PART IV – RAMIFICATIONS
Chapter 35
That night the storm subsided and a cool breeze swept over their campsite, which penetrated into their shelter and swept over Shinji's body. He woke up from the chill he felt. He saw Asuka shudder and turn to face him. She cuddled up against his chest and he and reached for the blanket nearby laying it over him and Asuka. She was still asleep. He looked down at her and then bought his arm around her underneath the blanket and drew her close. He saw her breathe in and he smiled as he looked at her and gently ran his hand through her hair.
He heard her moan out sleepily and saw the corners of her mouth turn up into a smile. He couldn't stop watching her and he drew her closer to him as he felt her hand against his chest and her head nestled against him.
"I've never felt this way before." He whispered to her as he watched her sleep. It's new and exciting. I can't believe the way I feel! I have never been so happy or secure in my entire life. Is this what it's like to fall in love?"
"Asuka, I love you." He whispered to her as he gently brushed the hair from her face and smiled. You've made my dream come true. I have someone to love and I know you love me just as much as I love you. I wish you were awake. I want to tell you so badly. In the morning I will. I'll hold you so close. I'll look into your eyes and tell you that I love you and that I want to be with you forever. Then, I'll make love to you again and then, you'll be my wife. My mate. I love you, Asuka.
Shinji smiled at her, he kissed her forehead and held her close to him. He took a deep breath, and then he shut his eyes, breathing in with a large smile on his face, as he fell asleep holding Asuka close to him.
Asuka's eyes opened slowly as she stared at him. She couldn't believe what he had just said. He loves me? He's fallen in love with me? You love me, Shinji? Asuka breathed in as she heard the words, they touched her heart in a way she couldn't ever describe. Then fear ran through her. Oh, no! No! NO! That stupid idiot! Why? Why couldn't you just let this be a physical thing between us? Why did you have to go and fall in love with me? I can't feel this way. I'll lose my strength if I do and I can't…. I just can't. No, I won't! I won't be vulnerable to anyone least of all him! I don't care what he thinks or how I feel! I am not going to allow myself to love this idiot! Wait…. oh no! I do love this idiot! Yes, I do. Oh fuck! How did that happen? I don't want to love this idiot! How can I love him? I don't want to. I have to…. change his mind about this…. somehow. Maybe if I tell him to just forget about it that will change things. Yeah, that's right. I don't want him to love me. I don't want to love him. I do though. I love him. God, why am I such an ass? Why do I love him? I was stupid that's why. Oh, whom are you kidding! You've always loved him. You've just…. hid it very well. This is actually you're fault, Asuka. You were the one who wanted him to become stronger and come out of his shell and now that he has, you're scared because you've fallen in love with him. Idiot! Stupid fucking idiot! Why did you fall in love with me, Shinji? Why? Why? Why did you make me fall in love with you? I can't fall in love. I can't lose my strength. I won't let you make me vulnerable. I won't! No way! I'm not ready for this!
Asuka watched him sleep for a while and then just when the sun was starting to rise and the rays of light came through the shelter, slowly she got up and was careful not to wake him.
She looked at him while he slept. He still had the dopey smile on his face and she wanted so badly just to reach over and hold him tight. She decided though she wouldn't. She was not about to give in to these feelings.
She quickly got dressed and then picked up her backpack and came out of the shelter. She looked around and then breathed in the morning air, it had become cold over night. It was just about dawn and the sky seemed to look clear and beautiful.
She closed her eyes as she stood outside of the shelter. She looked back towards the entrance of the shelter and saw him asleep. Her mind was twisted with confusion and her feelings were entangled with each other.
She walked forward as the wind blew through her hair and tears came down her face.
Her mind was flooded with indecision and fear. She wished that last night had never happened between the two of them. Why? Why had I been so damned weak and stupid? I know why…I needed him. He made me feel safe and then passion took over. Damn those raging hormones! That was it. It wasn't about love…. it was sexual, that's all. I'm lying. I do love him. I love him deeply but I will not admit it. I can't do that! I know that if I let my emotions go then my strength would go too. I know that if I allowed my vulnerability to come through I would become weak, defenseless, at his mercy and I won't allow that to happen. I can't lose my strength; it was the only thing in this world I have left.
She sat down on the ground. She brought her knees up to her chest and then laid her head against her arm. "What do I do?" She asked herself aloud. At least, we didn't have sex! I could imagine how much worse this might have been. Thank God we didn't go all the way last night. It was a big mistake to have happened what happened last night. We weren't ready for that. We're too young for this type of thing. I don't want to be in love now. Maybe later on, when we're older, yeah I can deal with being in love but definitely not now. At least last night was only foreplay and foreplay really doesn't mean anything. If that's true though, why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like we shared something totally special and unique and wonderful? Why do I feel like we made love? Stop it, Asuka. You can't feel that way. Snap out of it! I'll tell him to forget it! Forget the whole thing even happened…. yeah that's it. He'll be pissed at me for a while but this is Shinji we're talking about…. he'll get over it. I tell him I don't remember cuddling with him at night so why is this any different? Yeah that's it! It's just another….thing. I had a waking dream…. yeah, that's it. After all, he's an idiot. He'd buy that…. wait, no, why? Just say that it was a mistake, it should have never have happened. He's an idiot and I refuse to love him. I will not lose my strength to him! Fuck that! NO falling in love! I won't do it! I don't want to do it! Not me! Not now. Not ever!
Chapter 36
In the morning Shinji yawned and stretched. He breathed in the cool morning air and woke up on his back feeling invigorated and restful. He was also hard as a rock and a smirk crossed his lips as a thought came to his mind.
He chuckled and then turned around to reach out for Asuka hoping of a repeat performance of last night but noticed she wasn't there as his hand felt the cold ground underneath his palm.
His eyes opened and saw the empty spot where she had been. He sat up and breathed out. Something's wrong.
Quickly, he reached for the boxers and threw them on. Then grabbed his pullover since the weather had become a bit chillier and put it on. He got up and crawled out of the shelter.
He stood up, looked around and then he saw her, she was sitting alone, fully dressed, the backpack beside her. Her knees were up to her chest and her arms were wrapped around them.
"Asuka?" he asked. Something is really wrong.
She shut her eyes as she heard him.
He walked over to her, surprised by what he saw, and as he got closer he heard her say, in an annoyed tone of voice that he had been all too familiar with over the last two months. "Go away. I don't want to be disturbed."
"Asuka?" he asked. Oh please don't let it be like before. Don't tell me you don't want to remember it happened. Don't do that. I'm begging you. Please, Asuka, not again.
"What?" She said as she turned her head to face him. "You didn't understand me? I said GO AWAY!" Back off, Shinji. It's not going to happen. I won't let it. Back off!
"Why?" he asked.
"What part of go away do you not understand?" Asuka snapped. Don't look at me like that. Stop it. I'm not going to give in to you. It never fucking happened. It was a big mistake. Forget it.
Please, Asuka. Don't do this to me. Not after I fall in love with you. Not now. Please don't. "I thought after…. last night…. that…you…"
"That after last night I'd what?" Asuka asked. It's not working. He's not going to go for it. Turn up the bitch in you, Asuka. Make him forget it. Stop looking at me like that, Shinji. It's not going to work.
"I'd thought…you'd…want to be closer to me?"
Asuka sneered. "Closer to you?" She shook her head, stood up and looked at him. "It was a big mistake to have happen what happened last night, Shinji! A big mistake!"
Shinji breathed in and couldn't believe she had said what she had just said. No. NO! Oh God no! Asuka, please don't. Don't do this. "What…. what do you mean? You and me…we…connected to each other. Asuka, I…"
"Snap out of it, Shinji!" Asuka yelled. "It happened because of…coincidence. I was scared, you were horny, and that's why it happened! So let's forget it happened in the first place. It was all about coincidence and that's it! It was just foreplay! It was just sexual! It should have never happened!"
She can't be serious! She's saying it was a mistake? That it was a coincidence? NO, ASUKA, DAMNIT! Don't do this to me. Please, don't hurt me like this. "Coincidence? Just…. sexual?" Shinji asked. "No. It was not like that, Asuka! I don't care if it was a coincidence! What in the hell does that matter? You needed me. I needed you. We needed each other. Shouldn't that tell you something? It may have been coincidence but it was amazing last night! It was incredible! We made love last night, Asuka! Asuka, how can you just ask me to forget it?"
