In Secret
Disclaimer: Not mine. Belong to Squarsoft and Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
A/N: Please, don't have a heart attack. I am here! I would never leave you. Truth be told, I've been kind of depressed lately. I just haven't got the urge to write. I've updated a few stories that I really needed to. But no one reads them. Here, with the Quall fans, is where my home is. I think I'm going to put all my other fics on hold until this one is finished. . .Yes finished. (With the exception of Dark Days, Black Nights, I just have too much fun writing that.) So I'm going to have to buckle down and get this done.
I can't express how sorry I am for not finishing. Whenever I see that someone reviewed, I get so excited. I've really started to question my writing skills and just thought there wasn't a point anymore. However, a few reviewers started to pester me (and I'm so glad they did) to start again. You know who you are.;)
Chapter Six:
He stared at her. It hadn't quite registered what she had said. The last words that fell from those full lips seem to echo in the silent room. Tilting his head, he moved his body closer to her. No, she couldn't have said that. Quistis would never. . .She bolted a tad bit when she saw him advancing on her. Her action confirmed his worse fear. But still, he had to hear her say it again.
"What?" Squall whispered. Quistis gazed at him as if he were a dangerous snake. Eyeing him with an uncharacteristically shrewd expression, she dipped her head low to look into his eyes.
"Look, I don't know you. So– " she held her hands out in front of her as he inched slightly forward. "please stop."
Parting her pink lips, she took in a shaky breath. When she did, her chest rattled. Quickly, her tender hands flew to her collar and she winced in pain. Closing her eyes briefly, Quistis slid her smooth fingers over her pale skin while swiftly ran her tongue across her teeth. Her lashes fluttered open and she continued to peer sharply at him.
"My head hurts." she sighed. The tips of her nails grazed the small bandage that was wrapped snugly around her brow. "Where am I again?" she asked weakly, staring at her surroundings.
"You fell." Squall answered rapidly. "Quistis, what do you mean? You don't know me?"
Quistis dropped her arms to her side and let her eyes travel over Squall's features. He gaped back. Gazing into her icy irises, they held nothing but pure nativity and ignorance. Everything they had ever made together was gone. He immediately shot that idea out of his mind. So what if Quistis's eyes were slightly hollow? That could just be a side effect of her concession. Perhaps her not being able to recognize him was just her coming out of her deep slumber. Once she fully awoke, she'd see him and throw her arms around him. She would plant delicious kisses all over his face. Whispering to him for comfort while coaxing him into making love to her on the hospital bed.
Perhaps. . . .
"Am I supposed to?" she asked uncertainly.
Bitting her bottom lip, her expression changed from suspicious to worried. Bringing her fingers away from her forehead, she ran them gently down her tender lips. The cast of her face caught in horrid realization. She turned her eyes to Squall, who was watching her studiously. A terrorizing sensation was spreading throughout him, shooting up and down from his head to his toes, paralyzing his insides.
She was blank. Everything was white. There was no depth in her sparkling sapphires. No wisdom in her countenance. Not a trace of experience clung to her poster. All of her being seemed to glow with unfamiliarity. A ghastly idea swept through his mind before he could so much as cast it out. This was not his wife. This was not his Quistis. This girl. . . . was not the woman who he had spent last night with. She was blank.
Shaking his head slightly, he tried to wake himself up from this nightmare. Trying to rid himself of this hateful dream. She had finally come home to him. She was back in his arms once more. He had thought nothing could keep them apart now. This wasn't real. He'd wake up, she'd remember, and they'd continue their life together. Everything they had endured in the last year couldn't just fly out of her because of a tiny bump on her head. It was silly! It was ludicrous!
But it was happening.
She couldn't forget all those hot kisses they had shared in the dark. All the touching. The whispers and gasps. Quistis couldn't lose the solid bond they had shared for so long now. He couldn't lose it. Squall had worked too hard to be with her. They had sacrificed. . .risked so much to be married. And now he was about to get it taken away from him in less than twenty-four hours?
"Sir?" Quistis's voice suddenly startled him. "Are you okay?"
Sir. . . Not honey. Not darling. Not even Squall. . .Sir.
