The Logic of a Child

by IMBSA

While trying out an experiment for the military, Ed, Al, and Roy make a tiny, little mistake, which ends up with two pintsize problems: Riza and Winry. COMPLETE.

3. Wreaking Havoc

The Logic of a Child

Chapter 3: Wreaking Havoc

IMBSA: Microsoft Word AutoCorrect can be my worst enemy sometimes. As you may notice, especially in my review responses, things have been modified (i.e. capitalized, etc.) when they should not be. Sometimes it has the balls to correct deliberate misspellings! Such was the case in the previous chapter when Winry said that she was scared. In this chapter, she has a lisp, and in that one, she did not. You see where, I'm taking this, don't you? Anyway, I'll correct it later in the second chapter. I'd also like to clarify something: Roy is not supposed to be a pedophile. He is not a pedophile. He is a Rizaphile, and that is the only reason he is reacting to her in the way he does. He feels very awkward with the position he is given and forced into.

Disclaimer: "Life is like a bird: pretty cute until it shits on your head."

IMBSA: Warning: Chapter is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay longer than usual. We just had a lot to say.

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"Just WHO is this adorable, doll-like creature?" Major Alex Louis Armstrong bellowed enthusiastically when he met Ed and Winry in the hall. "I must know this angel's name!"

Ed glanced nervously from the girl's face to the sparkling one of the major's. "Er….You do."

"No, no, no, no, I would remember the name of such an alluring personage! The Armstrong family is known for their extensive skill of recognition and recall!"

Ed sighed. "Major Armstrong….Meet Winry Rockbell."

Armstrong's eyes seemed to fill with tears. "Such a beautiful name for such a beautiful girl!" He paused. "Why does the name sound familiar?"

"Remember my mechanic…by the same name?"

"How sweet, she's named after that vision of lithe charm I encountered in your home town."

"Not exactly….She is that vision of (ahem) lithe charm." Armstrong gave him a slight frown.

"That is quite impossible. No, no, you are mistaken; this is clearly a different girl." Suddenly he peered closely into her eyes. "Oh…my….the deepness of her hypnotizing magic in her eyes looks….Winry! It is you! Forgive me; I have misspoken. Do you remember me?" Looking slightly frightened, though not as much as she did with Al, Winry wordlessly shook her head, at first slow, and then fast. Armstrong put his fist to his heart. "My heart breaks…."

Seeing the growing fear in Winry's eyes Ed interceded. "Don't worry, he's really sweet, like, like a…a big, cuddly teddy bear." Slowly, a blazing smile stretched across her face.

"Teddy-sama…." She whispered happily and fell into the Major's open arms.

"Come to me, precious wonder of nature." Ed could have sworn that the sparkles had turned to hearts as the big man said those words. "You shall henceforth be known as…my niece!"

Ed raised an eyebrow. "Your niece? Excuse me, but you guys aren't—"

"Well, you couldn't very well say that she is the lovely lady that comes to visit you every month since you parade her around like a trophy; they will wonder what happened. I however, do not. Isn't that right, my beautiful niece?"

Winry's response was an exuberant, "Teddy-sama!" Ed pinched the bridge of his nose wearily. Well, at least she wasn't causing too much commotion.

"Look at my niece!" Armstrong's energetic roar resounded from around the corner where he thrust the little girl into the face of the first person he met: Scheszka, the poor aide of Lt. Col. Maes Hughes.

Ed also heard the girl's mumbled, "Oh no; not another Hughes…."

It seemed that Winry didn't need to do anything in order to attract attention; the Major was quite successful in doing that himself.

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Roy had called a meeting to order in his office. It was a very private meeting, with only his men within and several scouts outside to make sure the Fuhrer was not coming. Breda, Falman, Havoc, and Fury sat on the couch while a still-slumbering Riza curled up in the Colonel's chair. Roy himself was leaning on the edge of the desk.

Before Roy could start, Havoc asked, "Is she yours, sir?" Jerking his head in the snoozing girl's direction.

"No. Not exactly." Roy answered.

"Not exactly, sir?" Havoc repeated puzzledly.

"What I say here remains here." He paused, looking each of his subordinates in the eyes. "Some of you may be wondering: where is my—I mean, the 1st Lieutenant?" He started, trying to choose his words carefully. "Well, to answer…." He gave a glance at the figure in his chair. "This is 1st Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye behind me."

