Chapter Five: Tiger Lily

The last time he had been this nervous boarding the Hogwarts Express had been five years ago when he was only a first year. Except the difference had been that James was with him and had made everything better with his own nervousness. They always kept each other strong.

But now James wasn't with him and the whole reason for his nervousness was the fact that James Potter hadn't spoken to him in about three weeks. Since they were five years old, they had been virtually inseparable. Even when one of them went on vacation, there was always the knowledge that they could find each other if anything were to come up. But not only had he lost Lily's companionship but he had lost James' friendship as well.

The only consolation was that James would forgive him after he told him that he was no longer seeing Lily and that everything was okay.

Sirius walked to the back of the train to the last compartment that the Marauders always occupied and stowed his luggage away. He waited anxiously for his friends to arrive and played with the hem of his Muggle t-shirt, a nervous fidget that Moony always found irritating.

He had been initially hurt when neither Remus nor Peter had bothered to communicate with him. Sirius had not been expecting James to ever talk to him again and he could understand that Peter had his loyalties to James, his first friend. But he had been sure that Remus would write to him to at least know if he was alright. Now he figured they were all on James' side.

The compartment door swung open and James Potter stood there in all his glory, his jet black hair messy as usual and his glasses gleaming with the sun that poured through the compartment window.

He stopped short when he saw Sirius sitting there and glared at him in hostility.

"What are you doing here, Black?"

Evidently he hadn't forgiven him.

Sirius took a few calming breaths and said, "Listen James, I'm really sorry for everything that's happened and I want you to know that Lily and I aren't seeing each other anymore. She really cares about you, mate, even if she won't admit it right now, but even if she didn't I still don't think I could go out with her knowing that you feel about her the way you do."

There was a tense silence that filled the compartment as James continued to glare at him.

"And you think this changes everything?" James asked cuttingly.

This was not how it was suppose to go.

"James! I'm not going out with her anymore! She's all yours!" He paused and then said softly, "She's always been yours."

James shook his head and laughed humorlessly. "That's not the point! The point is that you went out on a date with her in the first place knowing that I…that I…like her…a lot" James started looking flustered and tried to get his bearings straight. "And you probably snogged her senseless!"

"I didn't mean to fall in love with her!" Sirius practically screamed in James' face.

This time the silence was electrified by both of the boys' trying not to hit the other.

James finally leaned in and hissed in Sirius' face, "I don't need a hand out, Black. Go out with Evans, see if I care. If you love her so much than you can have her. But just stay away from me." He picked up his trunk again and stormed out of the compartment (as well as you can storm out with a heavy trunk) and Sirius was left alone, fuming and hurt.

A few minutes of sitting there, gazing at nothing, brought another person to the compartment.

Remus Lupin had been standing outside the compartment listening to their conversation the whole time. And when James had stormed out, he had followed to see where he would end up, knowing Sirius wouldn't go anywhere.

But realizing that James would be okay with Peter and the compartment full of 6th year Gryffindors they had sat with, Remus went back to Sirius and resolved to stay with him for the rest of the journey.

He sat there and startled Sirius when he placed his hand on his friend's slumped shoulders.

"Are you alright, Sirius?"

Sirius lowered his eyes and pushed his friend's hand away harshly. "Go away." He whispered.

Remus' hurt amber eyes reflected back with confusion that Sirius didn't see because he refused to look at him. "I'm not going anywhere, Padfoot." Remus said determinedly.

Sirius scooted away from him on the seat. "Just go back to James. We both know that he's your real friend."

And for the second time that month, Sirius was punched in the face, landing on the compartment floor holding his cheek.

He looked up at Remus in shock and saw his friend standing like some Greek warrior in all his righteousness. "Stop being an idiot Sirius." Remus said calmly, though by the look in his eyes he was furious. "You know perfectly well that I could never choose one of you over the other and I refuse to do so now. Now sit down and talk to me."

Sirius got up and did as he was told. He sat down next to Remus and talked to him.

"He hates me, Moony. And I miss Lily. And I miss the Marauders." Sirius suddenly laughed sadly. "I always thought women would be the death of us. I was right."