"We did not make love last night!" Asuka corrected.
"Yes, Asuka we did!"
"Oh, Shinji, just forget it even happened!" Asuka growled.
"I don't' want to!" Shinji yelled. 'I never want to forget that! That was amazing and great and I never want to forget that moment! How can you even say that to me? How you just ask me to forget it? Why do you want to forget it? Why, Asuka?"
"How? Easily! We NEVER should have gone down that route!" Asuka said as she crossed her arms. "It tells me that it should NEVER happen AGAIN."
No, Asuka. You can't be telling me this. Please don't say that. Please don't be serious. I know you're afraid. Let it go Shinji took a breath as he heard her words. "Why?"
"Because…" Asuka snapped. ", It…. just shouldn't."
"That's not good enough, Asuka!" Shinji demanded as he came closer to her. "Asuka, last night was so amazing to me. It wasn't just about being horny. It was real. It was something spectacular and great! I made love to you last night and Asuka, last night I fell…"
"Don't you dare say it!" Asuka yelled out as she looked at him, holding back tears in her eyes and running up to him. "Don't you DARE SAY IT!"
"Asuka…." He whispered to her.
"STOP IT!" She roared out as she stuck her finger in his face and stared deep into his eyes. Oh, no don't let it come out! Don't let it. Fight back, Asuka. Control. Maintain control. "Stop…." She said in a barely audible tone. Her eyes were starting to tear up and her bottom lip shook. "Just…don't." Asuka's voice began to crack and she ran away from him.
He watched as she stopped and then put her hand over her eyes, her back was turned to him. Don't let him get to you. Don't let him see you cry. Find your strength. Fight back, Asuka. Fight it! You can't give in!
"Asuka…" he asked as he looked at her and walked towards her. Asuka, don't be afraid. I'm here and I'll always be here for you. I love you. Don't shut me out now. Don't break my heart like this. Please, Asuka. I can't deal with this if you do this to me…. don't do it!
"Don't come near me!" Asuka said through tears.
"Asuka, why ….why are you crying?" he asked as he came closer.
"I am NOT FUCKING CRYING!" Asuka growled as she tried to hold back her tears. "Just stay away from me!"
Asuka, you're breaking my heart. Don't be afraid. I'm here and I love you. "How could you be so cruel to me?" he asked her as he looked at her, "What's wrong, Asuka? Why won't you tell me? Why are you upset? Did I do something wrong? What did I do? Why are you crying? DAMNIT, ASUKA, TELL ME!"
Asuka bought her arms to her sides and tightened her fists. She breathed in as she remembered her objective. You will not get to me. I will not fall. I will not give into this!
Asuka whipped her head around and then snapped. "Shut the fuck up and never bring it up again! You got your jollies on last night! You can consider that your one and only time with me! We didn't make love last night! We just fooled around!"
"It wasn't about sex last night, Asuka!" Shinji yelled out. "That wasn't all about sex! Goddamnit, Asuka, it was about something much more! What? Did you think that we didn't make love to each other? We did, Asuka! My heart connected to yours. We connected to each other, which to me, is making love! It was about something meaningful, something real, in the face of all of this hell! Asuka, it was so great last night! It was like nothing I ever knew before! Asuka, you need to know something. Asuka, what I am feeling for you is…."
"Shut up, Shinji!" Asuka growled.
"Asuka, please don't…" Shinji said as he walked closer to her. "Don't do this, Asuka. Let me say this to you…. I have to…I want to tell you that I have fallen…"
"I said, SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Asuka bellowed. Her eyes were wide and a tear rolled out of them.
She turned her back again and her voice cracked and shook. "It meant nothing! We were just…. fooling around and it got out of control! It was a mistake!" She breathed in as she held back her tears and she faced him.
His eyes widened as he looked at her and he breathed out, feeling like she had thrown a spear right through the center of his center. "Asuka?"
Her face was full of disgust. "SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT ALL READY!" Asuka yelled out as she glared at him and then turned her back to him again.
"Asuka?" Shinji said in a low voice. "I just want to tell you that I…"
Her face became bright red as she fought back the tears with all of her strength, then she yelled out. "DON'T YOU FUCKING SAY IT BECAUSE I DON'T! WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU AND ME WAS JUST PHYSICAL!"
Shinji breathed in as he hard her.
Then she said coolly. "It was an animal attraction, Shinji! We got carried away! Animals mate and don't give a damn about each other and that was us last night! It was an instinctual, physical thing! You disgust me!"
Shinji began to breathe in and out rapidly as he heard her words. How dare you! How fucking dare you! You fucking bitch! "Physical? You're lying to me! It was not just physical! I know you feel something but you're not telling me! Don't be afraid!" Shinji shook his head at her and held back his own tears and his rage.
"I'm not lying!" Asuka said coldly. "I am not afraid of anything. I do not feel that way about you! You're a fucking idiot! You disgust me! You're weak and simple minded! I don't want to be in love with you! Why would I want that?"
That's it! His eyes narrowed at her and at his side, his fist shook with pure unyielding rage. He imagined the vision he had where he strangled Asuka and now he was feeling the same way. You bitch! I could kill you for saying what you just said! How dare you! How fucking dare you! Asuka, you've wounded me in a way you could never comprehend. Now, it's my turn. Now you're going to see everything I hold back from you. Now you're going to see what you turned me into. Want to see the rage I used to unleash upon the angels? Now, it's going to be coming straight at you! I disgust you? You disgust me, you fucking whore!
Looking at her, he was so angry, so hurt and so he called out as loud as he could. "YOU bitch!"
Asuka turned as he heard her snap off at her. He had never been that way with her. Usually, he took her garbage and then sulked but to call her a bitch? That was unusual.
"What did you just say?" Asuka asked.
Shinji ignored her and then walked over to the shelter and went inside.
"SHINJI, GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!" Asuka yelled out.
Shinji continued to ignore her. He was furious. Last night meant nothing to her. Nothing. It was all for a waste. Screw it all. Now I'm going to treat her like shit just like she treats me. I won't be this weak guy she can push around anymore!
He quickly threw on jeans with his boots and then grabbed his backpack. He walked out of the shelter and then walked up to her.
"Get your shit together!" he barked out. "We gotta get a move on. I'm not wasting valuable time so you can flap your mouth!"
Asuka's eyes widened when he yelled at her. "Don't speak to me like that you fucking idiot. I'll beat your fucking ass if you ever speak that way to me again!"
Shinji sneered at her and said. "No. You won't."
"You have no right to speak that way to me, you fucking idiot!"
"I'll speak to you anyway I want, you fucking bitch!" Shinji retorted. "You like to insult and degrade. I'll give it right back to you. Oh and one other thing, don't ever; EVER, fucking touch me in the middle of the night AGAIN! You want to cry at night? Cry alone!"
That irritated Asuka. "I told you…never to bring that up AGAIN! How dare you…."
"Yeah, I know what you told me!" Shinji yelled out. "You don't order me around any longer! Now pick up your shit and let's go! We're wasting daylight and we've got more ground to cover."
"You carry it!" Asuka growled.
"Pick it up or it STAYS there!" Shinji growled.
"Fine!" Asuka barked. "I'll go my own way. You can go off on your own!" She knew that would terrify him.
He sneered and shook his head. "Fine. Stay here by yourself with NO ONE! I'm going! I'd be better off without you anyway!"
He picked up his backpack and then began to walk away. Asuka watched as he walked further and further away and then quickly she grabbed her pack, put it on and chased after him.
He heard her running up from behind him and stopped, crossing his arms. She came running up to him, out of breath and looked at him with hurt in her eyes. Good, he thought, I hit a nerve. "Oh, so you decided to come with me, huh? What's your problem? Are you afraid to be left alone?" he asked.
"Just…" Asuka looked at his face, she couldn't say anything.
"Well?" he asked with a smirk.
"Nothing." She said.
"Nothing?" Shinji asked.
"Yeah." Asuka growled. "NOTHING. Let's go!"
"Wow! You have nothing to say? That's a first!" Shinji turned and began to walk with Asuka following behind him not saying anything at all.
Chapter 37
They walked throughout the entire day and it seemed like they found nothing. No signs of life. No towns left. Nothing. They knew sooner or later, they had to find something.