The men looked from Roy to the four-year-old and back again in slight shock. And then began laughing uproariously, almost waking her up. She frowned, stirred a little, then turned over and resumed sleeping. The men stopped chuckling when they noticed that Roy did not find it amusing. His serious face seemed to quiet the room and at least half-convince some of them. A few of the men began coughing conspicuously or clearing their throats.

"Sir? Do you mean to say that…that….How did this happen?" Falman was incredulous in his inquiries. Roy sighed heavily.

"Let's just say that…it happened…and leave it at that." Roy responded.

"Will she be like that forever, sir?" Fury asked timidly.

"No, we're sure it's temporary. We just don't know…how long it will last." Roy replied. "Now, the Fuhrer has hinted that he would come by, so I'll…need help," he said the last two words almost sheepishly, "taking care of her." He paused. "We'll watch her in shifts so none of our work is neglected."

"Sir, what should we do if the Fuhrer does show up?" Havoc asked.

"Hide her. Quickly. And say that…the Lieutenant is…not herself, and so she did not come to work today. Fury, you'll take the first shift; you seem to do well enough with children."

Fury looked up, eyes wide. "Me sir?" He saw the look in Roy's eyes and imperceptively gulped. "Yes sir."

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Fury sat nervously on Roy's couch, watching Little Riza as he had come to think of her. His shift was almost over and she had not even moved (unless one counted when Roy had carried her from his chair to the couch as well as her breathing). Fury had no problem getting along with his sister's children (and basically any other youngster that came along), but somehow, he just couldn't believe that the innocent looking girl before him was the same gun-wielding, stern-faced woman who almost made him piss his pants whenever she so much as looked at him. The same one who had put seven bullet holes in the office wall simply to discipline her new pup. The one who….Well, you get the idea. It made him wonder what had caused her to become so different. What had happened in her past that was so dreadful that she turned out the way she di—his thoughts were cut off when he glanced up at the clock. Havoc's turn. But, as Fury got up and went to retrieve the 2nd Lieutenant, he couldn't help but regret that he didn't have time to play with her. The Colonel had expressly limited them to two hour shifts, though Roy's was the last one.

Havoc, apparently had been watching the clock too. He stood, gazing with an expression so full of dread that Fury almost laughed. Instead, the Master Sergeant whispered, "It'll be fine. She slept through my whole shift. She was a veritable angel." Havoc snorted derisively, as though he could never believe that 1st Lieutenant Hawkeye, who terrorized Havoc just as much as she did Fury, could ever be described using the word "angel" or "angelic" or anything that made Riza out to be anything than the stuff of darkest nightmares. Havoc was still convinced that dynamite came in small packages. Hell, whenever Riza was concerned gunpowder and/or explosions always came with her.

But then he looked at her again. She was the epitome of innocence while she slept so soundly. He doubted that anything short of a natural disaster could wake her. 'Maybe this shift will be easy.'

"Sir, I got more paperwork for you!" Breda yelled, practically throwing a HUGE stack of papers onto the Colonel's desk with a loud thump! Everyone looked up at him irritatedly. "What?" He asked out loud when he saw their annoyed stares. He returned to his desk, seemingly clueless.

Fury looked at Havoc, apology in his eyes. "Good luck. I mean it." He murmured. On second thought, maybe Cain didn't want to be around her when she was awake.

Breda had not just broken the silence; he had shattered it into oblivion. And with that came—movement and stirring.

Riza sat up slowly, rubbing her eyes and stretching, sure signs that the girl was awakening for real this time. Yawning silently, Riza seemed to perpetually move. She froze when she saw Havoc. Her eyes widened and she informed him, "My mommy and daddy told me to never talk to strangers." She curled into a ball, hugging her knees and suspiciously eyeing the 2nd Lieutenant with those same piercing brown eyes. As usual, they turned Havoc into a spineless coward so he stuttered over his words.

"H-hi, I-I'm y-your Un-un—"

"Where's my Uncle Roy?" She asked, voice growing in volume with every word. "I want my Uncle Roy!" She demanded.

Havoc's limited patience had had enough. "Of course you want your Uncle Roy, you always want your Uncle Roy!" He cried exasperatedly. The 2nd Lieutenant knew he had made a mistake when the Colonel set his papers down, glaring at Havoc with an expression he must have learned from Riza.

"Your…Uncle Roy's right here, Riza, behind you." Roy responded. "This is…your Uncle…Jean." Havoc's face crumpled, mouth agape in disbelief. "He'll…play with you." Roy paused, eyes never leaving Havoc's face. "He loves to jump rope and play…hopscotch." He resumed working after one final cool glare in Havoc's direction.