Remus shook his head and put his arm around Sirius' shoulders.

"Padfoot, remember last year when you sent Snape to the Womping Willow?" Sirius practically recoiled when Remus asked that. Remus was always weird when that subject was brought up and there he was speaking about it like he was commenting on the weather. It was the last thing Sirius expected him to say. But he nodded obediently and waited expectantly for Remus to continue. "All the sorry's in the world couldn't make me see your sincerity. It took a bigger action of your loyalty for me to see you were truly sorry."

Sirius remembered what he was talking about. He had been desperate to show Remus how sorry he was and had done an act of pure selflessness to show him. He had sold his new, beloved broomstick and, with the money, bought Remus a bottle of Wolfsbane Potion, a recent breakthrough for the welfare of werewolves but very expensive and hard to come by. Sirius' broom was one of his most valued and treasured possessions. To sell something he had been so proud of, something he head earned with his own money was incredible enough. But to do so for Remus' benefit was enough to make Remus see that words should have been enough for him.

He had wanted, even begged, for Sirius to give the potion back and buy his broom back. But Sirius refused. He was happy riding the ancient Comet 13 if it meant helping the friend that he had wronged.

The next full moon was the best ever for Remus Lupin and, unbeknownst to Sirius, the rest of the Marauders had already earned enough money together to buy Sirius a new broomstick for Christmas, providing that the Marauders were still together.

"John, chapter 3, verse 18." Remus said thoughtfully.

"Huh?"

"It's a Bible passage. 'Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.'"

"Wow." Sirius said in wonder. "You should quote the Bible more often."

Remus laughed good naturedly. He was always being made fun of for worshipping the Catholic Church so reverently. "I do, Padfoot. It just flies right past you."

They sat in silence for a couple more minutes until Sirius broke the silence.

"So you're saying," Sirius started slowly, "That I have to show him how sorry I am?"

"Not only that but you have to be smart about it. Are you sorry for loving Lily?"

Sirius shook his head without thinking. "No."

"Are you sorry for hurting James and Lily?"

"Definitely."

"Then kill two birds with one stone."

Sirius sat there with Remus for the better part of their journey thinking this over. When the train was almost there, he nudged Remus with his shoulder and asked, "Do you still have that old acoustic guitar your father gave you a couple of years ago?"

Remus furrowed his eyebrows. "Yes, Padfoot." He was very confused and slightly wary.

"I hope you've been practicing," Sirius said, his eyes glowing in a mischievous smile, "because I have a brilliant idea!"

Remus shook his head. He was glad his friend was smiling again but he was a little afraid of what Sirius wanted him to do. 'Good grief,' Remus thought.

Two weeks into the new school year went by with James being subdued, Peter being helpless, Lily being melancholy, and Remus and Sirius going to the Room of Requirement a lot to practice. James still refused to speak to Sirius but Sirius had a plan to fix it. He hoped that James and Lily would both understand the message so that James wouldn't think he had purposely meant to hurt him and Lily wouldn't think he just used her and that she meant nothing to him.

The evening before his big plan was suppose to be executed, Sirius caught Lily in the halls making their way back to Gryffindor Tower for the night. They walked side by side for a while in silence before Lily said, "I love you, Sirius."

'Horrible timing,' was Sirius' first thought. He stopped and turned to her hesitantly and asked, "Do you really?"

She nodded and smiled meekly.

"Do you love me as much as James?" He had tried not to ask it and every voice that sounded like Remus yelled at him that he still didn't understand. But this had been bothering him for so long that he had to ask it.

Lily did the unexpected thing and remained calm, if a little thoughtful. She cocked her head cutely to the side and pursed her lips together, a little like Professor McGonagall. "Love can't be measured, can it Sirius?"

Sirius blinked at her and asked jokingly, "Have you been talking to Remus lately?"

Lily laughed gently and took his elbow as they continued their trek to Gryffindor Tower. "Remus and I had this discussion last year during a study session in the library. We both came to the conclusion that you can love different people in different ways but neither love is valued higher than another." Then she paused and furrowed her eyebrows in concentration. "Except one."

