Chapter twelve
Wavering
Shortly before Christmas, Harry was looking for a book on sleeping draughts in the library. Since his conversation with Snape and Dumbledore he had been on an emotional roller coaster, sometimes accepting the fact that his most hated teacher was also his father, sometimes denying it fervently to himself. He tried to avoid thinking about it, pretending that nothing had happened, but this turned out to be more difficult than he had expected, even though he did not have to talk about it with anyone.
Harry was almost surprised that Dumbledore had not tried to discuss the matter further with him when he thought that he had calmed down, but he had been grateful for it. Harry had, however, received a rather strange note from Dumbledore a few days after their last conversation. The note had burst into flames only seconds after Harry had read it, like a Howler, only it didn't say the message out loud. It had said: "Do not tell anyone about your father, as it could jeopardise the work of the Order." It was from Dumbledore – it had to be, even though Harry suspected that Lupin knew all about this, too.
However, Lupin hadn't mentioned anything about it; Harry suspected that he might have been warned not to by Dumbledore. Snape seemed to have accepted Harry's wish that they pretend that nothing had changed. During his first Potions class after that day, Harry had noticed that Snape treated him as he had done the whole term, except that he refrained from staring at him, rather avoiding his eyes. He had no idea what Snape thought about it all.
Now, as he sat researching his essay on sleeping draughts, he reluctantly admitted to himself that he had come to enjoy Potions very much. Without Snape breathing down his neck all the time, Potions was certainly more interesting than, for example, Herbology.
Just then, Neville and Luna came walking into the library. Harry had noticed that they spent quite a lot of time together these days.
'Hello Harry!' said Neville brightly. 'Working on your Potions essay?'
Harry nodded, pointing at the books on the table in front of him. Neville and Luna sat down.
'I've already finished mine,' Neville said. 'Luna helped me. She's really good at Potions, you know.'
'Well, it is a rather interesting subject,' said Luna, staring out of the window dreamily. 'And it's useful, too. My mother used to experiment a lot in Potions as well as spells ...'
'Yes, well, it's not too bad when you're not being harassed by Snape all the time,' Neville said thoughtfully. 'He's been surprisingly easy on people this term.'
Harry gave Neville a quick glance, then looked at his book again. 'Yeah, I suppose,' he said warily.
Luna turned to Harry, looking at him unblinkingly with her protuberant eyes. 'He's your father, isn't he?' she said earnestly. Harry stared at her, shocked at having this question – or statement – thrown at him out of the blue. Neville, on the other hand, didn't seem all that surprised; he merely looked curiously at Harry.
'Why would you think that?' Harry asked, realising that, for some reason, he didn't mind talking to Luna and Neville about this, not the way he would have with Ron and Hermione.
'Oh, mostly the way you've changed this term... But there was something even before that, something about you that reminded me of him...'
'Oh, well... Yes, he is my father.' This was the first time Harry had said it out loud to someone who wasn't involved, and perhaps the first time he'd really admitted it, even to himself. He was surprised at how easy it had been to say the words, and how naturally Neville and Luna seemed to accept the fact. It was almost a relief to him, not having to pretend any more.
'It must be interesting to have a father like him,' Luna said thoughtfully, 'he knows so much about potions... and I'm sure he's a good wizard in general.'
'Well, I don't know,' Harry said doubtfully, 'I suppose he is good at making potions...' And he was an excellent Occlumens, Harry thought to himself, wondering what else Snape was good at. There had to be so many things he didn't know about Snape ...
'It must be nice to have a parent after all these years of being alone,' said Neville quietly.
Harry nodded; he had never thought of it this way before, but of course, Neville was right; he did have a parent now – a father. He thought of Neville's parents who were still in St Mungo's, unable even to recognise their son. With a jolt, he realised that Neville would probably be happy to have a father he could talk to, even if it was Snape. And Luna, too, knew what it meant to lose a parent.
For a brief moment, Harry almost regretted having rejected Snape so harshly back then in Dumbledore's office, telling him that they should both pretend that they weren't father and son. Should he have acted differently? But he had been so angry, and rightfully so, at least to a certain extent. And Snape hadn't made any objections; he had seemed as satisfied with this as Harry himself had been at the time.
Now, however, Harry feelings had changed. He wasn't angry anymore, at least not much. He didn't exactly want Snape for a father, but he had to admit that Neville and Luna were right – he did have a parent now, and that had to be an asset, not a burden. How come he hadn't realised that earlier? It was obvious, it was good to have someone ... someone who was family.