Determination began to rush through his body like lava. Boiling in his stomach, fire coursing in his veins. She would remember. He wouldn't lose her. Not now. Not when he had found true love in his best friend. Making a sharp move, he grasped her fragile hand with his strong one. She jumped in surprise and tried weakly to pull away. Squall gripped her tighter, not willing to let her go.
"What are you doing?" Quistis whimpered. Her tone was so scared, he was sure she would faint in his arms. He could feel her shaking like a terrified puppy. Her hand quivered and her voice shook as he burned his eyes into hers.
"Look at me." he demanded. His voice soft but firm. She did. Fear he never knew Quistis Trepe could feel reflected back at him. Never, in all the years he had known her, had she looked so petrified. Squall could see her mind working furiously. Trying to read his thoughts. "What's my name?"
Her head shook slightly. Telling him she couldn't think. He clasped fast to her tiny hands. Gravely forcing himself to stare deeper into her.
"What's my name?" he repeated. She winced in pain at his grip.
"I don't– I don't know." the fright in her voice was becoming stronger. Her gaze was now fixed on her hands, at her knuckles that were now turning white. "Please let me go."
Panic was winding inside his mind. She couldn't tell him his name. Perhaps if he reminded her, it would spark her memory. Quistis was now vainly tearing her cold hands away from his sweaty palms. However, he was much too strong for her.
"My name's Squall." His heart was hammering against his ribcage. Now his brow was perspiring more than ever. "Squall Leonhart." the words flowed from his lips like wine. They dripped and he knew he'd spill some on her. Squall's tongue was so thick, making it hard for him to form a sentence. "You know that name, right?"
She was trembling terribly now. Her entire body quaking uncontrollably against his. He had to fight to breathe. Just last night he had felt her skin do this. . . but under much different circumstances. Regaining a grip on himself, he forced her to look at him.
"No. I don't know that name." Quistis responded trying to level her twittering voice. Her eyes were now glassy and dim. Her lips quivered as her breath shakily drew away. A large burden weighed down on his shoulders.
"Yes you do." his voice wasn't soft anymore. Everything in him was rising. She had to remember. . .she couldn't forget. He'd help her. Help her to see what she was saying. Help her to understand the lunacy of it all.
"You're hurting me." she pleaded. At the sight of a clear drop of water trickling from her lashes, Squall slid his fingers gently from her hands up to her forearms, wrapping around them firmly.
"Say my name." he said loudly. She moved her head from side to side, telling him she wouldn't. "Say my name!" now he was almost shouting.
If she said it, it would come back to her. All they had shared. Everything the two had endured. . . together and apart. If she only just said his name.
"Stop it!" she cried. Quistis began to wrench herself away from him. Trying as hard as she could to get some distance between them. Yet, he was much too heavy.
The weight of the air was now hurting him. His hands moved upward and clung to her shoulders. Trying to get her to settle down. She didn't. Shoving her hands into his chest, she feebly pushed him away, a scowl appearing on her face when she saw that he wouldn't budge. His heart fell into his belly. If she were really his Quistis, he'd be flat on his back, panting because she had knocked the wind out of him. Not fruitlessly swatting him away like a pesky fly.
No. Squall wasn't going to give up yet. Shaking her violently; hoping to arouse some automatic battle skills, the clip in her hair fell, making her honey hair fall messily into her bloodshot eyes.
"Get away!" All her strength began to pour out of her as she smacked him as hard as she could. Striking his shoulders. His stomach. Even his neck. Alas, she didn't even get him to wince. "Let me go!"
"Look at me!" he bellowed. His lungs were beginning to suffocate with the thick atmosphere. If she just stared into his eyes like she had last night. If she whispered his name, everything would come back to her. "My name is Squall Leonhart! Tell me you know that name! Say it!"
Her thrashing claws raked over his chest. He could feel her stomach twist against his. She was gasping as she tried to breathe. Her legs rose up from the bed and she jammed them into his sides. It didn't hurt. None of the blows he was receiving hurt. Even so, Squall had never been in so much pain. The truth was starting to overpower his senses. His heart was set to stone and he knew that his life was about to change. . .for the worst.
Still, he had to try.
"Tell me you know who I am!"
