Red vs Blue:War is Hell
Chapter 7
"Kertruteryuk!" Sarge shouted as the three ghosts exited his body. "Huh? What happened?" he asked. "Why am I in a cave? Oh yeah. Montross."
"Sarge!" Simmons shouted.
"Simmons?" Sarge asked looking at his see-through body. "You're a ghost?"
"I'm dead, Sarge." Simmons said. "Church and Grif too."
"Church and Grif too?" Sarge asked. "Wait a sec. Who's Grif?"
"I'm Grif." Grif said.
"No recall." Sarge shook his head.
"Crap." Grif groaned.
"What's wrong with the noob?" Sarge asked Simmons.
"We don't have time for this." Church said. "Sarge, quickly shut off your radio."
"Okay." Sarge nodded and shut it off.
"Who has their radio on?" Church asked himself.
"No one." Grif said.
"Everyone at your base." Simmons said. "Everyone at our-"
They all looked at eachother then down the cave where they could see the red base out of the entrance to the cave. They could see Donut running back and forth on top of the red bunker.
"Holy crap." Church groaned.
"-so Church, after he shot the cop, bought two tickets back to the USA. Then, once we arrived, he bought a house in New Jersey."
"And that's how he wore a dress?" Tucker asked.
"Yeah." Tex nodded.
"You never said the word, 'dress'." Tucker said.
"Oh crap." Tex laughed. "I told the wrong story."
"Okaaay." Caboose nodded along. "Do you think they've killed the AI yet?"
"I don't know." Tucker said. "But after that story that Tex just told, I have the ultimate boner right now."
"Thanks for sharing, Tucker." Tex told her teal comrade.
"Did you know that when I first met Tucker, I thought he said his name was Lucker?" Caboose asked the two. They stared at him.
"Real interesting, there Caboose." Tex sighed. "When I first met Tucker, I thought he was a girl."
"What?" Tucker turned to her as she and Caboose laughed.
"You just had this quality." Tex shrugged. "And your voice. And you screeched like a girl when a put that grenade in your pocket."
"Your lucky I got it out in time or Blue Command would've been pissed." Tucker said.
"Nuh uh." Caboose shook his head. "They would not have cared."
"Donut!" Church, Sarge, Simmons, and Grif all ran back to red base as fast as they could. Once they reached, Donut had his radio turned up very high playing music.
"Donut!" Sarge shouted. "Turn it off!"
"What?" Donut shouted over the loud music.
"Turn it off!" they all four shouted.
"Wh-grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." Donut groaned as the music shut off.
"Donut?" Simmons slowly walked over to his pink comrade who was just staring off into the horizon. "Donut?"
"Noooo." Donut raised up and pointed his gun at Simmons. "Montross! Ha ha ha!" he laughed and pulled the trigger but the bullet went through his body. "Oh poo, I forgot you was already dead."
"Montross, just give up." Church said. "That's the last body for you in Blood Gulch."
"True, true." Montross nodded.
"Yeah, where could you go for more bodies?" Grif asked. "Well, Earth. But, there's not way out of this box canyon."
"Seriously, who is this guy?" Sarge asked Simmons referring to Grif.
"No one left in Blood Gulch." Montross said again. "Then I'll have to leave Blood Gulch!" Montross then hit Sarge in the face with his pistol and ran off into the cave.
"I wish they would hurry up." Tucker said. "I feel like I'm waiting for my death."
Suddenly, the ghost Church appeared. "Guys, I need you to come to red base."
Tucker, Tex, Church, Caboose, Sarge, Grif, and Simmons were all on top of the red base and of course Church, Grif, and Simmons were ghosts.
"Okay, Sarge, you need to create three robot bodies for us three." Church said.
"No problem." Sarge nodded. "It won't take long." He then ran inside the base.
"Now listen guys." Church said. "Montross is trying to figure out how to leave Blood Gulch. Now, I figure he'll trick Donut into calling Red Command."
"You just need to get inside Donut and kill him first." Tex said.
"Exactly." Church nodded.
"Now, does everyone have their radios off?" Simmons asked.
"Yes." everyone else answered, including Sarge inside the base.
"You sure?" Simmons asked again.
"Yes." everyone answered again.
"Sure?"
"Yes."
"Are you absoloutely positively sure?"
"Yes!"
"Okay, you don't have to yell." Simmons sighed.
"So where is he?" Tucker asked.
"He ran off into the caves again." Grif replied.
"How could I leave Blood Gulch?" Montross asked himself. "How could I leave Blood Gulch?"