"Really?" Now that this tall, thin strange man had Uncle Roy's approval, Riza seemed none too shy of the blond smoker. Her eyes were alight and practically glowed. "I love those games too, Uncle Jean."

"It's not Uncle Jean, it's Uncle Havoc," Havoc emphasized.

Riza gave him a distrustful look. "Is it Uncle Havoc or Uncle Jean? 'Cause Uncle Roy said that you were Uncle Jean." With her back to him, the young girl could not see the smirk that appeared on Roy's face as he gazed at his papers.

Havoc bit his knee-jerk response ("Screw what Uncle Roy said!") back and answered, "I'm Uncle Havoc."

Riza nodded as if in understanding. "OK, Uncle Jean." Havoc's left eye twitched. "What's wrong with your eye, Uncle Jean?"

"God I need a smoke," he muttered to himself before he answered her question. "It's just something that happens when I'm totally pis—perturbed." He caught himself, but was too late to stop from cursing.

"What's pis—perturbed mean?"

"Um….It means….Um….Never mind. Let's jump rope."

"Yay!" She clapped her hands together, smiling brilliantly. Then she stopped. "But we don't have a jump…rope…." She trailed off, staring at Havoc, or, more specifically, his right shoulder.

Unnerved, Havoc asked, "What?" Riza staring, unblinking, at Havoc's shoulder.

"Jump rope!" She shrieked, surprisingly loud pipes for someone so small. Before the words had even left her mouth, she had vaulted face-first over the back of the couch, quite literally pouncing on Havoc. Her hands closed around the golden, braided rope coming from his epaulette. She was resourceful, even at this young age.

"What the he—" Havoc began, being cut off when he felt the girl's full weight on his shoulder as she nearly pulled his arm out of its socket trying to get her "jump rope". "No….Don't!" He yelled. "That hurts! Get off me, you damn harpy!" Riza gasped, not letting go of her prize.

"You said a naughty word!" The rest of her sentence turned sulky. "I'm telling Uncle Roy!"

"I think he already heard me, OK?"

But Riza was calling, "Uncle Rooooooooooooooooooooooy!" In a sing-song voice, letting go of Havoc's uniform, so as not to seem to have been doing anything incriminating.

"Yes, Riza?" The Flame Alchemist responded like a faithful dog.

"Uncle Jean's not being nice to me." Tears were already welling in her eyes, almost falling, but not quite. "He called me a damn harpy."

"No, I didn't!"

"Yes you did, stop fibbing!" She ran over to Roy, attaching herself to the shin of his boot, tears now overflowing her eyes. "I'm not a damn harpy, am I Uncle Roy?"

"No, you're not." He answered, looking up at Havoc coldly. 'He made her cry….Bastard. She's only 4 years old….' Roy patted her head impulsively. Riza smirked into the folds of his pantleg as though she somehow knew Uncle Roy would always be on her side. "Uncle Jean, need I remind you of her young age?"

"She attacked me! She was tearing at my uniform!…Sir," Havoc attempted to defend himself.

Roy opened a drawer on the left side of his desk as deftly as he could with a four year old clinging to his leg. He drew out a brown leather jump rope with wooden handles and gave it to the girl.

"Yay!" Riza exclaimed and took the gift from her "Uncle Roy" and ran to Havoc. "Let's play jump rope!"

However, any attempts after that moment to have a good, organized game of jump rope were foiled by the opening of the door so forcefully that it slammed against the opposite wall. Havoc, remembering Roy's instructions, grabbed Riza's arms as if to conceal her on the other side of the couch. Fortunately for them, it was only Major Armstrong. A very distressed and harried-looking Major Armstrong who saluted smartly before approaching Roy's desk.

"Sir, I am in need of your assistance," he said.

Roy raised his eyebrows. "What happened?"

As this was going on, Havoc began playing his form of jump rope by holding the rope over Little Riza's head and having her jump for it. The news Armstrong brought was too good for him to miss.

"Sir, it's about…my niece."

"Your niece?"

"Er….Winry. She…dismantled Edward's foot and now she can't put it back together again, Sir."

"Are we talking about the same Winry here, sir?" Havoc asked. "How could she not know how to repair him?"

At that point, Riza grew impatient and kicked Havoc's shin. The rope quickly dropped.

The Major remained tightlipped about that, but continued his conversation with Roy. "Who gave her the tools? And more importantly, why?" The Colonel asked, pinning Armstrong with a sharp look.

"I did sir. She asked me for them and I…was captivated by her puppy-dog eyes. I could not resist." He placed a fist to his chest and bowed. "I am weak; I have failed." His random sparkles fell, as though sensing no need to shine. This of course, caught Riza's eye.

