Love Gas
After a night of trying to woo some ladies, which was very unsuccessful, Randy and John had now just returned home.
"What happand there? I just don't understand it." John said as he entered the house and switched the lights on befoe adding "I made all the right moves. I winked. I smiled – one of my nice ones as well. I sat down very nicely, leant forward, Put on my special eyes and said, "Hello, big tits, looking for some action?" And what did she say?
"I think she said no, Didn't she?" Randy answered
"That's right – no! Blasted lesbians everywhere! They should have labels on them or something! I wasted half an hour on those two,prancing up and down., winking, clenching my buttocks, backwards and forwards to the gents I was going. Look at this! I've got armfuls of gonad enhancers down here!" John said, pulling loads of toilet paper from his trousers
Randy walked over to the T.V and turned it on before replying " I don't think they were lesbians, John, because they ended up snogging other blokes. Those handsomer...wittier...well,basically, those two guys that didn't have a load of toilet paper down their trousers.
"You hardly helped, stuffing a beer bottle down your pants and shouting 'Looking for the Eiffel Tower, girls'?"
"I got a result" Randy said
"I don't call a kick in the bollocks a result!" John replied back
"A free drink!" Randy said
"You mean getting a pint in the face."
"Always keep your mouth open when you insult a lady!"
"What a waste of time! If only i could get one of them to do it with me once." John said, then turned to face Randy "What on earth are you eating?"
"Lard" Randy replied
"You are eating lard?"
"Yeah, well, im hungry but im too drunk to cook"
"All right, Randy I'll do one of my friday night fry-ups! Chuck us a couple of eggs."
Randy leaned into the fridge and threw two eggs at the frying pan John was holding, sending them everywhere.
John shrugged it off and gave a small laugh before speaking "The broken one's are the best"
Meanwhile Randy had taken a bottle from on top of the fridge and started drinking it
"Pass the cooking oil" John asked
Randy stop drinking and gave the bottle to John
"A little dab of oil, my secret ingredient" John said to himself as he tried to scrap some weird yellow stuff from a pan. Meanwhile Randy had now taken a pint of beer from his pocket( Which he carried all the way home from the pub) and laid it on the table, then fell drunkenly onto the sofa.
'Last few pints' John said to himself, pouring loads more oil into the pan. After doing that John joined Randy on the sofa.
" Why doesn't anyone ever wanna have sex with me?" John whined
"Well look on the bright side, at least you're not gonna get any sexual transmitted diseases."
"I'll be lucky to catch a flu off a girl. The nearest I've ever got to sex was when that bird on the bus sneezed all over me this mourning.Talk about the green line!"
"Cheer up, John! There's loads of ugly birds in the world. One of them is bound to do it with you sooner or later."
"But there must be some way I can get a women to sleep with me. She doesn't even have to sleep with me, it's the staying awake bit im intreasted in.
"Hey, I've just had a fantastic idea!" Randy said than drank his pint of beer
"Well?" John asked
"What?"
"What was the fantastic idea?"
"To drink that" Randy answerer pointing at the now empty pint glass
John sighed with frustration
"Only Joking!" Randy said "Why not put an ad in a lonely hearts column?"
"Yeah!"
"Yeah. 'Ugly virgin desperately seeks sex of any description'"
"That is brilliant. What should i put"
"Well lets see what everyone else puts?" Randy suggested picking up the paper "Here we are sad old git section"
"Well what do they normally put?"
"Well he's not going to get very far, is he? 'Gay?"
"Don't knock it, Randy, cuts down the field for guys like us!" John replied and took the paper from Randy "Let's have a look at this. Gay..Gay,gay,gay,gay,gay,widow,gay. Widow! Widow – busty, raven haired, millionairess...gay. Hag on this the gay section!"
"Yep" Randy said, giving John a thumbs up
"Look at this" John said, motioning Randy to come and look "Instant sex appeal! You can get it in a bottle!"
"Lets have a look," Randy said leaning over to get a look, but falling over drunkenly again
"Pheromone sex scent.Available at all good sex shops. This is it Randy, girl city here we come! What do you think?"
Randy, who had now gotten back up stagged for a few moments, then threw up all over John, soon after the frying pan burst into flames.
"You know, i think there just about done"
It was now the mourning of the next day, and John and randy were now outside of the local sex shop to get their pheromone sex scent.
"Now remember the plan, you go in, get the sex scent and come back out. Got that?"
