It's Christmas Day
December 25th. The date that signifies Christmas Day is here. It is now 3am and Randy is asleep after drinking the Cherry last night, which was meant for today.
Even though he was asleep, he knew it was coming, i mean it had happened every year for the past seven years, obviously discounting the two stuck on the island. Every year John would enter his room dressed as Santa Claus, why? He had know idea, and he didn't want to ask.
3:15 am, Randy heard the door squeak open, and a hand appeared holding a tape recorder, which was playing tis the season to be jolly on it, the hand disappeared about ten seconds later and John came in, sure enough, he was dressed as Santa.
"Ho ho ho" John said "right, now this stocking is for John" John took a massively filled stocking and laid it on the table "and this is for Randy" John then took a small sock, which looked like it could barely fit a two year old, and placed it next to the one he already laid.
'Right where that cherry' John thought to himself, looking around he spotted it at the other end of the room with a glass to accompany it. John though soon realized it was empty when he turned to pour him self a glass, not noticing a small button rise as he lifted the bottle "Forget it" John mumbled, and placed the bottle back, which pushed the button back in, which in turn set of several components of what looked like a trap.
Sure enough, John was right, he was now in the air, with rope tied tightly round his neck, and was starting to choke.
Knowing the trap had been activated, Randy had now awaken and switched the light on "Merry Christmas John" Randy said, and raise a glass to the still hanging John
"Let me down Ra.. i mean little boy" John asked
"It will cost you $10 John" Randy replied
"Im not John, im Santa Claus" John corrected
"Ok it will cost you $10 Santa Claus" Randy replied
"Oh fine" John said, "Every year the same thing, i wonder why i bother" John muttered that to him self and managed to take a $10 note from his pocket, tossing it down to Randy, John spoke again "Let me down"
"Ok" Randy said, and pulled a knife from his draw, and with one big swipe,he cut the rope John was hanging by, which caused John to plummet to the floor.
"Oh fuck iv'e think iv'e broken my nose" John whined as he left Randy's room with a distinctive limp, Randy just simply turned out the light so he could go back to his dream of being the meat in a busty blond sandwich, that was short lived though as John came back five minutes later, who was now no longer dressed as Santa, and was also holding a tissue for his bloody nose.
"Randy, i think i heard sleigh bells, has he been?" John said, then noticed the two stockings "He has"
"John go back to bed" Randy said "It's only 3:30am, i said no present opening until 7:30am"
"Come on lets open them" John said excitedly
Randy just gave a sigh of frustration while John started on his present opening
"I wonder what it is?" John said, as he examined the present, which looked no bigger than a bouncy ball "It's a brussel sprout, that should come in handy for Christmas lunch"
(7:00am)
"It's.. It's... It's another brussel sprout" John said, meanwhile Randy was fast asleep "So that's present 114 another brussel sprout" John wrote that on a piece of paper as he said it, "we must have enough for a full Christmas lunch now" John put the brussel sprout with the rest, which also had onions, stuffing, Potato, ready to make gravy graduals, and a massive Turkey next to them "Musten forget the thank you letter to Santa, don't want us to think were ungrateful Randy.
John notices Randy asleep
"Come on Randy, you've fallen asleep again" John said, given Randy a quick shake "You not going to open yours?"
"Well i would, but there doesn't seem to be much in this small child's sock" Randy replied
"That must mean you haven't been a good boy?" John said
"Did you post my letter to Santa Claus, cause i can't see the Ferrari i asked for, or my spider man costume, or my ticket to the behalmers"
"God Randy you can't expect Santa to put expensive gifts like that into his sleigh" John replied
"Well he ought to, as i signed the letter Randy Orton ( I know where you live so don't mess about, elves break easily matey boy)"
"Whatever, anyway it's time, lets get our big one's out" John said, Randy just gave a look of horror "Oh yes big Christmas joke like do you like stuffing" John gave a small laugh as he finished "No i mean what have you got me?"
"Here you go John" Randy said, giving John a small wrapped up gift, John just stared at it "Are you going to open it?"
"No i don't think ill bother" John replied
"Why not?" Randy asked
"Well it's about twenty times too small" John answered
"It's the thought that counts" Randy pointed out
"No it's not it's the size" John shouted "Oh well might as well open it" So John does "It's a bottle of Malibu, a small bottle of Malibu, no an empty bottle of Malibu"
"Correct, merry Christmas John" Randy said
"What good is this?"
