Red vs Blue:War is Hell

Chapter 3

"Church!" Tucker shouted. "Talk to me." Tucker shook his comrade's body. "He's hurt, but alive."

"Who cares?" Simmons asked.

"Simmons, let's get-" Sarge said but was cut off by a bullet going through his chest.

"Son of a bitch!" Simmons yelled.

"Who the fuck is that?" Tucker shouted. Tucker then turned and saw that Simmons had put Sarge in the Warthog and the two have driven off in the jeep almost to their base.

"Tucker." Caboose said. "I think the King of Spades may be-" Caboose was suddenly shot in the leg and fell on the ground. "Ah! Oh! Um, Tucker, I'm hurt. Bad."

"Shut up, Caboose." Tucker said. "Church has been shot in the gut!" Tucker looked up and saw the black armored figure running towards them. "Oh shit, Caboose. It's...it's...it's Tex." Tex ran up the ramp of the base and aimed her sniper rifle at Tucker's face. Tucker giggled and said, "Tex, put that away."

Tex just stared at him and then put it away but pulled out her pistol. "Hello Tucker. Caboose. Church."

"What are you doing here, Tex?" Tucker asked. "Holy crap! I bet you got a new AI and now you're trying to kill us. Just like you killed that other freelancer guy. You evil shark bitch!"

"No, not really." Tex shrugged.

"Wait." Tucker said looking at Church and Caboose laying on the concrete of the roof of the base. "If you're not back to kill everyone then why did you shoot Church and Caboose?"

"Well, Church is a dick." Tex shrugged.

"Got that right." Tucker nodded.

"And I was aiming for you when I shot Caboose." Tex nodded.

"Oh." Tucker said then quickly turned back to her and looked her straight in the eye, or visor. "Wait. You was aiming at me? Why?"

"You're a dick too."

Red base...

Sarge was laying inside the red base with his three men standing over them. "So what happened?" Grif asked Simmons.

"Well, we captured the blue guys, Colorado got killed, Sarge and some blue guys got shot, and we got the hell back here as fast as we fucking could." Simmons said.

"And Sarge got shot?" Donut asked.

"Yes, dumb ass!" Grif yelled. "There's a friggin' hole through his friggin' chest, numb nuts!"

"No need for rudeness." Donut sighed. "I tell you, people in this box canyon get ruder every day."

"This is not time for cock sucking, Donut." Simmons said. "We need to help Sarge."

"Are you sure you're okay?" Tucker asked Caboose. They were all outside next to Shiela.

"Yes." Caboose said standing up. "Shiela. Did you worry?"

Shiela just then turned her cannon and looked at Caboose. "Huh? Oh sorry. I've been shut off for a while. I didn't know anyone had gotten shot. Um, are you okay, Caboose?"

"Yes." Caboose nodded. Caboose then leaned over to Tex and whispered, "She's just playing hard to get."

Church then stood up. "Ugh." he rubbed his head. "Who the hell shot me in the gut? I'll kick his damn ass all the way to Sidewinder! Who was it? A red? Was it Simmons? Or their Sergeant?"

"It was Tex, Church." Tucker said.

"What?" Church turned to the black armored chick. "Tex. You dirty shark bitch."

"I did you a favor." Tex said.

"Oh really?" Church asked loading his pistol and pointing it at her. "How so?"

"Dude, you know you won't shoot her." Tucker said. Church glared at Tucker and put his pistol away.

"Why did you shoot me?" Church asked.

"And why was you going to shoot me?" Tucker asked going to the other side of her. Caboose then got on another side and Shiela on the other boxing her in between the three blues and the death machine.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" Tex asked.

"Um, boxing you in?" Caboose suggested. "Oh! We can pretend to be Blood Gulch."

"Seriously. Why did you shoot us?" Church yelled.

"Okay, okay." Tex said.

"Wait!" Caboose shouted. "Was you going to kill me after you kill Fucker?"

"Caboose," Tucker said, "My name is Tucker. With a T."

"What?" Caboose asked turning to Church. The three stared at him and continued their conversation.

"Dammit, Tex!" Church shouted. "Why did you shoot me?"

"Listen carefully." Tex said. "When the guys who inserted that AI in me found out I got rid of it, he created a new one and put it in Colorado. It was stronger and more powerful than O'Malley. But, it escaped Colorado before I killed him. So, I tried to kill the redguys and you two so it wouldn't find a new host."

"What about Caboose?" Tucker asked.

