Hello! Yay! Another one shot from the mind of Cordy! This story is sooooooo AU but hopefully very funny! This fic was originally the beginning for another story I'm currently working on but it didn't fit so I turned it into a little one shot. Although I hope you enjoy I doubt this story will be a major hit as it is more of my kinda humour. If you do like the story – leave a signed review so I can contact you as we would have a lot in common!
Thank you for everyone, who reviewed 'filthy', you really gave me the confidence to keep on writing. If you haven't read filthy please do and REVIEW!
Before I begin I feel I must give a word of caution to all hardcore Harry Potter fans. (Cordy now gives serious look). As we all know the new Harry Potter book will be out shortly (jumps up in excitement) and we will all be emerged into the wonderful world of JK. However all Harry/Hermione shippers, I don't want you to do anything rash when it is Ron and Hemione that get together (they soooooooo will!) As for you conspirators that believe Dumbledore is going to die….. I want you to come back to this site and read these words…HA HA HA! YOU WERE SO WRONG! Ah I love pre Harry Potter tension! It brings out the bitch in me! Anyway enjoy the story and review! I was confused when I got over 100 hits for filthy but only eight reviews! Review even if it's bad, or you don't have anything to say just acknowledge your presence to the mighty Cordy!
Ron and Hermione 4 eva!
Love it, Kiss it, Spank it!
Blue Suede StilettosThe rain beat against the ancient walls of Voldy Manor. Inside a circle of people was developing, dressed in black robes and talking happily in high cackling voices. They were waiting for something, and by the looks of their excited stance, something big, very big. In an instant a man, with the eyes of a snake emerged from downstairs and pulled open the huge oak doors that were separating him from the company. He stood in the archway of the great doors, a tower of terror to his onlookers who edged back from him slightly fearful.
The man looked expressionless onwards to each of his companions and gestured them to sit.
'So,' he began quietly 'the number of muggle killings has increased by 20 percent. Thanks to Draco spying on that pathetic Potter boy in that shed of a school….'
Suddenly a wheezy sounding man interrupted, 'Oh bravo master! Alliteration very good! It just boosts your prestige as the Lord of Darkness!
The man turned sharply to look at him and made his way over to where he sat and towered over him, like a lion ready to pounce. 'You really think so?' he squeaked hopefully, 'I thought it might, well as you know I have grown rather fond of Roald Dahl recently and noticed he used it to great effect and so I considered…' he noticed the people around him were loosing focus and abruptly went back to the point. 'As I was saying, thanks to Draco we now know everything that boy gets up to and lastly the Daily prophet has really gone to town on us this time! They have instilled my name into the hearts and minds of wizards everywhere – oh won't they just cower before me! And Knott they've done a fetching piece on you to! So I am happy! You have served me well my darling Death Eaters – the web of evil we have spun is spreading!' Voldemort's speech was met with an enthusiastic air of approval from the Death Eaters but was struck down by the look Voldemort had now given his minions – they could tell he was angry about something.
'Yes I am happy…' The Dark Lord said sinisterly, 'If it wasn't for a teensy bit of information that has been brought to my attention in an article in The Quibbler. Do any of you know what it says?' Voldemort glanced around the faces as they exchanged worried looks. 'No?' He continued calmly playing a game with those around him. How about you Goyle?'
Goyle looked into his masters eyes and saw the glint that all death eaters dreaded. Now he knew that he was going to be punished, the only thing now would be to confess, and hopefully prolong the time until he would be met with excruciating pain. He took a deep breath and starting to explain his most heinous crime. 'Master! Forgive me! I don't why I said it! It just slipped out! I was mingling with ministry officials, trying to get some information and they made a joke about – well – I can't remember what. And so to keep up pretences I made a remark and it got out of hand – and before I knew it the information had fallen into the hands of that twit of an editor! And I'm so sorry,' he ended in a defeated tone.
'Sorry about what?' Voldemort asked in his stone cold voice.
'Great!' Goyle thought. 'It's not enough that he is going to punish me beyond belief but now I have to tell my comrades about what I have done? They're going to hate me!' One look into Voldemorts face and Goyle knew that he would have to tell them exactly what he had let slip. ' I, I …'
Lucius put in arm on Goyle's shoulder encouragingly, 'Come on Goyle tell us'.
'Ok. I accidentally let it slip that… ' Goyle took a huge breath and rushed the last part of his sentence in some way hoping that the death eaters wouldn't catch what he was saying …'Death Eaters wear stilettos!'
This revelation was met with a huge gasp from all. Lucius removed his hand from Goyle's shoulder in disgust. It was Goyle that was now the focus of everyone's attention, the Dark Lord was leaning the wall clearly enjoying Goyle's discomfort.