"What's that?" Sirius asked softly as the silence of the deserted halls echoed pleasantly around them. He was a little terrified to know the answer.

"The love of a mother or father for their child." She replied back with a smile.

Sirius returned the smile down to her and leaned his head against hers'.

"So you love me, then?"

"Yes I do."

"How?"

"Like you're this unexpected laughter that filled my heart."

"And how do you love James?"

Silence.

She whispered with a sad smile, "Like I could live a thousand lives and none of them would be complete if he wasn't there."

She looked up at Sirius expectantly and he was already smiling a very real, very handsome, grin, recalling James' similar words about her. "Excellent." He breathed out the word and already, he was feeling back to his usual self.

There was only one thing more to solve.

So the morning of his great plan came and Remus mumbled grumpily as they went off to breakfast before everyone else with their guitars, "I don't believe you talked me into this."

"Don't worry, Moony! You're great and this is for all of us. We need the Marauders back together."

Remus sighed and followed Sirius to the Great Hall. No one was there when they arrived so they hid their guitars under the staff table where Dumbledore usually sat and waited for everyone to come to breakfast.

It was their belief that their headmaster knew exactly what was going on in his castle when it concerned their public displays of mischievousness so they weren't too worried when they both stood up after the Great Hall was completely packed and walked up to the staff table and took out their equipment. Remus set down their two goblets and transfigured them into microphones and then stood there waiting for Sirius to begin.

Sirius tapped the microphone and winced as his amplifier protested.

Everyone looked up from their breakfast and expectantly at Sirius, all curious about this disturbance. What did Sirius Black have cooked up for them this time? With hopes that this particular prank wasn't aimed at everyone of the student body, they all watched him apprehensively and curiously as both Sirius and Remus sat in front of the teachers table on stools so that they were elevated above the rest of the students.

Professor McGonagall stood up swiftly to apprehend them before they got a chance to do anything but Dumbledore, with a bright twinkle in his eyes behind his half-mooned spectacles, placed a hand on her arm and bid her to sit down and allow "the dear boys to take care of some business."

Sirius grinned at the best Headmaster Hogwarts had ever seen and turned back to the rest of the students. Gulping, and wondering if this was indeed a good idea, Sirius decided to 'play it cool' and continue with his course of action.

"Okay," he began nonchalantly into the microphone, "over the summer I had this pretty interesting affair with the best girl I'm ever going to meet. And while we didn't fall in love with each other," Sirius looked pointedly at James who quickly looked back down at his plate with a stoic face. "We did become friends. Well, friends with a few benefits." He nearly laughed along with everyone else when he saw James swiftly look at him with wide and horrified eyes. "Anyway, I kind of learned that sometimes you have to look deeper at people and really get to know them and sometimes they surprise you. And I also learned that love could have a lot of different faces." He looked directly at Lily who was blushing sweetly but otherwise meeting his stare with the corner of her lips twitching upwards. "Most importantly, friendship is the most important thing in the world and if you follow your heart then it will never lead you against your friends." He paused again to look at James, who was currently whispering something into Peter's ear. He looked over at Moony who grinned at him. "So I'm going to play and sing a song I wrote for you," some people groaned (having heard him wail a song in the shower in the boys dormitory), "Hey! It won't be bad! I promise! And my associate here," he pointed at Remus, "will accompany me. This song is called Tiger Lily for no apparent reason." He winked and everyone turned to look at Lily who blushed even deeper. "This goes out to my best girl", Lily smiled widely, "and my best friend." James' eyes softened and he allowed a whisper of a smile on his face.

He took a deep breath and began. A/N: Bold is Sirius, Italic is Remus, both is underlined.

"We drive tonight
and you are by my side.
We're talking about our lives
like we've known each other forever.
The time flies by
with the sound of your voice.
It's close to paradise
with the end surely near."

He closed his eyes and for a moment, he saw Lily's face in front of him, laughing and talking to him like he was the only one in the universe.


