"Coffee, a Snicker's bar and day old doughnuts", Lucas handed it to Brooke.
She managed a tired smile.
"Dinner of champions, huh?"
They shrugged as they devoured the less than appealing hospital junk food. They were going on 56 hours straight at the hospital, never leaving Nathan and Megan's sides.
"You want to see her? Yoanna, I mean" Lucas asked as they finished eating.
Brooke shrugged.
"Yes and no. Is that horrible, Broody? I mean, I feel like we should but it's so depressing. She's so tiny and so sick. Every time I see Nate and Meg and the heartbreak on their faces…it's just so unfair. They don't deserve this."
"No one does", he sighed, wrapping an arm around her as they took the elevator back to where Megan's room was.
They arrived on the floor, seeing the four parents had joined Nathan and Meg. Peyton, Karen, Keith and Jules kept their distance by the door. The exhausted group exchanged wordless hugs. They just stood silently, huddled together keeping the faith as their vigil continued. They barely noticed the female doctor in scrubs who slipped into the room.
"Dr. Petrocelli", Megan saw her first.
"Hey, Doc", Nathan looked up. "Is everything okay?"
She summoned her strength to speak. Keeping emotion out of the equation was the hardest part of her field.
"Mr. and Mrs. Scott, I need to speak with you, please…privately."
Megan instantly felt a profound sorrow growing deep inside her. Tears sprang to her eyes.
"No!" she screamed.
It was an almost inhuman sound, one that could only come from a mother who had just lost her child. The agonizing moan and the shrill of the pitch made Brooke's knees buckle.
"Mrs. Scott…"
"Just say it", Nathan said anxiously, not caring who was or wasn't in the room.
Dr. Petrocelli took a deep breath.
"Yoanna's lungs are very small and underdeveloped. She lacks the sufficient tissue needed for her airway. She has been diagnosed with what we call Respiratory Distress Syndrome or RDS. Babies with RDS have immature lungs that lack a chemical mixture called surfactant, which keeps the small air sacs in the lungs from collapsing during breathing. They do not get enough air in and out of their lungs. We have done all we can for Yoanna but her vital stats and her condition just aren't improving. She also lost two ounces since yesterday."
"What does that mean?" Deb tearfully inquired.
"I'm sorry but it means there isn't much more we can do for Yoanna. We have exhausted every medical effort possible but it's not enough. As the parents, it is your decision of you choose to keep her on the ventilator but it's my professional opinion and diagnosis that you'd just be prolonging the process. I'm sorry…"
"What are you saying?" Laurie asked.
"In all probability, Yoanna won't make it."
Hearing those words out loud sent Megan into a tizzy. She sobbed heavily as a stunned Nathan held on to her.
"No!" Dan spoke up. "This is ridiculous. You give me the name of the best neonatal facility in the country, hell, the world and I will have my granddaughter flown there immediately."
"Sir, that is your choice but we have highly qualified and trained medical professionals in this hospital, including myself, and any neonatolgist that views Yoanna's chart will tell you the same thing. I am so sorry. I know this is extremely difficult for your family."
"How long?" Nathan managed to whisper, finally finding his voice.
"It could be a couple of hours, it's hard to say."
"No!" Megan began to wail.
Peyton's heart went out to her, to both of them. Although she hadn't physically given birth, she was a mother, too. She had helped Jake care for Jenny ever since the girl had been a tiny infant. She couldn't begin to fathom the unspeakable pain she would feel if something ever happened to her daughter.
"Guys, let's give them their privacy…" she poke up as she began ushering the family away.
"I'm staying right here", Dan announced. "My son needs me."
"And my daughter needs me", Laurie added.
Peyton gritted her teeth, determined not to make a scene but just as adamant that especially those two of all people leave the room.
"Everybody out", she stated again in a much firmer voice.
"Peyton, this is a family matter", Dan warned.
"No, this is a private matter. It's a Nathan and Megan matter. They should have their privacy and we should respect it."
At the urging of Deb, they cleared the room and closed the door, leaving the devastated couple alone. There were no words for Nathan to describe what he was feeling inside. He could barely set his psyche around it. He was in place so painful and surreal that nothing seemed existent anymore. Nothing made sense. He was unable to react emotionally in his state of utter shock.
Megan on the other hand was a different story. Never in his life had Nathan seem someone cry so hard. She sobbed so loudly her whole body shook. With each wail it look like she might break something inside of her. Of course something inside of her was already broken…her heart.
"Meg…"
"No!" she screamed. "Don't do it, Nathan! Don't you say it!"
"Megan…"
"No!"
Nathan turned to Dr. Petrocelli who had lingered behind.
"If we disconnect the ventilator, what will that do? Will she die quicker?"
"Yes but either way it's a matter of hours. With the ventilator, she will likely die within 24 more hours. Without it, three or four, maybe more. But she'll be comfortable and you'll have a chance to hold her, spend time with her."
Nathan fought back tears.
"Megan…"
"Why? Why, Nathan? Why, God? Why our baby?"
"Meg, I…I want to hold her", he whispered.
The tears streamed down her face. She looked in the doctor's empathetic eyes and knew it was all over. Her precious baby was dying. As much as she wanted to die herself, she couldn't bear the thought of all those tubes and machines.
"If…if my daughter is going to…going to die, she, she, she is going to die in my arms", Megan sobbed.
Dr. Petrocelli nodded.
"We'll make the arrangements."
"Can we…can we christen her?" the distraught young mother asked with one last hint of hope.
The doctor nodded and handed the pair a clipboard before leaving to make the preparations. As soon as the door shut, Megan gave way to unspeakable grief and sorrow. Her gut wrenching moans came from deep within.
"I thought she would be alright, Nathan! Oh God, I told her she would be alright!" she cried over and over again.
All Nathan could do was hold his wife. His own hands shook as he saw the papers attached to the clipboard. They awaited he and Megan's signatures. It was a permission slip to end their daughter's misery as well as her life. She could die humanely and peacefully and they could hold her in their arms.
He stared a while longer before finally scrawling his signature. He handed it to Meg who held it as she continued to cry. It felt like years as he sat on that bed watching a woman he loved in the most pain he had ever seen anyone in. She clutched the clipboard to her chest. After all the praying and hoping, it was over. It had come down to that one moment.
With trembling hands, she signed her full name barely legibly before taking the board and hurling it at the door in one final act of fury. She sobbed, head in her hands as Nathan held her. She pushed him away but he only held her tighter. Although he couldn't express his hurt, they were sharing the same awful, inexplicable pain. It was their beautiful little girl, the baby that had wanted so much and had so looked forward to. After two days, the little one had given up her brave fight for life. She was going to be with God and they would have to accept it. They would have to let Yoanna go…and letting go was the hardest part.