A/N: I hadn't planned on writing any more for this piece, and I still feel like the story itself is very complete. But, I found myself wondering what happened between Vashti and Atton when they woke up in each other's arms. So here it is, for what it's worth. Again, this is purely character fluff. If I wrote anything that resembles a plot of any sort, I am truly sorry. :)
Thanks to all of you who took the time to review. It was such a rush to know that people were reading and enjoying my work.
PhantomMenace: The Canderous / Bastila relationship is a staple of the LSF Revan fics. I think it probably stems from the fact that as a female PC, Bastila is just irritating and needs regular slapping. I guess we all think Canderous is the perfect man for the job. Go Candy!
Midnight Meditations
Vashti began to come aware of her surroundings before fully regaining consciousness. Her neck hurt. Her left arm was caught and twisted unnaturally as was her back. Something strange seemed jammed up against her side and whatever she was laying on seemed to be moving very slightly and smelled of juma. There was another smell there too, one she couldn't quite place but was familiar and comforting to her.
Her eyes did not want to open yet. Instead she reached out with the force trying to "see" her surroundings. The first thing that hit her was the emotions. Warmth, contentment, affection, friendship, protectiveness, fear, attraction… love? All these feelings washed over her, filled her up and she felt her own emotions echo them. Then the emotions turned into a person. He was asleep and his presence beckoned her closer. She opened her thoughts to his.
"Switch the face on the + or -1 card the total is 19…" He even played pazaak in his sleep? She mentally chuckled and reached out further, trying to get past the surface thoughts. Images floated into her mind of Peragus – of her, from his perspective. The image puzzled her for a moment. She was pretty sure she hadn't looked like that, at least not that good… not all at once. Her hair hadn't been down and she doubted she had glowed that much after being in the kolto tank for days. Something was else different as well. She was wearing the skimpy dancers outfit she'd gotten when she'd danced for Vogga. She chuckled. Those parts didn't look quite right either.
Another image surfaced. She was kneeling next to T3, doing some maintenance. She had thought she was alone, had he been watching her? Again his conjuring of her seemed to have unmatched flawless beauty, in spite of the fact that she knew for certain she'd had oil smudged on her forehead that day.
Another image. She was meditating with Mical in the cargo hold. There was something menacing about the way he sat across from her. She felt the sleeping man's urges to protect her – to pull her away from him. Mira's voice floated through the image, "Meditation Envy."
In another image she saw herself in the co-pilot's chair in the cockpit. They were playing pazaak. He was letting her win? Once more the beauty of the woman in the image outshone herself considerably. She suddenly became a little frightened – did he really see her that way? How would she ever live up to that?
As her fears flitted through her mind she heard another conscious thought, "what are you doing in my head?" He asked her through their bond. She became embarrassed, mentally stammered and started to back out, remembering the promise she'd made to him not to invade his mind. "Wait, I didn't say you have to go I just wondered what you were looking for."
She tried to push her thoughts across the bond. She wasn't sure if he could hear actual thoughts or if he was just aware of her presence. "You just felt so inviting and warm… I wasn't looking for anything in particular… just feeling you."
"Mmm, I like to be felt…" he said softly into her ear. She giggled, opening her eyes for the first time since she had woken up. His brown eyes smiled down at her. She was laying against his chest with his arm wrapped around her waist. Her left arm was pinned between him and the small sofa they were resting on.
"I didn't feel you wake up," she said quietly, not wanting to take the chance of waking the rest of the crew. She pushed herself upright stretching her arms and neck and smiled at him warmly, surprised that he had been able to hear her thoughts.
"I felt you… your fear… it woke me." He paused a moment reaching out and brushing her cheek with his hand. "So what'd you see in there that scared you?" he asked, not sure he wanted to know the answer.
"Images of me," she said with a dramatic shudder trying to sidestep the question, "That's some scary stuff." She winked at him and quickly changed the subject, "how long have we been asleep?"
"A couple of hours at most, it's early," he replied letting her avoid answering him for now, "a few hours before we usually have breakfast. But I doubt anyone will be up in time for that today, not after last night."
She chuckled and nodded in agreement. "Ugh, my back is killing me. You don't make the most comfortable bed, you know," she said teasingly.
"I'd be happy to put on some weight so I'm softer for you next time, if you'd like," he gave her his best cocky grin.
