Megan lay quietly on the comfortable king sized bed. It was the perfect atmosphere for an afternoon nap as the house was quiet but it was an eerie quiet. Instead of calming her it made the fine hairs on the back of her neck stand readily at attention. She wondered aloud if life would always be like it was at that one moment. God, she hoped not. She didn't know if she could take it if it were. Sighing, she realized just how quickly life could change. The last few months had definitely proved that to her. She looked around and remembered just like it was yesterday the day she and Nathan had moved in to their Charlotte dream house. She remembered the very first time they had made love in that bed. Heck, when they first moved in, they had made love in every room of that house.

Just over a year ago they nestled in that very bed, cuddling, laughing and making plans for the future. A future that seemed so bright and happy, filled with hope and promise. Now the laughter had since been replaced by sad silence. There was no Nathan, no laughter, no warm hugs, no excited chitchat about the future...all of a sudden there was no future. A series of unexpected events had shattered her dreams and changed life forever. The unthinkable had happened and Yoanna was gone forever, taking with her perhaps the last chance of survival for her parents' marriage.

Right down the hall was the room that was supposed to serve as the nursery. It was still decorated with its nursery rhyme theme, all ready to go. She knew eventually she'd have to disassemble the furniture and take down the pictures. The time had come. Her parents and sisters and a few friends had offered to help but it was something she knew she had to do alone. She knew it couldn't remain that way forever but she wasn't ready for it to go. Not just yet anyway.

In the shadows she jumped as she thought she heard a faint cry. It sounded like a baby…her baby.

"Yoanna!" she called out.

For a split second she thought she would walk into the room and the baby would be there. Megan practically ran to the nursery but it was empty. But she wasn't and sadly never would be. Her heart sank staring at a vacant crib. The silence was killing her and she couldn't stand it.

For the past weeks it had been just the opposite. Day and night the beach house had been filled with friends, family and neighbors cooking meals, arranging the many flowers that had been sent, trying to assist with funeral arrangements, and taking care of her. Megan truly appreciated the help and the love and the good intentions but it had been a bit suffocating. It was all too much and secretly so many times she had wished that they would all disappear. Now her wish had come true. The company and the well wishers were gone. She was back in Charlotte and she was alone with her thoughts and memories.

"Meg?"

Nathan emerged from downstairs when he thought he had heard her call out their daughter's name.

"Nathan…"

"I…I thought I heard you say something. You okay?"

"I'm fine. I was just um…I, I was thinking about taking some stuff out of the…"

She couldn't say the word but they both knew what she meant.

"Yeah", he scratched his head. "Um, if you need some help…"

"I'll be fine."

"I know but I was thinking it's something we should do together."

She opened her mouth to protest but nothing came out. It's not that she didn't want his help but she knew that if he did help, it would actually get done. The nursery would just become another room and all that would be left of Yoanna would be yet another memory.

"Okay", she finally sighed. "Whatever."

Nathan nodded and they entered the room. He quietly disassembled the crib as she went about taking down the character pictures. She tried not to cry as she boxed up toys and put away tiny little clothes. Minute by minute, piece by piece the room was slowly dismantled. Soon there was almost nothing left…

Taking a deep breath, Megan sat on the floor, the soft white carpet adding some level of comfort. She felt nothing but an overwhelming sadness as she sat on the floor and played with the blue stuffed bunny rabbit in her hands, the perfect stitches of his wide eyed face freakishly smiling back at her. Lucas had bought that and a barrage of other toys months ago for the baby. He had said that it was part of his duties as an uncle. But Lucas had been relieved of all duties and responsibilities before they had even started. There was no more baby. There was only silence and an empty room. There were the brightly painted walls and disassembled crib and the boxes of stuffed animals and tiny clothes neatly strewn about the place. There was the stuffed rabbit with the evil almost taunting face.

Nathan sighed as he watched his wife in the nursery. It probably wouldn't have mattered much if he had made noise. She seemed not to notice or even care lately. She was quiet and sullen and so distant. It was plain to see just how much she was hurting inside. It killed Nathan to see her like that, to look into those once beautiful and expressive eyes of hers and now see only a dull darkness.

"It's late", he finally sighed. "We can finish the rest tomorrow. You want to go to bed?"

She didn't agree, she didn't protest. In fact, there was no verbal response at all. She simply placed the bunny back in the corner and walked towards their bedroom, climbing back into bed almost mechanically. Laying beside her was like being next to a stranger. He didn't know what to say or how to act around her anymore. Finally he rolled over and draped an arm across her limp body. She didn't respond at first but slowly wriggled out of his embrace and closer to the edge of the bed.

"Megan…" he whispered.

"What?" she answered him back.

Nathan took a deep breath.

"I can't do this anymore. I can't stand this."

"What?"

"This. What's happening between us now…"

"What do you want from me, Nate?"

He shrugged.

"I don't know. Look, I know how you feel…"

"You know how I feel?" she repeated. "No, Nathan. I don't think that you do…at all."

