all that i've got by Sam Carter O'Neill Wagtail JEDI

chapter 10: true happiness

"Where were you?"

Sam was startled to find Pat sitting in a chair in their hotel room when Sam finally came back… at a quarter to five in the morning. "I… needed to think," she said, wiping tears from her face. But the evidence that she'd been crying remained—her face was red and blotchy, her eyes bloodshot.

"Sam…Have you been drinking?"

"What? No!" She was surprised he'd even asked her such a ridiculous question.

"…because it's completely normal, if you're grieving—"

That was the thing about Patrick Kenny. He was such a nice guy and his heart was really in the right place… but he…just wasn't intelligent, and he pried into Sam's life. And Sam really didn't need that. Hell, if she'd needed that she would've stayed with "Pete the control freak." That made this so much worse. This—coming back to Colorado Springs after so long, seeing him after so long…

"Look, Pat. Just leave it alone for once," she snapped.

"Samantha," there it was! He just had to call her Samantha! "I only care about you and have your best interestat heart," he moved to embrace her.

"Please, Pat… it's just so hard. Don't pretend you understand. Even if you're just trying to help."

He looked away, as if she'd slapped him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean…" she sighed deeply, tears stinging her eyes. Tears stinging her eyes? What had she become? She used to be so strong, so independent. Had she changed that much?

She needed to get out. She needed to remember the life she'd left behind.

He'd closed the door on her.

He felt empty. But vindicated—the pain she had caused him was so intense that he no longer felt it, but now maybe she did. But this… this emptiness was tired. So tired. Jack O'Neill felt old.

He'd cried. For hours.

She was inside his very being, he realized it now. And so many years without her was killing him slowly.

He reached for his keys; he needed peace after so much hate.

She unlocked the rental car door and snapped it open. She took a deep, calming breath before stepping onto the hard concrete.

"Cheyenne Mountain," she let the words slide off her tongue gracefully as she read the familiar sign atop the large arch that was the entrance.

A security officer walked over to her and stopped in his tracks as soon as he recognized the famous Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter—SG1.

"Um…good morning, ma'am. May… May I see some identification, please?" he stammered.

Sam gave him her work identification badge.

She didn't go inside the complex, not yet. Later, maybe, but it was still too soon. Instead, she sat on the hood of the car in the parking lot. It was all so familiar—it was like stepping into a time machine to see the way her life had been for so long.

She'd worked here for nine years… not too shabby. Sam remembered thinking, on the day she first seriously considered leaving the Stargate program, that surely nine years was enough to spend risking one's life every day…

But everything seemed so different now. She was, doing what? Professing at an Ivy League school? Since when, she began to wonder, had that been enough? She used to fight a war alongside her brothers, and now… she lectured basic wormhole physics to a class full of 20-somethings…?

Then it hit her— she'd run. That's exactly what had happened. Samantha Carter had run from the life she'd led, from a battle worth fighting, from love, ... and from the life she could have led… should have led.

"What is true happiness?" she asked the air.

"What do you want it to be?"

Sam spun around, hastily wiping tears from her face, "Sir!"

Jack O'Neill took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, taking a seat beside her. "Hiya Carter," he said in a tone that reminded Sam so much of the past that she wanted toembrace him.

"Sir, I… I don't know where to begin."

"An 'I'm sorry' would work just fine."

"Please don't do this…"

"And why not?" he asked. His tone was resigned and hurt.

"I… I know I hurt you. Believe me, I keep… having these recurring dreams where I can't—" she wiped her sleeve across her face. "Things can never be the way they were… and I am sorrier than you may ever know."

"Thank you." He'd been waiting for that apology for years. "I'm sorry for slamming the door on you."

"You shouldn't be," she smiled ever so slightly.

"Yet… I am."

"You deserve so much better," she sighed, looking into his eyes.

"So do you." And he looked her straight in the eye for the first time in many years, his sincerity overwhelming.

"What is happiness, honestly? Is it… seeing the good you do in your work; changing the lives of races of people every day for the better? Seeing the sacrifices people make…? What?" she demanded, so full of emotion she thought she might burst. Her tone softened, "Or… is it… love? But then love is sacrificing everything to save people we know nothing about, to..." she trailed off, realizing the implications of her statement, " 'sacrificing everything'…" she mused.

"In retrospect, I have never been truly happy," she continued. My father was right, all those years ago. Up until the day he died, all he wanted was for me to be happy. He was trying to tell me something and I… I couldn't see it. And now… he's gone, and I can never tell him…… I remember the day Janet Frasier died. She was an outstanding doctor, an amazing friend. When she died, a part of me did as well." She turned to face Jack, "I remember, that day, watching you get shot down. I remember thinking 'what if…?' and I remember you… so still… I thought for sure you were dead."

He wasn't sure what to say; all he had waswhat he'd come to tell her. "Sam… Back when your father died, when I said 'always.' I meant it."

How could he? How could he forgive her? So easily… She'd been so horrible to him… and she'd forsaken herself, and to what ends? "Please, Jack. Please, don't," she said, turning away.

"No, I need to. Listen to me—" he gently grabbed the sides of her face so that she looked at him again. "I… We've been through so much together, and I know that's a cliché but…" he paused. "You were a part of me. I couldn't… when you left—" he let go of her face and turned to lookat the arch. "I loved you..." he said. "But I always will. Always."

Tears began streaming down her face silently but freely. "I'm not happy," she admitted. "I'm miserable. Every single day, I look back. Every single day. And I miss it...I miss youwith all my heart."

"So do I."