"Why do i have to go in?" Randy whined
"Because im a well respected, higher member of society, and can't be seen walking into sex shops. Now get in there" John replied, giving Randy a hard shove through the door
"Can i help you, sir?" the bloke from behind the cash register asked
"This is a sex shop, isn't it?" Randy asked, looking visibly nervous and embarrassed at the same time
"Yes" The bloke replied
"I'll have five dollars worth, then!" Randy said, and gave a nervous laugh
"Very good. Never heard that one before" The bloke replied, rather sarcastically
"Shall i tell it again?"
"No. I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum"
"You've been working here too long, mate!"
"Randy" John whispered, but still loud enough for Randy to here
"What?"
"Get the sex scent"
"Can i help you, sir" the bloke shouted towards, John
"No" John replied
"Do you wish to purchase any thing to assist you with your sex life?"
A few other people who were inside glanced towards John
"What are you implying? That im sexually inadequate? Well im not"
"Would you get out then, sir"
"N..no." John said very nervously
"Why not"
"It's a screat" John replied before whispering to Randy again "Get the pheromone!" obviously not quiet enough
"Pheromone, sir" The bloke shouted "That's the sex spray for inadequate men who are unable to attract women?"
"That's the one, yes" Randy said nervously, while more people were now watching what was happening
"Isn't it, sir" The bloke shouted towards, John.
"I wouldn't know. Im not some saddo who needs it"
"Your sex spray, gentleman" The bloke shouted, and slammed two cans on the counter
"I've got it" Randy said
"Fantastic, give me mine! Lets go" John shouted and ran out the door
"You still have to pay for those" The bloke shouted
Randy stood still for a second, then ran out the shop as well.
After there small embarrassing experience at the sex shop, John and Randy are now ready to go out, and give their love gas a try.
"You ready, Randy?"
"Sure am" Randy replied, entering the lounge area wearing a suit and tie
"Good, let's put the spray on" John suggested, and started spraying himself
"I've already got on half a bottle" Randy replied
"Half a bottle? Are you insane! You'll be dead by morning! Death by sex! I think I'll put on half a bottle as well! Where are those Condoms we used to have?"
"We stuck them on our heads remember? When Eddie 'I'll do anything for Vodka' Geurrero gave us his home made beer."
"Great days, they were! Great days! Not too worry. We can get them at the pub."
"This is gonna work" John said enthusiastically as he and Randy entered the pub "Did you see those two girls on that street corner, begging for it there were"
" Look at that sexy, hot female there" Randy pointed out
"Oh yea, I'll see you later, im going in" John said
"Ok, good luck, skipper" Randy replied, giving John a quick shake of the hand
"Why, hello" John said, taking a seat next to woman "I know what your thinking, that uncontrollable urge you have right now, to rip my clothes off and have sex with me, so lets skip the talking, and go back to my place
"What do you think your doing with my wife?" A huge towering man asked
"He's gonna have sex with her" Randy said, butting in
The bloke turned angry, and grabbed John by the love spuds, squeezing them hard several times " I don't think he is. He's not capable anymore!"
"You ok" Randy asked, as he helped John back up
"Im ok, but did you see that?"
"Yea, bet that hurt"
"No not that, that woman was begging for it. If it hadn't been for that gorilla, I'd have been well away! She was mesmerized!"
"This is our night" Randy said excitedly
"Sure is, come on. We'll get the drinks and go on the prowl."
"Great"
"Landlord, two half beers please"
"In pint glasses" Randy added
"Certainly, Randy" The landlord replied " And how are we tonight?"
"Yep" Randy replied, while John gave himself another quick spraying
"What's that smell? Smell like the drains have gone again"
"Look at those two there" Randy pointed out
"Great" John replied
"That will be $1.60, please" The landlord said
"Stick it on my tab" Randy replied
"You don't have one"
"Yes, we have
"No, you haven't'
"I demand to see the landlord!"
"I am the landlord"
"I know."
"We have this conversation every night! $1.60"
"There you are, vampire" John shouted
"Leech!" Randy added
"Bloodsucker"
"Parasite"
"Shut up!"
