The Logic of a Child
Chapter 2: Introductions of Friends, Old and New….Sorta
By: IMBSA
IMBSA: Here beeth the second chapter. Enjoy. And I apologize if I get facts wrong and anyone OOC. But, this is humor, right? So it shouldn't matter. And, in case I haven't made it clear it's only slightly Royai and EdWin for obvious reasons. Sorry folks. Mostly assumptions and thoughts/feelings on the guys' parts.
Disclaimer: "This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me."
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In a rare panicked state, Roy tried to talk to one of the girls (who had gone back to their previous engagements). He knelt by Riza, paused to regain his composure, and in the least threatening stalker-like voice he could muster up, he asked, "So, what's your name?" As an after-thought, he realized that it sounded like a corny, trite pick-up line. 'Damn, I've done better than that….' But, then again, they weren't four year olds, interested in cooking pretend soup or singing in a pretend band.
Not looking up from her make-believe stew, Riza, in a perfect chibi voice, replied, "My mommy and daddy told me to never talk to strangers."
'Shit, what to do now?' Roy tried a different approach. "Oh, I know you; you're Riza, aren't you?" That caught the girl's attention. She stopped and gave him a funny, unsure look. "See, I'm your…" he stopped searching desperately for an appropriate title. He only came up with one. "Your…Uncle…Roy…." He finished reluctantly.
"Uncle…Roy?" She asked, wide eyes gazing into his. Those young, innocent eyes immediately made the man forget what he was planning to say. There was no doubt that she was a cute little girl. After a moment's deliberation, she quickly said, "Okay!" and returned to her "soup".
Ed, meanwhile, was not having as tough a time. Winry immediately recognized him, calling him endearingly, "Tall tall Ed," which made the blond boy feel good. He guessed that towards her four year old body and, seemingly, mind, he was a giant. Once she was done staring adoringly at him, Winry began making noise with the spoon and her "instruments".
The men looked at each other, momentarily forgotten.
"It must have been the lettuce they ate that made them this way." Alphonse commented. "And if it wasn't permanent for the lettuce, then this isn't either!"
"Yeah, but how long until it wears off, that's the problem!" Ed half-groaned, mussing up his hair to punctuate his point.
"Besides, that was a plant; they're human and—" Roy, who was the one speaking, sucked in a huge breath. "That was—"
With that realization, all three, in unison, finished, "—human transmutation," doom evident in their voices.
Al struck upon an even more horrifying thought. "What if the Fuhrer comes in? We won't be able to explain it away." He cried, something akin to fear in his eyes. "He'd kick us out just because we have kids in there, never mind that we used human alchemy!" In a fit of panicked rambling, Alphonse started to lose it. "He'll notice that the Lieutenant is missing and her uniform is on her and then you'll lose your promotion, Colonel; brother, you'll lose your watch, we'll never find the Philosopher's Stone now and—"
"Al, if I could slap you and not get hurt, I would!" Ed yelled, trying to calm his brother down.
"It's ok, Alphonse, we just have to hide them until it wears off." Roy added. Abruptly he was aware of just how loud his voice sounded, ringing as it was in the sudden silence. Both Ed and Roy slowly turned to find the girls wide-eyed, mouths agape, pointing in Al's direction.
Simultaneously, they began shrieking in stark terror at the large, monstrous, metal figure in the corner of the kitchen.
Roy was beside himself. His hands went up to clutch his black locks. "Shit!" He muttered before dropping to his knees beside Riza. "It's ok, he's not going to hurt you, Uncle Roy's right here—" Riza, blindly seeking comfort, fastened her arms around Roy's neck, taking him by surprise as she buried her face in his chest. "Oh great." He murmured as he tried to soothe the little Riza in his arms. 'This is just a little bit freaky in a Freudian sort of way.'
"Please don't cry," Al entreated, sounding on the verge of hysterics himself. "I'm really nice! I wouldn't hurt a fly! Believe me!"
Winry ceased crying long enough to chuck an iron skillet at Alphonse's head. Her throw connected and Alphonse suddenly became a headless, large, monstrous, metal figure in the corner of the kitchen, reaching out sightlessly for Winry it seemed in the young girl's mind. Winry paired her screaming with large, noisy water works.
"Al, just go!" Ed shouted to his little brother. It made sense. Little Winry wouldn't recognize Alphonse as this huge, metal, monstrosity, but as a young boy.
"As soon as I find my head!" Before long, Al had found that elusive top part of his armor and swiftly made his way out. Roy mentally thanked whichever god-like entity watching that Riza had not seen the little—er, big episode. His arm brushed against something hard and cold strapped to his charge's waist at the back. He felt a twin object at her hip. Slowly and cautiously so as not to upset Riza (she was starting to calm down), he withdrew the items and stared in shocked amazement. Two miniature pistols sat in his hand, just the right size for a little four year old's grip. Eyebrows raised, Roy quietly decided that they had no place in his poor Riza's possession. He was lucky that she hadn't shot off Alphonse's head…or even his own. He made sure the safety was on before placing them carefully in his pocket. Besides, he had an idea on how to replace them with something less harmful—water pistols!