She couldn't help grinning back as she stood to stretch. She pretended she didn't notice him slip in the 'next time' comment. As soon as she was on her feet her head started to pound and she became aware that her whole body ached. "Oh damn, why'd you let me drink so much?" she asked him half seriously as she fell back onto the sofa.
He grinned lopsidedly at her as he shuffled into the kitchen area his hand against his forehead obviously feeling the after effects of too much juma as well. He returned with two large glasses of water and some sort of fruit from Visas' stash.
"Here, drink this," he said handing her a glass of water as he sat next to her. He peeled the fruit and offered her a piece, "I'm not sure exactly what this is, but it's citrus, which always seems to do wonders for my hangovers."
When she had finished eating she stood again and began to stretch. She worked on her neck muscles first and then leaned forward, her arms stretched out over her head and her fingers interlocked. She slowly jack-knifed her torso until her head was against her knees and she wrapped her arms around her legs.
Atton snickered behind her. She tilted her head to the side and glared at him around her knees, an amused smile escaped her lips. Wordlessly she dropped to the floor into a cross legged pose continuing to stretch. She twisted both directions, her back crackling happily as the tension was released. "Ah, much better," she mumbled as she slipped into the familiar meditation pose, her hands resting palm up on her knees.
Atton watched her, mesmerized by her fluid movement and then her peaceful stillness as she dropped into her meditation. A feeling of warmth began to creep through him. It spread out from the center as his cells began to tingle with a somewhat familiar sensation of force healing mixed with something more. When she opened her eyes again he realized his hangover had lessened a little.
"Hey, that's cheating!" he said with feigned disapproval, "You have to teach me how to do it," he added with a sly grin.
She considered him for a moment and then nodded with a slightly sadistic smile. She knew he hadn't really been serious about learning it, especially not right now, but she decided it was high time he learned some basic meditation techniques and what better motivation for him than learning a hangover cure? Even if it was the middle of what passed for the night on the ship.
"Get some more water for us, and then sit across from me," she instructed. He began to protest but she cut him off, "Now, 'padawan'" she demanded with mock severity her eyes twinkling with amusement.
In a perfect caricature of a subservient Jedi apprentice he put his hands together and bowed. "Yes, 'Master' Meres," he replied, using her surname teasingly. She stifled a laugh. Somehow that just didn't sound right coming out of his mouth.
He was reluctant to meditatemostly because he didn't feel it was very "Atton" like, but then he was doing a lot of things that weren't very Atton like lately. His curiosity got the better of him and he decided to go along with her for now. But if anyone gave him any crap over it, he'd blame it on the Juma.
He returned with the water and lowered himself awkwardly to the floor. "The easiest position for basic meditation is the simple cross legged pose like I'm using." She began informatively. "You could also sit with your legs bent underneath you so that you're sitting on your feet, if that's more comfortable, but I find it's harder to balance that way and I usually wind up with my feet falling asleep. Of course, if you're really limber you can try the full lotus, or cobbler's pose." She demonstrated the last two poses to him ignoring his persistent smirk.
"Personally, I can't quite get into lotus far enough to keep my ankles from resting on the knees wrong and usually wind up with both of my legs falling asleep… cobbler's pose is nice sometimes, but I have to think about my balance too much to make me want to use it for meditation."
She moved back to cross legged pose, encouraging him to do the same. "Make sure that you don't actually cross your ankles, rather, keep your lower legs parallel to each other - One just in front of the other." He seemed to struggle for a moment but soon found a comfortable position. "Good," she said continuing her instructions. "Now, straighten your back, push your shoulders back and try to center your weight over your hips. You should be able to find a spot where you feel almost weightless." He gave her a look that clearly suggested he thought she was crazy. "Just try it," she said firmly.
As he struggled with the pose he felt her reach out with the force and push against his lower back and pull back on his shoulders. "There, that should be about right," she smiled at him. "Now, keeping your elbows tucked against your sides, hold your palms face up in front of your stomach. Slowly rotate your hands away from each other as far as you can, lining up your arms with your body. You should feel a stretch through the front of your chest." He nodded.
"Good. Place your hands palm up on your knees keeping your chest as open as it is right now." She smiled as he settled into the pose.
"Wow, this is actually pretty comfortable," he said genuinely surprised.
She nodded and grinned, "Yeah, those Jedi can be pretty smart sometimes." She winked at him and continued, "Now that your body is centered, you can more easily center your mind and focus on what you're trying to accomplish. Close your eyes," she instructed closing her own. "Reach out and try to feel everything around you."
