Ch. 20 – Confessions
Christine wheeled Elsa through the gardens, as the autumn wind tossed the leaves about playfully. The day was brisk, but the fall sunshine shone brilliantly, and the sky was a deep azure blue. Elsa could no longer walk in her beloved garden anymore. Even in her wheelchair, she tired easily. Christine swallowed the lump in her throat as she remembered the words of the doctor, "Cancer, I'm afraid. There is nothing I can do. It has spread throughout her body. She hasn't much time..." Christine forced her voice to remain cheerful, pointing out different kinds of birds in the trees and telling little anecdotes from her life in the ballet dormitories. Elsa raised a hand, reaching up to pat Christine's own behind her. "My dear, would you mind terribly if we go inside. I'm feeling a bit weary." Christine quickly obliged her, calling a trusted servant to lift her beloved friend and carry her up the enormous stairway to her room.
When Christine was satisfied that Elsa was comfortable, she turned to leave, but Elsa touched her arm to stop her. "Darling, I am feeling much better now, and I would love for us to have one of our chats, just like we used to in the garden." Those brilliant blue eyes full of kindness and intelligence that Christine had come to adore were alert and adamant, so there could be no question of argument.
Christine drew a chair alongside the bed and sat down to face her dear friend. Her soft eyes took in the pallor of Elsa's normally pink cheeks and flawless skin. No, it would not be long, she thought sadly. She brushed Elsa's fine white hair back from her handsome face. It occurred to her that all through their relationship, Elsa had always been the caretaker, lending Christine her strength. Now in Elsa's last days, Christine was determined to return the favor to the woman who had been so like a mother to her these past few years. She waited patiently for Elsa to speak, knowing the effort was difficult for her.
"My darling Christine," Elsa began, tears gathering in her eyes. Oh, how I will miss this sweet child when I at last leave this world, she thought. Christine took her hand, stroking it soothingly as Elsa had so often done for her after a nightmare. Elsa seemed to regain her composure, beginning again, keeping her words careful and even, "There are some secrets that are meant to be taken to the grave, and there are others that need to see the light of day, so that they may cease to haunt us at last. It has come time for me to tell you two secrets, both of which I am afraid may come as quite a shock to you, but both which I believe in time you will come to understand and accept." She closed her eyes for a moment, and then touched Christine's cheek. "The first has to do with your dear father." She watched Christine for signs of her reaction, but Christine merely squeezed her hand, urging her to say what had troubled her for so long. Elsa continued, "Remember when we had our talk in the garden on the very first day after you arrived?" Christine nodded slowly. "I told you then that I understood your position perhaps too well. I understood because I too had been divided once between two great loves. The first being my eventual husband, dear Arthur, and the second being your father." Christine seemed mildly surprised, but waited patiently for her to continue.
Elsa sighed wearily, "I was betrothed to my future husband from the time I was very young. Our families often spent time together, and we became close friends, unaware that we were one day to be husband and wife. When I was thirteen, my mother informed me of the engagement, and when I was fifteen, it was announced formally. Arthur left for a time, to attend training as a member of the Royal Guard, while I studied different subjects from my home with the assistance of various tutors." Her eyes flickered with memories from long ago. "My music tutor was a particularly gifted man, a genius, if you will. He was a young widower who had recently emigrated from Sweden with a young daughter to raise." Christine's eyes filled with tears as she began to understand. "He was so good, so honest, so devoted to you. Even in my youth, I felt drawn to his sadness, to his brilliance, to his music. Before long, we were both so in love, we knew not what to do." Elsa looked down at the wedding band that still adorned her left hand.
"It was hopeless, we both knew it, and yet we were powerless to stop it. Your father was an honorable man, and he knew I was pledged to another, so he kept his distance out of respect for me and for Arthur. Eventually, Arthur returned home and the wedding was arranged. Your father came to me on my wedding day, to release me, to give me his blessing for a happy marriage. After he left, I called for Arthur, intending to confess everything to him, but when he came, all I could think of was my dear childhood friend, whom I also loved." She looked at Christine intently, "You see, my dear, I did not at that time, have the courage that you had, the strength to speak the truth, no matter what consequences it may bring. And the ruin that it brought upon me and my two loves was most ruthless. I was miserable in my marriage at first, and Arthur was desperate to please me. He remembered that I had been so very happy during my study of music, and so he suggested unknowingly that we become your father's patrons. God forgive me, I could not resist the idea of having him so close, even if we could never share one embrace."
Elsa's head dropped in shame and remorse, tears finally spilling down her soft cheeks. "I brought about our destruction, all of ours, with my unfaithfulness. My heart and body belonged to my husband, but my mind and soul belonged to your father. It ate away at us all, until eventually both Arthur and your father became very ill. I lost them both within mere months of each other. I accepted it as my punishment from God that I should continue to live on without either of the men I had loved so desperately, knowing that it was my weakness and dishonesty that had brought about their suffering." She sobbed helplessly, as if her secret had been burning her inside all these years, and the pain of it had finally become unbearable. She raised her still lovely face up to meet Christine's eyes, silently pleading, her voice breaking, "My dear, my deepest regret is that of all the people I hurt with my actions, it was you who suffered most of all. Because of me, you lost your father, the man who had been your life for so long." She turned away in shame. Her sobbing had ceased, and she stared at the wall lost in thought, seeming very fragile, and finally looking her age.
