Welcome, welcome, everyone,

to a string of stories not for all!

Don't crowd, don't push,

and please don't flame!

If you're not suited,

I won't be blamed!

I warn you now,

I don't like Jedi-

most especially Horn!-

and he's not painted

in pleasant light.

But fun much is had

and I hope you laugh,

but don't choke!

So sit right back and please enjoy!

Author's note: These are the product of challenges issued in hopes that I overcome my writer's block. I had a lot of fun with them, and I hope you will too. I'll be updating this as I write more, so it's likely to be rather sporadic. If you absolutely cannot stand someone poking fun at any of the Jedi or other character(s), I'd say you probably don't need to read further.

Disclaimer: I don't own them in the slightest. Not a single hair, fiber, or even a molecule. That pleasure and privilege goes to The Great Flannelled One.

Part I: The Turbolift

Grudgingly, Wes entered the turbolift with Hobbie. Wedge had called an 'important briefing' and had required all Rogues and Wraiths to attend. He didn't know why they were required to go. As Wedge's two closest friends, they already knew exactly what was going to happen. Their esteemed general was going to announce his engagement to and consequent elopement with Iella. They, Tycho, and Winter had been the only other ones in attendance.

Really, they had absolutely no reason to attend. That really annoyed Wes, and by the more-dour-than-usual expression Hobbie's face, he felt the same way. They could've caught up on some much-needed sleep.

They were one hundred fifty floors down from the needed floor when the lift stopped. Wes groaned when he saw who was joining them. It was none other than Corran 'Half-wit' Horn. The pathetic Corellian pilot who gave all other Corellians a bad name. From what he'd heard when Wedge had reformed Rogue Squadron, Horn had complained about nearly everything.

It must be a Jedi requirement.

Complaining that is.

And whining.

Definitely whining.

"What poor soul did we kill to have to suffer this?" Hobbie mumbled beside him.

"I don't know, but whoever it was," Wes began loudly, looking up toward the sky, "We're very, very sorry."

"Oh, knock it off, you two," the complainer said. "I'm standing right here."

Wes and Hobbie paid no attention. "It's better we ignore him. If we ignore him, he doesn't exist and we're okay," Hobbie said.

"I'm standing right here," Half-wit said.

Wes looked around, puzzled. "Do you hear something? It sounds like one of those annoying little horn flies."

"You mean those little whiny bugs that land on your table and make you lose your appetite?" Hobbie asked.

Wes nodded. "Those are the ones."

"I really hate those things. They ruin a good lunch."

"That, they do."

Soon, Wes felt a foreboding grinding sensation beneath his feet. "Oh no. No. Not now. Why?"

Hobbie groaned and repeatedly hit his head on the wall beside him. "Which technician did you prank this time that wants revenge, Wes?"

"Don't do that, Hobbie. I wouldn't want you getting some head injury," Wes answered instead.

"No worries," the Ralltiirian answered. He continued tapping his head on the wall. "Bacta will fix anything."

"What the-?" Horn asked.

"Nice reflexes, there, Jedi," Hobbie said. "I thought you were supposed to see into the future and all that mumbo-jumbo."

"We don't see everything!"

Wes shook his head. "A likely excuse."

"It's not my fault!"

Was it his imagination, or was there a bit of panic in the Corellian's voice? "Well, why don't you just use your little magic trick and think us on up to the right floor?"

"How many times do I have to tell people that I can't levitate things? Not even a pebble!"

Wes and Hobbie snickered.

"Does it seem a bit warm in here?"

Wes looked at the former Corsec officer. "No."

"Not to me," Hobbie answered. "Are you feeling feverish? Do you need a trip to the medical bay?"

"No, it's just-"

"It's just what?" Wes asked, stepping around Hobbie to get to the lift's technical comlink. Horn only sank to the floor and began mumbling to himself. Wes hit the little red button, delighting in the fact that it was red and Wedge wasn't here to tell him not to touch it. "Hi, what's the update on lift 2384H?"

"Just a slight delay. We have a blown fuse. One of those Solo brats decided it would be fun to go up and down all morning. We should have you back on your way again in a couple minutes."

"No problem," Wes answered. "Keep up the good work, guys."

"Thank you."

"So what do we do about blubbering beauty over there?" Hobbie asked, jerking his thumb to the side.

Wes shrugged. "I don't know. I say we just leave him be."

"Sounds good enough for me."

Horn continued rocking back and forth, mumbling nothing but jibberish. Wes could do nothing but stare in disgusted curiosity. "How in the universe did he make it into a cockpit?"

"I have no clue. I can only imagine what his droid must go through while they're stuck in hyperspace. Poor droid."

"Poor cockpit," Wes answered.

"Poor wingman," Hobbie retorted.

"Poor Squadron."

"Poor X-wing. It probably wants to crash itself into the craggiest, pointiest rocks just to put itself out of its misery."

"Touché. Nice one, Hobbie."

"Thank you, Wes. You got a few good ones in, yourself."

"Sims after Wedge's little announcement?"

"You're on. I'll be sure and bring some rookies for us to beat up on."

"Even better."

Finally, after only another few seconds, the turbolift surged back into motion. "Well, that was fast," Hobbie said.

"It was." They arrived at their proper floor moments later. "Think we should call a medical team for him?"

"Might as well. It'd save us from having to walk around him again when we come back after the briefing." Hobbie paused. "On second thought, we could just take a different turbolift."

"I'll second that. It'll save me some comlink energy for more important calls. Like waking Wedge up in the middle of the night to tell him which hair on Kettch's head's moved."

Hobbie stepped over Half-wit's prone form, careful not to touch him with his new boots and started down the corridor to the larger conference room. "You're still doing that?"

Wes followed suit. "Yeah. You should hear some of the stuff he mumbles into his comlink at first. It's pretty funny."

"Oh yeah, like what?"

"Well, there was one time that he…"

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-Gaeruil