She jumped as she suddenly felt a hand running up her leg. Her eyes flew open and he was grinning, his eyes still closed. "You said to feel everything…" he said mischievously.
She stifled a grin and began again, "Keeping your hands to yourself, reach out with the force and feel everything around you."
"Well, ok, but that doesn't seem nearly as much fun," he said reluctantly. She used the force to smack him on the shoulder, hitting the same spot she'd abused many times the night before.
"Ow! I told you I was going to have a bruise," he complained.
"I wouldn't have to hit you if you'd just keep your lecherous comments to yourself," she couldn't keep the grin out of her voice.
"Hrm, not much chance of that, is there? And really, I like it when you hit me…Why don't you just pick a different spot next time?" he suggested.
She rolled her eyes at him and continued her instruction. "OK, you know already how to use the force to heal wounds. This is similar, but on a much smaller scale. Reach out and try to sense your heart." She paused a moment, "that's the beating thing in your chest," she added with a grin. He hmph'd as he began to slip into the meditation. Moments later he reeled as his consciousness expanded and began to 'see' the things it had always just taken for granted.
"Once you've found the heart I want you to start concentrating on the blood flowing through it. The blood itself is made up of millions of different elements and cells. Try to sense each blood cell and each molecule of water or minerals within the blood." He tried to focus on the blood and became distracted, "Wow, this is really cool," he said as his mind shifted.
She sensed his focus slipping and instructed "Shhh, don't talk. When your thoughts drift from your task - start counting heartbeats until your consciousness clears enough to see again."
"Good," she said as she felt the focus shift again. "Follow your blood flow down to your stomach." He followed a random stream of blood down to his fingers. Nope this wasn't right – back to the heart. Another wrong turn and he found himself at his lungs. He paused there sensing the lungs transferring oxygen to and removing carbon dioxide from the blood. "This is really cool, I wonder if this is what she and Mical meditate on all the time," he wondered to himself.
"Not exactly," she said. "Focus." She nudged his mind towards his stomach. When he finally found it she continued, "Sense the water in your stomach. You want to use the force to help push it into your bloodstream. Follow the blood around your body. Use Speed to help your cells re-hydrate and expel the chemicals with the excess water back into the blood. You should use Heal on the cellular level to repair any damage done by the dehydration." She paused as he concentrated on following her instructions.
"Good," she said again. "Now when you get to your kidneys stay there and start pulling the water back out of the blood." She waited a few more moments and then said, "Great, Open your eyes…. How do you feel?"
He opened his eyes smiling at her, "Pretty good, I should have learned how to do this years ago."
She chuckled at him and said, "OK, you should probably make a trip to the 'fresher before you try again. Meet me back here with more water and you can do us both at the same time." Then she jumped up effortlessly and scurried off to the women's 'fresher herself.
When they met on the floor a few minutes later he glanced down at his hands and asked her, "so, what do you and Mical meditate on all the time?" He sounded a little jealous.
"Nothing, usually," she answered dismissively. He gave her a look that said he didn't believe her.
"No, really," she tried to explain, "Meditation has many uses of course, it can help you learn new skills or focus on a particular task, like we're doing now. But most meditation is done to try to connect to the Force, to let it work through you. The problem is that our own thoughts, fears, desires and other emotions can get in the way of understanding the true will of the Force. So, when we meditate we try to focus on nothing - to empty our minds and let the Force show us what it will."
He looked at her skeptically, "so, why do you need to meditate with someone if you're trying to focus on nothing?"
"Well, for one thing, it is very hard to perceive the difference between your own thoughts and imaginings and what the Force is trying to tell you. But, it's pretty easy to tell when the person you are meditating with has lost their focus. So when you feel the person you're meditating with start to slip you can help and nudge them back to their center."
"So you two aren't like, mentally making out or making fun of me in your heads or anything then?" He said half teasingly.
She chuckled shaking her head in disagreement. "A little paranoid, are we? No, we aren't talking about you. Mical can't actually hear my thoughts yet, so we can't "say" anything to each other while meditating, though I do hear quite a bit of what he's thinking without meaning to." She made a face as she replied to the other part of the question, "As for mentally making out… Mical? He's just a kid, more like a little brother to me… ew… I helped teach him when he was at the academy on Dantooine… that's just gross."
Atton chuckled, "He's not that much younger than you, no more than the difference between you and Kavar…" he let the implications hang in the air for a moment.
