Autjor's Note: Gosh, I need to start a blog so I'll have another forum to rant on but for now can I just share this morning's disappointment with you guys? I had been in talks with an attorney/literary agent here in D.C. about publishing original material. I talked to her this morning upon reading that now is the time that literary agents pitch to the WB and particularly Mark Schwahn about writing for the show for the next season.BUT : ( the agent I talked to won't do television properties. So yet another disappointment/setback. Oh well. I still have my crowded little office. And my evil, balding, incompetent boss. And more importantly, I have YOU GUYS! Oh well...
Oh...original lyrics in the chapter written by Eminem and can be found on his brilliant "Encore" CD. I just changed them around so please no one sue because as always, if you do, good luck standing in line behind Visa, Master Card, and American Express trying to collect...
Haley buried her head in the pillow but it was of no use. The crying didn't stop. It never stopped. It just got louder and louder.
"Haley, I know you're not deaf", Taylor huffed, barging into her sister's room without even bothering to knock. "I know you hear that! Hell, the whole world can hear that."
Haley remained submerged underneath her covers.
"Tay, what do you want me to do about it?"
Taylor laughed sarcastically.
"Are you kidding me? For starters you could get off your ass and come see about your daughter."
"I…I don't know what she wants."
"I have an idea. Let me spell it out for you. She has been bathed and changed and fed and burped. I have been walking the floor with her non stop and singing to her but it isn't helping. Maybe she wants her mother."
"Taylor, I can't. I…"
"Oh no you don't. Don't start. I'm sick of your excuses. Your excuses have excuses. I'm done, Hay. I love my niece and I have been there for her and I've tried to be here for you but I can't take it anymore. I need a break. I can't do everything while you sulk away in bed. It's not right. Chris and I have been Jamma's surrogate parents ever since she was born, hoping that you would get over your little tantrum and eventually start being a mom. But it ain't happening and frankly I'm tired of waiting. And it seems the more time I give you to get your shit together, the more time you make excuse after excuse so you don't have to be a mother."
"You don't understand…"
Taylor was furious!
"No, little sis, you don't understand…but you're about to!"
Taylor yanked the blanket and sheets off of Haley.
"What are you doing?"
"What I should have done a long time ago. Now move! Get your ass up!"
"No…"
"Haley!"
"Taylor, stop it!"
When the younger woman refused to budge, Taylor climbed on the bed and wrapped her arms around her, bear hug style. Haley fought, causing them both to tumble to the ground.
"Get up, bitch!"
Taylor had her in a half nelson, half headlock, dragging her across the room.
"Ouch! Get off me, Taylor! You're crazy!"
Kicking and screaming, Haley was pulled by her clothes and hair to the living room where Jamma was crying from the bassinet.
"That is your daughter! She's yours, Hay. Look at her! You carried her for nine months and you gave birth to her. I said, look at her! She's just a little baby and she's your baby. She needs you! Doesn't that mean anything to you? Don't you feel anything for her?"
"Taylor…"
"Pick her up."
"No."
"Pick her up, Haley!"
"No!"
"Why not?"
Haley burst into tears.
"Because I can't, okay? I don't know why, I just can't, Taylor!"
She fled to her room and slammed and locked the door leaving her frustrated sister and screaming child. Taylor sighed as she picked up the baby and cradled her in her arms.
"It's okay, sweetie. It's alright. I know you want your mommy. But Auntie Tay is here and it's going to be okay."
Jamma apparently was not convinced. The little girl screamed louder and a few feet away behind closed doors, Haley cowered on the floor. Shaking, she picked up the phone and dialed. It rang and rang.
"Please pick up", she prayed out loud. "Please be there…"
"Hello?" came the breathless answer right before the call would have gone to voicemail.
"Hey…it…it's me."
"Haley? Is that you?"
"Yeah…"
"Are you okay? You sound funny. Are you crying?"
Haley wiped her tears and took a deep breath.
"I…I'm sorry to call and bug you but I didn't know who else to call. I didn't know what else to do. I…I don't have anybody…"
"Okay. It's okay. Just calm down. What happened? Tell me what's wrong?"
"I…I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm a horrible person…and a horrible mother."
"That's not true…"
"Yes, it is. I carried a baby for nine months…and I felt absolutely nothing for her. I thought it would get better but it doesn't. It just gets worse. When she was born, I couldn't even hold her. I don't want to see her or touch her. And she's been crying non stop all day. And I hate it! But I don't want to comfort her. I…I want to wrap her up and leave her on a church doorstep. And sometimes…sometimes, I want to put a pillow over her face. Not to hurt her but just to make her…stop. To make it all, everything, just…stop."
There was silence on the other end for a few seconds.
"Haley…"
"You hate me, don't you?" she sobbed. "You think I'm crazy. You think I'm evil. I don't even love my own baby. I am a heartless, selfish bitch!"
"No, you're not. I don't think that at all. I think you are scared and overwhelmed and severely depressed. It's called post partum depression, honey, and it happens unfortunately to millions of women. You need help and you need time. Now are you alone in the house with the baby right now?"
"No. Taylor's watching her."
"Good. I want you to stay in your room and try to calm down. Don't do anything stupid or rash, just promise me, okay?"
"Okay…"
"Okay, good. Hang tight and I will be there as soon as I can."
"You…you'd do that for me?"
"Of course I would. I'm here for you, Haley. I just need you to be strong until I get there, sweetie. Can you do that for me?"
"Yes", she whispered.
"Okay. I'm on my way, alright? I promise you…I'll get there."
"Hurry, Karen", Haley cried as she hung up.
In the background she could still hear Taylor trying to soothe the baby. Nothing seemed to be working and in a final act of desperation, Taylor popped in an Eminem CD. The words from a song he had written to his daughter seemed to be speaking right to Taylor. She listened to the song over and over again and realized just how much it paralleled their own lives. She changed the words around as she softly cooed them to Jamma.
I know sometimes things may not always make sense to you right now
But hey, what does Auntie always tell you?
Straighten up little soldier
Stiffen up that upper lip
What you crying about?
You got me
Jamma, I know you miss your mom and I know you miss your dad
They got caught up trying to give you a life that they never had
I can see you're sad, even when you smile, even when you laugh
I can see it in your eyes, deep inside you want to cry
Cause you're scared, no one's there?
Auntie's with you in your prayers
No more crying, wipe them tears
Auntie's here, no more nightmares
Wegoann pull together through it, wegonna do it
Jamma, Auntie's crazy, aint she?
Yeah but she loves you girl and you better know it
We're all we got in this world
When it spins, when it swirls
When it whirls, when it twirls
My little beautiful girl
Lookin' puzzled, in a daze
I know it's confusing you
Mama's always on the move, Daddy's always on the news
I try to keep you sheltered from it but somehow it seems
The harder that I try to do that, the more it backfires on me
All the things growing up that Auntie had to see
Auntie don't want you to see but you see just as much me
They did not plan it to be this way, your mother and dad
But things have gotten so bad between them
I don't see them ever being together ever again
Like they used to be when they were teenagers
But then of course everything always happens for a reason
I guess it was never meant to be
But it's just something we have no control over and that's what destiny is
But no more worries, rest your head and go to sleep
Maybe one day we'll wake up and this will all just be a dream
Now hush little baby, don't you cry
Everything's gonna be alright
Stiffen that upper lip up little lady, I told ya
Auntie's here to hold ya through the night
I know mommy's not here right now and we don't know why
We feel how we feel inside
She may seem a little crazy, pretty baby
But I promise Haley's gonna be alright