Roy nodded. "Bring her in, Armstrong."

"SHINY!" Armstrong looked down to find another little girl sifting through the pile of sparkles that lay at his feet. The four year old looked up, eyes slowly making their way to his face. She blinked up, once, twice, and then a third time.

"You look like….My mouth will not say." He saluted Roy again and then turned on his heel before striding out of the room.

"Oh, yes, finally, some help with that…Riza." Havoc muttered, rubbing his shin.

There was pause as Roy coughed to get their attention as he stood up. "I think you misunderstand 2nd Lieutenant Havoc. Men, I have another announcement to make."

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A few, shell shocked moments later, Armstrong appeared escorting a crying chibi Winry.

"His foot is bwoken," Winry cried in a pitiful sob. "He can't walk anymow," she had quite a pronounced lisp, "I- I just wanted to see how his foot worked. So Teddy-sama gave me my tools and I stawted taking it apawt since Tall tall Ed was sleeping. He told me to go away, I don't think he likes me anymow."

Armstrong could not stand it, "Sir, I request permission to leave, sir. This piteous crying is just wrenching at my heart strings, sir."

"Dismissed, Major. See if you can help Edward." With a quick nod, the major once again saluted. He hugged Winry one last time, and gave her hand to Havoc. He swiftly left the office.

"Wait, wait---Sir, am I to have ,"Havoc gulped, "both of them under my charge?" His unlit cigarette was precariously balanced on his bottom lip. On one side, he was holding the hand of a very heart-broken Winry, wet tears still sat on her lashes, the index finger of the other hand in her mouth. On the other side, Riza was pulling him by the hand, telling him to "play jump rope the right way".

Roy smirked, "You might want to start turning your jump rope Lt. Havoc. I understand four year olds get bored quickly."

Havoc noticed that the two little blondes were getting along nicely softly discussing something. Maybe the two of them will keep each other company and stay out of his hair? Little did Havoc know Riza had given the softly sobbing Winry a little black water pistol. The two looked at Uncle Jean who was rummaging through his pockets, a thin, white stick balanced on his lower lip, he seemed distracted.

"Who's dat guy?" Winry whispered to Riza.

"Oh-that's Uncle Jean…. You know what? His left eye jumps up and down when he's pisperturbed. And you know what? He called me a damned harpy. And you know what? Uncle Roy said he likes to play hopscotch and jump rope, But I think Uncle Jean lied to Uncle Roy about that," Riza revealed.

"Oh—let's play jumpwope," Winry began walking slowly with Riza to Uncle Jean, but then changed her mind. Winry whispered something into Riza's ear and quickly returned to the sofa directly across from Uncle Jean. Havoc observed Riza approached him alone..

"Winry said she wants to play jump rope…real jump rope."

"Why doesn't Winry tell me herself."

"Winry said she's scared of you….you might call her a damn harpy," with her message delivered, Riza skipped back to Winry. The two youngsters seemed to have another short discussion.

Riza skipped back to Havoc, "Uncle Jean…Can you get pisperturbed, Winry wants to see your left eye jump………Look, Winry! It's jumping see?" Winry ran to Uncle Jean to get a better look. Havoc's unlit cigarette fell to the floor.

"You're 'posed to be playing jumpwope, and hop scotch with us, Uncle Jean,"

Winry bravely disclosed.

"Yeah, Uncle Jean….I'm, gonna tell Uncle Roy," Riza threatened walking slowly to the Colonel's desk. After all it did work before. Just then, Winry had an idea . She picked up the unlit cigarette Havoc dropped on the floor, smiled and ran away with it.

"Hey! Gimme that!" Havoc shouted, only to be greeted in the face by a squirt of water. He tried to run after quick little Winry who was giggling as she ran around the coffee table, sofa and Havoc himself. Riza ran to join in on the fun, water pistol in hand. She too began giggling scampering wildly around Roy's office furniture, pointing her pistol expertly at Havoc who kept wiping his face and trying to block his eyes from the squirts of water coming from the toy pistols. Havoc decided to stay in one place until one of the little rug rats ran past him. "Gotcha!" he hollered grabbing both of Winry's arms by the shoulders. Lifting her up she continued to giggle showing that her little fingers did not possess his last cigarette. "Wha--?" Another stream of water hit him in the face. He felt another blast hit the backside of his formerly crisp uniform pants.

