A/N Hi all and thank you for such positive and numerous reviewing –Raistlin Lover, fiji-mermaid, Gina, irishfire:op, Evenstar-mor2004, Neveah101, DUDE, Demon Poptarts, kim, LadyKnight011890 and just a random slash loving pt stoneddemon8. We hope to find some more after this chapter :-)

First, this is a complete parody of King Arthur, so if you're not gifted with a BIG sense for humor and a lot of tolerance, rather don't read further. We have written this fanfic together, my sister Wintermage, and me, but we really don't own anything or anybody. We have written it just for fun, not for money. We doubt we would receive some anyway. Have fun, read and review.

Texts written with cursive are thoughts

Because we lowered the rating of this fic, we had to use instead of full words

P.S. this chapter is more or less suitable for all fans!

5. Captured – part two, A.K.A. the torture

The Saxon caravan entered the main camp that was situated on a meadow near a river. On the opposite shore was a forest. What Lancelot and Guadiana saw, concerned them. It was apparent that the Saxon camp has been situated here for a longer time. Lancelot guessed their number between 80-100.

"How could our scouts oversee such lovely neighbors?" Guadiana whispered in sarmatian.

"Well you know Tristan wasn't scouting so much lately." Smirked Lancelot.

Their chat was interrupted, because the horse guide forgot to stop the horses, so they all ended in chief's tent.

"What are you doing, you son of a b?"

"Well, you said to bring the prisoners to you immediately, brother." Explained Cynric.

"But WITHOUT THE CAGE, YOU IDIOT!" and some nasty words in saxon followed.

"Saxon intelligence." Whispered Lancelot dryly.

"Will you remove the cage now, or will we wait till it vanishes on its own?"

After half an hour, a lot of swearing, two broken noses, an overdriven leg and one destroyed tent later, the prisoners were standing in front of the Saxon chief. He was tall, blond haired and looked very similar to Cynric. His name was Calric. The Saxon leader Cerdic was planning an invasion and sent his both sons Calric and Cynric with a small horde to investigate and collect as much information as possible. Calric stayed to build the camp and sent the "cough" intelligent "cough" Cynric to get some slaves for dirty works.

Cynric bowed to his brother's ear and said quietly but proudly: "Brother, look whom I kidnapped."

"You moron! I told you to bring slaves, not warriors!"

He's gone for two weeks and then brings this! Agrrrr! Father knew why he sent him away…Grrrrr! thought upset Calric when going to have a better look on the prisoners.

"Who are you?"

Guadiana saw Lancelot was about to speak so to not get killed immediately, she spoke as first.

"Sarmatian knights."

"Oh, yes. I heard of you before but I imagined you would look differently, more like men."

"Ugly, uncultivated, just like you?" asked Lancelot.

Calric gave him a deadly glare.

That's it. No more sex in the bushes with Gawain. You couldn't stay quiet Lance, could you?

"You are Lancelot, right? Your behavior is quite famous. Well, I won't get anything useful from you, so I rather ask your companion. What's your name?"

Lancelot's behavior became infectious for a second. "Guess!"

Calric gave her the very same glare like he gave Lancelot before but Cynric interrupted him.

"Let me, let me. I love games. Arthur?"

"No."

"Tristan?"

"No."

"Right, that's the guy with a hawk. Dagonet?"

"No!"

"Oh, that's the tallest. Gawain?"

"NO!"

"Sure, that's the blond one. Bors?"

"NO!"

"Damn, that's the oldest but who are you, then? There is no other knight."

"I'm GALAHAD!"

"Of course, the only knight in skirt."

Why me, why me, what have I done that I deserve such punishment? "Enough little brother." He said and turned back to Guadiana. "To encourage your answers, " he nodded to the Saxons standing near. One of them put a knife to Lancelot's neck. "Better, now where have we stopped? I've heard you're the cook of your company. Is it true?"

"Yes, it is."

"Shut up. Answer no more. My life is not worth it! Wait a minute. He just asked you if you can COOK?"

Calric smiled victoriously "Take him to the kitchen!" Maybe my dumb brother accidentally did something in the right way. "We should punish you for your behavior, dear Lancelot. Take him to the "laundry"!"