His hands were now rush over her neck. To her jaw. And finally resting on each side of her face. Her soft hair wilting underneath his fingers. Quistis's face was hot and flushed. Now her body convulsed in alarm and confusion. He could feel the turmoil raging off her.
"Tell me you recognize me." Squall's tone calmed. Just as soon as the words dribbled from his lips, Quistis settled her limbs. She faintly pushed against him. Her shoulders hunched and her head sagged like an infant who had misbehaved. "Please. . ." something in Squall's throat tightened.
He had never felt this way since his childhood. A painful knot developed just above his Adams-apple and he tried to swallow it away. Then, a faint stinging entered the corners of his eyes. He shut his lids tight, willing it to stop. After a moment, he noticed that he was shaking just as bad as Quistis. He wanted it to stop, he attempted it to stop. But it didn't
The whole day's events seem to flood through him. His reunion with Quistis. . . .Her lips over his. . . .The feel of her hands sliding down his back. . . .The sound of her voice. . . .Telling him she loved him. . . .Her smile. . . . Seeing her body convulse as she coughed up blood. . . .Watching her fall. . . .The sickening thud as she landed on the Garden floor. . . .Laying deathly still on the bed. . . .The fear in her eyes as she peered into his face. . . .
The stinging in his eyes became stronger. He twisted his face. Willing it to go away.
Quistis had stopped struggling. He could feel her eyes glaring intently at him. For the first time that night, he wished she would look away. She was pressed tightly against him. Her heart beating softer and softer as her breathing slowed. The quivering of her skin was now down to a dull shiver. Opening his eyes, he gazed desperately into hers. She still looked scared. Her eyebrows netted together apprehensively. Wondering what he would do next.
"Please tell me you know me." he sighed.
She tilted her head. He fought the urge to stroke her untidy hair away from her beautiful face. Her long bangs framed her features, sending shadows cascading over her. Quistis blinked, gulped, and parted her delicate lips.
"I'm sorry." she whispered. Two tears slid down her smooth cheeks. "I'm sorry, I don't know you." she then broke down completely.
The air that had been so heavy suddenly crashed all around them. He couldn't breathe. Squall was sure his heart had died when a females voice made him jump.
"What is going on?"
Dr. Kadowaki stood in the doorway with an expression of mixed rage and confusion. He pulled away from a shattered Quistis who was now weeping silently into her hands. Kadowaki's gaze traveled from Squall. . .to Quistis. . .and back to Squall again. Her usually smooth face looking haggard and worn.
"Leave now Mr. Leonhart." Kadowaki pointed at the doorway. He stalked quietly into the hall, trying not to listen to Quistis's heartbreaking sobs.
I I I
"Did I scare you?" Zell asked slyly to a very peeved Seifer. Zell had just attempted to pull one of his kung-foo moves, letting his foot stop about three centimeters from Seifer's face.
"No." he replied irritated. "What's the word that's the exact opposite of scary?"
Zell stared off into space, and blank utterance smeared on his tattooed face.
"Tacos?"
Seifer rolled his eyes. The power was finally up and running again. It only took till six o'clock this evening. Everyone in the garden had been freezing their backsides off. The storm wasn't getting any better as well. It had been an entire twenty-four hours since it had first begun. And it was still going strong. Not that he minded. Storms were especially romantic. Seifer needed any romantic excuse he could find to be with Rinoa.
Almost everything reminded him of Rinoa. The blackness of the clouds shown in her stormy hair. The dark sky reflected her deep eyes. Even the way the hallway lights dimmed warmly made him think of her smile. He was happy to be with her. No matter that he had taken her away from. . .
"Hey! Is that Squall?" Zell shouted, cutting though Seifer's concentration.
He squinted, trying to follow Zell's gaze. It was hard to see. The vague haze of a man sitting on a bench through the glowing low lights came in clearer as the two got closer. The stranger was sitting with his head in his hands. His scraggly hair falling every which way. His coat was off and onto the floor making his white shirt shine in the dark hall. Yes, it certainly was Squall.
Speak of the Devil. . . .
"Hey Squall! What's up?" Zell inquired gleefully, slapping him on the back. Squall, however, didn't appear to even hear him.
