A/N: Here is my first shot at a character POV fic. Tell me what you think. I think after a little while you'll figure out who it is, but just in case, it's Jay. I hope you guys like it, please R/R. I know that there aren't complete sentences, but I just put how I figure he's thinking this out, and sometimes when I think I don't think in complete sentences. I might do another one…I don't know yet.
Shoosh….shoosh…the ceiling fan spun around and around, in just this unending circle. I know that they have always done that, it's nothing new, but staring up at my ceiling, I find myself somewhat entertained by it. Some of that might also be a side effect of the drugs I took last night. The drugs to take my mind off of her. The one I hurt the most out of the whole damn ravine deal. She was the only one that mattered, hell, the only think that mattered in my whole life. She didn't see me as a monster, or some prick that didn't have a heart. She was the only one that I showed my real weaknesses to, that I opened up to. That was probably the only reason she didn't see me that way. She was my weakness, as was girls, and sick thrills. She sees me as a heartless monster now, I know. I see her talking with Del Queero…and Manning and Nash, hell even Miss Prissy Princess…she looks happy. God, she IS happy. I think…She practically glows some times…but other times….when she sees me in my car….or on the street…I can tell she's still hurting. I can tell she's not so happy. I'm not happy either…but I don't show it. I'm really good at that. I want people to think I have no regrets, no mistakes. That I meant to do every damn thing I did. I want people to think I'm cold, a bastard that likes to hurt people, when really, I'm hurting every time I hurt someone else. I wanted to feel….something, like I mattered, like my existance meant something to someone. I know now..I mattered to Alex. I was something to her. Hell, I was her someone. Her boyfriend. Her lover. Whatever you want to call me, I was. Now, I'm her nothing. I'm not even something to her but her scurvy ex-boyfriend. I deserve that. I deserve everything. I deserve to get the shit beat out of me by whoever wants to take the shot. It's my fault that Jimmy got shot. My fault that Rick is dead. My fault that Spinner has no friends but pathetic me. My fault that Sean is gone, Ellie is shitty again, Alex is broken, Jimmy can't walk, Hazel doesn't have her super star boyfriend back. My fault that Emma, Alex, and Amy have gonorrhea. Mine. All mine. Want to know the saddest thing? I don't want them to know I care. I don't want them to know that I know it's my fault. Because when I care about someone, I only hurt them. Alex..Rick..that's all I'm good for. Hurting. Pain. You need that….all you have to do is come and ask for me. The fan keeps spinning as my eyes grow heavy and burn with the tears. Let it go. Let it all go, because when I get up and walk out that door..no one will see it. They will only see what I want them to. The shell of me.