Lancelot paled. "Noooooo!"

----------------------

After Tristan finally reached the Saxons camp, he made himself comfortable in the trees on the opposite side of the river and started to observe. He couldn't believe what he saw. Lancelot with death in eyes was kneeing by water. On his right side were dozens of dirty saxon clothes, on his left were few already washed. Few meters away from Lancelot were standing two Saxons with readied crossbows. Considering how wet they were, they were standing nearer in the beginning. From his position Tristan couldn't see Galahad. He knew he can do nothing for his comrades till the rest arrives, so he sent his hawk to fly a round over the camp and give Lancelot a sign that the help is coming and started to enjoy the scene in front of him.

Lancelot noticed the flying hawk and he was happy that help is coming, but pissed off that Tristan was probably having the best show in his life. Unfortunately, he was not the only one, who saw the hawk.

"Look brother, a birdie!"

"Shoot it!" Calric ordered.

Before anyone followed his order, the hawk dropped a "present" directly on Cynric's head.

"Wait, don't shoot it!"

Meanwhile, Guadiana was standing by a big kettledrum and the Saxons were bringing animals of various sort, size and age to her. She looked in disbelief on the collection in front of her that contained squirrels, rabbits, 2 deers, a wolf, a fox, a boar, a smaller bear and one snake.

And I though cooking for knights is bad. "What am I supposed to do with this stuff?"

"A good dinner and supplies from the rest!" ordered Calric's voice from behind her.

She gave him a deadly glare.

"Do you want to change with Lancelot? He's kneeing by the river and washing our clothes from the last month."

"I stay by cooking." stated Guadiana sharply.

"Don't worry, I brought you helpers. It would not be very wise to give you a knife, would it? And we don't want to leave you alone." with those words he threw a look full of lust on her knees and left.

She sighed desperately. "You two remove fur from the animals, you two, make a big fire."

While her thoughts were concentrated on cooking, Lancelot's were starting to travel back in time.

To the hell with the bloody Saxons! Bors probably inspired them with his deed years ago. I was such an innocent young man when he called me and took me to the little lake near our fort. He looked at me and said: "So, little knight-to-be, you have to realize, that your service is not only on the battle field." Then he took off his tunic and threw it to all those filthy clothes that were already lying there. "Wash it, coz I'm having other plans for Vanora!" I spent the whole afternoon there, while he was working on his first child. The rest was lobbing Vanora next day, for how clean everything was. Well, most of them. That bastard Bors can say whatever he wants, he wouldn't have his first child without me. F ass Bors for doing it to me for the first time! F d Saxons for doing it to me again! F Tristan for sitting in the bushes and laughing his ass off! F bastard Arthur for leading us to the damn wood! F p our forefathers, that lost the battle two hundred years ago! F sons of a b, the Romans for taking what's not theirs! Motherf Britannia for existing! My f life not worth even a piece of a s! C, c, c!

Evening and knights have come. Tristan invited them to join him and enjoy the show. They were shocked to see, that the bigger part of the meadow was covered with clean slowly drying clothes.

"What the hell happened here?" whispered Gawain.

"Galahad is cooking for the whole troop, although I haven't considered some of the animals they brought him eatable till now." Tristan showed his sympathy to Gawain with his usual neutral expression. "Lancelot washed 73 tunics, 73 trousers, 73 pieces of underwear, went to piss for two times and splashed half of the river on his guards. And despite all of this he is still alive and conscious."

"I can't believe I missed all this fun!" said Bors suppressing laugh.

"Don't worry, I have a feeling the better part is about to start. Look."

Lancelot finished washing and took his numb hands out of the cold water with an expression of relief on his face. He rubbed his hurting back and tried to stand up. No success, his sore muscles betrayed him.

Are you having fun, Tristan? You will give a perfect massage for all of this. In privacy, in candlelight, with enough oil, without clothes and without your hawk…Despite the situation was Lancelot's face one big evil grin.

Calric couldn't stop looking on Guadiana who was cooking for the whole day, so she couldn't shake off the feeling that she and Lancelot weren't the only ones in the camp who knew about her secret.

"Bring the prisoners to me!"