"Dammitt, she was my daughter, too, you know. You act like you're the only person that's hurting here. You act like you are the only one who lost Yoanna."

"It's different, Nathan."

"How so?"

"I…I don't know. It just is. You don't know how I feel. Trust me, you don't even know."

"Then why don't you tell me?"

She shook her head in the darkness.

"Why? Why are you doing this?"

"Go ahead and say it", he said quietly. "You think this is my fault."

"Nathan…"

"No, just say it. I know it's what you're thinking."

"How do you know?"

Nathan thought for a while as he played with the wedding band on his finger.

"Because", he said. "Because…that's what I'm thinking."

"Nate…"

"I'm not stupid, Meg. I'm man enough to admit what I've done. I've made a lot of mistakes."

"Like marrying me?"

He bit his lip.

"Don't say that."

"Why? It's the truth."

"I do love you. You have to know that. You have to believe me. Maybe I haven't been honest with you or even myself but it doesn't mean that I don't love you."

"Just not in the way you love her."

"I've never loved anyone like I loved Haley. I don't think I ever will. I…I can't explain it. I loved her very much. She really changed my life and when she left it really hurt. I didn't know what to do with myself. I never thought I would love again…that is until I found you."

"Then what happened?" she whispered.

"Haley", he sighed. "Haley happened. She came back and it stirred up a lot of old feelings, a lot of stuff we hadn't resolved but I thought we had. I just didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to handle it. But I never meant to hurt you and I never wanted you to hate me, Meg. Can't you understand that?"

She ran her fingers through her hair.

"In a way…yeah. Especially about the not knowing what to do or how to feel part. That's exactly how I felt right before we were supposed to get married. I was so scared, so unsure. I almost didn't show up."

"Why did you?"

"Because I love you. And because I was foolish enough and hopeful enough to think for a second that it could work and that you would love me just like you loved her."

"Don't do that. Megan, don't ever compare yourself to her or put yourself down. It's not like that. It's not because she was better or you were worse or anything like that. And it wasn't foolish thinking it could work. I thought it could too. I wanted it too, even. I'm sorry it didn't. And I'm sorry I cheated on you in the Dominican…and I'm sorry about the way I treated you…and I'm sorry about Yoanna."

A tear slid down her cheek.

"I can't even react to that like a normal human being. I can't cry because of the things you've done. I can't be angry because you were unfaithful. My body and my heart and my mind won't even let me process that normal train of thought. God, I'm so numb emotionally. All I can do now is think about our daughter", she sniffed. "I loved her so much, Nathan. I love her now. All I wanted was to be that little girl's mom. This is so hard and so unfair and the pain is unbearable. I know I'm supposed to grieve and deal with this and move on but I don't think I know how to do that."

"We lost Yoanna. There is nothing we can do to change that. Nothing will bring her back. But have I lost you, too?"

"Nathan…"

"Just say something…please. Even if you hate me and you think I'm a bastard."

Megan stared across the dark room.

"You know what my mother said to me? The other day she called and I was crying and you know what she said to me? She says, 'Honey, bad things happen to good people all the time that we can't help. We just have to move on and forget it ever happened. God will look out for us. Everything happens for a reason'."

"Meg…"

"I was stunned. I couldn't believe it. You know, the funny thing is, a few years ago those words would have brought me comfort. But now…now they only piss me off. I can't move on and forget. She was a real person and she was my daughter. And on one hand I'm supposed to have faith that God will watch over her but on the other hand, a huge part of me is so angry with God right now. He let this happen, all of this happened to us and for what? Nathan, I have never felt like this before. I've never not had faith."

"My faith is a little shaky too. And as far as your mother? She's just as crazy as my dad. I'm sorry I didn't protect you from them earlier like I should have. It might sound weak but I did the best I could, Megan, even though I know my best wasn't good enough."

"I'm not like her", Megan continued. "I don't know that things happen for a reason Nathan, I just know that they happen. We're supposed to be strong but I don't know if I have any strength left."

"Yeah you do. It might not seem like it but you have a whole lot of strength left in you. You're the strongest person I know. You've had to be to put up with me and my bullshit and make it this far."

"I'm so mad, Nathan. Mad at you and at Haley and our parents. It's so much easier to just blame this all on you but I know it's my fault, too. We should never have gotten married. I knew that…just like I know I should have called for help the day O went into labor. I was praying it was a false alarm but it was stupid of me not to get to the hospital right away. Maybe they could have done something. Maybe they could have saved her."

"Beating yourself up isn't going to bring her back."

"The grief is unbearable. Our lives are such a mess…"

"I know. I know, Megan. I'm sorry. Just don't shut me out, okay? Please. Just talk to me. Say something. Say anything. I want to get through this together. I want to know how you feel."

Slowly, finally she turned to face him. Her words were barely audible and her eyes were as dead as soap.

"You want to know how I feel?" she whispered. "Fine, Nathan. I'll tell you. I wish I were dead, too."