Title: "When I Look in Your Eyes" - Chapter Five (5/6)

Toby
In his office

Ginger went to Sam. Ginger chose Sam. I slump on my couch, letting the thought consume me.

"Toby?" CJ was at my door.

"Spying, CJ?" I said, without looking up.

"Actually, no." She said coming in and shutting the door. "I was on my way to my office, when I heard you and Ginger arguing." She pulled up a chair in front of me. "It's time you talked to me."

"It's nothing. We'll work it out."

"Really? Because I thought I just heard Ginger tell you she was quitting. And, judging from the state of both your emotions, I don't think you two were talking business." She paused. "Toby, come Monday morning, Leo will want an explanation as to why your assistant quit. He will ask questions and I'll feel the need to tell him what I know."

I struggled with how I would tell her, how I would explain this madness. "CJ, I don't how this happened," I said, finally. "Ginger was just another assistant on the campaign trail, another person to hand something off to. I'm not even sure when I looked at her, I mean really noticed her. But I was drawn to her and thought about her constantly."

"Why didn't you just ask her out?"

"Could you really see me asking Ginger out on a date?" I said, trying not to sound too pathetic. "I wasn't even sure if she gave me a second thought. I certainly didn't give her any clear indications of my
interest."

"I take it she's interested now," CJ said, with an arched brow.

"Was," I said, and not without pain. "We, ah, discovered our mutual attraction on Election Night."

I could tell CJ was struggling with what I was telling her, trying to decide where being a friend ended and a senior White House staffer began.

"I need to ask you some questions, just in case."

"In case?"

"In case it turns into a 'thing'." CJ gave me a significant look. "The door of your office was open. Anyone could have walked by and thought any number of things." She paused. "Okay, they would have only
thought one thing, but hopefully we won't have to go there."

I was silent for a moment, struggling with my conscience. "Fine. Since I think you'll ask, Ginger and I haven't slept together," I said, regretting the fact that we hadn't.

"Okay, I guess that's important," She said. "Thinking in terms of a sexual harassment case and quid pro quo, did you ever proposition Ginger?"

I looked a little uncomfortable "Well, not directly."

"Not directly?"

"CJ, Ginger is the first woman I've wanted to be with since Andy. I wasn't sure how to go about it." I ducked my head in embarrassment. "It was while we were on the campaign trail. I must have been so subtle
about it that she either didn't get it or if she did, she just ignored it. I couldn't bring myself to do it again."

"Well, that's encouraging. Toby, did you ever think of the age difference?"

"No, why? We were consenting adults."

"One of whom is probably a dozen years older and is in a power position over the other."

"Everything was consensual." My voice became hard.

"Are you sure?" CJ questioned me.

"CJ! I asked her if it was all right. Besides, it was Ginger's idea to be alone together that first time."

"Just because it was her idea, doesn't mean it absolves you from any wrongdoing," CJ pointed out.

She continued. "Did you give her anything? Gifts? Flowers?"

"I gave Ginger a necklace tonight. Upon your suggestion, I went to Tiffany's."

CJ groaned. "How much?"

"How much?"

"How much was the necklace."

"Four hundred." At the look of surprise and consternation on CJ's face was too much for me. "CJ, please. I don't want you to think I planned something to happen tonight, that I was using that gift to get something from Ginger."

CJ softened a little. "Toby, I know you. But to an outsider, it may look different."

"This has never been about getting Ginger into bed. We could have slept together on more than a few occasions, but I, ah, couldn't go through with it."

CJ's eyes grew wide. "No! It was nothing to with 'me'."

"Did this inability to sleep with Ginger have anything to do with Andy?" CJ looked me directly in the eye.

I took a breath before answering. "I'm completely confused about my feelings for Ginger. I thought I was weak for desiring another woman and thought I was cheating on Andy."

"Toby, you've been divorced for a while now and you're allowed to feel this way. Lust, passion, love, it just means you're human again." CJ grabbed my hand. "You can tell yourself that because you continue to
wear your wedding ring it means that you have an obligation to your ex wife. But I'm here to tell you that it never brought you happiness and it never will. I watched you tonight with Andy."

"What about her?" I don't want to talk about my ex.

"Toby, you announce to the world that you're getting back with your ex-wife and bring her to a public event, but then you spent the night mooning over Ginger," CJ said softly, "It's obvious Andy isn't the one you want to be with."

I was embarrassed that CJ could read my emotions so clearly. "I know. I ran into an old friend tonight who told me that Andy conducted a poll about marriage and politicians' right before we reconciled."

"I heard," CJ was genuinely remorseful. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to tell you and have you to think I had ulterior motives."

"You're not the person I'm angry with."

"She really believes she has a better chance at reelection if she's remarried." CJ squeezed my hand again. "Please rethink this whole thing."

I nod my head. "I already have."

"Does Ginger know any of this?"

"No, I didn't get a chance to explain." I said, embarrassed by the scene in my office.

"Don't you think you should tell her?"

"It doesn't matter now. She probably doesn't want anything to do with me," I said, shaking my head. "I accused her of sleeping with Sam."

"You know Toby, I love you as a friend, but really hate it when you're a jackass," CJ said.

"I wasn't trying to be a jackass," I protested.

"Really? Let's see." CJ's voice dripped with sarcasm. "You interfere with Ginger's personal life. Then accuse her of with sleeping with Sam. On top of which, you have an ex with whom you're trying to reconcile with, but still want a 'slap and tickle' with your assistant when no one's looking. Gee, Toby, I don't know why Ginger would ever let a gem like you go!"

