Warning: Senseless angst. First Full Metal Fic.
Who Am I?
State Dog. State Alchemist. Fullmetal Alchemist. A genius, an idiot, a liar, a killer, a cheater, a brother, and a pawn in some sick game- All at the same time. The more I think about it, the less and less I understand my life. How do you go from a normal, happy kid with a whole family to someone living out your life with automail limbs and a brother you failed to take care of? I know what I said, that I would take care of him and that we would find our way out of this...
Sometimes I feel myself looking back. Back to when I was nothing more than a brother, older and yet shorter, and when the only thing people called me was Edward Elric, or Ed. Back in those times, my idenity was simple. I was a child who knew alchemy from reading, but I had a mother who loved me and could care of me even if I didn't have much of a father. I had a life most would have longed to have.
And because I was an idiot, I let it fall to peices. Mother died, and, no matter what I did, I wanted her back badly enough to almost kill my little brother in a transmutation. I almost didn't want to give up a part of myself for him- I was already damaged enough, but the part of me that was still the loving brother, the loving Edward Elric, made sure that he survived.
I don't understand why I bother looking back. We have nothing to look back to, not now, anyway. The ashes of our home have long since scattered, shattered, much like the lives that had gone on between those four walls, but I couldn't let it go. I still can't let it go.
I can't even fend for myself. I'm stuck serving the military, doing work I don't want to do, all because I care so much about Al that I want him to have his body back: I once said I would do it no matter what the cost.
And now I'm fighting to find a way to avoid doing the thing I hate, to avoid killing. Edward Elric is still in me, and he's too soft to want to sacrife someone else for himself- But in this he's doing nothing but hurting me, the blantent, cold Fullmetal he's become, and hurting his own chances at living his life as anything but metal.
No matter how many times I go over it, though, the hopelessness of our situation, I find myself thinking that there has to be another way around this. I refuse to sacrife another life for my own. However, if it should come down to the point where Al could use the stone to become himself again...
I could always use my life. The life of a liar, a cheater, a theif, a state dog, a state Alchemist, and a life that is a lie.
Because no matter how many times I say things to myself, remind myself of who I am now, I can't let go of the part of me that was Edward Elric.
I ask myself over and over who I really am, but only one answer comes to mind, and that is that I am a brother.
I am a brother named Edward Elric.
But if Edward's gone, then who does that leave me?
Who am I?