Shinji had also noticed that the weather had started to shift from unbearably hot yesterday to a chill. He stopped and took his backpack off, rummaging through the backpack to pull out the heavy jacket he had found a few weeks back.
He quickly put it on and then he turned to see Asuka with her arms around herself, shivering. .
"What the hell is going on?" Asuka asked in a shaky voice. "We go from hot to cold. This is insane!"
"It's the change in the weather." Shinji said. "The Earth is probably out of whack. Seasons are probably changing according to what's happening around us."
"That's just fantastic." Asuka said in an annoyed tone.
"Put on your jacket then!" Shinji barked.
"I can't, Asshole!" Asuka yelled out.
"Why not?" he asked.
"Because I don't have one!" Asuka said angrily.
"Before we left the bar, we went to that destroyed sporting goods store! There were tons of jackets in there! Did you take one?"
"Yes!" Asuka yelled.
"So where is it?" Shinji yelled.
"Somewhere!" Asuka yelled back.
"What?"
"I FUCKING LOST IT!" Asuka screamed as she crossed her arms and looked away, turning red.
Shinji snickered and she shot an annoyed look at him.
"WHAT?" She growled.
Shinji cleared his throat and crossed his arms as he looked at her with half a grin. "You…. lost your jacket?"
"Yes!" Asuka barked. "I used it as a pillow one night and I think I forgot to pack it up. I don't know what I did with it!"
"How in the hell…. DID YOU LOSE YOUR FUCKING JACKET? HOW COULD YOU FORGET IT?" he yelled.
"I. …DON'T…KNOW, SHINJI!" Asuka growled.
Shinji shook his head and then took a deep breath as he spoke in a more clearer and nastier tone. "That was stupid, Asuka! You should pay more attention to detail, Asuka. Now because you were stupid, you lost your jacket."
Asuka growled. Stupid? Did he just call me STUPID? "Who the fuck do you think you are?" She growled.
"I think I just called you stupid." Shinji said with a grin.
Asuka growled and then came at him. "You bastard!"
He watched her get angry and he smirked. Then she reared back and bought her hand down in which he raised his hand and snatched her wrist, he wasn't squeezing or being forceful. He simply just held it. .
She breathed out as he looked at her. She could see a mass of confusion in his eyes. He pulled her to him and stared into her eyes and Asuka's eyes went wide…because she saw pure radiated anger in his face and it scared her.
For the first time ever, Asuka backed away from Shinji.
"Don't ever try that again." He said in a growl as he let her hand go.
Asuka became red in the face. At this point I pushed him too far. Last night had met something to him as it did to me but I…can't even admit it. Shinji, I am afraid. I am losing my strength because of this. I'm so scared. Oh god, what did I do?
As she looked at him, she watched as his eyes narrowed and her voice shook as she said. "Shin…. Shinji, calm down."
"You will never touch me AGAIN!" He yelled out as she stepped back further from him.
"You called me stupid."
"You deserved it." He told her.
"Don't call me stupid."
"Fine." Shinji said to her as he looked back at her. He saw that she was shivering and it was getting colder. He was furious with her. He was tempted to let her freeze "Are you cold?"
"N.no!" Asuka lied.
He may have been mad as hell with her and developed more of a backbone but he was also still gentle and compassionate. Looking at her, he put his backpack down and unzipped his jacket.
"Take this." He told her as he took off his jacket and held it out to her.
Asuka looked back to him astonished what he had just done. "But what about you…"
Shinji smirked and then said. "I'm a guy. I can handle it. We'll come across another town soon and I'll get a jacket when we hit the next town."
Asuka would have normally taken that as a challenge and refused the jacket but she was cold and she decided to let it go. She took the jacket and then put it on, zipping it up.
She looked back to him. "Thank you." She whispered.
Shinji nodded at her and then rummaged through his backpack. He took a deep breath as he saw he had only two sweaters and a pull over for winters wear. He quickly took out one of the two heavy sweaters out and then put it on, and then he threw the backpack over his shoulder.
Asuka normally would have issued a nasty comment seeing at what he just did but knowing he had given her his jacket, she couldn't see how a belittling comment would be warranted in this situation.
"Come on." Shinji said.
Asuka nodded and they began to walk.
Chapter 38
When it became apparent as the day turned into the night, that they hadn't found any deserted towns or structures, reality set in that they would have to sleep outside. Asuka for the first time in two months did not start her I-want-to-make-you-feel-guilty argument.
Shinji took off his backpack and then him and Asuka began to make up a campsite.
Quickly, they started a small fire, which burned brightly but still did not seem to be good enough against the cold night air that was now starting to get colder.
They hadn't spoken throughout most of the day. When they ate, which was not much, just a can of soup that they shared in order to ration out their food, they still were silent.
Shinji wondered how long this would go on for and she equally thought the same.
Then finally the silence broke. "Hey, that was really nice of you. Thank you for giving me the jacket." Asuka said to him in a low voice.
Shinji nodded his head and tended to the fire. "Its okay." He told her.
"Are you…going to be okay?" She asked.
"Yeah." He told her. All though he wouldn't admit it, the cold was starting to bother him. It was cutting right through the sweater and making him shiver.
"Do you want to sit over here?" she asked as she looked back to him.
Still angry at the way she had treated him in the morning, Shinji settled against a rock on the other side of the fire, opposite her. He glared at her and she could see the hurt in his eyes.
Asuka didn't want him to sleep over there. She wanted him nearby, as he had always been, but she had a feeling he wouldn't do that. So, she thought of other excuses to possibly getting him to sit by her. "It's going to be very cold tonight."
"Your point?" Shinji asked, knowing what she was getting at.
"Well don't' you think if you sat over here, we'd both be warmer?"
Shinji sighed and then pulled a blanket out of the backpack and wrapped it around him. "You've got some nerve." He told her coldly.
"I just mean it's going to be cold tonight. You'd be warmer over here."
Shinji sneered and then said. "Not particularly. I think I'd be colder by you."
Asuka knew what that statement meant. She knew she had that coming. "Okay then." She did want him nearby and thereby she knew it was time to suck up her pride and issue a formal apology. She knew that was the only way she would ever get Shinji near her ever again. "Listen," She said as she looked at him. "I want to tell you something about…last night…."
"I don't care what you have to say!" Shinji snapped. "I am not in the mood for your attempt at an apology. Nothing you could say can change that."
Asuka felt anger well up within her. Here she was ready to sacrifice her pride and apologize to him for being a bitch and he wouldn't even listen to her? How dare he! It wasn't often that she apologized, actually she couldn't remember when she did apologize to him ever, but now she was going to and he didn't want to listen? "Oh, is that how it is?" Asuka asked sarcastically.
"That's how it is, Asuka." Shinji told her angrily.
"You know I'm trying to say sorry here…. can't you listen?"
"Oh, you're trying to say sorry now? Asuka, I don't care! No! I don't want to listen to you!" he snapped.
"Fine then! Good night!" She said as she settled down on the rock and wrapped herself in her own blanket, pulling up the hood of her jacket.
"Yeah good night." Shinji said as he looked at her and breathed out, again keeping the bat nearby.
As the night progressed, Shinji wished he hadn't been so stubborn about not sleeping with Asuka that night. It was freezing cold and he shivered for most of the night. Even though the fire was warm, he had to keep waking up in order to keep it going and frequently, he had to go and get more wood. More so, when he woke up to tend to the fire, he heard her. Small whimpers. Crying.
A large part of him wanted to go over to her and simply hold her but then he remembered to stand fast on his position. He would never do that again. Anytime he showed her affection, she simply became a bitch. She did it to him the night after the storm and she would no longer do it to him again.
Shinji could usually deal with the yelling, bitching, complaining, whining and screaming because then when they settled down after the day was over, they frequently found things to talk about and laugh about. She made him feel alive and when they fought, he found a spark in her that ignited in him as well.
However, what she had done to him today, where she wanted him to forget about his most important moment with her ever…that was asking too much. Why though? Why did she want to forget about it? Had it confused her that much?
Shinji sighed out and looked up at the stars and then at her. For the first time since they had been put together, he had not slept without her nearby. He didn't' like not having her close but he was angry.
Asuka had gone too far with that comment…just too damned far. However he knew the reason and he wondered if she would ever let her pride go for just that reason.