"Well you can use it to keep Malibu in, as long as you keep it away from me" Randy replied, giving a small hic up as he finished
"Right thats it" John said, and stood up, swinging his fist" John said
"Hang on, hang on im only joking, iv'e got your real present here" Randy said, and pulled a big wrapped up box from under his bed "Here's your big one"
"Oh you haven't, you haven't" John said as he opened the box "You haven't"
"What do you mean" Randy asked
"Well it's empty" John answered
"No it's not" Randy said
"No it isn't, there a used toilet roll in here" John said, picking up the toilet roll, which had paper covering one end of it.
"That is not a used toilet roll, it's a play telescope, ive drawn a picture of a naked woman on a beach on the other end" Randy said
John just gave a half hearted cough before looking through it " That's good that it's, how come she's only got one breast?"
"No that's a speech bubble, she's talking to you" Randy pointed out
"Oh yea so she is, thick earth you sad pathtic winker, wonder what she means"
"Now, wheres mine" Randy said, who was rubbing his hands together eagerly
"Oh right" John said, and made what was supposed to be some sort of exciting tune with duh's and do's "Here it is"
" What is it?" Randy asked
"It's a self portrait of me, don't you like it" John asked
"Well it's bollocks isn't it" Randy said
"No it's not it's one of mine, though he is very good, we just have similar styles thats all, in fact a lot of people say my work is bollocks" John replied, obviously not realizing's what Randy actually meant
"Where shall we put it?" John said "I know, how about in the toilet"
"That's a good idea, though i doubt the flush mechanism's could handle it" Randy said
"What" John asked confused
"I got the perfect place for it" Randy said
(Downstairs)
"Right a bit, no left a bit, up a bit, that's it right there" Randy said, taken the picture off of John and smashing it on his head, destroying the picture in the process "Yep that looks lovely"
"You bastard, it that took me ten minutes to do that" John shouted
Randy just ignored John and looked at his watch " seven o clock, another forty one hours of Christmas to go, im not gonna make it, im just gonna have to blank out in front of the tele"
"You hold it right there, you have to help me in the kitchen" John ordered
"But it's TV's most funny Christmas family accidents" Randy whined
"I don't care, now come help in the kitchen, iv'e get to get the sprouts started"
"Not sprouts, i hate sprouts" Randy whined
"Stop whining Randy, no one likes sprouts " John pointed out
"Then why are we having them" Randy asked
"Because it's Christmas" John shouted "Now peel the potatoes"
"Do you really want me to peel them, i mean their only going to incinerate so why don't we just bung them straight in the bin"
"Ok ill do all the cooking" John said "As long as you do the decorations, now Randy, crackers
"Yes, but thats never stopped me so far" Randy replied
"No have you got the crackers" John asked
"No It's just the way my trousers hang" Randy replied
"Enough of the crackers joke im talking about the things you put in your hand and pull"
"Well i have one of those but im not sticking it on the table"
John sighing frustration "Just get out my kitchen before i hit you" John said, then smacked Randy with a frying pan
"Ok point taken" Randy replied
"Right, you scrape all the dirt off the cutlery, ill start on the brandy butter" John said, and grabbed the bottle of Brandy from on top of the fridge "Where's all the brandy?"
Randy just gave a hic up in reply
"That's just great" John shouted sarcastically
"Oh calm down, because i have some vodka margarine" Randy said, and retrieved it from the fridge
"That's brilliant, but are you sure it's flammable?"
"Well I anticipated your concern, so i added a couple of cans of hair spray to it" Randy replied
"That is brilliant, now table placings, i thought I'd put you next to Paul (Big Show) because your both so horrid, by the way did you get the $4 dollars of them for the meal?"
"Yes i did" Randy answered
"Where is it"
"I spent it on the brandy"
"I don't believe it, you have been no help at all, you have done absolutely nothing to this season of good will, you haven't even brought a tree"
"Yes i have" Randy replied
"Bring it in then"
Randy does so, and places it on the table "ta-da"
"That's not a Christmas tree, it's a geranium" John pointed out
"Well, what ever it is, it cost forty two dollars" Randy replied
"Forty two dollars" John shouted
"Yea so that's twenty one dollars you owe me
"I dis pair, i really do. And look, it's half past eight"
"Half past eight and alls crap" Randy shouted
"Iv'e got to get into my kitchen. Heres a can of spray snow , now go make everything look all christmassy, I'll scrub my sprouts" John said
"I thought you were cooking" Randy replied, then was smack on the head by the frying pan John had thrown
"Fair enough" Randy said, then started making various pattens from the snow can
(Later)
"Hot enough in there for you little sprouts, or is that potatoes? Or is it the stuffing? So hard to tell everything looks the same. Good, it means it's all ready, and just in time, the guest will be here any minute. Randy is the tree ready
"Yes it is" Randy replied. He had now added several light bulbs to the geranium "There it's is. Shall i fire her up?
