Chelsea Griffin

6/28/05

Gilmore Girls

Chapter 1: One Word

It's been a long time since she thought about that night. The night when she sat in her empty dorm with only a feeling of loss so intense it was suffocating to keep her company. So many emotions had raced through her body. Shock, sorrow, regret. But the feeling that had been most powerful was fear. Fear that she just made the biggest mistake of her life. Fear that she just let the one person she had ever truly loved walk out the door and out of her life forever. Fear that she wouldn't ever be happy again. She had never felt this kind of fear before. She was amazed to find that once again, he was able to bring out such emotions she never thought capable of knowing, let alone feeling. Why does the memory of that night come back to her now? After everything that has happened, everything that has changed.

She stands up abruptly, surprising herself. She wipes the tears that have fallen on her cheek and shuts down her mind. She is amazed at how easy it is to do that now. To just let all of those memories and feelings drain from her body; to shut out the world and everyone in it.

Emily knocks on the door to the pool house and announces that it's time for dinner like she deserves the Nobel Prize for accomplishing such a task and Rory hates her for it. She knows it's wrong to hate them, that they are only trying to help her, but she does anyway. She keeps these feelings to herself. Partly because she's too ashamed to say them out loud, but mainly because she has no one to confide in anymore. Everyone that she cares about is gone. Lorelai, Luke, Lane. And Jess. She desperately wishes her mind would let her forget about them. She pleads with her subconscious to let them go. She doesn't realize that it's her heart that won't let them go, and not her mind.

Emily asks if she's alright. Rory immediately flips the switch and becomes a façade of happiness and of her old self. She contorts her mouth into a painful smile that she wishes she meant and says she is fine. Emily can see the truth behind Rory's eyes but ignores it. They walk to the main house together and another night passes just like they have for the past four months.

Rory is sitting in Luke's diner drinking coffee and patiently waiting for her mother, not at all surprised that she is fifteen minutes late. Luke comes to the table and refills her cup, smiling at her. Rory smiles back, happy to have Luke in her life. A few minutes later, Lorelai walks through the door, making the little bells around the door knob announce her arrival. Rory knows that there is no need for those bells. When Lorelai walks through any door, you can feel it without even looking up. Rory loves that about her. Lorelai sits down at the table, her cheeks flushed from rushing to get here and declares she needs coffee. They automatically start up their usual witty banter and have each other smiling and laughing. It is the most wonderful feeling.

In the middle of one of Lorelai's references, Rory sees someone descend from the apartment upstairs and immediately gets up and walks to him. She wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him, loving how his hands seem to fit perfectly to the curves of her hips. She feels like nothing bad can ever happen. And then, just as suddenly as this fairytale came, it is gone and she is left all alone once again.

She woke up in a cold sweat, tears running down her cheeks. She tries to be strong and to forget, but it's too hard. For the first time in a long time, she allows herself to weep and to feel the pain that she has kept inside for so long. She knows what she should do. God knows how many times she's reached for the phone, dialed the numbers, and then hung up at the first sound of her voice. That voice, that beautiful voice that comforted her when she was sick and made her laugh when she was sad, seems so far away. It's becoming unfamiliar, and that scares Rory.

Finally gaining control over her sobs, she takes a deep breath and picks up the phone. She watches her fingers dial the number. She holds her breath as she listens to the rings. It seems like an eternity goes by as she counts them. One, two, three, four, five, six…"Hello?" Rory is taken aback by the sleepy voice that travels through the phone. She listens to steady breathing on the other end and then she hears her mother's voice again.

"Hello?"

Rory's mind is screaming at her. Say something! Say anything! Don't let her hang up! Don't let things go on like this! Rory takes another deep breath. Come on! She's not going to stay on the phone forever! You have to do it now! Just do it! She hears Lorelai speak again, hearing the frustration in her voice.

"Listen, whoever you are, I'm a pretty tolerant person and for the past few weeks I've let your silent prank calls roll right off me. But I'm getting fed up. I mean, how incredibly rude is it to call someone in the middle of the night when she has to wake up very early the next morning so that she can earn a living! You had your laugh, so please please just leave me alone!

Rory feels the hint of a smile cross her face as she listens to her mother's incoherent ramblings. It's now or never! She takes one last deep breath and forms the word she's been dying to say around her mouth.

"Mom?" At the sound of her voice saying this simple word, she breaks down.