Chapter Seventeen:

Current Mood: hopeful

Current Music: You don't know what it's like - Blue Rodeo

We've been traveling for two days. After speaking with Celeborn, I managed to convince him to let me take a small command with me to Mirkwood to send his good wishes for the King?s begetting day. The mission would also have the secondary benefit of being able to scout the land between Lorien and Mirkwood.

And I'll be able to see Mirien.

I'm surprised; I'm really looking forward to seeing her again. After our last parting, I felt as if I could never care for her like I once did, but for some unknown reason, I have a longing to see her. I have not felt this way since we were first married. Maybe I've just convinced myself that we have a chance; we can start over fresh. Maybe being together for so long has numbed us to our true feelings.

Or maybe it's just wishful thinking.

Tamar looked out over the camp as the others began to settle down for the evening. It had been a long march that day, having passed over the Gladden Fields the night before, but finally they were nearing the Northern Anduin. Lacking a ship that could have taken them the entire journey on the river, and preferring solid ground to open water, Ameron had led his small contingent north following the Misty Mountains. The result was a slightly longer, yet he thought safer, journey to Mirkwood. Only Tamar knew that Ameron's real objective in this mission was to see Mirien.

Ever since that first night when Ameron had shared his thoughts with him, he?d been more open, using Tamar as a sort of support to help him work through what he was feeling. He had come to have a great deal of respect, and yet sympathy for his commander. He thought he understood the situation he was in, and that there really was nothing that could have been or be done about it. He then, seeing how easily one could fall out of love with their spouse, began to fear the same thing happening to he and Garielle. What if, as it seemed to be, one could just run out of love for another person? Could it then happen to people as happily married as he and his wife?

This thought prompted him to begin writing letters to Garielle while they were away from home, letting her know how he missed her and that he thought of her every day. He knew she most likely wouldn't even read them until he was home himself, but he hoped that their meaning would not be lost on her. He found it not only soothed his fears, but also intensified his own love for her. As he looked out over the others as they slept or lay in quiet revere, he wondered if any of them felt the same as he did towards their mates. He hoped they did.

He hoped Ameron did.

"Ameron," Tamar called as he approached the elf. He was sitting, as he often did, staring thoughtfully off into the direction of Mirkwood. Tamar had heard some of the others joke that he looked in the hopes of somehow seeing Miriam, even from this distance. Tamar wondered if he really did see her, in his mind, at least.

"Yes, what is it, Tamar?" He sounded as a man whose mind was far from where his body was, and Tamar knew that he did see Mirien.

"You look as one who is ill, my friend," he said in jest, although he knew it was not. "What troubles you?"

"Oh, but I am ill, Tamar," he moaned. "I have not felt this way since Mirien and I were first married and I was called away to border patrol; my heart misses her terribly." Tamar settled himself down on the grass beside him.

"I have found it helpful when I miss Garielle," he began, leaning forward to glance into the other's eyes, "to write a letter telling her how I feel."

"I will be seeing her in a few days," he responded tiredly.

"The point is not that she will be reading the letter," Tamar said gently, "it is simply an outlet for you to express your feelings- to cleanse yourself of your hurt and loneliness." Ameron looked at Tamar for a long time, mentally weighing the merit of such an exercise.

"Has it helped you?"

"Tremendously," Tamar admitted. He reached into one of his pockets and withdrew a piece of carefully folded paper and handed it to him. Ameron took it thoughtfully, rubbing the texture of the fabric and looking up at the meaningful gaze of his companion. After a brief pause, Tamar let go of the paper and got up, leaving his friend alone.

Ameron unfolded the blank page and smoothed it over his legs. In his pack he found a small quill and inkwell. He removed the stopper from the small bottle and held the quill in his other hand unmoving over the surface of the paper. Then he thought- about home, about his work, where he was going in life, in love and on foot. His head swam with words, all the possibilities of how he could begin, but as he finally dipped the quill in the inkpot and put pen to paper, all those thoughts seemed meaningless to him. Somehow, he found a way to turn off the thoughts in his head, and let flow through his pen the feelings in his heart.

My beloved Mirien,

I am alone. I feel as though a part of me has died. It is because you are not with me. I realized after your visit how empty I feel when we are apart.

I know you said that your love for me has fades, and I do not pretend to know why, but I was hoping that when I see you again, we could start fresh. I want to try again ? to fix my mistakes.

You must think me separate to be saying these things. But I am desperate. I am afraid for us, afraid of losing you. Please do not feel pressured to feel what you do not, but I wanted you to know what I feel.

I feel?hurt. Hurt and a little bit angry. Disappointed, maybe. What is it I have done to make you feel as you do? How have I failed as your husband? Perhaps if I knew I could change ? fix my mistakes and regain our love as it was in our youth.

Or what if you never have loved me? You told me you did several times, but did you ever really mean it? I do not doubt your sincerity, but perhaps it was infatuation, rather than love that you felt. This could explain why I still have those feelings and you do not, for I truly loved you, heart and fea.

I loved you the first time I saw you. You were just an elfling, but I knew even then that you would be my bride. I?ve cherished and cared for you ever since, and when your parents arranged our marriage ? well, it was the happiest I?ve ever felt. Save for, of course, the day we married.

I know I cannot change the past, all I ask is that you allow me to try and build a new future for us.

All my love,

Ameron.