With Alphonse gone, Winry had stopped screaming though tears leaked out of her big, expressive eyes. In a terrified voice that conveyed emotions as only a child's could, Winry half-whispered, "Tall tall Ed….I'm scared." Even Ed could not resist his friend's need for protection. He walked over and picked the girl up, cooing, yes, cooing into her ear.
"It's all right." He told her gently. "You don't know who that was? That was Al," he continued struggling to find the right words to explain Al away to her, "he's my…my…big toy."
Roy looked over at him. "That didn't sound right." He informed the boy.
Ed's tender mood was broken immediately. "Only your twisted mind would misconstrue that, Mustang!" He yelled. "And this coming from the man who's cuddling with the four year old version of his 1st Lieutenant. Sicko."
"Hey. It's not my fault. She grabbed onto me!"
"That doesn't mean you're not enjoying it."
"She's four years old, for god's sake!"
"Yeah, exactly, freak."
"Don't call me a freak, FullMetal. You forget what kind of blackmail I have on you."
"And you think this isn't worthy of blackmail?"
"You have no proof."
"And you do?"
"Excuse me, but who's the four year old here? I couldn't tell from your height. Are you even standing, Ed?"
The boy's face turned scarlet. "What did you—"
Surprisingly, Winry giggled, being amused by Ed's tortured facial expressions.
"Tall tall Ed's funny." She crooned, causing a small grin on Ed's face. He turned his attention to her instead of dignifying his superior officer with a response.
Seeing as how he failed to get a rise out of Ed, Roy craned his neck to look at Riza from where her head was nestled into his shoulder. She was fast asleep after all the hysterics having cried herself into slumber, hand curled into the fabric of his jacket, as if seeking security, legs dangling slightly as he held her off the ground. He couldn't help it; he began to smile at the picture of cuteness she made. Now he knew why Maes cherished his photos so much. 'Photos….Maes….He'd know what to do….'Wait, Elysia has a cold and he's staying home with her. Damn.'
They heard a knock at the door from the hall. Both froze as they surveyed the mess of pots and pans on the floor of the kitchen. "The cooks…are going to kill us." Roy said, convinced of the worst.
Contrary to their speculation, however, the door opened and the head of none other than 2nd Lieutenant Jean Havoc poked through the gap, closely followed by the bespectacled face of Master Sergeant Cain Fury.
"Uh…." Havoc began nervously. "Everything all right, sir?" He asked quizzically, looking around the disheveled room. "There were some reports of…noises from the kitchen. What happened, sir?"
"You and Fury clean this up and see me in my office afterwards." Roy replied, ducking the question and stepping over the pots and pans strewn across the floor. With as much dignity as he could with a small child sleeping in his arms, he walked out.
The two men looked at Ed who was busy scraping the head of lettuce into a towel. One plate of salad remained, which Fury quickly saw.
"Mmm, salad," he murmured, hand moving towards the tempting leaves as if to scoop it up and put it in his mouth.
"Don't touch it! Put it down!" Ed yelled, making poor Cain jump backwards. Ed grabbed the plate and ran out, towel, lettuce, and Winry in tow.
"Whatever, salad Nazi," Havoc muttered as the boy brushed past him. He turned to Fury, who was picking up the mess. "Didya see the Colonel…." He asked, stopping suddenly.
"Yeah."
"I didn't know that they….Nevermind."
"You don't think they…."
"Nah." Pause. "That uniform though….Looks just like…."
"The blonde hair….The clip…twist thingy….You're sure they didn't…."
"I didn't see a ring on their fingers or anything." Another pause. "I would understand if she were, like, a baby or something….The Lieutenant didn't even look like she was…."
"Can a newborn be that big?"
"Nah."
"Where is the Lieutenant anyway?"
"Beats me."
Both men looked ponderingly up. "Hmm…." They said together, then, "Nah."
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IMBSA: Ok, where is the love people? I look at my stats and see that I've had 74 friggin' hits for this story and four reviews. :quickly succumbing to hysterics: Do you have any idea how much pain and anguish this caused me? I fired my makeup and hair stylist because of you. They were good too….When they say hits, I don't think they mean target practice. :slightly back to normal: All I'm tryna say is…your opinion matters a lot to me…especially if it's in my favor 'cause it gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling….So review, dammit. Please and thank you.
And for you exalted, cherished, and dearly-loved reviewers….I have some responses….
MwuattasXTears: Thanks, Dani! Remember, I'm counting on you for that warm fuzziness….And….Please explain the name….
xDarkWingx: Thank you also for the encouragement. Here's the new chapter, especially for those like you, who reviewed.
Someone: Oh, believe me, they will be. Thankies for the review!
Tsunade-chan: Thank you. I hope you enjoy this one too.
Kani00: Well, I'll give you credit for reviewing. TTYL, Mini-Me!
And, please know: this is all in jest. If you smiled even once, it was worth it. But I really do want you to review. If you want.