Chapter 39
The next day lead to no shelter, no towns and as Asuka looked in the backpack to make dinner, she growled out. "OH FUCK!"
"What?" Shinji asked as he stood near the edge of a cliff and looked out.
"We've got a problem! A huge fucking problem!"
Shinji turned to her as the wind blew through his hair and crossed his arms. "What's the problem?"
"The problem is we are down to five cans of soup! That's it. There's no more!" Asuka said nervously.
Shinji took a breath and looked out into the distance. "I know."
"You knew? You knew and you didn't feel that was crucial information to inform me about? Idiot!"
Shinji shrugged and looked out. "It doesn't matter. We can ration it until we…." His voice drifted off as he stared straight ahead.
"Are you listening to me?" She growled as she got up and ran over to him. "What the hell are you looking at?"
"Asuka, look over there." He said as he looked out.
She looked and saw it. It was a huge beautiful snow capped mountain in the distance and she thought to herself as she saw it. That's the prettiest thing I've seen in this world yet well, since the world ended anyway. It reminds me of. …Home. Germany. It's beautiful.
"It's nice." Asuka said as looked out..
"Yeah." Shinji said as he looked out.
"So, are you going to stand there and look at the mountain and the sunset or are you going to help me with camp?" Asuka asked in an annoyed tone.
As the day was ending; Shinji and Asuka sat up camp. Asuka watched Shinji, as he seemed to be more tired then he was the day before.
It worried her to see him like that. He looks sick, she thought to herself, Is that stress? Could he be getting sick? Am I the cause of it?
She watched him set up the fire and then place his large bat nearby, she took a deep breath as she settled against a rock underneath the blanket and looked at him with worry.
"You want something to eat?" he asked her.
"Nah." Asuka said
"Me neither." He told her as he got up and then stood outside of the campfire, looking out.
Asuka watched him and then felt sleep come to her. She settled down and went to sleep.
Shinji then turned his head and looked at her. There was pain in his face as he looked at her.
Why?
It was the only thing he could think of as he looked at her. He shook his head and shut his eyes, he took a breath and then thought.. Goddamnit, why?
Chapter 40
The following night bought colder air then the night before and Asuka woke up from feeling chilly. As she awoke, she watched while Shinji shivered and moved closer to the fire. She sat up and looked over at him.
"You'd be better off over here." Asuka said.
"I don't want to sit by you!" Shinji snapped as he looked at her angrily and then covered his mouth as he coughed.
"Idiot! It's cold! We both are cold! It makes sense!"
Shinji bit his cheek as he looked at her, huffing angrily. "Be quiet, Asuka."
Asuka shook her head as she looked at him. "Are you…ever going to get past that?"
Oh no you didn't! You didn't just say that to me. Shinji sneered as he looked at her and shook his head at her. "Just shut your mouth!"
Asuka's eyes widened as she heard him snap off at her and watched as he settled against the rock and glared at her.
She knew he wasn't going to listen to her and she wondered if there was anyway she could get him to accept her apology. Shinji, doesn't run when I'm affectionate with him. I have to try to get him to listen to me. Maybe this will work.
She got up with the blanket wrapped around her and walked over to him. He watched her as she came over to him and then turned his head away, refusing to look at her. She looked at him and then went to touch him.
He got up and moved away from her, sitting on a large rock, facing away from her. "Go away, Asuka." He said angrily.
Asuka got up and walked over to him. "Shinji?"
"Leave me alone!" he growled.
She stood behind him and then wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on his shoulder. "Don't be angry anymore." She whispered to him.
"I can be angry." He told her as he breathed in from feeling her touch. "I have every right to be!"
Asuka placed her hand on his cheek and gently, turned his face to her. She saw his eyes. He was hurt, angry and his eyes were starting to well up with tears. "Shinji…let me say something please?"
"No." He said to her in a breath as he looked away.
Asuka felt her tears well up in her eyes and her heart was full of hurt as she looked at him. "Shinji…. I'm sorry…" She moved close to him and kissed him on his cheek.
Did she just say I'm sorry? His eyes shut and his face radiated pain as his body tensed up and he began to breathe. "Stop it, Asuka!" He whispered to her. "Don't…"
Asuka kissed him on his neck and he breathed in again as she held him. He kept his eyes shut and felt her lightly caress his cheek and then turned his face to hers.
"I'm sorry." She whispered to him as a tear rolled out of her eye. He opened his eyes and she kissed him gently on the lips.
Shinji breathed in as she kissed him and all he wanted at that point was to hold her and kiss her for hours on end. "Asuka…" he breathed out as he kissed her. He looked back to her and then kissed her again.
"Listen to me, " She said gently in a whisper in between kisses. "Shinji…. I am truly sorry."
She kissed him again and his arms held her as her arms went around him.
"Oh, Asuka…." He held her tight against him with his heart beating wildly, and then as he looked into her face, he kissed her again, holding her against him. "Asuka, I…want to tell you…."
"Shinji…." she whispered as she kissed him again, holding him close.
He kissed her as if he hadn't seen her in years and then he heard her say. "Can we just get past this now? Can we forget about that night and move on?"
Shinji breathed in and he opened his eyes.
He stared into her eyes and then held her back, looking at her with contempt. She tried to hold him but he held her back. His eyes narrowed again and he wanted to push her off of him.
Instead, he sighed angrily as he got up and stood with his back facing away from her, shaking his head, with his arms crossed, trying desperately to control his rage. I could slap her for saying what she just said to me! Damn you, Asuka! You bitch! You manipulative little bitch!
"Shinji?" Asuka asked.
"Don't do that, Asuka!" He told her with hurt in his voice. "Don't give me a fake apology! Don't try to play me for a fool! Get away from me! Just…. go to sleep."
Asuka breathed in as she heard his words, they cut into her like a knife. She backed away from him. She sat down and moved close to the fire. "Why won't you listen to me?" She asked sadly as she stared at the fire.
"Do you honestly have to ask me that? The answer is, I'm not interested in what you have to say!" Shinji snapped.
Asuka breathed out and crossed her arms saying coldly. "Nothing I do is good enough, is it? I try to apologize to you and you don't want to accept it! I am not playing you for a fool, Shinji. I am sorry for how I hurt you!"
"I don't care." He told her as he crossed his arms.
"Shinji, look I'm sorry for the way I treated you but Shinji, we got out of control with each other…. it should never have happened." Asuka told him.
"Stop talking about it, Asuka." Shinji said as he felt his rage start to bubble.
Asuka shook her head and then said. "Maybe I should just leave." Asuka said as she looked up at him. "Would you like that? Would you like me to leave, Shinji? Do you want to be by yourself?"
"Don't try that route!" he growled. "You're trying to manipulate me again! I know you. You're not going anywhere!" Shinji told her.
"The way you're treating me I could walk out on you right now!"
"Liar!" He snapped. "Whether you go or stay it doesn't matter. If you go, you'll be lonely and if you stay, at least you'll have a companion…. and that's all I'll ever allow myself to be to you."
"You don't think I would leave? The way you're treating me right now, I don't want to be anywhere near you!" Asuka growled.
Then as he turned around to her, he said as he narrowed his eyes. "So you decide what you want! You want to go, go. I won't stop you. If you go though, you stay gone. You know what will happen if you do go? You'll get lonely and then you'll want to die. The same thing will happen to me, Asuka. I'll get lonely and want to die. How in the hell will you survive, Asuka, by yourself? Same thing with me! We need each other, Asuka, that's the reality! Realty, we're here. So reality dictates we need each other. Besides, I know you; you're scared to death about being alone! So, leave if that's what you want! Leave and we'll both die! If you stay though, be prepared to deal with the consequences of your actions! Be prepared to realize that some things are not forgivable!"
"I am trying to deal with the consequences of my actions!" Asuka said to him angrily. "I…. I just want you to accept my apology! I want us to get past this! Damnit, Shinji, you're acting like it was the only thing that mattered! Doesn't the fact that we've been together for three years count for anything? Doesn't the fact that we've needed each other to survive matter? Shinji, we've been through life and death with each other. You've saved my life more times then I can count. You've protected me and taken care of me but Shinji…. that night…. we just… Shinji…we just went too far…and that's all…. I just…I…. want…. I'm sorry." Asuka said as she looked up at him.
