A/N: This can really be placed any where before "Once More With Feeling" but mostly this shadows "Afterlife".

Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It all belongs to the masterful Joss Whedon. It does NOT belong to me.
I would to say for the record that I have the best friends anyone can ask for. And I will love them forever.

Now that I've said that...

I hate them.

People say it's such a harsh word, but I really do mean it.

Let me explain:

Being the slayer is hard, yes. I've done it for more than five years. Five years of drama, heartache, and millions of tears. Angel, Parker, Riley, and countless others in the "Romances-That-Didn't-Work" pile. The Master, Spike and Drusilla, Angel, Adam and the government, and Glory. My mother dying. Yet after all that I was able to live. But I was so tired. To see tragedy all around you. "Death" being your gift, it wasn't the best job in the world. I sometimes think I wasn't meant to be brought back that cold night after The Master was killed. When you die, usually you stay that way.

But not me.

Because I'm the slayer, the one girl in the whole world you can save the world. I thought I might of had a way out when Faith came around, even though I was jealous that she got along with everyone and she stole my fries. But she didn't have a real conscience which put me back in the game.

Maybe I'm just wishing it could be like old times.

That Willow, Xander, Giles, and I would gather in the library and research demons and plan attacks. That it was just the four of us. Just the four of us against the world. And our only problems would be what nail polish was best and what cross bow arrows needed sharpening. (While Xander made some joke so he could stop the girl talk and Giles rolled his eyes and wiped his glasses.)

But then Life came in.

We had to grow up and it suddenly wasn't just us. It's wasn't just Vampires! Stake them! It was on such a larger scale. I mean I defeated a God! It didn't really hit me until I killed Angel that I realized how I really did save the world. I mean when your killing the love of your life so the world can survive it makes you think. I realized that I would leave behind people I loved and I would have to give up certain things.

And I didn't even get payed.

Yeah, it sucked. But when I saw Dawn and her saying she had to jump off the ledge, I knew I wouldn't lose her. I had lost too many people, but this was my sister. I didn't care if she was just "some orb of energy", she had my blood and that was enough for me. She didn't choose her fate, it picked her. Just like me. And then I saw that sunset looking picture over the torn portal, and I knew that it was my time to go. No matter how much it would rip my friend's hearts, this warrior had to put up her weapons and rest.

And then that spell happened.

I remember waking up so scared. It's a fear of mine that I would wake up buried alive. But I knew I had been dead, what gives? But panic took over and I crawed my way of my grave. I'm not sure how though.I'm not really sure how I survived to be honest.I've seen how deep in the ground they bury bodies, I don't know how I was able to breathe. Which is probably how vampire can make look so easy, as they don't need air.

I was gone for 147 days.

At least that was what Spike said.

I wasn't even gone half a year. It's so weird, it seemed like forever where I was.

The first thing I felt was pain.

The pain of how my hands had to claw my way of my grave. Then the pain of this wasn't some dream. And the most painful fact that my friends were the one who ripped me from that happy place.

All because they couldn't deal with life without me.

Willow lived on when Oz left. Xander lived on when Cordelina left. Hell, I lived on when Angel left. We lived on when my mother died. All of those hurt more than anything we ever exprienced.

But me? I'm gone and I have to be brought back.

I didn't realize Wil was that powerful. I mean I knew that she had power but bringing back the dead? I thought that was something only the egyptians believed in.

They all thought I had gone to Hell.

That I had killed so many creatures from a hellmouth that hell would want me there so they could torture me. (Or at least I think that's what most of them thought.)

But I was in Heaven.

I just know it.

I was just happy and there was nothing to worry about. I just knew that everything was okay. Something I've never felt in my whole life.

It was peace.

I was finished.

But now I am back in a world where pain is unavoidable. Just because they couldn't deal with my death.

I just wanted to be alone.

That was mostly why I lied to the gang. If I said I was okay, they smiled and left me alone, assuming that I was okay.

But you should never assume.

It was like Heaven wasn't a possibly for them almost for me. It almost made me angry. It was like they thought I was some bad person but I knew in my heart that they could never think that.

I know they had good intentions.

Friends usually do, but they just didn't take the time to look at the details. Like how I would feel afterward. (I can understand on some pointbecause they haven't died.) Butas usual it's about the big picture, but they don't see the frowns I have when I walk in and see the gang researching. They don't see me pulling back from patrolling. They don't see me looking longingly at old pictures on the walls atthe house. They don't see me looking at Mom's room with tears in my eyes. They don't see me looking at Dawn while she sleeps, a smile on her face because her big sister is back.

They just think I have to go through some stuff.

Like I can just get over it just like that.

I was in Heaven for God's sake. I was happy and peaceful and I get ripped into a world that is hard, bright, and violent. Usually you don't get through it over night.

But I told Spike.

I don't know why I did. Probably because he had been dead before when he was changed into a vampire. Maybe he had felt the same things I had, even though it was over a hundred years ago.

I just needed someone to listen.

And Spike is a pretty good listener so I guess I just spilled. He didn't make fun of me. He didn't tell me that what I was feeling was stupid and that I should be grateful to be alive. (Which was what Giles would've said.)

He just was silent.

He just looked like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. And he didn't tell the gang like I asked him to...which was amazing.

I guess he really does love me doesn't me?

I'm getting by. I'm always thinking "What if?" but I'm still breathing so that's a good sign I suppose. I just see how their eyes are just lit up with me being there, I couldn't leave them. I just couldn't do that to them again.

It might shatter them.

Yes I love them to death. (No pun intended.) But I hate them.

And while it may seem like me coming back the dead has given me new life...

It's killing me.

Okay everyone, this was just something I couldn't get out of my head after watching Season6 for the zillionth time.I hope you liked it! Love it? hate it? REVIEW and let me know!