"And if I could only stop the car
and hold onto you
and never let go (and never let go)
I'll never let go (I'll never let go)
As we round the corner
to your house
you turned to me and said,
"I'll be going through withdrawal of you
for this one night we have spent."'

Lily's face was interrupted by James' angry words.

"I hate you Sirius Black! You ruined my life!"

"She's the one. You just know when this is the one you'll never get over. That you could leave and never see her for twenty years and then come back and know you are still in love with her and everything else is meaningless."

"How could you, Sirius?"


And I want to speak these words
but I guess I'll just bite my tongue
and accept "someday, somehow"
as the words that we'll hang from

Sirius knew that what he felt for Lily was love. That as much as he wanted to tell Lily and James that he just had a crush on her and they were just the best of friends now, he just couldn't lie to them. He loved her and wanted her to be his.

And I (I...), I don't want to speak these words.
Cause I (cause I...I don't want to make things any worse.
And I (I...I don't want to speak these words.
Cause I (cause I...), I don't want to make things any worse.

But while he loved her he knew that in twenty years, if he were to leave and come back to see her, she would be married to James Potter with a mess of kids and Sirius would feel a joy in his heart that would overwhelm all the doubts in his mind.

Why does tonight have to end?
Why don't we hit restart
and pause it at our favorite parts.
We'll skip the goodbyes.
If I had it my way
I'd turn the car around and runaway,
just you and I.

He could hear Moony telling him,

"There is someone for you that will be just for you, Sirius. And I know that no one will be like Lily to you because no one ever could. But you can have it all, Padfoot."

"What do you mean?"

"You can have Lily's love, James' love, and a love all of your own. Love has many faces, Sirius. What you and Lily have is your love and while it is different than the love that James and Lily has for each other, it loses none of its value. It's just different."

"That's kind of confusing, Moony."

"Love always is."

And I (I...I don't want to speak these words.
Cause I (cause I...), I don't want to make things any worse.
And I (I...I don't want to speak these words
cause I, I don't want to make things
and I, I don't want to make things any worse

Finishing his song, drowning out the applause of the school, who were surprised to know that Sirius and Remus really could sing, Sirius thought that it was okay to want something more with Lily. She was, after all, a great girl. But it wasn't for them. He realized that what he really wanted was for his best friends to be happy and for himself to find happiness like they would eventually have. He had faith in that.

They would get together and maybe Sirius would come back in twenty years. And he knew that this selflessness would feel just as good in twenty years as it did now.

He smiled broadly at everyone in the Great Hall, at Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall, the latter dabbing her eyes discreetly with her table napkin, and winked at Remus who grinned joyfully back. They transfigured their goblets back and took their guitars away with them, ignoring the gaze of their friends, and going outside where they could be alone for a while. It was Saturday and they intended to find some peace for a while and wait for things to come.

"Moony?"

"Yeah?"

"This hurts."

"Romans, chapter 12, verse 9 and 10."

"What's that one, Moony?"

Remus smiled consolingly. "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves."

Sirius sighed and muttered, "Stupid Bible. It makes too much sense to ignore."

Remus shook his head and looked off toward the castle from where they were sitting under the willow (the safe willow) by the edge of the forest.

He saw James with his hands in his pockets, his head bowed down, striding towards them and knew that it was time to make his leave.

"I'm going to leave you with one more." Remus said standing up.

"What's that?"

"'Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble.' John, chapter 2, verse 10. You did what your heart told you was right and I personally believe that the same voice comes from somewhere we may never understand. You can call it intuition or instinct. But I call them angels."

Sirius watched Remus walk away and put his hand briefly on James' shoulder as he past him. He wondered vaguely whether he would blur and disappear or whether he would show his wings and fly away. Sirius was sure that Remus, "dark creature" that he was suppose to be, was his angel.

The next thing he knew, James was sitting next to him, his legs drawn up to his chest and his chin resting on his knees.

"Prongs?" Sirius tried warily when it looked like James wasn't going to speak.

"Yes, Padfoot?" James replied tiredly.

"Do you forgive me?"

James shook his head and Sirius fought for control over his emotions when his eyes filled up with tears of loss.

