by Spectra16
A/N: I revised my first version of this story, since it was written about two years ago. I figured it was pretty dated, and had a lot of mistakes I didn't notice until recently.
Disclaimer: Spectra16 doesn't own Artemis Fowl or the Matrix or Martha Stewart or K-Mart. She's a loser like that.
Artemis and Butler walked down the street, calmly. Number 26 in the book "How To Look Highly Evil When No One Knows If You Are Or Not." (A/N: Don't worry. Spectra16 won't deprive you of this great book! She'll share it with you after the story!) You have to walk calmly. Artemis went to the pay phone because the person he had just dealt with had broken his cell phone. Butler broke him. Just as Artemis pressed his ear to the phone, he disappeared. Butler just stood there for about five minutes, thinking that he was dreaming. And then he slowly walked away.
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Artemis awoke to a strange, very dull looking room. The walls were grey, as were all other objects in the room. There were computers, and strange looking chairs. Artemis studied his surroundings carefully, in case he needed to escape, or do something drastic. He began analyzing, which isn't uncommon for him. Then a strange looking bald man stepped into the room. He stared at Artemis for a few seconds, but then started smiling like a loon at Artemis. He ran over to him, and stuck his face close to Artemis'.
"I'm Cypher. What are yoooooou?" Cypher asked in a syrupy voice. Artemis decided that either his captor was stupid, or overly friendly.
"I'm Artemis Fowl. I demand to know where I am!" Artemis asked in his same tone that he might speak to someone he felt he was superior to. No later did he ask that, when a man with black hair and a woman came into the room.
"What is a kid doing here!" The woman asked, almost sounding happy, but surprised at the same time.
"He picked up the damn phone. What do we tell Morpheus?" Cypher asked, suddenly pretending to be macho and stoic in front of the newly addressed people.
"We don't tell Morpheus! Besides, we'll keep him locked like a pet," The man with the black hair suggested.
"I ALWAYS WANTED A KITTY!" The lady squealed and started acting like a Valley girl. "My name is Trinity! And this butt nugget here is Neo," She said and looked at the man with the black hair. He shot her a strange look, and totally ignoring the despairing remark. And then a bald black man walked in.
"Come on everyone, we are going for- HOLY GOD! WHO'S THAT! IS THAT LIKE YOUR COUSIN, NEO!"
"No, it's some kid that picked up the phone when we were coming back from where the world was better!" Neo yelled sarcastically. Everyone else was too ignorant to understand what he was getting at. Artemis understood, but decided to stay silent.
"Well, what are you going to do about it?" Artemis crossed his arms.
"Oh, it's he so cute?" Trinity pinched his cheeks and Artemis glared at her. She nearly cried..
"We have to give him the choice. The blue pill or the red pill," Morpheus said.
"BUT WE ALREADY FOUND THE 'Chosen one'! Why should we bring more people into this?" Cypher yelled and asked at the same time.
"SO WE CAN HAVE A FUCKING SEQUEL! THAT'S WHY!" Neo yelled back.
Everyone stared at him.
"So, what'll it be?" Morpheus stuck out a hand to Artemis.
"Are you from the movie Shaft? Or maybe Blade?" Artemis asked. Morpheus shifted his eyes.
"No. . .," Morpheus' lie was interrupted by Trinity.
"I knew you looked like someone I knew!"
"Okay, blue pill will make you go back to your fairy stealing, gold smuggling life, and the red pill will take you down a rabbi hole? What will it be?" Morpheus spoke like a true solicitor. He had been watching the Gopher It commercial.
"YOU'RE FORGETTING THE WHITE PILL! YOU TAKE IT TO LOSE GAS IN A NATURAL WAY!" Cypher yelled as loud as he could. Morpheus was going to pop a blood vessel. Then he took the blue pill and shoved it down Artemis' mouth.
Narrator: No. We couldn't do that to Artemis or our audiences. There would be no story if Artemis went back to normal life without ruining someone else's! So let's pretend Morpheus shoves the blue pill down Martha Stewart's throat. And then turns to Artemis, and gives him the red pill! PLAY!
Morpheus was about to pop a blood vessel. He then shoved the blue pill down Martha Stewart's throat. And then turns to Artemis, and shoves the red pill down his throat.
"Tastes like cherry!" Artemis licked his lips.
"That's what you think! And then you realize, there is no cherry flavor. There is nothing that is real. Chicken tastes like everything!" Mouse said happily, coming out of his "happy place box", where he hides from ravenous fan girls.