"You could fly."
"Who said that?" Montross asked looking around.
"Me." Donut said. "The guy who's body you stole."
"Oh, yes." Montross nodded calming down. "I forget that I steal bodies sometimes."
"So, am I the third body?" Donut asked.
"Yeah." Montross replied. "First was Colorado. Then Sarge and now you."
"I'm honored to be your third." Donut nodded.
"Right." Montross said freaked out. "I can't believe I'm wearing pink armor. Goodness."
"It's not pink." Donut said. "It's lightish red. But isn't it comfortable against your thighes?"
"Oh yes." Montross smiled looking at his armor. "Very comfortable. I'd just like a new color. Like the color of death! Ha ha ha!"
"That would be red." Donut said.
"Red?" Montross asked. "Dang it! I've already had red! Darn!"
"Hey, do you know whatthe term, jerk off, means?" Donut asked the evil AI.
"Okay, so Tucker and I will corner him and then you three go inside of him." Tex said.
"I have one robot body done!" Sarge shouted from inside the base.
"Great!" Church shouted back. "Okay, Grif, Simmons, you ready?"
"Crap." Grif moaned. "Do we have to?"
"Yes." Church nodded. "Unless you want a madman running around killing everyone."
"What do you care?" Grif asked. "You're already dead."
"Well, um, I, uh." Church began thinking to himself. "You know something? I don't know why I care."
"Maybe to save the rest of us?" Tex suggested.
"Sure, let's go with that." Church nodded. "Anway, guys, let's go!"
"I don't wanna." Grif groaned.
"Come on, you big baby." Simmons said. "Don't you want to save the ones you love?"
"The ones I love are already dead." Grif said. "Me."
"Fine." Simmons said.
"Yeah." Church nodded. "Come on, Simmons." Church and Simmons ran off towards the cave.
"No." Donut shook his head.
"Come on." Montross encouraged him. "Just make a little call to Red Command and have them bring in a Pelican to pick you up but actually, they'll be picking me up. Heh heh."
"Nah." Donut shrugged.
"Hmm." Montross started thinking. "Oh I know! Truth or dare?"
"Truth!" Donut shouted with joy.
"Okay, what do I have to do for you to call Red Command and make them pick us up?"
"You'll have to dare me." Donut said. "Okay, my turn. Truth or dare?"
"Dare."
"Okay, I dare you to leave my body."
"I'll take a chicken."
"Crap." Donut said. "But you only get one."
"Truth or dare, Donut."
"Dare."
"I dare you to call Red Command and have them pick me up." Montross smiled evilly.
"Well, I hate to use my chicken, so okay."
Church and Simmons appeared inside the cave and saw Donut but he was talking to someone but it wasn't Montross.
"Who's he talking to?" Simmons whispered.
"Yeah, I want a plane sent to Blood Gulch." Donut said. "No, I-yeah. Okay. Not for me. Well, yeah for me. My Sergeant? He's exporting me. No, I'm not a need or service. I just need-no. No. No. Yes. Just get me a fucking plane!" Donut screamed and hung up. "Damn, Red Command is so stupid."
"Oh crap, Church." Simmons groaned.
"Yeah, he's already called for a Pelican." Church said. "Come on, let's go!" Church and Simmons charged towards Donut but he moved out of the way.
"What is it?" Montross asked.
"Hm. I thought I saw a mysterious being headed towarded me." Donut said nervously as he looked around the cave.
"Must be more of ourghost friends." Montross grunted.
"G-G-Ghosts?" Donut asked.
"Oh shut up, fool." Montross ordered the pink private.
"Crud." Church whispered. "Donut's gonna keep dodging us."
"I can get him." Simmons said and charged towards Donut but Donut jumped and Simmons went through a cave wall.
"Curses!" Montross shouted seeing Church. "We must flee!" he shouted again and ran out of the cave right as Simmons reappeared.
"Dammit." Church cursed. "He got away."
"Hey, do you hear something?" Simmons asked.
"What's that noise?" Tucker asked. Tex, Caboose, Sarge, and the three robot bodies all began looking around to see what the noise was.
"I don't know." Tex said still looking around then she was speechless to see a Pelican heading towards them then landing in the center of Blood Gulch.
"Holy crap." Tucker groaned.
"I'll be a monkey's uncle." Sarge said. "He actually called them."
"We have to stop them! Come on!" Tex yelled and all four of them jumped off the bunker and ran towards the plane. The robots stayed at the base.