But what if Snape didn't want him for a son anymore? Of course Harry couldn't be sure that Snape had ever wanted him in the first place, but he might be even less inclined to accept him now than he had been before. He had never liked him, and Harry's reaction in Dumbledore's office might have put him off fatherhood completely.
On the other hand, Harry had been right back then: he had never had a father, and he didn't need one now. It wasn't likely that he would ever get on well with Snape anyway – not really. Not after everything he had done. It might be useful to have a parent, but Snape ... No, he'd never get on with him, and it was no use trying.
'Hello, Harry!' Hermione's voice suddenly came from behind him.
'Oh, er ... Hi!' Harry said, hoping she and Ron, who was standing next to her, hadn't overheard anything. Although he felt a certain amount of relief at having told Luna and Neville the truth, he really didn't want Ron and Hermione to know anything. And besides, he wasn't supposed to tell anyone.
'Oh, are you working on that essay for Professor Snape – er – I mean, the Potions essay?' Hermione said rather awkwardly.
'Yes,' said Harry, slightly nervous that Neville and Luna would tell Ron and Hermione everything. They both remained silent, however, and Hermione looked uncomfortable, as though she couldn't decide what to say to Harry. Ron looked from Harry to Hermione, puzzled at the tension there seemed to be between them. But then he noticed Lavender Brown, sitting on her own at a table nearby.
'Er ... I have to talk to Lavender about our History of Magic Project,' he said hurriedly, 'I'll see you later at Quidditch practise, Harry.' He went over to Lavender, greeting her cheerfully, then sitting down at her table. NEWT-level History of Magic must be very demanding, Harry thought, as Ron seemed to spend all his time with Lavender Brown, the only other Gryffindor who was taking the subject. He looked at Hermione, wondering how she was taking Ron's new friendship with Lavender. But Hermione wasn't paying any attention to Ron; she was looking at Harry, with a concerned expression on her face, as she did so often these days.
Harry knew that, sooner or later, he would have to tell her about Snape too, and Ron of course, no matter what Dumbledore said. But not right now, he decided. They were going to spend Christmas together again, like last year, and he didn't want to tell them until afterwards. Right now, it was enough that Neville and Luna knew, and he could talk to them about it if he wanted to. He realised how good it felt to have shared this with someone, but he had a feeling that sharing it with Ron and Hermione wouldn't be as easy as this.
Wavering
Shortly before Christmas, Harry was looking for a book on sleeping draughts in the library. Since his conversation with Snape and Dumbledore he had been on an emotional roller coaster, sometimes accepting the fact that his most hated teacher was also his father, sometimes denying it fervently to himself. He tried to avoid thinking about it, pretending that nothing had happened, but this turned out to be more difficult than he had expected, even though he did not have to talk about it with anyone.
Harry was almost surprised that Dumbledore had not tried to discuss the matter further with him when he thought that he had calmed down, but he had been grateful for it. Harry had, however, received a rather strange note from Dumbledore a few days after their last conversation. The note had burst into flames only seconds after Harry had read it, like a Howler, only it didn't say the message out loud. It had said: "Do not tell anyone about your father, as it could jeopardise the work of the Order." It was from Dumbledore – it had to be, even though Harry suspected that Lupin knew all about this, too.
However, Lupin hadn't mentioned anything about it; Harry suspected that he might have been warned not to by Dumbledore. Snape seemed to have accepted Harry's wish that they pretend that nothing had changed. During his first Potions class after that day, Harry had noticed that Snape treated him as he had done the whole term, except that he refrained from staring at him, rather avoiding his eyes. He had no idea what Snape thought about it all.
Now, as he sat researching his essay on sleeping draughts, he reluctantly admitted to himself that he had come to enjoy Potions very much. Without Snape breathing down his neck all the time, Potions was certainly more interesting than, for example, Herbology.
Just then, Neville and Luna came walking into the library. Harry had noticed that they spent quite a lot of time together these days.
'Hello Harry!' said Neville brightly. 'Working on your Potions essay?'
Harry nodded, pointing at the books on the table in front of him. Neville and Luna sat down.
'I've already finished mine,' Neville said. 'Luna helped me. She's really good at Potions, you know.'
'Well, it is a rather interesting subject,' said Luna, staring out of the window dreamily. 'And it's useful, too. My mother used to experiment a lot in Potions as well as spells ...'
'Yes, well, it's not too bad when you're not being harassed by Snape all the time,' Neville said thoughtfully. 'He's been surprisingly easy on people this term.'
Harry gave Neville a quick glance, then looked at his book again. 'Yeah, I suppose,' he said warily.
