The front hall of the cottage in Godric's Hollow was quiet when Lily appeared. She draped her cloak over the chair where she usually left it, and started to drop her bag in its accustomed place on the floor. Then she stopped, clutched it for a moment, and carried it with her to the kitchen, where she laid it, with its precious contents, on the table. She stared around the kitchen, pulled out her wand to get supper preparations started, but then tucked it back into her pocket. It was early yet; her discovery had cut short the time she and Alice usually spent researching. She went to the refrigerator and pulled out potatoes, onions, and carrots, retrieved a cutting board and a knife, and set about slicing them. When she had married and established her own household, she had eagerly adopted magical ways of housekeeping, glad to use the time and effort saved for more important things, but occasionally when she was stressed she reverted to Muggle ways. The cold wet vegetables in her hands, the swish and snick of the knife, and the neat slices falling away reminded her of days long past, standing beside her mother in another kitchen, before she had ever suspected magic might be real, before she had heard of Voldemort or Death-Eaters or ever lost a friend in the battle against evil. The mindless labor of eyes and muscles was a soothing change from the concentration of research. She could forget for a while, as she browned meat in a skillet on the stove, the agony of desperate hopes and impossible choices.
The stew was nearly finished when she heard the familiar crack from the front hall. She dropped the spoon she'd been stirring with and turned, seized by both a great desire to rush in to greet James and a terrible reluctance to face him. She wiped her hands on a towel and slowly moved toward the doorway.
He looked tired, but content, as he dumped his cloak on top of hers on the chair, and turned to sweep her up in his embrace. "Ah, Lil. It's been a rough day. It's so good to be home. Smells great; I'm starving. How'd your day go?"
Now was the time to tell him, but the words froze in her throat. She muttered, "It was fine," and twisted away, busying herself fetching bowls and ladling stew. He poured the drinks and brought them to the table, and they sat in their accustomed places across from each other. Lily tried to act normally, but she could not keep from gazing surreptitiously at him, drinking in the dear familiar planes of his face, the thick black hair that would never lay neatly, the glasses slightly askew on his nose. She poked at her stew and nibbled while he devoured one bowl and went for another. He tried to strike up the relaxed conversation they usually shared over supper, but she could not bring herself to answer in more than monosyllables. Finally, when she had looked away once too often, avoiding his gaze, James put down his cup and reached out for her hand.
"Lil, something's wrong. Tell me."
"I… I found something." She forced the words out at first, but as she spoke a great relief at being able to share her burden broke over her, and the words came in a rush. "I've been doing research, at the library at Hogwarts, with Alice Longbottom." By mutual consent they never informed each other what assignment Dumbledore had given them. You couldn't tell what you didn't know, even under compulsion, or torture. "Trying to find some forgotten bit of information we could use. And today… I found something. Something big."
"That's wonderful, Lil!"
The pride in his eyes warmed and terrified her. She pulled away. "It's not… Here, let me show you." She pulled her bag across the table to her and dug out the two books and her pages of calculations. "Look, here…"
He reached for the book she held open to him, then pulled back. "Perhaps I shouldn't. What does Dumbledore say about who needs to know about it?"
"I haven't spoken to Dumbledore." He started to protest, but she silenced him. "This is about us. You'll understand. Just read it."
He looked searchingly at her, then bent his head to comply. She showed him the passages from the two books, and saw excited comprehension dawn in his eyes without any need for her to explain. "This could really work! What a clever idea, to reduce the power needed that way. Did you work out the – Oh." His eyes widened. "Lil, are you saying you think we should… Oh, Lil." The joy in his eyes hurt her heart. "A baby, Lil? With powers against Voldemort? Our child…?" A few quick steps took him around the table and she was in his arms. But his happiness faded when she remained stiff in his embrace, and turned tear-filled eyes to him. "What's wrong, Lil?"
"It's not enough." She buried her face in the warm strength of his chest. "We don't have enough power, unless… unless…." She waved wordlessly at her notebook. One arm still firmly around her, he scooped it up at looked where she pointed. She felt his body stiffen as the meaning of the inscribed symbols sank in.
"No… A life debt?"
She nodded miserably. "Both of us. Two years, three at the most."
"Oh God, Lil." His arms crushed her. "No wonder…. Oh God…." He was silent a long time. She clung to him, not thinking, just feeling his body against hers.
Finally he pulled back a little, and gazed in her eyes. Then he kissed her, long and hard. Again he crushed her to him, and his ragged voice whispered in her ear, "I love you, Evans." Then he released her, and was suddenly all business. "Have you told anyone else?"
"Only Alice."
James frowned. "How much does she know?"
"All of it. She was there; I only thought of it in the first place because she was looking at the pregnancy book. In fact, she's the one that thought of using a Life Debt."
James's frown deepened. "I guess that can't be helped."
"Of course not." Lily thought of Alice's round face set in determination. "I told her to tell Frank, and for the two of them to come to dinner tomorrow, so we can talk about it."
"Frank?" James sounded alarmed. "Lily, we can't let this get out to anyone else. Too many people know about it already."
"Well, Frank has to know, if they're going to do the spell, too."
James started, a look of dismay spreading across his face. "Them too? But I thought… You discovered the spell; it should be us. The Order can't stand to lose even the two of us, let alone four members."
"But doesn't it make more sense to have two with the powers? Something could go wrong, one of them could be killed, or the charm not work right, or anything could happen." Lily saw him shaking his head, scowling. "Don't get angry at me," she snapped. "I told her it should just be us, but she wouldn't hear of it. You can try to talk them out of it tomorrow night."
He turned away and paced across the room. When he turned back, he had composed himself. His quick grin flashed at her. "Sorry, Lil. You're right; I'll talk to them tomorrow. Right now, I want to look at what you've got."
He sat down at the table and dragged a chair over beside him, gesturing her to sit. He spread out her notes before them. "Walk me through all the steps; I want to understand exactly how it works."
They pored over the equations late into the evening, searching through all of both books for any confounding tidbit Lily might have missed, going over and over the calculations to make sure they were right. Long past midnight Lily started up from where her eyes had drifted shut and her head nodded down towards her paper, as James gently shook her. "Come on, Lil, let's go to bed. We can finish this tomorrow."
Blearily she rose and followed him. "But what about your assignment?"
"This is more important. And I don't want to go off and leave you alone." Or be alone himself, she was sure he meant as well, but his pride would not let him say it.
She made her preparations for bed in a daze, then sank gratefully down beside him. He met her with welcoming arms, and despite her weariness desire blazed up in her. She clung to him, overwhelmed with fear of losing him. She ran her hands along the planes of his body. How many more times will I get to touch him like this, before it's the last time, forever… She wept, and his tears burned her bare skin.
All too soon it was over. The sweet fire ebbed away, leaving her drained and empty. She feared she would not be able to sleep, but he was there beside her still, her anchor through the black night. She pressed herself close to him and his arms wrapped around her, and they slept.