"I don't want an apology from you!" Shinji yelled out.
"Why?" Asuka asked through a tear-strained voice.
"BECAUSE IT'S AN EMPTY APOLOGY, ASUKA!" Shinji bellowed. "YOU TOLD ME THAT IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU! YOU ONLY CARED ABUOT YOURSELF; YOU DIDN'T THINK HOW IT AFFECTED ME! YOU WANTED TO FORGET THE WHOLE DAMNED THING! FINE! IT'S FORGOTTEN!" Shinji turned his back again, trying to control himself from wanting to sob.
"I never said it didn't mean anything, Shinji!" Asuka yelled out.
"OH NO?" Shinji asked as he sneered and turned to face her. He shook his head at her and felt rage start to pour out of him. "You told me to forget it even happened! You told me you wished it never had happened, that we went too far! You said it was just sexual! You told me we just fooled around and that was it! To me that sounded like you didn't care! To me it sounds like it didn't mean anything to you at all. So any lame apology you can give me is an empty apology!"
"Shinji, damnit, we weren't ready for something like that! I shouldn't have been mean to you I admit that but Shinji…we went too far. So please just let me apologize. Please forgive me." Asuka said sadly.
"Its an empty apology." Shinji growled.
"Empty apology?" Asuka asked as she looked at him. "What does that mean?"
"Exactly the way it sounds." Shinji told her as his voice cracked and he turned his back to her so she couldn't see the tears in his eyes.
Asuka growled and then stood up, walking over to him and crossing her arms. "You explain that one!" she said as she stared at his back.
Shinji turned to face her and then said angrily. "Figure it out for yourself!"
"Listen you fucking idiot, I'm not going to stand here and play games with you!" Asuka growled.
"Games? GAMES! You're telling me that I'm playing games with you? Asuka, you've been playing games with me!" Shinji yelled out. He shook his head at her and then said calmly in a vindictive tone. "Asuka, when it comes to playing games, you're a champion."
"What the fuck…"
"Don't ask me to explain it to you!" Shinji growled out at her as she caught his eyes welling up with tears.
"Shinji…. what?" Asuka said softly as she looked into his face.
"Just…" He said in a weak voice.
Asuka's face softened as she saw the hurt and pain in his face. It made her heart break. "Oh God, Shinji." She whispered. "Shinji, I…"
Then Shinji couldn't hold back any longer. He could feel the pain in his heart was getting to be too much and he didn't want Asuka to see him lose it.
He ran away from her as fast as he could into the darkness of the forest.
"Shinji!" She called out as she ran after him. "Shinji, damnit, what are you doing?" Asuka's eyes widened as she watched him disappear into the forest and then she sank down on to the ground.
She looked to the forest again and yelled out. "SHINJI, COME BACK!"
Chapter 41
Shinji ran deep into the forest, all the while he felt his tears stream down his face, and then leaned up against a tree, with his hand over his eyes.
"SHINJI!" Asuka screamed out from the distance.
He could hear her call to him. He looked over in the direction of her calling for him and then he started to bawl, feeling the pain in his heart and hating fighting with her the way he had.
Shinji didn't care. He didn't want her to see him cry like that. His heart felt so broken and he was so angry with her. He slid down the side of the tree and sat on his behind, with his face in his hands, crying his heart out.
"SHINJI! KNOCK IT OFF YOU IDIOT! COME BACK!" Asuka called out again.
Shinji looked up in her direction again
"Shinji, please come back?"
Shinji had heard her voice crack but still he didn't care. He never had felt any kind of pain like this before.
When he lost his mother, yes, that had been bad. He had been so little yet he knew that his mother was gone.
When his father left him, that hurt too. Gendo Ikari had basically abandoned him for the pursuit of his work.
However, the pain of losing the girl he loved, that was worse. Now she was trying to make up with him and just say, "I'm sorry?" Bullshit.
Shinji shook his head and then he felt the tears come down his face and he cried out loudly as he felt the pain in his heart. It was true that Asuka never had said sorry for anything before.
He couldn't believe she just simply wanted to say "sorry" and have everything be fine. Yet he was too angry with her and too upset with her to accept any type of an apology and it bothered him more then anything.
"Shinji?"
It was cold outside as he sat by the tree and held his face in his hands crying. He hadn't cried much in his life, when his mother died that was one. When his father left that was two, when he saw Asuka lying comatose in the hospital, fearing she would die, that was three and knowing Misato had died to save his life that was four. Now he was crying uncontrollably over his broken heart.
"SHINJI…. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
He wished the cold would eat him alive and take away this pain. He lifted his head and leaned it against the tree, feeling his heart shattered. For the first time in over three years, he felt like the old Shinji Ikari.
Shy. Withdrawn. Unsure. Insecure. Empty. Scared. Alone.
Part of him wanted to die and just leave Asuka alone and the other part wanted to live and hope that someday things could change.
He didn't know what to think, he only knew what he felt which was an agonizing pain in his heart caused by the hurt of a broken heart. Nothing hurt worse then this rejection.
He was also angry with her for what she just had pulled. She thought by kissing him and begging for forgiveness, he would accept that apology? That was a lame attempt as far as he was concerned.
To him, that was another moment of crisis for her and tomorrow she would be a bitch about it. He wouldn't give her the time of day. He would let her know what she had done and hoped it would hurt her as much as it hurt him.
The memory still burned deeply within him. He loved holding her that night and kissing her. That night had been extraordinary. He loved being with her like that. He did things to her that had lived in his fantasies about her. He had tasted passion and experienced ecstasy. He made love to her. It had made him see things differently and more so, it had solidified something for him. He wanted her to know that…he had fallen in love with her.
"Shinji, stop it okay!" Her voice called out from the distance. "It's been two hours! Come back!"
At seventeen years old, almost eighteen, he thought he had it all together. He was almost an adult. He thought the days of wimpy, weak-minded, shy, low self esteem Shinji Ikari were behind him. Now though, he felt like he wanted to die.
In the past three years, Shinji had learned to find the strength and the confidence he needed to survive and in Asuka he had found a deep love.
Trying to survive from day to day, had bought out his strength, confidence and bravery. He had come so far and couldn't remember the person he used to be…. except at this moment, now he felt like he was so alone and unloved. He couldn't feel anything except the cold and the pain in his heart. He truly wished it would just go away.
"Shinji!"
"Asuka." He whispered as he shut his eyes and cried. Tears came down his face as he thought about her.
Shinji had never known for sure in the past if he truly loved Asuka. He had thought he loved her but it had never been allowed to go beyond a certain boundary because of NERV. It was for that reason, NERV, that he kept his growing feelings for Asuka at a distance. He kept it at a distance until he saw her lying comatose in the hospital. Then his heart started to ache and he was so afraid of her dying. Again though, he didn't know for sure if he loved her. He only knew he didn't want to be without her.
Help me, Asuka. Asuka, please! Wake up. Call me an idiot like you always do. Just…. I need you. Please, help me.
He remembered the words he had said to her. He had stayed by her bedside, begging her to wake up, begging her to help him. He wanted her to wake up and call him an idiot. She didn't though.
She didn't snap out of her coma until NERV was attacked. Misato had put Asuka into Unit 2 to keep her safe and then he remembered hearing over Misato's radio. "SHINJI! ASUKA'S ALIVE!"
Asuka?
He remembered when he first heard her voice over the radio saying; As usual that idiot Shinji is nowhere to be found! Where the hell is he anyway?
Suddenly, he had found strength hearing her voice.
Then when he had gotten into Unit 1 and seen Asuka, her EVA unit lying mauled, knowing she was dead, knowing she was gone, knowing he had been too late to save her…he had screamed a horrifying high-pitched scream out of pure grief. His thoughts had rumbled through his head. NOT ASUKA. NOT ASUKA. No, don't take her from me! Asuka, no!
Then after Third Impact, they were together on the beach. He couldn't believe she was real. He didn't know what to believe.
Third Impact had thrown them together.
They relied on another and became companions. They were closer then they had ever been before.
The growing feelings inside both of them had been kept dormant and at bay for so long and then little by little it started to change.
On the night of the storm though it reached a new level.