"Rather, get a little bit of Christmas glow going"
"Right, contact" Randy plugged it in as he spoke and one of the light bulbs exploded, setting the whole tree alight with blaze
"Er yea, thats quite a lot a Christmas glow. Shall i open the window?
"Yes i think you should" Randy answered, a picked up the now quickly burning geranium up and tossing it out the window
"There she goes, same as usual"
"Do you remember that electrician's course i went on?" Randy asked
"Yes" John replied
"Im beginning to think i should of stayed for the full half hour"
(Doorbell rings)
"The guest are here" John said "I'll go answer it"
(Doorbell rings again)
"Alright im coming. People can't wait to eat me out of house and home, parasitic bastards"
(John opens the door)
"Hello Spike how are you " John welcomed, and shook Paul's hand
"Im Spike" Spike corrected
"Oh, sorry, my eyes i really must stop masturbating" John said, while Paul and Spike and weird looks on their face's "Come in, come in"
"I thought you said he was being put away before Christmas" Paul said to Randy
"I know, they wouldn't take him" Randy replied
John comes back in
"Great, shall we have a drink then" Paul said
"Here we are, drinks coming right up" John said, and brought four drinks on a tray, with Paul taking a big mouth full
"What's that?" Paul manages to spurt out
"Gravy" John replies
"Gravy?" Paul asks
"Yes gravy, someone drank all the cherry, didn't they Randy
Randy gives a hic up in reply
"Im not drinking that" Paul said, and put his drink on the table
"Your going to drink it" John said, putting the drink back into Paul's hand
"What do you think" Paul asked Spike
"Drink it" Spike said
"Merry Christmas" Paul said, as he and John drank the gravy, while Randy threw it over his shoulder
"Is it Christmas? Today?. Merry Christmas then . That must be why that woman gave me that aftershave"
"What woman" Randy asked
"That old woman who hangs round the place, you know, what's her name, my wife. Andrea, no, no Avril. No, what am i thinking of ? Susan, that's the one"
"Ok, places, Paul your next to Randy cause your both so ghastly, and Spike your next to me"
"Whats' that smell?" Paul asked
"That's lunch" Randy answered
"Thank god for that. I thought i had an accident" Paul said
"Here we go, now Paul, one potato or two?" John asked
"Two please" Paul answered
"No, one" John said
"No, two please" Paul asked
"No, one" John said again
"Ok one" Paul said, and John put a potato on his plate, smashing it in the process
"Changed my mine, none" Paul said, as John placed a potato on everyone else's plate
"Who wants' sprouts" John said
"Sprouts, so it is Christmas then" Spike said
"Now the turkey. O h shit" John said, as he noticed the turkey was completely burnt
"Never mind, lets skip straight to the pudding. Randy switch off the lights" John said
"Right o" Randy said, and switched the lights off.
(John trips over)
"Randy, switch the lights back on" John said
"Right o" Randy replied
"Right, this time wait until i get to the pudding to switching the lights on" John ordered
"Right o" Randy replied, and went to switch the lights off
"Wait, just smearing the vodka margarine on it. Now are you sure this will sub stain the flame?"
"It should do. It's been soking for the past two weeks. Should do up a treat" Randy replied
"Ok, turn the lights out" John said
"Right o" Randy said, and switched the light off, mean while John used a lighter to set the pudding a light, which it did in impressive fashion "Oh shit" John shouted and put the pudding on the table.
Meanwhile Randy got up a put the fire out with a fire extinguisher "Well same time next year boys, merry Christmas"
"Merry Christmas" Paul ans Spike say, then left
"Next year Randy, next year will be a Christmas we'll never forget" John said
"Can hardly wait" Randy replied sarcastically
This is it. The last in the series for a while (please don't hate me), now while im not giving up on this i just want to do something new, i will come back to this when i finish my new story so don't give up all hope on it.
I wanted to end on a high and i hope this did it for you, it's my biggest (and hopefully funniest) that i have written so far, iv'e had this idea for ages and didn't want to wait until Christmas to post it.