The Day a Mary-Sue Infiltrated Cephiro Palace
Author's note: I can't write vaguely serious fics... At all. Hmm, yes. There's a mention of strange couplings but nothing happens at all. It's just my strange obscure sense of humour. Lot's of OOC-ness. Hoorah.
Disclaimer: Don't know. Don't own. Don't sue.
It was a bright and sunny day in Cephiro, like every other day, because for some reason Cephiro was incapable of rain, storms and snow, unless the Apocalypse was near. But, unfortunately (or VERY fortunate from my point of view) the horny canon Cephirians and Magic Knights were not going be getting any, as sunny weather equals no sex.
The Canon Residents were all gathered in a room, chilling, drinking tea and consuming Umi's creations, for the Magic Knights were here because it was the weekend! Hoorah! All was well and peaceful until the large oak doors tore open.
"Hello Father!" and there appeared a girl, who was seemingly teenaged, but considering she was Cephirian, this meant that she was really in her mid-200s. She had long platinum blond flowing hair, that was sleek and shiny, that did not frizz nor tangle and was immaculate at all times. Her sapphire blue eyes shone like no eyes had shone before. Her skin was creamy and flawless. She was tall, with legs that went on for days, she could rival any supermodel. She also spoke with an obviously fake posh British Accent, which raised a lot of questions as Cephirians did not know what Britain was.
"Father!" Questioned Presea, now standing "No one here is a father..." now Presea was unsure of herself.
"Au Contraire! My Name is Starr Gabriella Destiny Mariaah Angelique Violette Devereaux! But you can all call me Starr for short!" Silence. Never before have the Cephirians seen anyone like this. "And I..." she continued "Am the heir to the Guru of Cephiro!"
Clef spat out his tea, oh-so gracefully of course. "But that's impossible... I... I... Don't understand..." Clef stared at what was supposedly his offspring.
Ferio burst into uncontrollable laughter. "Clef? A Father?" Ferio blatantly found this amusing "Wait, OH DEAR MOKONA NO! The Images! They burn! BUUUURN!" Fuu shoved her elbow into his ribs, in an attempt to shut him up. It worked, although Ferio looked extremely traumatised. Starr smiled as divine music played and a beam of light shone down on her. The female residents plus Clef were confused to where all this was coming from. Meanwhile all the male residents minus Clef were now all staring in awe of her beauty. The females noticed this and gave death glares to their respective Boyshapes.
"She's so beautiful"
"..." (Lantism for 'Pwoah, she's hot' or something like that)
"S... s... she's... uh... I..."
"All my love for Presea, I mean Fuu has left me"
Starr walked over to Clef, who I forgot to mention has taken on his OAV form and was now a dashing 20-odd year old, still short but taller than before, and attached herself to his arm.
"Come now, Father. We have alot of catching up to do." and started to drag him off.
"Wait..." began Clef "if I really am your father, then... just who is your mother?" Clef was obviously trying to think of all his exes, minus all the male ones obviously, including his recent flings with Ascot and Ferio. He was struggling, being the man-slut he is, Clef has had many the sexual encounter, in fact, this girl could be practically anyone's child. Starr stopped, and looked down at the floor.
"I don't know. She died when I was young. I was then adopted by this cruel family who abused me and they favoured their biological children over me and my 'cousin' used me as a sex slave. Oh, how my life is full of angst. And then, in the attempt to find my father, I had to sell my body to raise enough money for a magical paternity test, which told me that you were my father..."
But Clef had stopped listening, right after 'I don't know', the females were looking very unimpressed but the guys were all engrossed in her tale and were gladly giving her sympathy. "Anyway, let us go father, let us read ancient scriptures and let us bond" And with a look of extreme fear on his face, Clef was dragged off. Prince, Kailu, Bal and Dal followed.
"This is not good and I do not approve!" declared Umi as soon as Starr had left the room, umi was suddenly standing on her chair.
"Please Umi-san, calm yourself" pleaded Fuu, trying to pull Umi off her chair.
"I agree! She swans in here and steals the attention from our guys" Said Caldina "Just who does she think she is!"
"What's a sex slave! I don't understand!" Hikaru was still confused about Starr's angsty childhood speech. Silence fell upon the room.