"What does chicken have to do with anything?" Trinity asked, in a bratty voice, putting her hands on her hips.
"I dunno. But it made sense when I said it," Mouse went back in his box. Neo looked at Morpheus who was currently picking his nose. He pulled his finger from the inside of his nose and wiped it on Cypher. Artemis took a few steps back. This was all too creepy. He wanted Butler.
So, because this part of the movie was so damn long and pointless, I've decided that Artemis goes through the whole nasty possess of acupuncture, being put in nasty icky gel stuff (again), and shocked to death. I put that all in the wrong order. Neo and Cypher all made a funny face. Morphius got out of the Matrix. So did Artemis.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
"It's time to go into the Matrix! Everybody put on your seat belts!" Morphius yelled.
"Say bye bye to Kansas for me, Dorthy!" Cypher told Artemis. He had already explained the Lady in the Red dress. Yeah. . . Artemis looked into the ceiling before they were sent back into the world he liked better than the one he was stuck in. And then everything changed. He was wearing black leather, which was a switch. Everyone was. And Artemis felt something heavy in his jacket. It was several guns. Whoa. They were in a really messed up, crappy old building. Artemis was wearing sunglasses. Reminded him of the good old days. When he had to wear them for protection from the sun. He had gone through so many uses for lenses' and reflectors of any type. More than one should. Morpheus' glasses didn't have little things to stay on your head. They just stayed. Artemis figured it was because he had a fat head.
"So, why did we come here in the first place?" Neo asked Morpheus.
"Because it's funner than staying in a crammy little space, listening to some jerk that talks of nothing."
"Hey, I heard that!" Cypher said.
"Is 'funner' even a word?" Artemis asked.
"Oh, there he goes again! Trying to be the logical one! Trying to be the genius! Trying to be the freaking main character! Well, get it through your stupid little brain because I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!" Neo yelled at the top of his lungs. Everyone realized for the millionth time, that Neo needs all of the attention or else people don't sleep well. "Did you know that I hacked into the Pentagon? Because I am soooooo good!"
"I hacked into it twice," Artemis said, "Because I am soooo better?"
"Stop your bickering! I love you both!" Trinity tried to stop the fighting, and stood between Neo and Artemis. Everyone went silent. Morpheus turned the other way and started picking his nose again.
"Who says we love you, bitch?" Neo asked. Trinity starts crying. " OH, GET OVER YOURSELF!"
"Guys, I think I found something," Morpheus said.
"What, what?" Neo asked urgently.
"I think there's a drum set in here. No really! I think there is," Morpheus was driving his finger up his nose. Neo walked toward the door. Then it disappeared.
"Oh, crap. They know we're here," Neo said. Trinity stopped crying. Morpheus stopped picking. Martha Stewart stopped talking about do it yourself home decorating. Artemis was thinking, what is with the angst in this story?
"Who's they? I mean, you could be talking about the IRS, you know," Trinity said. Neo started choking her.
And then, Agent Smith appeared.
"It's the men in black!" Artemis said. Referring to the movie 'Men In Black'. Will Smith appeared and started singing his song about Men In Black.
"We are not IRS agents. We are to keep you, the virus, from spreading!" Agent Smith's voice got dangerously low. A few moments of silence loomed in the air. Then Agent Smith smiled. "I'm back from the dead!" Agent Smith looked at Neo.
"I see dead people!" Artemis said in mono tone.
"Join us agents. We will treat you better than these crazed lunatics. We will change your life. How about it?" Agent Smith said.
"How about I give you the finger (does so), and you give Neo's phone call?" Artemis asked.
"Hey! What did I tell you about being the hero!" Neo said. Agent Smith gives Neo the cell phone.
"So will you join us?" Agent Smith asked.
"Hmm. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .NAH!" Agent Smith takes a gun and shoots at Artemis. Artemis dodges the bullet and it hits Martha Stewart's head.
"That was a lost cause," Agent Smith said. Artemis then started singing and dancing. He was singing something about being a bulletproof monk. Martha Stewart died. No one cares though. Agent Smith looks at Artemis and pouts.
"Dodge this a second time," Trinity shoots him in the head. She shoots him right in the head.
"This is boring. I want some pizza!" Morpheus declared.
So they took the Oracle out for pizza at Pizza Hut. They sat down at a large table, waiting to be served. (Background music is Wake Up by Race the Machine, featured on the Matrix soundtrack, none of them realize that though.)
"I'm Barbra, I'll be your waitress tonight. What shall I get you?"