"He wuss!" Seifer prodded, trying to get his attention. "Why are you sitting here so late?"
Just then, Seifer looked up to see that Squall was sitting right across from the hospital wing. Immediately, he felt like an asshole. Squall was probably having to aid some rookie solder who had gotten wounded in training.
"Are you okay?" he tried again, softening his voice. This time, he got Squall's notice. Lifting his head up, he peered oddly at Seifer and Zell, his hands covering his nose and mouth.
"Quistis had an accident." he muttered, his voice muffled by his fist.
Seifer was a bit startled at that. He had heard a high officer had gotten injured while trying to rescue a few kids. Nonetheless, he hadn't seen Rinoa and Irvine since this morning and had no idea who it was. He had thought it had been someone who he didn't know. Not Quistis. Not the woman who could kick any man's ass. His included.
"Oh that's right!" Zell piped in. "I heard a female cadet was hurt this morning!"
"Is she okay?" Seifer felt a pang of guilt fly into his chest. He had not treated Quistis very well in the last few months. True, the two seemed to have some unspoken truce since their little spat. But he could never forget how he had treated her on their last date. And when he had gotten wasted.
"I don't know." Squall grunted.
Perhaps Seifer had imagined it, but something flashed behinds Squall's eyes that he had never seen before.
He looked terrified.
Just then, Dr. Kadowaki rounded the corner from the hospital room. Dark circles hung under her hazel eyes. Her mouth was set, and her lips were pressed together tightly making her mouth look like a deep scar. Squall stood slowly, wobbling a bit like his knees were made of silicon.
"What happened?" was all that fell from his mouth.
Kadowaki looked at him over her specticals. A rather annoyed indication cast over her face. Her mouth slightly open, eyebrows raised, she took a step nearer to the three of them.
"She's got amnesia." She said it simply, as though she were telling him what the weather looked like outside.
"You're joking." Zell hushed. His eyes were bigger than when the cafeteria was fresh out of hotdogs.
"I wish I was." Kadowaki sighed. She ran her long hand over her tired face. "I hate this, I feel like I'm in a damn Soap Opera."
"I thought you said that she had traces of Paramox in her system?" Squall asked, his eyes round like saucers.
"She did. But that's not what gave her amnesia. It probably occurred when she wacked her head after she tumble down the stairs."
Silence followed this. Neither of them knew what to say. What could they say? Seifer shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other while he stared fixedly at the ground.
"What the hell did you do to her anyway?" Seifer glanced up. Kadowaki was staring at Squall who, in turn, had turned away.
"What do you mean?" Seifer asked. Kadowaki veered her eyes to him.
"I went in there to see how Miss Trepe was doing. When I walked in, she was sitting with Mr. Leonhart on the bed weeping." She peered back at Squall. "She was scared to death, poor thing."
"I didn't mean to scare her!" Squall snapped. His mouth turned down and his eyes blazed. Upon seeing Kadowaki's expression, he found a great interest in his shoes. "I was just confused." he tailed off. Kadowaki sighed.
"Well, so is she. She was extremely worked up. It took me forever to calm her down."
"How is she now?" asked Zell, who was staring at Squall as though he had never seen him before.
"She's resting. I would advise all of you not to disturb her." There was a pause. She seemed to be gathering her thoughts before she turned back to Squall. "I need you to tell me what happened after she woke up."
It was Squall's turn to sigh. He rubbed a rough hand over his dry mouth. It was then that Seifer noticed how exhausted he looked. His eyes were glazed at he slouched as though he were about to fall asleep standing up. Dark circles hung around his lids and his tan skin was slicked with sweat.
"She didn't recognize me." He mumbled. Staring off into space, his expression turned troublesome. "She didn't even know my name."
At this, Kadowaki pressed both her hands together. Her face look equally distressed. Stepping forward, she placed a soft hand on Squall's elbow.
"I'm afraid she couldn't tell you her own name. She doesn't know where she is. What year it is. Who she is or– "she eyed Squall up and down "who you are."
Squall buried his face in his hands.
"What are we going to do?" The doctor shrugged.