"There it is, Montross!" Donut yelled running toward the plane.
"Ha ha ha!" Montross laughed. "I shall rule the universe!"
"Come on, Simmons!" Church and Simmons began running toward the Pelican.
"Hurry Church!" Simmons yelled as they ran towards it.
The pilot of the Pelican exited it and lit a cigarette then leaned up against it and sighed. He then saw three blues and red head towards him. He looked at them oddly then saw a pink guy running towards him. He looked oddly at him too then finally saw two ghosts running towards him.
"I see why that guy wanted out of here." the pilot said taking a puff of his cigarette. All of the men running towards him finally reached him. "Okay, who sent for me 'cause I gotta be outta here soon."
"Um, it was me." Simmons said.
"No, it was me." Montross growled.
"Me!" Sarge yelled.
"Me!" Tex yelled.
"It was not me!" Caboose yelled. They all looked at him then went back to yelling.
'This is my chance to get out of here.' Tucker thought. "I am Private Donut. I called for you."
"Yes, it was Private Donut who called for the plane." the pilot nodded.
"But, I'm Private Donut." Donut moaned.
"Um, no you're not." Tucker said.
"Good plan, Tucker." Caboose said. They all looked at him again. "Making him think you are the Donut."
"Um, heh heh, Caboose." Tucker said. "I am Donut."
"Nooo. You are Tucker." Caboose said.
"No, Caboose, you fucking moron, I am Donut." Tucker snapped.
"No, the pink guy is-" Caboose was interuppted by Sarge and Tex tackling him shutting him up.
"Okay, okay." the pilot calmed everyone. "Who is Donut?"
"Me!" everyone yelled.
"Dammit!" Montross shouted. "I am-oh my God. I cursed." Montross then began crying. "I'm sorry, Lord."
"This coming from the guy who's trying to dominate the universe." Church whispered to Tex.
"Is this guy Donut?" the pilot asked reffering to Donut.
"Shit." Sarge growled. "Somebody kill Donut!"
"What?" Donut turned to them.
"Okay." Tex shrugged and shot Donut in the face with her pistol. Donut fell down but then got back up. "Huh?"
"He's alive?" Church asked.
"Yeah, and when I get shot in the face, I die." Simmons rolled his eyes.
"I don't know why I survived." Donut said.
"It's possible that I shot him while Montross was changing bodies so the bullet, and death, was interuppted." Tex said. Everyone stared at her clueless. "For God's sakes. Donut's mind evaded the bullet because Montross switched bodies." she sighed.
"Well, fuck." Church groaned. "Where the hell is he now? He can't get a fucking break."
"Ha ha ha." the pilot began laughing. "I am Mon-" Montross was interuppted by a sniper rifle shot blasting through the side of his head with his blood splattering everywhere. Everyone stared oddly at the pilot's dead body. They looked to the side and saw an orange armored figure with a sniper rifle on the ridge of the canyon.
"Son of a bitch, yes!" Grif cheered. "I got that bastard." Grif jumped off the ridge and ran up to the others.
"Holy shit, Grif." Simmons grinned. "He killed him."
"Did he technically kill Montross?" Tucker asked.
"Yes." Donut nodded. "As soon as Montross left me, I switched off my radio."
"Good job, Donut." Sarge nodded. "And you too, orange guy."
"Yeah, Grif." Church nodded. "How did you do it?"
"Well," Grif said, "After I left the base, I went into the cave and spied on Montross. I learned that Donut had called Red Command. So, I saw that everyone had left our bases so I grabbed my robot body and a sniper rifle. I was actually going to shoot Donut but the dumb ass pilot muttered something about being Montross so conveinently, he stepped in front of my bullet and I killed him."
"Nice going." Church nodded.
"Son, I don't know who you are, but you could be the next ass kisser in my army." Sarge put his hand on Grif's shoulder.
"Really sir?" Grif asked.
"Yes." Sarge nodded.
"Well, I'd love to, Sarge, but, well, I'm leaving." Grif sighed.
"Leaving?" Simmons asked.
"What do you mean?" Tucker asked.
"I'm taking the Pelican and I'm going home."
"Why?" Tex asked.
"I'm ready to quit the war, so everyone, good bye." Grif took a deep breath and was about to step onto the Pelican but Tex stopped him.
"Wait, Grif." Tex said. "Before you go, I want to show everyone something."
"What is it?" Tucker asked.
"Step close, everyone." Tex said holding a bright sphere object in her hand. Suddenly, it exploded in a flash of light.