Author's Note: Forgot to say it earlier but thanks so much to everyone, especially BravoW, Melissa and Tiffany. You guys are way too sweet. And to Cathy who is my new best friend, lol and to Sking2 who had the best grasp on what I was trying to do with this whole Haley's depression storyline. Thanks for seeing past the character's bitchiness and lunacy to the heart of something very real and very disturbing. Thanks for understanding or at least trying to...

Haley emerged from the bedroom, running smack dab into her sister.

"Sorry", she mumbled.

"Whatever."

Haley rolled her eyes.

"God, Taylor, I was just trying to apologize, okay?"

"Fine…you apologized."

"I don't know what else to do, what else to say. I'm sorry. I really am. And I just wanted to thank you for helping me so much this last year, especially this last month."

"Okay."

"Taylor…"

"Haley, I heard you and I accept your apologies. That's fine. I know you've been sick but if that doctor is really helping you and you really want to apologize to someone, why don't you start with your daughter?"

"I know. Look, I…"

"I've got to go. I'm meeting some friends downtown. We'll talk later, alright?"

"Is Karen still here?" Haley asked anxiously.

Taylor shook her head.

"Yeah, she is. Don't worry, Haley bub…one more day you still get to laze in denial and have someone else take care of your responsibilities."

"That's not fair…"

"Tell me about it. Neither is life, kid. Now give my niece a kiss for me", she said as she walked out of the apartment.

As soon as the door shut, Jamma began to cry.

"There, there", Karen ran cooing from the bathroom. "Why is my little angel fussy? I'm right here…oh Haley, I didn't know you were up."

"Yeah…"

"How are you feeling today?"

"Okay…better, I guess."

"That's good to know. Um, can I get you anything? Are you hungry?"

"No…I…I'm fine."

Jamma didn't settle down in Karen's arms. She seemed to scream louder.

"Someone isn't in a good mood", Karen noted as she tried to rock the baby.

"Is…is she okay?"

Karen's eyes shined. It wasn't much but it was the most genuine interest Haley had expressed about her daughter. It was a start. It was a step.

"I think so. She's just unusually fussy today. Would you like to hold her?"

Haley recoiled. She couldn't. Not just yet.

"No, I…"

"It's okay. It's okay, Haley. Really."

"I'm sorry…"

"Don't be. Listen, why don't you back to your room and rest? Jamarah and I will be fine. I'll bring you some hot tea later."

Haley nodded.

"Okay. Thanks, Karen."

She backed away slowly into the privacy and sanctity of her room. The last thing she wanted to do was rest. She had rested enough for a lifetime. Sighing, she pulled out the box that contained a compilation of journals she had kept over the years. She hadn't written in it in a long time.

In typical Haley James fashion, everything had been arranged into organized and neat little albums of remembrance. They were sorted by year. Picking one up from her freshman year of high school, she began to read a random entry.

Dear Diary,

How bad does life suck? Or let me rephrase…at least my life. High school is supposed to be fun but it isn't. It's like one gigantic popularity contest…and guess who isn't popular? I guess being little, plain, boring, homely old me is still better than being one of the oft admired cheer sluts but sometimes I can't help but look at them and be a little jealous. Does that sound crazy or what? They don't have to work at a lard house making disgusting chili dogs all day. And they don't have crazy whores of an older sister named Taylor who get grounded for staying out all night at parties at, of all places, the Scott beach house. First of all, if you know my parents, you'd know you'd have to commit murder for them to ground you and second, who wants to hang out with that cocky jerk Nathan Scott and his merry band of equally arrogant morons? Oh well. At least Keith is taking Karen, Lucas and me fishing this weekend. That's something to look forward to. One bright spot in my tumultuous teenage existence…

She smiled. She had been a bit of a drama queen even way back when, she thought as she picked up another book that been kept during the middle of junior year.

Dear Diary,

Well, it happened. It finally happened and I am deliriously happy. I never thought it would actually happen but I've dreamt about it like a million times and the reality is so much better than anything I could have ever created in my mind. Nathan Scott kissed me. Yes, he finally kissed me. Let's see…I went from hating his guts to being his tutor, to being his friend, to being humiliated by him at his father's stupid party. I found out it wasn't him who showed everybody my note but the incident nevertheless has made me more cautious. I thought we just shouldn't see each other anymore but Brooke Davis of all people set us up on a "dream date". Funny thing is, it was a dream…at first. I was having a really good time and he was being so sweet. Dinner was going well until the rest of the team showed up and Nathan totally denied we were even on a date. I was so pissed off. And so hurt. Then the next morning I find him outside my house throwing rocks at a window to get my attention. Kind of romantic, huh? Would be if it had actually been my window instead of my parents but whatever. I was not gonna fall for his lame ass apologies this time but he did something so unexpected. He kissed me. A real, sweet, long, passionate and very wet kiss. And I loved it! My toes curled and the fine hairs on the back of my neck stood up and my stomach did flip flops. Then the next day (today) was school. I saw him outside surrounded by all the jocks and I smiled at him. But just when it was obvious he was only going to ignore me again, he ran up to me, looked me right in the eyes and tenderly brushed a piece of hair out of my face. I'm gushing right now! And I used to think it was so corny when girls gushed and cooed and got all sappy over guys. Now I am one of those girls…and I absolutely love it!