On that night, he saw she needed him as much as he needed her. He felt his heart give way and felt himself bask in the emotions he had kept to himself for so long. He could feel that she wanted it too and on that night, it had been about more then just sex or lust. Through their passion, he felt like he was one with her. He had remembered once hearing that when someone was truly in love and making love with another person they couldn't tell where they ended and the other person began. It was like that for him.
When he was with her, he felt like they were one with one another. He could feel her underneath him, her hands on his body, and her lips against his own. He remembered the way she looked as she moved underneath him. It had not just been about sex. It had been about love.
"I'm not waiting up anymore!" He heard her yell. "I'm going to bed now! Fuck you, Shinji!"
He couldn't believe though on the night that he totally and completely fell in love with her that she would have broken his heart the morning after.
She had been cruel and crass to him. To him it almost seemed vulgar the way she acted. She made like it didn't matter to her. She had basically informed him that she had succumbed to him in a moment of weakness, which meant nothing to her. Even though he could have sworn it meant more to her than that, she had told him she wanted to forget it ever happened and that it never should have happened. She said it had been a mistake! How could she?
"Shinji? Come back…its four hours now…. where are you?"
That night as he held her and touched her, he had seen something in her, something that he had never seen before. Her eyes had revealed only honesty and truth to him. He saw her love for him. He knew she loved him, he knew it. She couldn't have hid it if she wanted to. It was there. It was so obvious. He felt it in every single touch and every single kiss. He could feel the connection.
"Damn you, Shinji! What are you doing? COME BACKKKKKKKK!"
That night he saw the REAL Asuka. The girl behind the tough façade was a frightened, lonely girl in need of someone like him. She was just like him. They mirrored each other exactly. He had heard it in her voice when she whispered to him for him to kiss her and had seen in her eyes, a longing and a need for him. Why is she running away from loving me? What was so wrong about it?
Now she had told him she just wanted him to forget about it. She wanted him to forget about the night that he fell in love with her? That had been asking way too much of him. It was one of his most precious moments with her ever and now she wanted him to forget it?
Shinji looked up to the sky and shut his eyes. He felt the tears run down his face and he clenched his fists as he felt the pain in his heart.
"Why…are you running away?" he asked her aloud in the darkness of the forest in a low whisper.
Then, he began to bawl.
He buried his face in his hands as he cried and thoughts rumbled through his head. Why do you want to me forget about it? Why don't you want to love me? Why is it at the bar you wanted to know if I loved you? What is so different from the bar to now? Damn you, Asuka! What did I do? Ask me to forget the night I made love you? Tell me I can't tell you that I love you? HOW CAN YOU ASK ME THAT, ASUKA? Bullshit! That was unfair. It was wrong! How could you? Why would she? Damn her to hell! Asuka, you've destroyed me.
Chapter 42
"SHINJI?" Asuka called out in a sobbing voice.
Asuka sat by the campfire and kept looking into the forest, wondering where he was. She had been calling out to him for hours with no response. She could feel the tears come down her face. She picked up his watch and looked at it. It had been a good five hours since he ran into the forest. She was scared and alone, she wondered if he had ran away or been hurt or…. she didn't want to think about it.
She felt like she was so wrong doing what she did. She had underestimated the situation and more so, she had not thought about how it would affect him. Now, she felt like she had miscalculated terribly and the ramification could be unforgivable. Why had she hurt him? She had to make it right…she had to.
As she sat near the fire with the blanket wrapped around her, she heard noises of twigs snapping.
Quickly, she reached for Shinji's large bat and then breathed a sigh of relief, as she saw him come into view. She put the bat down and she wiped her eyes and then watched as he walked over to the other side of the fire, sat down, and leaned against a rock while he poked the fire with a stick.
"Hi." She said as she looked at him.
He looked up at her and poked the fire and then breathed in as he asked her. "Why are you still up?"
"Oh, excuse me. I think I might have been worried about you?" Asuka asked.
"Worried about me?" Shinji asked.
"Uh yeah." Asuka said. "You just ran into the forest! Hello? Don't you think I might have been worried about you?"
"Yeah okay." He said as he yawned.
"Shinji, we need to talk."
"Not tonight we don't." he said as he got up and walked over to his backpack. He went into his backpack and took out the large blanket and then settled down onto his sleeping bag next to the fire.
Asuka looked at him.
She came up with her blanket wrapped around her and then lay next to him. His back was facing her and she simply stared at the back of him.
He sighed angrily and said. "Please sleep on the other side of the fire."
"Its cold tonight, idiot!" Asuka said.
"I don't care." Shinji snapped. "Go sleep over there."
"No." Asuka said. "We should sleep together. Its very cold."
Shinji turned to face her and looked at her with a scowl. "Why can't you just sleep over there?" he asked her.
"I don't want to." She said.
"Why are you doing this to me?" he asked her angrily. "Do you find joy in hurting me? Get away, Asuka!"
"Shinji…." she whispered as she touched his face. He closed his eyes and breathed in as he felt her touch and then turned away from her.
"Shinji, please don't…Shinji, I want to tell you…"
"Enough, Asuka!" Shinji snapped.
Asuka cuddled up close to him and tried to put her arm around him but he turned and looked at her saying angrily. "You can sleep here but don't fucking touch me!"
Asuka saw the look in his eyes and nodded her head.
He turned on his side and tried to ignore her and then shortly, he heard her. Small whimpers. Asuka is crying again.
He hated when she cried like that, it had been a while since she cried like that but now she was crying.
Just as she always did, he felt her move closer to him and as soon as he felt her arm come around him, Shinji got up and grabbed his blanket.
He moved over to the other side of the fire and wrapped the blanket around himself. "Stay where you are, Asuka." He growled. "Don't come near me."
Asuka lay awake on the other side and a tear rolled out of her eye. I went too far. She thought to herself. I hurt him too much. He'll never forgive me for what I've done to him. He won't ever listen to me. Oh my God…I was so afraid of losing my strength. Guess what? I lost it anyway. Why did I do that? Why? He's right. I am a bitch.
Chapter 43
For most of the night, Shinji did not sleep at all. He had been cold and his mind constantly focused on Asuka.
When it finally became morning, he prepared a small breakfast for him and Asuka. He also made some coffee for them both. The morning air was still cold and he feared it would only get colder.
Asuka woke up to the smell of food and coffee. She sat up and he offered a cup of coffee out to her, which she took and then he gave her a plate of food that he had prepared.
"You're up early today." She said as she ate.
Shinji looked at her and nodded. "Yeah, couldn't sleep really."
"Oh?" Asuka asked.
She wondered if it was because he missed her being next to him but his answer to her was.
"Yeah, I had to keep getting up to keep that damn fire going. If I hadn't, we would have frozen to death."
"Oh." Asuka said as she continued to eat.
Shinji then coughed loudly. It sounded like a horrible hacking cough and Asuka looked at him with concern.
"Are you okay?"
Quickly, Shinji nodded his head and said. "Yeah, just went down the wrong pipe."
"Oh." She said. "Are you sure you're feeling okay?"
"I'm fine!" Shinji growled as he coughed again.
"Why are you coughing like that?"
"Just shut up, Asuka." Shinji said as he coughed again.
"Don't snap at me! Shinji, you are getting sick!" Asuka asked.
"NO!" Shinji yelled out. Then he took a breath and said, "After we eat, we'd better get a move on."
He stood up, and then he coughed again and shut his eyes as he held his chest and breathed in and sniffled. He breathed in and then coughed again, this time he almost lost his footing as he went down on one knee.
"Shinji!" Asuka said nervously as she put her plate down and ran over to him. "Shinji…. what the hell…you are getting sick, aren't you?"
"I am not!" He growled.
"Shinji…."
"Stop!" he growled.
"Let me help you." Asuka said as she placed her hand on his back.
"No!" He growled again as he shrugged her off and straightened up. He breathed in and held his chest and then turned to face her.
"You are getting sick!" Asuka yelled. "You should rest up. We need to find shelter! You can't go on being sick like that!" Asuka said.
"I AM NOT SICK!" Shinji yelled out in a raspy voice.
"You look sick!" Asuka said to him.
"I am not…. SICK!" Shinji growled back.
Asuka looked back to him holding back her quick sharp-witted insults and then asked. "Any idea of where to go?" Asuka asked.
"Yeah." Shinji said as he looked straight ahead.
Asuka turned and then saw the mountains. Her eyes widened as she looked back at him.
"Up the mountain? Are you fucking crazy?"