She grinned involuntarily at the mention of his name but then frowned. The idea that she could have been anywhere near as idealistic and naïve as Mical was pretty unsettling to her, but she knew she had been at least as bad. Probably a lot worse. Poor Kavar. "Well, he probably thinks of me the same way I think of Mical. Weird."
"Right…," Atton scoffed.
She shot him an amused look, "So, are you ready to try this again? Or do you want to ask me about any of the other men in my life? We haven't talked about Bao yet, or Canderous for that matter. It's too bad he's married, I think he could be quite the…"
Atton's face paled and he interrupted her, "Let's just try the meditation thing again. Otherwise I think I'm gonna be sick."
"Good," she said with a grin.
She settled into the meditation pose again and encouraged him to do likewise. She closed her eyes and tried to center herself. After a few minutes she began to instruct him again. "Ok, when you have more than one target you have to expand your consciousness a little further. Let's start with the heart again."
He stretched out his senses beyond his own body this time. He found her heart and let his consciousness shift to monitoring both heartbeats at once. They beat differently, but the two separate rhythms began to meld in his mind.
"Excellent," she said through their bond. He followed the blood around their bodies, expediting its work. She was impressed at how quickly he was picking this up, but then she felt him pause at her breasts. "Only you would ogle from the inside", she thought amusedly.
"Uhhh, sorry, hard not to notice…" he thought back to her. She shook her head and prodded him to move along. As he finished up the meditation she shielded her thoughts from him and began to wonder just what kind of mess she had gotten herself into.
Before her exile she had adhered strictly to the part of the Jedi code that forbade physical relationships quite willingly. But she had never been good at keeping from forming emotional attachments to those around her. She had heard many lectures from the Masters on how relationships are "fraught with dangerous emotions and best to be avoided." She couldn't count the number of times she was told that the bonds she formed would cause her to fall to the dark side.
In the end she supposed they had been right. It was her bonds with people that caused her to not be able to sit by while they died. And it was going to war that caused her exile. She hadn't fallen per se, but she didn't think the council saw it that way.
After she was exiled she avoided the emotional attachments that had caused her so much pain. She had preferred to be alone most of the time. But when the loneliness had rolled in she would often find herself in a cantina picking up some cocky spacer who had caught her eye. Usually they were the type that had a girl in every space port and would be flying out tomorrow. It was the way she preferred it. It seemed fitting to her that her relationships were hollow and empty, just like she was.
She had moved around a lot during this time. Often flying out when the same guy appeared on her loading ramp once too often. When she landed in the next place she would resume her solitary existence for a few months until the loneliness overwhelmed her and she found herself back in the cantina again.
Once the force had re-awakened in her though, she had slipped back into her old habits. She had been surprised how easy it was to project the same prudish air she'd had as a Jedi. But she had known that she would never be truly celibate again. It was much easier to refrain from something when you didn't know what you were missing.
There had been times since Peragus when she had desired a bed-mate. But living on such a small ship didn't allow for her usual short term relationships. She had fancied the idea of propositioning one of the crew a couple of times, but they each had their issues. Mical was too young and was much too idealistic to have any real fun with. She'd known Bao-Dur much too long to think about him that way, though she did love his voice and had a feeling he would be a very considerate lover. Canderous was a very interesting prospect for a romp, but he'd never really shown any interest in her and last night she'd learned that he was married - guess that explained it. So that left Atton.
Atton would have been just her type during her exile. She'd have taken him back to her ship and played with him for a while - until she got bored. He'd have probably kept her interested a little longer than most… he was a bit smarter and less predictable than the others. But in the end, they'd have parted company - both of them perfectly happy with what had been.
But she hadn't met Atton back then. She met him after she had begun to feel the force again. That made everything different. She hadn't wanted the emotional attachments during her exile. Now she couldn't stop them from forming. Her force bond with Kreia had been stronger than any other bond she'd ever experienced, it was almost unsettling. Each time they had picked up a new crewmate she had instinctively started reaching out - weaving them into her own consciousness. She reveled in the other presences she carried with her in her mind now. She hadn't realized just how lonely she had been. She didn't ever want to have to say goodbye to another friend again.
And that was where the conflict came in. In the past, the men she spent time with always left quickly, usually of their own accord. But Atton wasn't going to be gone tomorrow. He would still be there when she woke up and that scared her.