"It wants an intelligent body." Tex shrugged. "It travels the same way that O'Malley did."

"Well, how do you expect to-" Church was interupted by Tex pointing her pistol in his face. "Um, Tex, what the hell are you doing?"

"Me and you and going to die." Tex said. "Find this freak, kill him, and get new bodies yet again."

"Remind me again how you two actually came back to life." Tucker said.

"Long story." Tex said. "No time." She then aimed the pistol more towards the center of Church's forehead.

"Not so fast." Tex turned around as Caboose whacked her in the face with his machine gun. He then hit Tucker and Church knocking all three of them out.

"Caboose, what are you-" Shiela asked but Caboose interupted her.

"Um, uh, Shiela," Caboose said with a new, deeper voice. "Yeah, let's go." Caboose jumped inside Shiela and they drove off.

Red base...

"Ugh." Sarge got up. "What happened?"

"He's awake!" Grif yelled. Donut and Simmons ran in.

"Sir, I was so worried about you, sir." Simmons said.

"Shhh." Donut said pushing Simmons and Grif back. He grabbed Sarge'shand and began stroking it. "Shh. The Sarge needs his rest. Rest now, sir, rest."

"Dammit, Private!" Sarge yelled hitting Donut with his Shotgun.

"Sir!" Donut shouted. "I'm just trying to-"

"Help?" Sarge asked. "Then don't help. Anyway, who was the little prick that shot me? Was it Caboose again?"

"No sir." Simmons said. "It was that bitch in the black armor, sir."

"Can you say one sentence without ending it with 'sir'?" Grif asked the maroon soldier.

"Let's see." Simmons said. "Fuck you." Simmons then smiled behind his visor. "What do ya know, I can."

"Both of ya!" Sarge yelled. "Quiet! We gotta find that freelancer and kill it."

"Her." Grif said.

"Excuse me?" Sarge asked.

"Her. It's a girl." Grif said.

"Dammit, Grif." Sarge cursed. "Shut your mouth or I'll make Simmons cut out your heart while you sleep!"

"Ooh, I'd do it too, sir." Simmons nodded pleasingly.

"I know you would, son." Sarge said. "Good man, good man."

"Sir, please, just tell us the plan." Grif said.

"Why don't we pretend to be freelancers and-" Donut said but was cut off.

"No!" Sarge, Simmons, and Grif all yelled at the same time.

"Get the Warthog, Simmons." Sarge said. "We'll just do a flat out attack."

"Sir, every time we do that, we blow up." Grif said.

"Dammit, Private!" Sarge shouted stomping his foot on the floor. "I am so tired of you and your bitching! I got a new plan. We'll tie Grif up and roll him out into the middle of the canyon. Then, the blues will come and investigate it. But, little will thebastards know, Grif has a bomb in his stomach."

"Very good plan, sir." Simmons nodded.

"Oh shut up!" Grif shouted. "I'm really fucking sick of you guys bitching about my bitching!"

"Oh get over it!" Sarge yelled.

Shiela rolled towards the red base and stopped on a hilltop. Shiela aimed her gun at the base and said, "Uh, Caboose, is everything alright?"

"Yes!" Caboose yelled with the deep, scary voice. "Now destroy the pathetic reds!"

Shiela sighed and fired her cannon at the base.

"Son of a bitch!" all four reds yelled at the same time.

"Ah crap." Donut said looking out the door way.

"Is it the tank?" Simmons asked.

"Oh yeah." Donut said rejoining his comrades.

"Five minutes is all I'm asking!" Sarge shouted.

"Uh, Sarge, we went three weeks without fighting." Donut said. "I guess it's about time we get back to it."

Shiela continued firing at the base.

"Maybe we should get the Warthog." Grif said.

"You mean the Puma? Or Leprachaun? Or Chupacabra?" Simmons asked.

"For God's sakes, Simmons!" Grif yelled.

"Simmons, kick Grif in the shin." Sarge said.

"Yes sir, sir." Simmons nodded and kicked Grif in the shin.

"Quit being such a kiss-ass!" Grif yelled.

"Stop it!" Donut yelled. The other three turned and stared at him. "Can't you see you're all tearing us apart!"

"Oh, shut-"

"We should work together." Donut said. "Instead of arguing. We should put our differences aside and use our heads to defeat the two hundred ton tank! What do ya say, guys?"

"You know what, Simmons, Grif?" Sarge turned to them. "Let's put a bomb in Donut and roll him out into the canyon, instead."