"Right, lets go" John said, and he and Randy joined the two female on the table
"Can we help you" The blonde on asked
"Why, yes you can" John replied
"Is that one mine" Randy said, pointing to the red-head
"Yes"
"Right, I'd better get started, then" Randy said inching closer to her, and gave her a spray with the sex scent "What's it to be, your place or ours"
"Randy" John said
"Yes"
"We better get the condoms" John whispered
"Ok" Randy whispered back
"Excuse us ladies, we'll be right back" John said, and went into the toilets, with Randy close behind
"What kind do you want?" John asked
"Rubber ones" Randy answered
"Yeah, but there's ribbed, there's ticklers and there's ultra-sensitive."
"Ripped?" Randy asked "Who would want a ripped condom"
"Must be for people who want to get pregnant. Well, I don't think ultra-sensitive is our style, do you?"
"No" Randy replied with a wild grin
"Ticklers it is then, what colour?"
"What do they have?"
"There's Black, red, U.S strips, or leopead skin."
"U.S obviously"
"Right, a U.S tickler, hang on, what flavor?
"Flavor?"
"Yeah, there's Banana, Strawberry, Peanut Butter, marmite or cheese and onion."
"Well, everyone likes cheese and onion, don't they?"
"Right, a cheese and onion flavored U.S strip tickler it is" John said, and inserted the money into the machine and pressed the nessorcery buttons "Bastard"
"What?" Randy asked
"It's took my money" John replied, giving the machine a whack
"Hang on, Hang on! Im the DIY expet. Right, lets have a look. Yeah i see the problem"
"What is it?"
"This" Randy replied, and gave the machine two very hard whacks, leaving a huge dent in it.
"Give me my condoms, there two women out there who want to do it with me, Ah" John turned to see the bloke who squzeed his balls earlier standing behind him
"You wanna what?" The bloke asked
"He wants to do it to those two women at the bar" Randy answered for John
The bloke just clenched his fist and smacked John right in his face and sending him backward into the condom machine with a thud, which resulted in loads coming out the machine.
"Look! We got em. Lets go"
"Great"
"There gone" John cried as he returned to the table"
meanwhile, Randy was now staggering about" Come on, John, let me at them. Im a sex typhoon. Hello baby!" Randy said, picking up a chair
"Randy, that is a chair"
"Yeah, bit of all right, isn't it?"
"Calm down. Someone has nicked our women! Oh,no, there they are! In the corner" John pointed out and walked over to them "Were back"
"This is a private conversation." The blonde said annoyingly
"Carry on. We'll just sit and listen, but you better hurry up, we haven't got all night" John said, trying to sound seductive
"No, im sorry. We'd rather be on our own." The red head replied
"Oh, I get it. Your deciding which one of us you want, aren't you?" John said. Meanwhile Randy was in awe at his own hand.
" Well, before you decide let me tell you that 'Tiny' Randy here and I, share the same flat, so don't worry, you'll both be waking up in the same house. Or, if you play your cards right, you could wake up in the same bed"
"Look you have the wrong idea, were lesbians" The blond replied
"You're what!" John shouted
"Were lesbians" The blonde said again
"Is this a joke? Because if it is it isn't very funny!"
"Come on, lets go" The blonde motioned to her friend
"Wait!" John shouted running in front of the two ladies "Look, I'm terribly sorry, i have been terribly intolerant. It's not your fault you're lesbians. Come back to my place and ill cure you"
All John received from that were two slaps round the face.
"Might as well go home now" John said dejectedly to himself
"High baby" A male voice from behind spoke.It was Randy "You smell great. Lets do it"
"Randy! It's me, John"
"Come on" Randy said suddectively "Have me"
By now, John was terrified, and did the only thing he could think of. He punched Randy in the face and ran, ran till he was back home.
"Oh god, Poor randy" John said, leaning against the door "This sex scent has turned him into a sex beast, god, please don't let him come home"
That night, John, didn't sleep a wink. He was scared that Randy would show up in his sleep and do unspeakable things to him.
Randy never returned that night. In fact it wasn't until twelve in the afternoon that he did return.
"Randy!" John schriked
"What the hell happened? Last thing i remember was getting those condoms, then suddenly three weird blokes were sticking inspicable things in me"
"It's ok, Randy, Your ok now, just go to bed." John said
As Randy made his way upstairs, a smirk appeared on his face "Sucker, I knew he would fall for the coming on to his mate trick" Randy thought to himself "If he really knew what I've been doing, he would be jealous for the rest of his life" Randy stood in front of his room for a second, remembering the amazing night he had.
Here it is, now i know I said that the last one was the last, but I've been having loads of idea's lately and so im starting it up again. Hope you enjoyed it.