"Its our only chance." He said to her. "If we go up the mountain, we could get to the other side. There might be more on the other side. There's nothing here. We have to risk it. Plus, there are caves in mountains. If it gets bad enough, we can find a cave and use that for shelter."
"Shinji, what about the change in the weather? What if it's snowing up there?"
"We'd have a better chance up there then down here. There would at least be better shelter options. Down here, Asuka, there's nothing and it would take too long to go back to the other town. If it snows down here, we're fucked. We have to risk it."
"How long to reach it?"
"Four days I think…. maybe five." He said as he looked straight ahead.
"You think we should?" Asuka asked. "I'm not too crazy about this idea. You look like your getting sick."
"I'm not sick." He told her.
"Oh really?" She asked. "You look pale and tired. Look at yourself, Shinji. You are coughing and sniffling. You've got a cold and if you don't take care of yourself, you might get worse! Let me feel your forehead."
"Don't touch me!" he yelled out as he coughed again and sniffled. "I'll…. be okay."
"You didn't sleep at all last night, did you?" She asked. "Take some of the pills! If you've got an infection, it can clear it! How the hell can you expect to go on when you're exhausted and sick? We need to find shelter now. You have to nip this in the bud now!"
Shinji sneered and then said. "Well, someone had to keep the damned fire burning last night! I'll sleep. Don't' worry about me! Like you care how I feel anyway! Let's try to find a good shelter tonight and maybe I will be able to as long as I don't have to deal with any more of your bullshit!"
Asuka ignored the insult and instead said calmly. "Shinji, I'm really not crazy about this idea. What if there's a snowstorm up on that mountain?"
"Like I said, we'd have a better chance up there then down here. There are no shelter options down here. At least up there, we have a shot. Down here we'll be dead."
"What about our food situation?" Asuka asked. "What if we run out of rations?"
"Well, we'll have to hunt now, won't we?"
"Hunt?" Asuka asked.
"Or, would you rather starve to death?" Shinji asked.
"I do not have a good feeling about going up that mountain. Shinji, we should stay down here and build a shelter down here."
"What supplies do we have, Asuka?" Shinji asked.
"I know but…. we wouldn't be stuck on a mountain!"
"Asuka, it would take too long to go around the mountain range. We have to go over it. It would cut down on time and besides, I have a feeling that over there…. there's more for us."
"How do you know that? These feelings you have…. was it the same feeling when we left the bar, Shinji?"
"Don't start." He told her. "There is a better chance on that mountain then there is down here. The weather is getting colder and if we don't do something quick, we will die. Do you want to die, Asuka?"
:"No." Asuka said as she looked at him.
"Then we do it my way from now on!" Shinji growled.
"Oh, I see." Asuka said as she crossed her arms and looked at him. "You all of a sudden have become the leader, is that it? The Big Bad Man takes control? Big Man my ass!"
"I am telling you that down here the weather is getting colder and if it snows down here, we have no shelter at all! There's nothing down here! We'll die, Asuka. We'll freeze to death and die! Up there we have a chance for life. We have a chance to get to the other side!"
"What if there's nothing on the other side, Shinji? When then?"
"Then we deal." Shinji said to her. "I don't think that's the case though. I just…. I don't know…. I have a feeling that there is something on the other side. I can't explain it. I feel like we have to go there."
"Oh, you mean the same way you felt when we left the bar…"
"DON'T YOU GIVE ME ANY MORE SHIT ABOUT THAT!" He yelled as he pointed at her. "I am tired of hearing about the fucking bar! Shut up about it all ready! We are going up that mountain! I am going up the mountain! What you do is up to you!"
"You're out of your fucking mind!" Asuka growled.
"What do you want us to do?" Shinji yelled.
"I don't know!" Asuka barked.
"If we stay here, we're dead." Shinji said as he coughed and covered his mouth with his hand.
"If we go up that mountain we'll be dead!" Asuka said nervously as she looked at him. "Do you honestly think there's something on the other side?"
"There HAS to be." He told her.
"What if there isn't and it's just as barren and empty?"
"Then, we do what we have to do to stay alive." Shinji told her. "I don't think that's the case though. Asuka, I feel like there's something waiting for us over there"
"Yeah?" Asuka asked.
"Yeah. Something is calling for us to go there. I can't explain it. I just felt that way since the day I saw the mountain range."
"Are you sure Death isn't calling to you?" Asuka asked.
"Very funny." Shinji told her.
"So four to five days to reach it?" Asuka asked as she looked over.
"Yeah."
"How can you think about going up a mountain with no winter jacket? You'll freeze to death! You're getting sick as it is!" Asuka protested.
"I am not getting sick!"
"Liar!"
"Watch who you call a liar, Asuka." Shinji told her with contempt in his voice.
"What if I say I wont' go?" Asuka asked as she crossed her arms and looked at him.
"Then, I'll leave you here." Shinji told her.
"You'd leave me here?" Asuka asked.
"I…" He looked at her and then couldn't answer and Asuka smirked.
"No, you wouldn't. You talk a tough game but you wouldn't leave me alone. I know you too well. Remember, where you go, I go. That's the way it's been."
"Asuka, stop it! Okay?" Shinji asked.
"What are you hoping for, Shinji? What is so important about going over that damned mountain?"
"I told you all ready how I felt about it." He said to her.
"Yeah and I told you how I felt about it!" Asuka growled. "Going up that mountain is suicidal"
"No, Asuka, if we stay here that's really being suicidal." He told her as he sat down by the fire and poked at the fire with a stick. "Asuka, we would not be able to venture further out without going around the mountain range. That could take months. I doubt there are any deserted towns or forests here. We're in the middle of the wilderness and going over that mountain, might be the only thing we can do. If we continue to wander in the wilderness, we'll run out of food. We'd eventually have to stop and find shelter and we don't know what is out here. Asuka, this is our best shot and we have to take it."
"Well, looks like we have no choice…do we, Shinji?" Asuka asked.
Shinji only looked at her and covered his mouth while he coughed.
Asuka looked over at him, sitting down beside him and then said softly. "Do you think we could talk about maybe…what's been going on between us lately? We need to talk about this. We need to find some way to fix this."
Shinji sighed angrily and rolled his eyes as he stood up. "I am going to say one thing and one thing only." He told her as he crossed his arms, looking down at her. "I will be okay. I will be okay as long as it is never spoken of again. I no longer wish to discuss the evening you chose to forget about. As far as I am concerned, it never existed! Okay? You got your wish. It never happened, Asuka. It was a figment of your imagination. It was all a dream, or as you would like to recall it as, a nightmare. So just like all bad dreams, let's forget about this one, okay? As long as it never existed, we never did what we did with each other. We never became more then what we are. In fact, let's also forget about the bar…. let's forget about the first time we kissed. Let's forget all of it and just be like brother and sister for the rest of our lives."
Asuka breathed in as she heard his voice. "Shinji…"
"Oh and …it will never happen again! Never again, Asuka!" Shinji growled as she looked at her. "Okay? Never. From now on, we're just like brother and sister, okay? I don't want you to touch me, or kiss me, or hold me. I don't want to sleep with you and I especially don't want to know your spying on me while I'm bathing."
"I never…" Asuka growled out as she stood up with her hands in fists at her sides.
"You're a fucking liar." He told her.
Asuka sighed angrily. She knew he was right but it still irritated her. "Shinji, look…."
Shinji held back pain in his heart as he spoke and looked at her. "I don't want to know about how you feel. I don't want to even have you attempt to cuddle with me at night. I want none of it! There will never be another sexual episode between us again! Just like you are resisting feeling what I know what you feel, I will never feel the same way about you! I will force myself to forget it entirely."
Asuka breathed in as she heard him and softly she said. "Shinji, don't you realize why it was a mistake? It was because we weren't ready yet! Shinji, we're too young right now…. but later…Shinji, we're the only man and woman left on Earth!" Asuka said.
"We were too young?" Shinji sneered. "Uh…excuse me but a few months ago, when you found that condom at the bar you were ready to jump my bones! You gladly would have had sex then! If I hadn't stopped, you would have fucked my brains out! Don't tell me then you would have said no! No, you would have let me do it to you over and over again and you know what, you would have been more then content with it just being a physical act. I wasn't content with that. You may be fine with hiding away in yourself and protecting yourself from whatever you feel but I'm not! You may have been the one who was more then happy to have it be just another game to you, just a sexual thing, but I wasn't! Now because one night it actually was emotional and not physical; because it involved you revealing your heart; all of a sudden you think it was because we were too young? Asuka, I can't believe you!" Shinji yelled out.