"I don't know how bad her case is, Mr. Leonhart. I'm going to have to run a few tests. After that I can tell you what to do. What I do know for sure, is that you are going to have to surround her with familiar things. Something that could possibly trigger her memory." She stared at the three of them. "You'd better go to bed. It's been a hard enough day. Get some sleep."
She turned on her heel and disappeared back into the infirmary. They started to walk back to their dorms. Seifer still couldn't believe it. Quistis had amnesia. Kadowaki was right. This was like something out of a Soap Opera. He half expected to find out that he was actually dating Rinoa's evil twin, Rinwanda. This was just too much to think about. But Quistis would be okay. Wouldn't she? After all, this was Quistis Trepe they were talking about. She was one of the strongest women in the Garden. Everything would turn out fine.
They all rounded the corner to the dorm hall.
"You think she'll be all right?" Zell quizzed, his eyes looking fearsome.
"Yeah. I mean, come on! It's Quistis." Zell nodded, but he did not look convinced.
"Yeah," he replied. "it's Quistis."
It was then that Seifer noticed that Squall was not with them.
I I I
"I don't know about this." Quistis grinned. "I'm not usually trained for this kind of thing." She carefully turned the gunblade over in her hands as if it were a glass egg. Letting the orange light of the setting sun bounce off.
"Well," Squall crept closer to her. The cool air of the night making him long for warmth. "I'll guess I'll have to teach you."
She regarded him over the rim of her glasses. One eyebrow raised, her mouth twitching ever so slightly. Squall couldn't help the fast smile that was spreading over his face. The faint odor of lilac wafted over before engulfing him completely. He skimmed the ground around him. There weren't lilacs anywhere. It was Quistis.
"I'm more of an expert with a whip." She cracked her wrist into the air, holding her imaginary weapon.
"Those are nice, if you're trying to tame a lion." He was now much too close to her.
Quistis smiled.
"With those, you can tame much more than a lion." She picked up the gunblade and aimed it at the nearest tree. The hill they were on made good target practice. Squall had used it many times during training.
"See, you're holding it wrong." Squall chuckled. Quistis lowered it immediately. Her eyebrows raised and her mouth open. Challenging him. "Here, let me show you."
He inched his way around her. Pressing his stomach to her back, he let his fingers travel to her waist. She inhaled quickly, a small gasp escaped her throat in surprise. Slowly, he lay his palms flat around her sides and felt her shudder slightly. He tried his best not to do the same.
She couldn't know how he felt. If she did, he might lose her forever.
He hated to admit it, but his small crush on his battle companion was turning a tiny bit more complicated than he would've liked. Ever since he had finally admitted to himself his feelings for her, he had slowly found himself indulging in her company. On more than one occasion, he caught himself luring her into secluded areas. Nothing big, he just wanted to spend a little alone time with her.
And that's exactly what he was doing now.
He still wondered if she was entirely oblivious to his infatuation with her. Once in a great while, he would catch her eyeing him suspiciously. Then he would wonder if she was aware of his little crush. Nonetheless, just as quickly as it had come, her astute glances would vanish and they would be back to enjoying one another's time.
Grabbing her forearms, he steadied her. The leather of her gloves made him frown. He wanted to feel her hands. . . .like last time. Fighting off the disappointment that was now ravishingly ripening in his belly, he grabbed the weapon from her.
"Take off your gloves." he demanded softly.
She didn't argue with him. Not saying a word, she pulled them off carefully. Letting them fall reverently to the earth, she brushed her fingers over her mouth. After a moment of watching them on the ground, Quistis held her palm out to him, he intently gave the gunblade back to her. For only an instant did he feel her nails nick slightly over his knuckles. A mean bolt of electricity dashed rapidly to his heart.
"Spread your feet." his mouth was traveling closer to her ear. He could feel her stray hairs tickling his lips.
She obeyed. So not to shift her weight, he placed her boots firmly on the ground. Gently, he let his fingers journey over her warm wrists and rest on her elegant hands. Gripping them firmly about the handle of the gun, he applied pressure just atop her right hand.
"Careful." he whispered. "You don't want it to fire early on you." she let out a nervous laugh. He felt her hitch with giggles and fought down a groan.
