Chapter 4

Mindless Thoughts

James was at a loss for words, having the image that he was envisioning an illusion, but as seconds passed, disappointed clouded his face, his eyes drooping beneath his lower eyelashes and his nose widening like it always did when he became said. He focused his attention on the cocktail table in front of him, folding his hands in tension. Lily eyed him with awareness, expecting him to utter a word, but he didn't. They sat silently for a few moments, as if both were strangers meeting for the first time, until Lily spoke, "James?"

His hands separated into wonder, and he finally faced her, "Lily, how can you even think of that? Give up our baby? Are you insane?"

"No, I am not. It's for the safety of our baby. He will be born, and then what? He'll be in instant danger, and we won't be able to do anything about it because of the prophecy."

"We'll protect him. Don't worry about that as long as I'm here."

"Oh, yeah? What if we're both at work and say, one of our parents are watching him, and he gets attacked? Hell, if it is my parents, there's no hope. What then?"

"Lily, we'll figure that out later. As long as we protect him, he should be fine."

"Can you promise that?"

James delayed talking for a bit, thinking of how to answer, "No, but I can assure it. I'm still shocked at what you said, Lily. Especially coming out of you, an expecting mother. You would think that I would be the one to suggest it, but no. I don't think I know you."

"It makes sense, and it is me. I don't want to borne a child and then lose him…it would be going through too much pain."

"Even if that's true, there's no way I'm giving up our baby." James said adamantly.

Lily did not know what else to say to convince him. After all, he had good reason to refuse, but then again, she also had good argument. She was ashamed to think and express the idea, but it had to be expressed.

"Alright. Can I have a few days to think about it then?" Lily suggested. She found that he had stopped looking at her again, and she was hurt by it, but not as much as he probably was hurt by her words.

"Whatever you want, but until you change your mind, I am not speaking with you." He stood up in an abrupt manner and went across the family room and to the bedroom. Lily sat there, in complete shock. James had never refused to speak to her like this. It was so unlike him. Tears were coming to her eyes but she blocked them from flowing. She was a big girl and she could handle this. Only a few days it would be that she wouldn't talk to him, but still…it was not right. She was the mother, and she should have a right to say what she wanted in the subject of their unborn baby. A wave of loneliness swept her as she thought of James. Lily had always thought that a baby would bring them in unity, not break them apart.

…

For comfort, Lily visited her best friend Mariah, her Muggle friend that she had known since the age of seven. Over the summers between her years at Hogwarts, Mariah had always asked her where she went for school, and she never answered, but after their seventh year, Mariah had come into her room and seen her wand and a bunch of books about Transfiguration and Potions. All the secrets had leaked, and Lily was happy to have a close friend that she could talk to about anything.

Mariah was incredibly short, almost five feet, and thin as the rim of a surfboard. With icy blue eyes, she lit up the room like a fluorescent light bulb and radiated uniqueness with her dyed black hair contrasting with her eyes. One thing that always annoyed Lily was that Mariah never took anything seriously. She always found her jumping and shrieking, being perky almost all the time, but there had been a few times when she had listened to Lily, like the time Petunia had told on her about when she had lied that she was going to a girlfriend's house, but actually had ended up going to a boy's. But that was all in the past. What Lily hoped was that Mariah would listen to her now.

"So, Lily, what's cooking?" She piped up, crashing onto her highly elevated bed.

"Something serious, so I need you to calm down, even though I know it's hard for you."

"Okay. Bring me with it." Mariah said, settling herself comfortably.

"I'm pregnant."

Her wild nature emerged, screaming with jubilance. She hugged her warmly, "Aww…Lily. With James, I presume?"

"Of course." Lily snapped, "Who else?"

"Oh, I don't know. I was thinking of that guy that you-"

"Shut it, shut it. I'm not done talking."

"Okay, go ahead."

"See, I'm pregnant, but there's a problem." She told Mariah everything about the prophecy and how they were hiding out at Godric's Hollow for the time being. Mariah listened intently, and even though Lily could tell that she was bursting to say something, she kept quiet for most of the time.

"See, the problem is, that if this baby is born into this world, it'll be out of the world like that." She snapped her fingers, "Is it fair to him that he should have to fight the most powerful wizard of our time?"

"No, it's not, but what can you do about it. You're already pregnant, and there's nothing to be done about that."

"But what if I remove it?"

Mariah gasped, "Lily! How could you say such a thing? I didn't know you believed in abortion!"

"It's not really abortion. It's a magical transferal to another witch who isn't able to conceive."

"But still, it is in the category of abortion, and I still can't believe you suggested it. I thought I knew you better than that!" Mariah said, shaking her head in disbelief.

"You sound just like James."

"Yeah, well, James is right. It's not fair to the baby if you give it up. James must be devastated."

"Yes. He said he won't talk to me until I agree with him…" Lily trailed off her sentence, missing James. Indeed, he had not said a word to her since last night. Sure, they had slept in the same bed, but he hadn't even turned to her side to kiss her goodnight or anything. She couldn't stand being ignored by him.