Luna turned to Harry, looking at him unblinkingly with her protuberant eyes. 'He's your father, isn't he?' she said earnestly. Harry stared at her, shocked at having this question – or statement – thrown at him out of the blue. Neville, on the other hand, didn't seem all that surprised; he merely looked curiously at Harry.
'Why would you think that?' Harry asked, realising that, for some reason, he didn't mind talking to Luna and Neville about this, not the way he would have with Ron and Hermione.
'Oh, mostly the way you've changed this term... But there was something even before that, something about you that reminded me of him...'
'Oh, well... Yes, he is my father.' This was the first time Harry had said it out loud to someone who wasn't involved, and perhaps the first time he'd really admitted it, even to himself. He was surprised at how easy it had been to say the words, and how naturally Neville and Luna seemed to accept the fact. It was almost a relief to him, not having to pretend any more.
'It must be interesting to have a father like him,' Luna said thoughtfully, 'he knows so much about potions... and I'm sure he's a good wizard in general.'
'Well, I don't know,' Harry said doubtfully, 'I suppose he is good at making potions...' And he was an excellent Occlumens, Harry thought to himself, wondering what else Snape was good at. There had to be so many things he didn't know about Snape ...
'It must be nice to have a parent after all these years of being alone,' said Neville quietly.
Harry nodded; he had never thought of it this way before, but of course, Neville was right; he did have a parent now – a father. He thought of Neville's parents who were still in St Mungo's, unable even to recognise their son. With a jolt, he realised that Neville would probably be happy to have a father he could talk to, even if it was Snape. And Luna, too, knew what it meant to lose a parent.
For a brief moment, Harry almost regretted having rejected Snape so harshly back then in Dumbledore's office, telling him that they should both pretend that they weren't father and son. Should he have acted differently? But he had been so angry, and rightfully so, at least to a certain extent. And Snape hadn't made any objections; he had seemed as satisfied with this as Harry himself had been at the time.
Now, however, Harry feelings had changed. He wasn't angry anymore, at least not much. He didn't exactly want Snape for a father, but he had to admit that Neville and Luna were right – he did have a parent now, and that had to be an asset, not a burden. How come he hadn't realised that earlier? It was obvious, it was good to have someone ... someone who was family.
But what if Snape didn't want him for a son anymore? Of course Harry couldn't be sure that Snape had ever wanted him in the first place, but he might be even less inclined to accept him now than he had been before. He had never liked him, and Harry's reaction in Dumbledore's office might have put him off fatherhood completely.
On the other hand, Harry had been right back then: he had never had a father, and he didn't need one now. It wasn't likely that he would ever get on well with Snape anyway – not really. Not after everything he had done. It might be useful to have a parent, but Snape ... No, he'd never get on with him, and it was no use trying.
'Hello, Harry!' Hermione's voice suddenly came from behind him.
'Oh, er ... Hi!' Harry said, hoping she and Ron, who was standing next to her, hadn't overheard anything. Although he felt a certain amount of relief at having told Luna and Neville the truth, he really didn't want Ron and Hermione to know anything. And besides, he wasn't supposed to tell anyone.
'Oh, are you working on that essay for Professor Snape – er – I mean, the Potions essay?' Hermione said rather awkwardly.
'Yes,' said Harry, slightly nervous that Neville and Luna would tell Ron and Hermione everything. They both remained silent, however, and Hermione looked uncomfortable, as though she couldn't decide what to say to Harry. Ron looked from Harry to Hermione, puzzled at the tension there seemed to be between them. But then he noticed Lavender Brown, sitting on her own at a table nearby.
'Er ... I have to talk to Lavender about our History of Magic Project,' he said hurriedly, 'I'll see you later at Quidditch practise, Harry.' He went over to Lavender, greeting her cheerfully, then sitting down at her table. NEWT-level History of Magic must be very demanding, Harry thought, as Ron seemed to spend all his time with Lavender Brown, the only other Gryffindor who was taking the subject. He looked at Hermione, wondering how she was taking Ron's new friendship with Lavender. But Hermione wasn't paying any attention to Ron; she was looking at Harry, with a concerned expression on her face, as she did so often these days.
Harry knew that, sooner or later, he would have to tell her about Snape too, and Ron of course, no matter what Dumbledore said. But not right now, he decided. They were going to spend Christmas together again, like last year, and he didn't want to tell them until afterwards. Right now, it was enough that Neville and Luna knew, and he could talk to them about it if he wanted to. He realised how good it felt to have shared this with someone, but he had a feeling that sharing it with Ron and Hermione wouldn't be as easy as this.