The scent of lilac was now clouding his vision. He could strongly feel her warm body pressed tightly next to his. Without realizing it, he bent his head down toward her neck. Her fragrance was intoxicating. There was something on her other than the familiar aroma of flowers. It was feminine. . .Womanly.
Underneath her facade of a mighty solder; beneath the harsh mask of a worrier, was a soft, beautiful young woman. Quistis may have been able to fool everyone else, but not him. He knew her. He knew here better than anyone ever could or ever would. And that made him feel special. It made him feel wonderful to be Squall Leonhart.
His mouth almost brushed her tender earlobe. He wanted to taste it. To savor her salty skin between his lips. Squall was completely consumed in her. The sensation of her back over his stomach. The redolence of her filling his nostrils. Her golden locks resting under his jaw. Feeling her delicate flesh under his fingers. Shivering. . .Treasuring.
"Aim." he soughed. Quistis head tilted slightly. He could see her hair gliding over her glowing neck. His trembling mouth embarked nearer to her flesh. He couldn't help it.
Bang!
Squall sprang away from her. Letting his hands fall to his sides, he stared over her shoulder to the tree with a smoking hole. Steam rouse around it, as though fog was setting in around them. Quistis turned around. The gunblade at her side. She was beaming.
"I hit it!" she shined. Stretching out her hand, she handed him his weapon. "I guess you have some competition now." she declared with a haughty smile on her lips.
"Don't get too confident." he replied.
"Well," Quistis picked up a rock threw it up in air before catching it. "I suppose I'll have to teach you how to crack a whip."
Squall had only partly heard her. He was still thinking about the spell she had put him under. This crush was starting to get out of hand. He was going to have to make sure he didn't slip up as he had done today.
"Yeah, I suppose you will."
I I I
He turned the gunblade over in his hands as he sat on his bed. She never had taught him how to use her whip. He didn't let her because he was afraid of losing it again. Afraid of showing his true feelings.
He was such an idiot.
All the time he had wasted because he was terrified that he might possibly be in love. Real love. And now she didn't remember him. His chance was gone. Squall sat the gun down on his dresser and sighed. He stared at his door, expecting her to walk through as if nothing happened. Dreaming that she'd kiss him and tell him everything was all right.
Any moment he hoped he'd wake up to find Quistis resting next tohim. The ball just ending, the two continuing the celebrate their marriage. This couldn't be happening. It shouldn't be happening. If only he hadn't let her slip from his hands when she fell. If only he had taken better care of her. If only.
Squall lay flat on his back, gazing at the ceiling as he had done so many times after Rinoa had left him. Somehow, reminding himself of her too made him feel worse. It reminded him that just as something great was happening in his life; just as soon as he was happy, trouble occured, breaking it all to pieces that he couldn't possibly put back together.
But after Rinoa left you, you found someone better. Perhaps this isn't a curse after all. A little voice reminded him.
True. Nevertheless, Squall didn't think he was going to get that lucky again.
Rinoa was happy with Seifer. He was happy with Quistis. But now Quistis was laying alone, not knowing her own name. Scared. . .and that was all his fault. He had terrorized the shit out of her. Making her almost have a panic attack. Well, he would certainly win The Husband of the Year Award, wouldn't he? Squall cursed when he thought of how she had shook so violently. How she had fought to push him away.
Putting his head in his hands, he closed his eyes to get some sleep. But he didn't want to sleep. He just wanted to be with her. And now he couldn't be with her. Squall probably wouldn't be with her again for a long time. After that thought, he snapped.
It was one of the only times that Squall Leonhart had almost let himself cry.
To be continued. . .
A/N: Phew! I've got that chapter done. I'll go back and proof read later. But I need to get this up now. So I hoped you all enjoyed. Let me know what you guys thought. I've still got a long way to go. But I'll wait a day or so to start my next chapter. I also put an Aqua Teen Hunger Force reference in there. All the cool people will know what it was (JK).
I sat down to write this chapter and I must've rewritten the first part about five times. I had one version where it was a flash back of Squall and Rinoa breaking up. I know, I know. I do the flashbacks a lot. But they're important to the story and how you see Squall and Quistis's relationship grow. I hope you guys liked. Thanks for all the wonderful reviews. If you have any idea's, mail me!
Thanks Dave!