She had always protected herself from getting too close to others. Where she had physical intimacy, she had protected herself by blocking the emotional. Where she had emotional intimacy, she had protected herself by keeping them at arms length. At the time she dismissed it as following the code, but in reality it was more than that. She realized now that she had been scared of letting anyone get too close to her.
She didn't know why she was that way. It didn't make any sense to her that the idea of true intimacy made her want to run and hide. But it did. She wondered if other people felt this way. She thought at times that it was some ancient self preservation instinct. Don't get too attached, they might be eaten by a krayt tomorrow. Or, more likely, maybe it was a result of growing up in the Order and always being told how dangerous relationships were.
Dangerous or not, she couldn't block the emotional bond with Atton now. It was too late for that. She could shield her thoughts from him for a short time, but he was always there again when she took down the barriers. It was nice in some ways, but a little scary as well. Especially since she found it harder and harder to resist the physical contact she craved.
She was attracted to him. There was no doubt about that. But when he looked into her eyes it scared her. She knew he could see her, all of her. He could see her thoughts, he could see her very soul. And that had made her want to hide from him. She didn't trust the emotions he evoked in her. She didn't want to be in that deep.
But she was. She was up to her chest in the quagmire of emotions she felt for him. There was no escaping it now. She knew he was there too, stuck somewhere in muck, they had only to find each other now. It was just a matter of time. Knowing this, part of her just wanted to surrender herself to him now, heart, body and soul. But there was another part of her that wanted to play "the game". She had been good at the game during her exile, but the bond made it completely different. Before the game she played with the men in her life was like a battle. Now it became more like an intricate dance. Each side step, each feint would be seen for what it was - a way to pass the time while they waited for the inevitable.
Atton finished up his meditation and opened his eyes, he looked at her a moment before he spoke. "You're blocking me… Why? What are you thinking about?"
She opened her eyes and smiled at him. "I was thinking about my exile," she said, only half truthfully, "and also how nice it is to have real friends again," she added quickly hoping the answer would appease him. She stood and stretched one more time the after effects of the juma were gone now. "Ah, much, much better. Good job." She smiled down at him.
"They won't be up for a few more hours," he said yawning as she helped him to his feet.
She nodded. "When they do wake up, you can practice your new skills on them," she suggested.
He made a face. "Ewww. I do NOT want to see the inside of anyone else on this ship. I mean, Visas and Mira wouldn't be so bad, but Canderous? Bao-Dur? Mical? Yech!"
She chuckled at him. "Once you've had practice you won't actually have to visualize everything anymore. So I guess… save Mical for last?" she suggested with a grin. "But now," she said dismissively, "I need to sleep… somewhere flat. How in the Force can you possibly sleep sitting up as much as you do?" She asked him, not really expecting an answer.
He thought for a moment about telling her the truth - that he avoided real sleep because he tended to have nightmares. But something about the way she was obviously trying to ditch him made him want to play her game - to get under her skin. So, instead he just grinned, and cocked an eyebrow at her.
"I just don't like to sleep alone," he said suggestively as he locked eyes with hers. He took a step towards her predatorily. She felt his eyes bore into her soul and she suddenly felt very vulnerable.
She panicked. Trying to escape his gaze she took a step backwards without thinking. Something banged against her leg and without warning she was falling. In her attempt to flee she had backed straight into a footlocker and knocked her feet out from under her. Before she could right herself, he caught her. His arms wrapped around her torso and she instinctively threw her arms around his neck. He kept her there, off balance, his eyes locked with hers, as an amused smile played across his lips. She clung to him to keep from falling, unable to break the eye contact or get her feet back under her. He slowly lowered his lips to hers. She closed her eyes then, as he closed his - both of them savoring the kiss. He kissed her deeply, not just with his lips but also with his mind. The emotions poured over her as he pushed all of his feelings across their bond. Their conscious minds merged for a moment and she was unable to tell where she ended and he began.
He broke the kiss finally and looked down at her affectionately as he put her back on her feet. A playful smirk crossed his lips as he took a cue from Canderous' story from the night before. He stroked her cheek lightly with his thumb and leaned forward, his lips just inches from her ear. "Goodnight, Princess," He whispered. He winked as he turned and ambled down the hallway to the cockpit.
She stood there a moment disoriented, watching him walk away and trying to piece together everything that had just happened. When he disappeared around the bend in the hallway she turned and walked towards her bed with a big, dumb grin on her face.
He was very good at this game.