. She walks towards Mrs Counsellor Nugent.
Mrs Counsellor Nugent (MCN): Oh isn't this jolly exciting. I love tennis and littoral entertainments- whatever that is.
Hya: I'm afraid the littoral entertainments aren't going to be that literal. I'm sorry, but it appears some fool has left this house ontop of ma Sister Violet's. You've herd about Violet. She's the one who married the turf accountany, large swimming pool, sauna, pony and no room for another.
MCN: I've herd of her frequently. Anyway, Mrs Bucket (Hyacinth cringes) where are the other guests?
Hya: Oh, hehe haha, ahh, haha, errm, called away.
MCN: Called away?
Hya: Oh yes, ma neighbour Emmet is a power in local musical circles. He's been called away on an emergency.
MCN: An emergency?
Hya: Oh yes, the local organ's given up.
MCN: Given up!
Hya: It collapsed- poor thing. But the Vicaar will be here soon.
Hyacinth turns to Richard. And whispers…
Hya: What are we going to do about Onslow and Daisy? I can't have them interrupting our littoral entertainment and hand reared smoked salmon eatlets, not to mention blending in with my royal doulton and my three branded coffee.
(Directed to MCN)
You've herd about my 3 blend coffee? There's one that I have imported from Venezuela, the other from Loch Lomond, and the other I get very expensively from Skunthorp.
MCN: Skunthorp? That's not the sort of place I'd associate you with.
Hya: How very perceptive of you dear. No… I just have it imported from Skunthorp.
Rich: Oh look, Hyacinth, isn't that Mrs Barker Finch? And her husband?
Hya: Oh, so it is! MCN, you must meet my neighbour and long life friend. They must be here surfing. I've always thought Richard should start surfing- very executive I think! Does some facial movements- amuses herself.
MCN: Well, why don't I go and meet your neighbours- more buddies for our little game of tennis!
Hya: I believe it's littoral entertainments, as we happen to be by the coast, and I'm sure the Barker Finches have other things to be getting on with. Now do come inside MCN!
As Hyacinth is pushing MCN inside the house, Richard stays outside and is looking at the front garden and does not notice that Onslow, Rose and Daisy have arrived and are amusing themselves with the Barker Finches.
Hyacinth comes back outside and her jaw drops a hundred feet when she sees Onslow in a vest talking to Mrs Barker Finch
Ons: (to Mrs Barker Finch) I've always loved parsley me self, but the wife 'aint too keen on it.
Mrs Barker Finch (MBF): Well, I must have you over as you and your wife and escort are most lovely people!
Ons: Oh, the escort's my Daisy's sister, although, I'm sure she's been an escort more than once! Ehahaha (MBF agrees with his amusement and joins in)
Hya: Oooooo, look Mrs Barker Finch, I do believe that was sky lark. Don't you think so? I'm so sorry you've been landed with this stranger, there are these sort around the place.
Now (directed to Onslow) please stop harassing my very good neighbour and take your baggage elsewhere please (Hyacinth looks at Rose)
Hyacinth tries to split Onslow and Mrs Barker Finch up
Hya: MBF, you must be dying to have a taste of my hand reared smoked salmon eatlets with three branded coffee from Venezuela, Loch Lomond and Scunthorpe.
MBF: Skunthorp!
Hya: Eau yes- (Hyacinth tries to usher MBF into the house meanwhile Mr Barker Finch is involved with Rose although Hyacinth does not notice.)
My Sheridan goes to an outstanding University in Scunthorpe and he sent a gift bless him. He likes to think of his Mummy all the time!
MBF: I didn't know there was a university in Skunthorp. If there is one, it's very modern and probably only a poly. Whereas my Joanna is at Oxford and enjoying every minute of it.
Hya: I didn't know Joanna went to Oxford. You keep things very quite my dear. I guess it's very noticeable who really succeeds, I mean everyone knows about my Sheridan, quite out of coincidence.
MBF: Oh really…… (groans)
The vicar and his wife arrive. Mrs Vicar goes straight into the house. The Vicar stays outside where Rose has finished with Mr Barker Finch. She goes right up to the Vicar and kisses him. Mrs Vicar comes straight out of the house to collect their tennis gear and sees Vicar in the clutches of Rose. Hyacinth sees this- covers her face with her hands. Both the women rush outside.
Hya: Rose! Put the vicar down! He's wearing a dog collar!
Vicar's wife: Michael!
The Vicar looks stunned. Mrs Vicar runs off in tears. Daisy looks gormless, Onslow and Richard chat. The Barker Finch's make a hurried escape.
Hya: What about my littoral entertainments! Don't worry Mrs Barker Finch, I'll be round when I get home. And you can have some of my three brand coffee. Never fear, I'm always near!
The Barker Finches run even faster into the distance.
Fin.