She took a long breath before taking the last sip of hot lemon tea. More than soothing her vocals, it calmed her nerves as well. And she needed it. The butterflies were always there right before any performance. She had been a successful musician for almost seven years but every time she took to a stage, she still felt the anxiety and fear of an insecure rookie.
"Two minutes, Ms. James", the director's assistant whispered in her ear.
"Thanks", she nodded.
Her heart pounded as she walked onto the darkened set and took her familiar place behind the piano. Her band members smiled and winked at her, letting her know they were ready. Immediately she felt at ease. The two guitarists, drummer and back up singers had been with her for the duration. That was just the kind of girl Haley was. She was loyal. The same folks that had begun that magical musical journey with her years before were the same ones who had remained with her during her success.
It certainly wasn't the biggest stage she had ever performed on yet it was just as important. It was the season finale of Saturday Night Live. Of all the musical acts that could have been asked to perform, Haley James had been chosen. It was an honor and a privilege.
"Ladies and gentleman…Haley James."
The live audience cheered and the spotlight fell upon her. Her hands found the keys and she began to play with ease. It was an original song she had written years and years before but had just released on her third album.
It's October again,
Leaves are coming down,
One more year's come and… gone,
And nothing's changed at all,
Wasn't I,
Supposed to be someone
She was familiar with the song, being that she had composed the lyrics and music but it was something about the way it made her feel. Now matter how many times she had to sing it, no matter where she was, it took her back to a moment in time. A different era of her life back when she was someone else.
Let me feel,
I don't care if I break down,
Let me fall,
Even if I hit the ground,
So often when she played, she kept her eyes closed. It was habit. It was because she was feeling the power of the music. At first, the critics had slammed her for it. Then they relaxed a little bit when they came to recognize and respect that she was truly gifted. At 17, opening her second tour with the release of a freshman album, the shy, pretty girl with the contagious smile and the dark auburn hair, was a real talent. She wasn't about the Britney Spears flashy vocals, or the oversexed look of Christina Aguilera or the commercial ditziness of Jessica Simpson. She was simply Haley. A nice girl from a small town with a big voice. For Haley, it was and always would be about the music.
And if I,
Cry a little,
Die a little,
At least I know I lived,
Haley opened her eyes. Because of the lighting it was hard to see into the crowd but a man seated in the far left corner caught her eye. He was a mere stranger, a fan who had just come to enjoy the show. She had never seen him before but his eyes…his eyes were haunting. There was just something about blue eyes. Their piercing iciness went all over her.
Sometimes on stage or on a plane or at a restaurant or even in the comfort and privacy of her own loft apartment, she would swear those eyes were staring at her. She could feel them and it would cause her pulse to quicken. Sometimes it really was like he was there but of course he wasn't.
She hadn't seen him in years. Of course she had seen his beautiful face on magazine covers and in newspapers and all over television but she hadn't seen him face to face since that night. That night. God, she remembered it like it was yesterday.
Just a little
I've become much too good,
At being invincible,
I'm an expert,
I play it safe and keep it cool
But I swear,
This isn't who I'm meant to be,
I refuse to let my life roll over me,
She'd had a dream. From the time she was a cute little tyke hamming it up with a hairbrush for a microphone in her parents' bathroom mirror, Haley James had had a dream. She had the voice but there was little else. Opportunity wasn't much in Tree Hill, North Carolina and she was too shy, too self conscious to sing for anyone other than her family and best friend, Lucas Scott.
Then her world had been turned upside down. She had began tutoring Lucas' brother. The rich, snobby, cocky, sinister brother who enjoyed torturing her friend. She had done it to protect Lucas but two things happened no one ever could have imagined. The brothers developed a friendship and bond…and Haley fell in love.
What is better or more liberating than young love? And she adored him with all her heart and soul. She loved his laugh and the way he smiled when he answered a math problem correctly. She loved to watch him play basketball and she loved walking down the halls of high school on his arm. She loved the way he let her in like he did no one else. Yes, she loved him. She loved him enough to be impulsive and totally out of character and actually tattoo his jersey number across her lower back. Maybe it wasn't the wisest move but she didn't care. Logic was irrelevant. She was in love and even if it didn't last a lifetime, if in 20 years she could look in the mirror and see the number 23, maybe it would remind her of that euphoric feeling she had felt at age 16.
He loved her, too. He loved her enough to propose to her when they were still high school juniors. He was emancipated from his parents, living alone in an apartment that he struggled to pay the rent for. Once the shock wore off, she realized that she wanted to be his wife so they had asked her parents for permission, to sign the release allowing a 16 year old girl to wed legally. Any other parents would have laughed, cried, or slapped the hell out of their kids but not Jim and Lydia James. They were weird souls, two former flower children who loved each other and just believed in the power of love itself. They had raised six kids together and trusted the judgement and opinions of every one of them. Well, every one except Taylor but that was a different story.