"I'll tell you when you're older" said Presea delicately.
"We must get rid of her!" commanded Umi
"But we can't Umi-san! She's Clef's daughter!"
"Yuh-huh, a daughter he didn't even know about!" said Caldina, so totally agreeing with Commander Umi.
"I must agree with Fuu, Clef wouldn't be too appreciative if we killed his newly found daughter"
"Puu!" Mokona entered the room, shortly followed by the infamous annoying pixie Primera.
"That FIEND has stolen MY Lantis!" The pixie wailed.
"We know" said the other girls simultaneously.
"I do believe" started Commander Umi "And I have read a lot of Harry Potter fanfiction... That this Starr is... a Mary-Sue!" Fuu gasped dramatically, whilst her hair flew upwards, like it does every other time she gasps. Caldina, Presea and Primera had blank looks on their faces. Mokona was... well, it was being Mokona.
"A what?" Asked Presea.
"Mysterious girls who are perfect in everyway. But they are annoying and are a writer's worst nightmare." Umi explained.
"So how do we get rid of her, Umi-chan?"
"I'm guessing we could kill her..." Umi said earning a glare of Fuu "But instead, we shall formulate a plan that'll make her run to the Hills."
"That's brilliant Umi-Chan, now what have you got in mind?" asked Hikaru bubbly.
"I have no idea" The other girls fell over, anime style.
"We should set the Mashin on her!"
"Caldina-san! Really! That is irresponsible use of the mashin!" Fuu said, shocked that Caldina would suggest such a thing.
"Never mind the Mashin! Set Mokona on her!" Suggested Presea
"Puu!" Mokona queried, after hearing its name.
"No, that won't work" said Umi sighing. "We'll figure something out though"
Meanwhile, Clef was struggling not to take his own life as his oh-so perfect newly found daughter was being annoying, maybe it was a good thing she's never turned up before now. To make matters worst, his newly found daughter had a gaggle of admirers who were distracting him from his very important work.
"Must you all accumulate in here? Don't you all have significant others?" Clef asked through gritted teeth.
"But Fuu isn't as beautiful as Starr!"
"..."
"B... b... but... I... s... she's..."
"So beautiful..."
Clef's hit his head against the table, before getting up and leaving.
"Father?" But Clef didn't answer and made his way to where the girls were.
The oak doors tore open again.
"You have to get rid of her!" Clef wailed, after entering the room.
"But... she's your daughter!" Fuu said shocked.
"That, I am aware of. However, I have no attachment to her"
"So, can we kill her?" Umi asking with a glimmer in her eyes. "Can we? Please? Can we kill her, please? Please, Clef please!" Umi was now on her knees at Clef's feet, her hands clasped together. "Pleeeeeease!"
"By all means, please do!"
"Clef-san!" Fuu was clearly disgusted that Clef was condoning the death of his own daughter.
"I agree! Death to the Bitch!" Caldina declared. Fuu gasped at the profanity. Hikaru was confused.
"A bitch is a girl dog though... You're going to kill an innocent little dog!" Hikaru became teary eyed. Sighing, Presea put her arms around Hikaru in a comforting motion.
"It's alright Hikaru, they're going to kill Starr..."
"Oh. Well that's good then. She stole my Lantis! She deserves to die!"
"Your Lantis!" But by now Clef was following a mob of hormonal women, led by the Infamous Commander Umi who had summoned her sword. Well, Clef wouldn't say Hikaru was particularly hormonal. He didn't think Hikaru knew what the term meant. And yet the mob was making their way down the corridor heading to the Guru's study.
Umi burst through the door, brandishing her sword like a mad man, woman even.
"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!" Umi ran through the study and in one swift motion drove her sword through Starr's chest. Starr's limp and now lifeless body fell to the floor. Being the macho-man that he is, Ferio burst into tears.
"Oh my Mokona. You killed Starr! You bastards!" He sobbed, now on his knees by Starr's body.
"Oh my. That was such a cheap parody of South Park, it wasn't even funny" Fuu said in that matter-of-fact, Fuu-ish way of hers. Not like Fuu even watches South Park, she just knows eeeeverything. And the abuse of the letter 'e' back then emphasised this point.