"It isn't like that!" I protested.

"But that's what it looks like to her," CJ was exasperated. "Haven't you figured it out yet? The only reason she went with Sam was because you hurt her tonight and somehow I suspect this isn't the first time. You've given her every reason to never come near you again. Jeez! And you think Josh is a moron!"

I sat for a moment, thinking. "What do I do now?"

"You're asking me?" CJ said with a roll of her eyes, "I really don't know. You've got quite a list of people to talk to though: you're ex-wife, a woman with whom you could have a romantic relationship with and
the man she ran off with tonight, who happens to be your colleague. All I can see is that there's a lot of ground to be covered before Monday."

"CJ," I put my hand out to stop her from leaving. "I don't know what's between Ginger and me. I have no idea where this could lead."

"You're not supposed to!" CJ said with a laugh. She got up from her chair. "Let's get back to the party. And fix your shirt. I don't want anyone thinking I did that to you."

Ginger
About the same time that night

I didn't cry. I didn't speak. I just sat in Sam's car, replaying the scene in Toby's office in my head.

Sam left me alone. He knew some thing had happened when I suddenly appeared at his side, the look on my face telling him I needed to leave the party. We departed quickly, without bothering to say good-bye to
anyone.

He drove me home, and parked in the street.

Sam's voice cut through my thoughts. "Ginger, I'm sorry about tonight and I'm sorry Toby has to be an ass."

I can't help but smile at the tenderness in his eyes and brush his cheek with my fingertips. "Thank you for defending me. I overheard you and Toby arguing outside."

"Did you know that we argued yesterday?"

I nodded. "Cathy told me."

Sam was silent for a moment, contemplating the dilapidated Volvo in front of us. Finally he said, "I know there's this thing going on between you and Toby. Don't try to deny it. Toby is a passionate man
for the things he finds most important in his life and he's passionate about you. I saw that very clearly yesterday and tonight."

"Sam, none of this matters anymore." I try to brush the topic aside.

"But it does," Sam replied, "Ginger, I have always liked you and, ah, thought that maybe there could be something more to us. But I think I've always known, somewhere in the back of my head, that Toby would kill me if I ever asked you out."

"You wanted to ask me out, but didn't because of Toby?"

Sam looked a little sheepish. "Yeah, I know. It's a pretty lame excuse. Josh said the same thing."

"Josh knows about this?"

"He and CJ were in my office when Toby came storming into my office, ready to defend your honor." Sam gave a slight smile.

"CJ was there too!" I exclaimed. My nightmare was coming true.

"They won't say anything. I made them promise." Sam said, understanding my fears, almost immediately.

"Oh god. Josh Lyman keep a secret? When hell freezes over! It'll be all over the White House before tomorrow." I cover my face with my hands, embarrassed by the outcome of Toby's temper tantrum. "Sam, it was
never supposed to be this way. I thought he would keep it our secret."

Sam hesitated. "So you were involved with each other?"

"Yes. No! I mean, we were but not like that. It wasn't like we were dating or anything. We just kissed and comforted each other, that's all," I said, blushing. "I'm not sure of what to call what we did."

"Ginger, I would have never thought you a virgin," Sam said, with a wicked gleam in his eye.

"Sam!"

Sam warmed to the theme. "Don't be embarrassed. It's probably been a while for Toby, so maybe the little general needed some help getting to attention."

"Samuel, stop!" I'm mortified, but can't help giggling. "There wasn't anything wrong with the plumbing! It's just that we would get so far and he would stop. I guess he really didn't want me."

The humor was gone from Sam's face. "How do you know that?"

"I just know." My voice cracked. Oh god. "It's always been Andy."

"I don't think this is about Andy."

"But it is!" I felt the tears. "One minute Toby kisses me passionately, the next he tells me he's going back to her."

"From what I've seen, I think he still wants you."

The scene in Toby's office flashed through my mind, his mouth, his hands on my body. "It doesn't matter anymore. Right before we left Toby and I argued in his office and I quit my job." The tears spilled over.

"Why?"

"I can't work with him anymore! It's unbearable." I said, wiping the tears with my hand.

Sam unhooked our seatbelts and pulled me to him to let me cry on his shoulder. My sobs gradually quieted and I snuggled into his arms, comforted by his touch and the light kisses on my head.

"Sam, I wish it was you," I said. "I really do."

"We could be great together," Sam said quietly, his fingers caressing my cheek.

Sensing a change in Sam's mood, I moved out of his arms. "That may be true, but not right now. It would be for all the wrong reasons."

He nodded, staring out his window.

"I should go," I said, gathering up my purse.

Sam walked me up to my apartment door. "Are you going to be alright? Would you like some company?" Sam said, obviously worried.

"I'll be fine. I think I need to be alone for a while." I said, truthfully.

"I'm sorry this turned out to be such a weird night." Sam looked remorseful. "It wasn't what I had planned."

"Please don't worry about it. I still had great time. With you, that is."

"And Toby?"

"It's over."

"Are you sure that's what you want?" Sam searched my face.

"Of course it is. What, are trying to put us back together?" I laughed as I pulled out my keys.

We hugged and said good night, with promises of phone calls and keeping in touch.

"If you need, want me to do anything, let me know," was the last thing Sam said to me. I just smiled and closed the door.

Just before I dropped off to sleep, Sam's comment came back to me, 'Are you sure that's what you want?' It was. I needed to get away from Toby and all the pain he caused me. Yes, it was the right decision. But is
it what I really want?

/End 5