'How could you Goyle?' Knott protested. 'You know that was a secret amongst us! How is the public going to react to us now! How are we gonna be the most feared men in Britain now that's out?'
This was met with general agreement form the others as they slowly turned on their friend. While most were angry, some were embarrassed. – 'You now I only wear stilettos because they give me more height to look more threatening. Don't You? DON'T YOU?' Crabbe said this in a heightened sense of panic. It was lucky he had because the death eaters who had turned into an angry mob were simmering down and seeing the funny side.
'Oh right!' Lucius chortled happily. 'No the fact you wear stilettos Crabbe has nothing at all to do with the fact that you feel sexy when you walk in them!' This was met with tumultuous laughter and Crabbe began to flush. Lucius continued 'Like a glamour model he told me! OOH!' Lucius exclaimed suddenly 'talking of sexy…' he lifted up his leg to reveal a shiny leg, hair free. 'That new beauty shop in Knockturn Alley does great wax work –I feel as smooth as George Michael's butt!'
Voldemort walked back into the centre of the Death Eaters noticing the attention was not on him. The atmosphere now turned back to dread none more so that Goyle. Goyle braced himself for he worst… but the pain never came.
'Not today Goyle,' Voldemort said briskly. 'You are not the only one to have ever had a momentary lack of judgement'. He coughed to hide the unsubtle name of Lucius. The death eaters tried to conceive their giggles as Lucius looked to the floor guiltily
muttering his excuse, 'How was I supposed to now that a Daily Prophet reporter was in the Three Broomsticks when I was discussing thongs with Knott?'
Voldemort, angry, chose to let this remark slide and spoke cheerily, 'Like I said, I'm happy, so there will be no tortures tonight. And so why have I called you here you may be wondering? – If there are no tortures or deaths to give out to you? (The Death Eaters flinched) Well we've been working so hard lately and I don't know about you but my skin simply cannot take the stress! And so, I have a little treat for you all- some of you may be disappointed by the lack of maiming on offer but I'm sure you will enjoy.'
'Master what is it?' Lucius asked curiously
'I have made a deal with the devil!' Voldemort claimed triumphantly. 'I shall go and collect this deal and be back shortly'. This news received a great deal of ooohs from the Death Eaters as they thought how powerful their Lord truly was – to make a deal with the devil? That truly was great. They began to wonder what the deal could be…
'Eternal youth!' Crabbe exclaimed
Eternal beauty!' Avery suggested excitedly
Lucius began to get irritated by the stupidity of his comrades, it was obvious what this special gift was going to be as he had stayed up late with his master many a times discussing their dream gifts. For Voldemort it was world persecution and for Lucius it was…. 'No! No! No!', he barked. 'You're all wrong it's obviously going to be a free shopping spree at Macy's!'
(cue scary Lord of the Rings voice) But they were all of them deceived.
The Death Eaters waited eagerly their focus now on the stage that has been conjured. The lights in the room went out which heightened the Death Eater's sense of excitement. Smoke started billowing from the stage here Voldemort had now appeared, a silhouette against the smoke. But he was not Alone. A second figure appeared by his side, the Death Eaters were now so worked they were craning to get a better look at this mystery figure.
And Then, Voldemort's voice boomed across the hall. ' Gentlemen who kill Ladies! It is my pleasure to give to you, for one night only, right from the inner chasms of hell…. Elvis Presley!'
The lights went up to reveal the King in all his glory – a white suit with sequins. The Death Eaters rushed forward and started to scream. Voldemort stood back not wanting to show his true feelings – he was a leader and couldn't be seen to partake in such activities.
The Music roared and Elvis began to sing ….'But don't you step on my Blue Suede Shoes! You can Do anything but lay off my Blue Suede Shoes!'
The Celebrity was too much for Avery and he fainted with an ecstatic smile, the Death Eaters were too wrapped up in their dancing to notice. ' Shake that Butt!' Pettigrew yelled.
Lucius, getting carried away, reached up his robes. The next minute, a bright pink thong was catapulted onto the stage (you do the math). Elvis picked it up and swung it round his head which was met with love sick puppy dog eyes by the Death Eaters.
Voldemort watched the scene, tapping his feet to the most excellent music. 'Screw leadership', he thought and ran to join the Death Eaters where he did the swim and mash potato with Knott… he was happy (and slightly gay). The Death Eaters danced hard into the night, with the groovy songs Elvis, each song made them more hysterical – like a group of mad fans.
500 miles away, Harry Potter awoke with a start. His scar throbbing painfully.
'What is it?' Ron asked groggily.
'It's my scar,' Harry said fearfully. 'Voldemort must have done something really terrible cos he's happy Ron, really happy.
'You don' think he's killed again?' Ron's fear was mounting.
'Absolutely. What else could make him so happy?'
Hmmm, what indeed Mr Potter?