"Strange. One would presume that when she died, her little spell that she had upon them, would be lifted. But seemingly, it hasn't" Clef commented, noticing that Ferio, Ascot, Lantis and Lafarga were now all mourning over Starr's corpse.
"Maybe we need to get them away from her" Suggested Presea, now clinging onto Clef's arm.
"Presea, please remove yourself off my arm."
"Sorry." Clef sighed, pursuing a relationship with Presea was not what he wanted to do.
"Come on then" Fuu held onto Ferio's arm, trying to pull him up "Let's go have some tea."
"Tea?"
"Yes, Ferio. You like tea" Fuu said in a patronising voice. Nodding, Ferio stood and started to walk off with Fuu. The other girls and their respective Boyshapes followed.
Sometime later, all the canon residents were back to being relatively normal and were back to drinking their tea and chatting about several things. And as if by magic it was as if Starr never existed, and all was well and right with the world. However, yet again the same large oak doors tore open.
"HELLO AGAIN, FATHER!" Clef fell off his chair in shock. The girls were the ones to spit out their tea this time and the guys rejoiced.
"But...but... You're dead!" Umi gasped.
"I was, but because of my noble death I was resurrected! And I get to be with my father once again."
"Well, for one I am very pleased that you are back with us, my dear Starr" said Ferio, taking her hand and kissing it gently. Fuu was absolutely livid.
"Perhaps..." said Starr seductively "we should go somewhere more private" Ferio stopped what he was doing and stared at her as if she was utterly retarded.
"What?"
"Oh. you know..." Starr rolled her eyes suggestively, if such a thing was possible.
"I'm very sorry Starr, but I can't sleep with you" Fuu who was on the verge of killing Starr for herself, looked up as a glint of hope glimmered in her eyes. Starr may have this spell on Ferio, but he loved Fuu really. The other Residents watched with fascination and yet with confusion, all at the same time.
"Pardon?" asked Starr as the world around her started to collapse.
"It's sunny" said Ferio as if it was the most blatantly obvious thing ever, which indeed, it was.
"WHAT!" Clearly Starr was not too happy about this "I, Starr Gabriella Destiny Mariaah Angelique Violette Devereaux, offer myself to you on a plate and you turn me down!" Infact, it looked like Starr was due to spontaneously combust, no doubt most of the Residents were hoping that this would happen.
Starr gave out one final distraught yell before exploding quite nicely into a whiff of hydrogen, oxygen and carbon monoxide.
"Of course!" Declared Umi after taking in what just happened "The goal of every Mary-Sue is to sleep with as many people as possible! And she failed! So she exploded!" The girls plus Clef cheered. The other guys were confused, they had no idea what was going on, the spell had been lifted and were all now questioning how they could of been attracted to such a thing.
"So now what Umi-chan?" asked Hikaru.
"Well, I guess we carry on with our everyday ordinary lives." And that's what they all did, the Residents went off to go about their everyday business.
And that's where our story finishes. Almost.
Fuu and Ferio were alone, and had their arms around each other lovingly. It was a nice, happy moment, enough to make FuuxFerio shippers go 'Ahhhh'.
"I'm so proud of you Ferio" Fuu smiled warmly
"Proud? Why?"
"Because you didn't want to sleep with her."
"Yes, well, that's because I love you."
"I love you too Ferio" Fuu smiled again before looking around the room.
"What's wrong Fuu?" Ferio asked, worriedly.
"Strange. Normally, when we're having a mushy moment some short, red-headed English girl comes along and tries to break us up." Nothing happened.
"Must be her day off then" Ferio said whilst pulling Fuu closer to him. And that, as they say, is that and it just goes to show, Mary-Sues should never try to infiltrate the Magic Knight Rayearth fandom, leave them where they belong... The Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings fandoms.
Hoorah.
It was weird. It was pointless and yet, I DON'T CARE!
This fic was inspired from a conversation I had quite a long time ago with my dear friend Maureen (not really called Maureen, but I call her that for simplicity's sake) and we came up with this Mary-Sue who was related to Clef (originally it was his sister) and got off with all the guys (she was also the new pillar too) and then she turned out to be Clef's adopted sister so she got off with Clef too. But I so totally ignored that bit for my sanity's sake.
So long and good night.