Haley remembered that day like it had just happened. She'd never forget that. Ever.

Dear Diary,

It's three in the morning and I can't sleep. Wish I could say the same for my husband who is snoring away right now. Husband…gosh, it still feels so weird to actually utter that. I am someone's wife, Nathan Scott's to be exact. I'm a wife before I'm a senior. How about that? But it's great and I love it. I love him. More than I thought possible. I look into those eyes or relax in those arms and I know that's where my whole future lies. He is my life partner, only lover, best friend, and father of our future children. That's a comforting thought I guess because he makes me so comfortable. Today we finally had enough money to get a phone line installed and we spent like two hours recording a cheesy message on the answering service. It ended up with two hours of amazing sex on the floor. Whoa, I guess "Tutor Girl" has come along way!

And she had. A very long way but it was a fateful journey that had ended with her being all alone. Nathan Scott was no longer her life partner, only lover or best friend. But he was the father of her child. A child she longed to love but didn't know how…

Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning and showered, brushed my teeth, got dressed and did my hair and make up. A morning like any other morning, right? Wrong! Yesterday, I did the same thing, trying to share the bathroom with my husband so neither of us would be late for class. Today, I did all that and instead had breakfast with my musical idol, Michelle Branch. She loves my voice and she wanted me on her tour…and Chris Keller made it all happen. It's unreal. I love it and I'm happy but apart me of me is still a bus ride away stuck in Tree Hill. The biggest part of me, actually. I'm making my dreams come true but at what cost? Nathan said if I left, we were done. And what did I do? I left…

She closed her eyes as she read the words she had written so long ago.

Dear Diary,

Tonight I played a sold out concert to over 45,000 screaming fans! I flew into Paris by private jet. I've traveled all over Europe! I signed 212 autographs today and yes my hand does hurt! And I had dinner with a grand shot of the Eiffel Tower in view. Sometimes, I still can't believe it. I wake up and I'm "her". My sister, Quinn, didn't believe that until we were shopping in L.A. one day. I was wearing a ball cap, dark glasses and no make up. I was minding my own business and no one was really bothering us. So I turned to Quinn and said, "Hey, do you want to see me be 'her'?" And of course she had no idea what I meant. But I just went somewhere deep inside me and turned on this inner lamp like I do when I'm onstage. And this light came on and all of a sudden I started to just glow. And the people began bombarding us on the street. Quinn was amazed but so was I. It's a powerful thing to be able to do something like that.

The interviews, the fans, the concerts…it had been a crazy and wonderful unexpected life. Closing the older book, she turned her attention to the newer one. Haley picked up a pen and let the words flow like they always did.

Dear Diary,

Now I live in a whole new world, just because of the birth of an infant girl. She looks at me with eyes so bright, wanting a mother for her guiding light. But I can't be the mother they all want me to be, how can I love her, when I don't even love me? I see the question mark written all over her face, Lillian, please know you did nothing wrong…it is I that is the disgrace.

Haley closed her eyes as the crying continued. She jumped when she heard a knock on the door.

"Haley, I need to run out for a second", Karen announced.

"Okay…"

"Jamarah is sick. She needs medicine and I was going to pick it up at the pharmacy around the corner but I don't want to take her out. Haley, I need you to watch her."

"No."

"Haley…"

"I can't."

"You can't or you won't?"

"I'm sorry, Karen."

"Haley, listen to me. Honey, I know you're scared but it'll be okay. Just watch her for 15 minutes. I promise I will be right back. Please. You have to."

"Karen…"

"I have to get her medicine."

"But…"

"You'll be fine. Trust me, Haley…and trust yourself."

And then they were alone. Haley felt an anxiety attack coming on. She didn't want to be alone with the baby. She was terrified. She didn't trust herself.

She took a deep breath and tried to remember everything she had been talking about in therapy. Her fear, her anxiety, her feelings of low self worth, her guilt, her inadequacies. It would be okay. Karen would be right back.

20 minutes later the baby was still crying. It was loud, shrill and persistent. Haley had never heard anything like it. She was almost afraid to look into the bassinet.

"Please stop", she whispered. "I can't help you."

But it didn't stop. It got worse. With shaking hands, Haley gently rocked the bassinet. No use. Finally she stood and peered inside. For the first time, she didn't see this squawking alien like little creature she felt nothing for. Instead she saw a tiny, helpless, defenseless, beautiful baby. A baby crying out for love and attention. A baby crying out for its mother.

A tear slid down her cheek.

"It's okay…" she said as she moved in closer. "Don't cry."

Breathing heavily she reached in and for the first time in 6 weeks, picked up her daughter. She brought the child close to her breast, cuddling her gingerly. The child seemed to calm instantly although Haley couldn't help but notice she was burning up with fever. Her daughter was sick.

"Haley, I'm sorry I'm late, I…"

Karen stopped dead in her tracks. She couldn't believe it. Haley was actually holding Jamarah.

"Haley, what are you doing?"

"We have to go to the hospital now."

"What…"

"Feel her, Karen. She's burning up."

Karen didn't know whether to be upset for the baby's health or just be happy at the remarkable progress.

"Okay. Let's go. I'll call downstairs for a private car."

"I'm gonna get dressed", Haley said.

Karen nodded.

"Haley?"

"Yeah…"

She smiled and winked, blinking back tears.

"I knew you'd come back to us."