Let me feel,
I don't care if I break down,
Let me fall,
Even if I hit the ground,
And if I,
Cry a little,
Die a little,
At least I know I've lived
Just a little,
Gosh, she remembered that day like it was yesterday. She got up, studied for an Algebra quiz, had oatmeal and orange juice for breakfast, then drove to Wrightsville Beach with her parents so she could get married. Haley was a wife before she was a high school senior.
It had been great at first. It was fun. Her husband was the first person she had sang for outside of Lucas, her mother and father, and brothers and sisters. He loved her voice. He believed in her. He encouraged her to pursue it. He even took extra shifts at his job to buy her a keyboard so she could compose at home. And when Lucas' mother, Karen, Haley's café boss and own surrogate mom opened up an all ages club, it was her husband who arranged to have her sing in front of her first audience.
They loved her. They cheered for her. They wanted more. And then she had met Chris. A skinny, arrogant kid with a guitar always strapped on his back and a smirk always plastered to his face. Chris Keller believed in Haley's talent, too. He wasn't always exactly nice about it but he helped. After years of a dead end job in a local music store and playing on the underground circuit, he had made a few connections here and there.
Together they wrote songs and played sets and worked on the music. He helped her with her range and vocals and writing. He gave her confidence. He booked a few shows for her. He was her friend. Then he wanted more. Much more. Flirty comments, not so subtle touches that led to a forbidden kiss. A kiss that she briefly returned. A kiss she regretted instantly. A kiss that didn't stop the working relationship.
It was the beginning of the end for her marriage. Her husband yelled at her, pleaded with her, cried to her, tried to reason with her and convince her that she didn't need Chris. Chris was coming between them but Haley didn't see it that way. Her heart was with her husband but it was with the music too. And she connected with Chris in a way that she could never connect with Nathan.
When Chris left town for a New York showcase, life returned to normal. Too normal. When he left it was as if her dreams went along with him. Then the spark was reignited when The Wreckers came to perform at Tric. Their surprise opening act was Chris Keller. Haley would never forget the way she felt that night when they sang. She wanted to be a part of that world more than anything. Maybe she was only good enough for Friday nights at Tric…or maybe she was worth more. Maybe she could be a real singer. She had to find out and Michelle Branch gave her that opportunity.
I wanna be somebody,
Who can face the things that I've been running from
Let me feel,
I don't care if I break down
She could go on a national tour. Chances like that didn't come along too often. And haley wanted bad. She wanted it for herself. But her husband didn't understand. He told her if she left, they were done. It was the cruellest of ultimatums but she left. She didn't choose Chris or even the music over Nathan. She simply made a choice for herself.
The fans loved her, the record companies loved her, critics loved her, and fellow musicians loved her. It happened so fast. Two opening tours, an album, a chance to headline her own tour. She went from playing clubs to arenas to stadiums. Then came the second album. Her life was busy and it should have been a happy time. But her husband was gone. The Scott marriage was broken beyond repair and what good was the fame and success if she couldn't share it with him?
In his heart, he felt abandoned and betrayed. He thought she had chosen Chris over him. But Chris was never a factor. He had continued to try to be with her, a few times he'd even tried to take her to bed but in all the years, Haley never let it get that far. He was nothing more than a musical mentor and they had remained friends over time. She wasn't interested in Chris and as far as she was concerned, she was still Nathan's wife…even when the annulment papers arrived.
He wanted to erase their union completely, pretend it never happened. It killed her inside but she knew she had to let him go. He was already gone anyway. There was nothing left to save. So she signed them and they were over. Done. Just like that. And all of a sudden the beautiful, talented, popular, multi platinum recording artist was alone. Her siblings were scattered about the country busty with their own lives. Her wacky parents were cruising about in their motor home, experiencing one adventure after another. And New York City was a far cry from Tree Hill.
She left without saying good bye to anyone. The decision would forever haunt her. They never forgave her for that. Over the years she had lost touch with Brooke Davis completely. She and Peyton Sawyer e-mailed and phone chatted a few times a year but the most devastating loss, next to Nathan had been Lucas. Her whole life he had been her rock and support but blood was truly thicker than water. Lucas would never admit it, but he had taken Nathan's side. He and Haley hadn't talked in ages and she hadn't seen him in over three years, not since that awkward meeting they'd had when he came to one of her Raleigh concerts.
The song was almost over. It was funny how those blue eyes made so many memories come flooding back.
Even if I hit the ground,
And if I,
Cry a little,
Die a little,
At least I know I lived…
It's October again,
Leaves are coming down,
One more year's come and gone,
And nothing's changed at all.
As usual, the audience applauded.
"Thank you very much", she said into the mic.
The show went to commercial and Haley headed to the back, relieved and satisfied, yet exhausted.
"Nice work, James."
"Glad to have your approval", she grinned.
"I said it was nice, not grand or anything. But you've come a long way and I have no problem taking full credit for that. You can repay me by taking me out for a late dinner. Show is over in 20 minutes. What do you say?"
"What do you think I say?" she smiled. "You're all charm. I'll pick up the tab but the next one is on you, Keller."