Lancelot with Guadiana were brought to Calric immediately.

"What's with the dinner?"

"It's ready to be served."

"Fine, divided it into bowls and the washing-girl will carry them to my hungry soldiers. But I wish to be served by the cook personally! Go!"

Mentally and physically devastated knights walked to the kettle.

"He was looking on me the whole time. I think he knows." whispered terrified Guadiana in sarmatian.

"Don't worry, the help is coming. Tristan was observing the camp for quite some time, so the others are near." consoled her Lancelot also in his native language. He wanted to say more but a blow to his back warned him, that there will be no sarmatian chat in the saxon camp. After reaching the kettle, the aroma remembered Lancelot, his empty stomach needs to be filled.

"Will there be anything left for us?"

"Believe me, you don't want to eat this."

Lancelot paled and took the first portions. The hungry Saxons were very pleased and welcomed him with remarks like "Food, service, YUMMY!" or "I think I'm going to catch a Sarmatian knight for myself. They are looking good, doing house works and who knows what else!" and "If they could give birth, you wouldn't need a wife any more." Lancelot with clenched teeth just gave them the bowls and ran away for next.

"I can't understand how can Vanora work in the tavern!" he hissed to Guadiana and went for round two. This time there were no comments but one of the Saxons strong with ale grabbed him and sat him on his lap. Lance gave him a slap and with a sentence: "Not on first date!" left. Saxon's paroxysm of laughter followed him. Unfortunately, he could not see the glare that the insulted Saxon gave him, while muttering: "Fine, the first date was on your command but the second will be on mine!"

I hope the others are making plans how to rescue us and aren't watching, coz if they are I wont hear the end of this.

Calric was not fully trusting to Guadiana's food, so he and his brother were the last to be served, to see what effect will the dinner have on their soldiers first. Because none of them has fallen dead to the ground yet, Calric nodded to Guadiana and Lancelot to bring them the last two bowls. After Guadiana gave him his portion, he pointed to a near lying lute (A/N we also don't know from where did the Saxons get a lute but who cares) and ordered: "Play!" A day spent in Saxon services already left marks, so Guadiana was not surprised at all. But when she was bending for the instrument Calric slapped her butt. Guadiana gulped, because now she was really sure he knows. With a defeated expression she started to play the first song.

Cynric gave his brother a fascinated look because he never noticed his affection for men before. Despite it, he followed his big idol. When Lancelot turned around to go away from the Saxon leaders as far as possible, a big hand fell on his ass. The furious knight punched him and Cynric landed on his back.

"Oh, my little fire…such passion!" whispered Cynric from the ground.

Back in the woods

After seeing what that Saxon did to HIS girlfriend Gawain couldn't hold himself back any more. He grabbed his sword but before he could attack the Saxons, the last free pair of strong hands stopped him. Arthur and Dagonet had to sit down on Bors and press a woolen cloak on his mouth to keep him unmoving and silent. Bors just couldn't help it. After everything he saw, he had to laugh. The fight was hard so none of the trio could pay any attention to either Gawain or Tristan.

"Hold on! Not yet!"

"Let me go! You don't know"

"I DO know. What do you think, who broke that stick back at the lake years ago?"

Gawain's jaw dropped.

Guadiana finished the first song. Her audience rewarded her with enthusiastic shouts: "Yeah!" and "More!"

Calric looked on Lancelot: "You're looking so idle to me. Sing!" and supported his order with a brief touch of his sword.

Lance only sighed and then, after making his famous smirk, started.

"Sgwelwch chi'n dda ga i grempog?
Mae 'ngheg i'n grimpin grempog
Mae Mam rhy dlawd i dlawd i brynu blawd
Mae 'Nhad rhy ddiog i weithio
'Sgwelwch chi'n dda ga i grempog" (1)

90 pairs of wide opened eyes (Saxons, Sarmatian knights, Arthur, Tristan´s hawk and other animals in the near) stared at Lancelot.

"That was very lets say interesting. Maybe you should rather dance."

(1) This is part of the text of a Walesh song „The Pancake song" and you can hear Ioan Gruffudd a.k.a. Lancelot singing it on w w w.i o a n o n l i n e.c o m