"Well, I guess you don't deserve that, but I'm still with him. So, have you changed your mind?"

"No…" She hadn't. There wasn't enough reason to change it, because all the reasons against it were stronger in her head, refusing her to have this baby.

"I hope you do, Lily, because nothing is worth giving up your first baby. I'm always here if you need to talk to me some more."

"Thanks, Mariah." She hugged her and got up from the bed, preparing to leave.

…

James had been cursed. He found he couldn't even sit in peace. Here he was, at Sirius's apartment, looking for solace in his friend, and the same words kept haunting his mind constantly. I don't think we should have this baby, James, she had said. Those words would never leave him for years to come. To think that Lily had said that, had suggested of abortion, was impossible for him to deal with it.

I don't think we should have this baby, James.

Sirius made two cups of hot cocoa and brought it to him, sitting down on the nylon chair, "So Prongs. What ails you?"

"Thanks." He sipped the cocoa, almost burning his lips, and set it down on the table. What was inside of him burnt more than the cocoa.

"Lily said she doesn't want to have the baby. She wants to give it up."

"What?"

"Yeah. I still can't believe it."

Sirius sipped the cocoa from his special forest green mug and set it down as well, "Maybe she's just concerned for the baby, from what you told me about the prophecy."

"Yes, but there's no reason to give it up. I can't believe she said it, and you should have heard it, Padfoot."

"Alright, and what did you say back?"

"I said…I wouldn't talk to her until she changed her mind." He said in a low tone, regretting he had ever said that. He didn't mean to, but it had just come out in sadness or anger. He wished he could take it back, but he did not want to talk to her. Like it or not, he was angry with her.

"Oh, Prongs. Did you have to say that? She must be so hurt now."

"Yes, I think she is, but I can't change it now…"

"Just talk to her and sort it out. Make her see why you shouldn't give up your baby. She must love the baby as much as you do. She is going to be a mother, after all."

"But then how could she say that-"

"I understand where she's coming from. It's concern for the baby, and you can't blame her for that."

"I guess not…"

"So go talk to her, Prongs." Sirius urged him, patting his shoulder softly. That was what he had needed. Some words of comfort. He gurgled down the rest of the cocoa and headed out the door.

…

Lily was back to St.Mungo's for work, still not having made up her mind about the baby. She felt a bit nauseated around the stomach, but besides that, she was fine physically. Today, they had put her in the maternity ward, ironically. She was to take care of women that had already had their baby and were now supposed to rest. First, she was sent to Mrs.Robertson on the third floor, and she stayed there for an hour or so, entertaining her by playing cards. It might seem foolish, but that's what the patient had asked her to do. Next, she was sent to a woman named Mrs. Paula Knowles. She was Lily's age, about twenty to twenty-one, with long chestnut hair and olive green eyes.

"Hello, Lily." She greeted her warmly, and she retrieved the greeting equally. Lily had met Paula a few months before when she had come in for her checkup, and she found her to be a sweetheart.

"How's your little one doing?"

"Oh, he's fine. I hear you're having a little one of your own too."

Lily looked at her, alarmed, "How did you know?"

"It's been traveling all around the ward."

"Great." Thanks to James, she thought.

"Want to hold him?"

"Uh…sure." Lily said with uncertainty. Paula rang one of the doctors, and in no time, a beautiful and adorable little baby entered the room in a tall doctor's arms.

"Give him to her." Paula told him, and the doctor came over to her and landed the baby slowly into her arms. Lily stared at him, taking in the miracle in front of her eyes. He was simply beautiful…cute little diamond shaped eyes and a cute wide chubby nose that was close to his pucker soft lips. She was grinning, and surprisingly, he grinned back. Tears came down her cheeks. She was mesmerized, and she had come into realization about her own baby. How could she have ever thought of giving it up? James was right. She had lost her mind.

"Aww, sweetie, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" Paula stood up from the bed and came over to her. She hugged Lily, placating her softly.

"It's just…your baby…and…" Lily hiccupped, still in tears.

"Shhh…" Paula quieted her, "Just let it out."

"I…should go…I have to see…someone…excuse me-" Lily didn't want anything more than to see James and apologize.

…

"JAMES!"

"LIL!"

Lily and James collided into each other by accident, falling backwards to the floor as a result. For the first time in days, they freely laughed.

"What's gotten your mood up?" James asked her, getting up and helping her along the way.

"I thought you weren't talking to me?"

"I changed my mind. Lil, listen."

"I'm sorry." They both said at the same time. Lily forwarded and brushed his lips against his, "I don't know how I could have ever thought of giving my baby up. James, I was at St.Mungo's with Paula, this really sweet patient, and I held her baby, and he was the cutest thing ever. Nothing like that should be neglected, especially not our baby. I don't want to give it up, James."

"Really?" James shouted with joy, "What about the prophecy and all that?"

"Like you said, we'll protect him. I love you James."

"Love you too."

From that day on, Lily never had a doubt in her mind about their baby. They would keep him safe as much as possible, and if not, she knew there would always be people to take care of him, lest they died when he was young. Nothing could stop her from loving her baby, especially not Voldemort.