Christine took a moment to collect all her scrambled thoughts. What she had heard tonight had surely come as a shock to her, and yet it in some ways it had not. When she looked back now, it all made sense. The lovely teas in the garden, just her, her father, and Elsa; the anguished looks between the two that as a child she had not understood - all of it finally fit together. Christine looked up, and this time, it was she who took Elsa's chin in her hand and turned it gently to face her. Her eyes shining with tears, she whispered softly, "You took nothing from me, Elsa. As you told me once, your only sin was in not knowing your own heart. You loved my father; that is no sin to me, and his death was caused by consumption, not by your decision to marry another. You have given me the greatest gift I could ever have been given – a mother. You are the only mother I have ever known, and I think perhaps God put you in my father's life for that very purpose. You have given me so much, Elsa. I could never condemn you for what you have done only out of the love of your generous heart. Thank you, dear friend, for everything." Christine smiled at her lovingly, no hint of reproof in her dark eyes, only understanding.
For a moment, Elsa was silent, then quietly she whispered, "Thank you, Christine, you do not know what it means to hear that from the very girl I have always considered to be as an adopted daughter to me." Elsa leaned forward, hugging Christine to her, silently thanking her for her understanding and acceptance. She pulled back at last, "I love you, darling Christine, and I so wish for you to be happy..." she trailed off fingering one of Christine's curls absently. Then suddenly, her eyes lit up and a knowing smile dawned across her face, making her seem once again the lovely and energetic woman she had always been. "Ah yes, and now for the second secret," her eyes sparkled with excitement, "and it is a wonderful one!"
She reached over to the drawer in the nightstand alongside her bed and pulled a familiar piece of paper from it. With her hands trembling, she put the piece of paper securely into Christine's hand, closing her fingers around it tightly as if it were a rare jewel. Christine opened her hand slowly and stared at the paper, reading what appeared to be an address. After a moment, she looked up at Elsa with an obvious question in her eyes.
Elsa's smile broadened, "I wish I could claim this gift, Christine, but in truth it is Raoul's gift to you that was entrusted to my keeping for a time." She sought Christine's eyes, wanting to savor every second of her reaction to the news she was about to receive. Grasping Christine's hands in hers, with her eyes never leaving her face she spoke carefully, "That address in your hand, my dear is where you may find your Angel at last." Christine's face was blank for a moment, but then her eyes registered confusion and shock. She wondered fleetingly if her friend had somehow lost her sanity in the wake of her illness. Christine stood slowly, "I think I will call for the doctor, Elsa. I do not believe you are well." She shook her head. "My Angel is dead. He has been dead for over two years now. It cannot be possible..." And yet, even though she said the words with absolute certainty, hope began to spread through her body like a drug.
Elsa laughed, her delight in Christine's reaction erasing all memory of her pain earlier in the evening. "I know, you goose, and I am in perfect control of my mental faculties, thank you very much." She giggled like a young girl. "I'm sorry my dear, but I am so happy for you, I am afraid I am not able to make much sense." She composed herself and tried once more to explain. "For whatever reason, your Angel obviously wanted you and everyone else to believe he was dead. But Raoul hired men to keep track of him following the disaster at the Opera House, and they assured him shortly after the article was published that he was very much alive."
Tears began to stream down Christine's face now, as she dared to believe her ears. "Apparently, your Angel is now a highly acclaimed architect and composer who is doing quite well for himself, living in a lovely manor on the sea outside the city of Nice."
Elsa had quieted now, calming from her giddy excitement, and instead sat enjoying the waves of joy that she watched wash over Christine's face. She read and reread the address as if it might disappear and she needed to memorize it, just in case. She looked up at Elsa with a brilliant smile and sheer unadulterated joy radiated from her. She glowed with it. It at once occurred to Elsa that she had never seen Christine as truly happy as she was in that moment. That alone was enough for her to know she had done the right thing. Whatever this man's sins, there must be a great deal of good in him as well for him to inspire such adoration in this extraordinary young woman's eyes.
A searing stab of pain ripped through her body, but she steadied herself so that Christine would not see. There was something more she needed to say. Elsa suddenly grew very serious and lifted Christine's face to meet her eyes. "Christine, promise me something. After I am gone, promise me you will find this man and tell him all that you told me. No matter how he reacts to your return, this man loved you once, and he loves you still. Promise me you will not let yourself be parted from him again. Fight for him, if you have to, but do not let him go. If you can promise me that much, I can die in peace knowing you will be happy and cared for." Christine felt frightened by the finality of Elsa's sudden strong words, but she nodded solemnly, promising truthfully that she would do all in her power to find him and claim his love at last.
The excitement of the evening had drained Elsa, and now that it was over, her exhaustion was evident. Christine carefully tucked her in, and then gently placed a kiss on the older woman's soft forehead, whispering simply, "Thank you Elsa. Good night." Silently, she left the room.
Alone in her bed at last, Elsa sighed deeply. Her work was complete. Christine would be happy, of that she was certain. All her secrets were revealed, and all her ties to this world were severed. With a sigh and a smile, she closed her eyes to rejoin her two lost loves at last.