Asuka breathed in and then he continued as he raised his voice and she heard it crack as he yelled.
"I know it meant more to you. I know it scared the hell out of you when you realized what it was. That night you and me made love to each other and you wanted to forget about it? Guess what, Asuka, poof, it never existed! So, you know what… I don't care if we are the only man and woman left! What does it matter? I don't ever want to be like that with you again! From now on, consider us PLUTONIC!"
"Shinji, your crazy! When we're older we might…"
"NO! Never!" Shinji growled out. "We won't. The human race will die of extinction, Asuka. The human race will disappear from the face of Earth just like the dinosaurs and in my dying memoirs, I will write: the human race died because Asuka is a bitch! Be prepared for a plutonic, celibate lifestyle because I never want to be close to you again. NEVER! We'll become adults and we'll live in a shallow, empty, plutonic lifestyle. We'll grow old and we'll never be like that again. No matter how bad you may want it, I will never give into you because you feel nothing!"
"I see." Asuka said.
"I can't believe you would think that I would ever want to fuck you after what you did to me!" he growled out.
Asuka breathed in as she looked at him and stood up. "That I would want to what?" She growled out as she narrowed her eyes and then in a voice filled with sarcasm she said. "I would think…." She said as she breathed in. "…. That it would have sucked anyway!"
"Sucked?" Shinji sneered. "You think it would have sucked? Oh there's a lie right there! I didn't hear you complaining that night! As far as I could tell it was…. oh, yes, yes, Shinji, my God!" he mimicked with a sneer. "Oh, God, Shinji, oh yes, don't stop! Mmmmmm…. ohhhhhhh!" He said with a smirk as he crossed his arms. "I think it was something like that and of course, yes, yes, YES about a million times over! Actually, I lost count about how many yes's there were. I think every time you breathed in, you breathed out the word YES! However, as for the rest, you'll never know now, will you? I think my hand could pleasure me more then you could." Shinji told her as he crossed his arms and smirked.
Asuka sneered and chuckled as she looked up at him. "As I recall you were the one screaming out ASUKKKAAAAAAAA! And what other things, were there? Oh yeah, how could I forget?" Asuka smirked and then said in a deep voice. "Oh, baby! That's so good! Oh! Oh! Asukaaaaaaaa, you're amazing!" Asuka chuckled and then said sarcastically. "But now I suppose your hand would be the only thing to pleasure you since the size of your dick would hardly suit me at all!"
"You couldn't handle something that big!" Shinji snickered.
Asuka walked over to him and stared into his face. "You don't know the first thing about turning me on!"
He smirked at her and chuckled and then said, as he practically stuck his face into her own in a sarcastic voice. "I find trees that are more appealing then you. You're just like dead wood. You have no feeling at all." Then he stood there grinning at her, staring into her eyes.
Asuka again breathed in as she looked at him nose-to-nose, and felt she wanted to slap him hard across the face, the other part of her wanted to kiss him. "Get your shit together, Ikari! We're leaving."
"Fine." Shinji told her as he walked past her.
Chapter 44
For the next four days, Shinji and Asuka acted like basically strangers. He did his best to ignore her and she tried not to irk him. At night they never spoke and didn't sleep near one another.
Asuka had felt that she had made the worst mistake ever by doing what she had done and Shinji felt more alone then he ever had before.
He began to question his own judgment about going up the mountain, wondering if perhaps he was subconsciously leading them to a suicidal end, then he knew the answer…. it was because he felt something was there for them, something they had to find.
He hated the fact he couldn't be close to Asuka, especially when he heard her cry at night, all he wanted to do was take her into his arms and hold her, but he would banish that thought when he thought of the pain she caused him. Asuka is a bitch and will always be a bitch; you don't want a bitch, Ikari.
Yet at night, he couldn't help to focus on her while she slept. I'm crazy to think I wouldn't want to be with her. Of course I do. I want to be with her forever. How long is this going to last for? Why is this happening to us? Why can't she just admit to me that she loves me? That's all I want. If she said that, everything would be forgiven, everything. She won't though. She's too stubborn, too strong willed; it's the German in her. Asuka wont give an inch. I've lost her.
Asuka too felt the thoughts flood her brain. He is getting worse everyday. He is getting sick and he wouldn't admit it. He's so determined about going about that mountain. How can he think that? I hear his coughing getting worse all the time. He's getting sick. Why won't he stop just for a bit? He'll die if he's not careful. He also hates me. He wont' speak to me; he won't let me near him. Do I blame him though? No. I hurt him badly. I was so afraid of losing my strength if I admitted to loving him but now, I feel so weak about losing him. I was wrong. My strength may be the only thing is this world I have left but my strength comes from him and without him, I have nothing. I was so dumb. I've lost my strength because I've lost him.
Asuka closed her eyes and tried to sleep only to be woken up shortly after by horrible hacking coughing sounds.She turned onto her side and then she saw him.
Shinji was over by the fire, shivering, coughing, and looking very tired and pale. At that point, she wanted to get up, run over to him, throw her arms around him, scream at him that she loved him and then want to just take care of him. She hated seeing him get sick but more so, she hated that he was denying he was getting sicker.
It scared her to see him get so sick and then at the thought of going up the mountain? That was a thought that frightened her even more. Damn you, Shinji, she thought as she looked at him, you're getting sick. You need to rest. You need to stop pushing yourself. I swear tomorrow you will not go up that mountain if you're like this. I am not going to let you get sick and die. I refuse to. I swear, Shinji, somehow I'll make this right. I don't know how but I will. I think its time I told you how I felt. Maybe if I was finally honest, you'd believe in me again. Maybe if you knew the truth, you'd be able to understand why I was an asshole and a bitch. Oh, Shinji, I am so sorry for what I've done. I am such a fool. A brazen stupid bitch just like you said I was. Look at me now, the tough unstoppable German firecracker otherwise known as Asuka Langley Soruyu. Tough, my ass! My heart feels like its been shattered. I feel so weak and lonely. I hate this. I need him. I can't lose you, Shinji. You're my heart. I can't take this anymore…. I have to make this right. I have to!
She watched as he coughed and then clutched his chest, he looked over at her and saw she was awake.
She breathed in as he looked at her.
Asuka sat up and looked at him with a tear in her eye. "Shinji," she said softly as she looked at him. ", Would you come over please and sit with me? I need to talk to you. There's something I have to say."
"No bullshit tonight, Asuka." Shinji snapped as he looked at her. "Go back to sleep."
"Please, Shinji." Asuka said as she looked at him. ", I really need to talk to you. I want to tell you something. I have to tell you something."
"NO!" he growled. "GO BACK TO SLEEP!"
Then, he coughed again and got up. He walked away from her, holding his chest.
Asuka nodded her head and then laid back down, she started to cry. It's over. It's done. I've lost him! I'm such a weak-minded stupid fool!
This time though instead of having Shinji to cuddle up to, she cried all night, and cried alone.
He stayed outside of the campfire, trying to ignore her crying, but he couldn't. It went right through him and it made his heart ache. He felt the cold bite right through his pullover. He came back to the campfire and sat as close as he could to the fire. He was poking the fire with a stick and shivering, he felt so lousy.
He kept coughing and then as he looked at Asuka, he felt a pain like no other in the center of his chest. This fucking sucks. He thought to himself as he looked at her. He tried to settle close to the fire and get some rest. He couldn't though, his mind focused on wanting to be close to Asuka and his heart ached over her. Maybe I shouldn't have cut her off so quickly before. Maybe she wanted to tell me something important to her, and I wouldn't listen. It was probably another attempt at an apology. Bah! I don't want an apology. I just want to know if you love me. I know you do. Just tell me for God's sake. If you say that, everything's okay again, I swear it but you won't. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you don't love me. Maybe…. you're right. You don't love me. You never did. I need to accept that. I've lost you. It's over. It's done.
(Edited for The fight between Shinji and Asuka had a lot more references that I felt were a little too descript for They were taken out. After Impact Uncut will be available through the author's website.)