Again, James shook his head and looked out towards the lake sighing and said, "There's nothing to forgive, Sirius. If anything, I should be asking for your apology."

Sirius let out a shaky breath and said, ever so articulate, "Huh?"

"I was very unfair, Sirius. I was just angry and confused and I felt betrayed. But I know we can't help our emotions. Otherwise I never would have fallen for Lily of all people." James smiled wistfully. Then he gave a thoughtful look to Sirius. "Did you mean what you said? About loving Lily?"

Sirius nodded a little and then ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "Yeah, but this…well…this is what I can't explain. Not even to myself. I just…I know for certain that we would make a great couple but we wouldn't be the couple. You know? Like, the same something inside of you that told you that falling in love and being with Tiger Lily was the right thing is the same thing telling me that I love her but we're just not meant for each other. I've always believed in signs and following my instincts, right? So this is one of those moments. Maybe in a few years I'll realize that I love Tiger Lily like a sister but for now, all I know is that I love her and I love you and that's what's most important. Just love." Sirius paused and took a breath. "Remus said that I should be waiting for a greater love. A great love like you and Lily are going to have someday." Sirius laughed softly and leaned forward, looking down. He said just as softly, "He believes in angels."

James smiled brightly and said, "So do I."

They sat there in companionable silence; relishing the comfort they took in knowing they would always be friends.

Then James got this curious look on his face and asked, "What's with you calling her Tiger Lily, Sirius?"

Sirius was pensive for awhile and finally replied, "You know those water Lilies on the pond?" James nodded. "She's way too loud to be one of those." James laughed but his laughter subsided when Sirius still looked pensive. He raised his eyebrow at him, much like Remus did, so Sirius shared his thought with him. "You know how simple words sometimes have bigger meanings? Like names do?" Again, James nodded. "I think her nickname just means that she's different and special and that so many people care about her. Doesn't necessarily mean anything but … 'love.' Just love, James." He put his chin in his hands and said, "I've been deprived of it for so long that now I think those angels are making up for it in different doses."

"Just love Sirius?"

"Yup."

"Alright, just love."

"It doesn't matter if it's brotherly love, romantic love, or love for a son or a friend. Because if Lily has taught me one thing, it's that love is just love. Period."

"Padfoot?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for loving me."

"AWWW!"

SMOOCH!

"EW! SIRIUS! You didn't have to kiss me!"

"I know! I just wanted to say thanks for loving me too."

Silence.

"Let's go thank Remus too!"

"I think Padfoot would like to give Remus doggy kisses for helping him out!"

"You're gross."

"Woof."

James ran after a big, black, dog and he wondered whether it was safe for his friend to run around in his animagus form.

He shrugged his shoulders and figured they would take a shortcut to their dorm room. He smiled contently and resolved to pray, every night, for Sirius to find a love as great as the one he would have in the future, as long as he played his cards right.

He wondered how lucky he was to have friends as good as gold; as good as brothers. And remembered something Remus had told him one time.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

'Tiger Lily,' was his last thought before he entered the castle in search of his friends.

THE END

A/N: Some people might not understand this concept of love or the whole Tiger Lily thing but I liked it (and I'm Queen of the Universe…well…not really but I can dream!) This story line might have been a little off its plot at times but I like all the dynamics of the characters (except for one Peter Pettigrew who just snored and whined in this fic. Poor guy. People just don't like him, even if he's not a traitor yet.) Anyway, I hope you liked it even if it was a little off and hopefully I'll be posting my new story (which will be infinitely better) in a couple of days. Also, if some of you didn't like the Catholic references or the Bible references then I hope I didn't offend you (I'm Catholic) but I thought that might make Remus' character a little more interesting. No Flames! I'm very proud of my religion and think it should have its place in MY HP world so it can better reflect myself as a writer. Also, some weird Catholics (like my uncle) are saying this stuff is devil writing and I would like to address that by saying…some people are losers.

On a sad note, I would also like to send out my prayers and good wishes to all those who were affected by the terrorist attacks in London. I pray we might someday have peace in the world and that this kind of tragedy never happens again.

Peace and good wishes! C.Q.