"I want three large cheese pizzas and five large cokes," Morpheus ordered. She jotted it down and left. "I want some ice cream too!" Trinity whined.
"Ice cream tastes like chicken!" Mouse mentioned.
"Wanna play tic-tac-toe?" Artemis asked the Oracle.
"Sure," she said. No one beats the Oracle at tic-tac-toe. No one. But Artemis did. Everyone stared.
"WHAT! HOW COULD YOU WIN? I KNOW YOUR MIND? WHAT IS UP WITH THAT!" Then the Oracle had a heart attack. Artemis just watched her agony and pain.
"She was gonna die anyway," Artemis said out loud. The people went back to eating. Then, their pizza came. Everyone ate.
"Ignorance is bliss," Neo said.
"NO! YOU CAN ONLY SAY THAT WHEN YOU'RE EATING STEAK, FOOL!" Trinity whacked Neo upside the head.
"Ow," Neo said quietly, so that Trinity didn't hit him again. After everyone was done with the food, the check came. Morpheus took it and his eyes bulged out.
"EIGHT HUNDRED, THIRTY-SEVEN DOLLARS AND TWO CENTS! For what!" Everyone looked toward their table. The managers decided he was causing young children to cry (not to mention Trinity) and they removed him from the restaurant. They said bye to the Oracle and went back home.
A hundred billion miles away, Butler is rocking himself to sleep. Artemis Sr. walks in the room that he is in.
"What are you doing, Butler?" Artemis asks.
"Hmm? Nothing," Butler keeps rocking. Artemis Sr. looks around the room.
"Where's my son?" He asks.
"What? I don't know. Maybe he's in the bathroom," Butler lied, fearing for his life. Artemis was gone. He had no meaning in life now.
"Weren't you supposed to be watching him at St. Bartleby's? Didn't you watch him from the bushes or something?" Artemis Sr. asked.
"Um . . . Yeah. But the school sent me home because it's illegal to be on school grounds if you don't attend or work there," Butler didn't lie this time. Artemis Sr. nodded and limped away. Butler kept rocking.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
I wouldn't deprive you from something I promised, right?
"How To Look Highly Evil When No One Knows If You Are Or Not"
1. Wear sunglasses, even at night.
2. Stalk people, even if you don't need to.
3. Don't flinch.
4. Be able to withstand the sound of nails on a chalk board.
5. Be able to think up highly evil plans, even if they are thought up REALLY fast.
6. Wear black. Lots of black.
7. Never get caught not being formal.
8. Attend other people's funerals. Even if you never knew the person who died.
9. Go into a mall and play Jenga on the floor with your friends. Just cuz I said so.
10. Laugh at the sad parts of books, movies, etc.
11. Practice evil laugh every day. Practice makes perfect.
12. Always start laughs with MU (ex: MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!)
13. Eat obscure food or endangered species.
14. Don't slouch. (Unless you're at the computer all day)
15. Wear black leather.
16. Support other villains by cheering for them.
17. Never say the word 'lollipop'.
18. Never get caught reading fan fic.
19. Lock yourself up in your room all day.
20. Make few friends.
21. Chew on pens.
22. Learn as much as you possibly can about anything. (USEFUL!)
23. Never watch 'G' rated movies, unless you are forced to.
24. Study the lives of infamous people.
25. Live in Wisconsin.
26. Walk down the street casually. As if you know something other people don't know.
27. Hate all pop singers.
28. Get large amounts of money.
29. Buy a private island and live there.
30. Watch James Bond movies and study the bad guy's behavior. Do nothing they do.
31. Never use sharks to eat people you don't like. It doesn't work. (See Thunderball)
32. Never do anything a Scooby Doo villain does. It's bad for your health.
33. Avoid super heros.
34. Avoid Regis Philbin.
35. Use high tech gadgets.
36. Write a lot.
37. Get a college degree.
38. Hate all perfumes, make up, and flowers. (That's easy if you're a guy. At least, I hope it is.)
39. Make a secret hiding place in your house and stay there when people in blue coats with yellow letters that say 'FBI' come to your house.
40. Be friendly with all authority.
41. Type fast.
42. Make sure you destroy all pictures of yourself.
43. Don't give the police department a finger print.
44. Make sure your skin is pale.
45. Be like the Brain, try to take over the world!
46. Throw things at the TV when someone says the word 'fuzzy dice'.
47. Hate reality TV show hosts.
48. Hate cable 8:00 nonsense. (PM that is)
49. Have a disability of some sort.
50. Have a private escape speed boat ready. Just in case.