"Uncle Jean!" He heard the other girl's little voice cry out. There, standing on top of his desk, was little Riza taunting him with his last cigarette held in her fingers and a water pistol in the other, "You got the wrong girl!" she said. It was only fitting that Riza shouted that to him.

He let go of Winry who ran away still laughing, "You're slow, Uncle Jean!" Winry shot him in the shoulder this time. Riza again squirted him in the face and baited him with his cigarette.

"Why you little--!" Havoc could not finish, not only was he totally winded, he was distracted as Winry wet the back of his pants with the pistol. Riza threw the now broken cigarette to the floor. Havoc's heart sank as he caught sight of his last cigarette broken in two.

Riza continued her taunting chant, "You're too slow! We're too fast! Two little girls can kick your-!"

"RIZA! GET DOWN!" Riza jumped at the sound of the commanding voice and promptly followed the directions. She walked slowly to the couch joining a sullen Winry, head bowed sadly.

Havoc turned to see Roy standing behind his desk, one palm spread on his desktop, his other hand pointing at the floor, eyes scathingly glaring at the two four year olds.

The office was ominously quiet, as the two blond whirlwinds finally settled in on opposite ends of the couch.

"Thank you sir," Jean Havoc felt vindicated.

But this feeling was short lived as Roy explained, "I didn't do that for you…I did that for the sake of the paperwork. Those water pistols would ruin the countless hours of sweat and time we have placed on these stacks."

"Sir, I'll have you know…Those two little girls will drive you to drink…Rather heavily I might add! " Havoc wiped his wet face with the sleeve of his uniform. He glanced at the clock and saw that he had ten more minutes before his god forsaken shift was over. The Flame Alchemist did not forget that one of those the four year olds Havoc referred to was Riza Hawkeye. Feeling the need to intervene, Roy approached the two little girls.

"Girls. This is not a playground, so we have to make sure we're not running around and—and—"

"And having fun?" Little Riza interjected.

"Well-yeah-something like that. That was a very, very bad thing you girls did to Uncle Jean."

"He made me jump up for the rope, Uncle Roy. Besides, playing chase is fun," Riza admitted.

"He wouldn't jump wope at all, so we had to think of anothew game," Winry confessed.

"You'll need to stop playing like that," Roy said sternly.

"Yeah—he'll be so pisperturbed his left eye might pop out of his face," Riza solemnly agreed.

"True," Roy smiled to himself, "you don't want to see that now, do you?"

The two girls looked at each other and looked back at Roy, then surprisingly nodded their heads, "yes" with a smile,

"Look, you made Uncle Roy really –upset. So you will sit here quietly, or play nice with Uncle Jean."

"Only if he plays nice with us," Riza proposed looking over at him. Roy shot Havoc a look of warning.

"Uncle Jean will play nice with you, won't you Uncle Jean?" Roy hinted.

"Sir, yes, sir," Jean snapped to a salute.

Roy went Riza's desk and threw Havoc a roll of masking tape.

"Here. Set them up for a game of hop-scotch. Use the tape to make the squares."

"Thanks Uncle Roy!" the two girls said in unison with brilliant, angelic smiles on their faces. Satisfied, Roy turned to walk back to his desk. Havoc watched the two girls whispering to one another. As they caught sight of Havoc staring, both Winry and Riza raised their pistols and flicked out their tongues.

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IMBSA: Poor, poor Havoc. But he deserves it. Riza sure was a hell-raiser when she was younger. She definitely calmed down by the start of the show. You also may be wondering how Roy got a hold of water pistols. The answer….A conveniently placed plot-hole? They're alchemists, dammit. They can do practically whatever they want. I admit, y'all are doing a better job of showing me the love….The warm fuzzies overtake me. If I were Armstrong, I'd be sparkling. Dead cert.

AnimeFreaks13: Thanks for the review! You know how children are at that age, cute no matter what. Unless they look like Chuckie. Then they're just plain freaky and weird. And scary, did I mention that?

Crazyanimefreak15: Do three day intervals sound good enough to you?

Jessica: Wellz, here's number three?

Tofu Dragon: Thanks for the review and encouragement! I'm glad you like it.

D: We tried to make it sorta cute, considering that one of the most badass characters (IMHO) is turned into a four year old. Not to mention the woman who throws wrenches like the pro pitcher we know she can be. Chibis seem to make it all better, don't they?

Lone Metal Wolf: I have one thing to say::whimpers pitifully: All right, Lone Metal-sama, here's your chapter::cringes, hiding head behind Kevlar vest:

Az4ever: I'm glad it piques your interest! Have fun waiting for the next chapter with these in mind!

Kaeru Soyokaze: I appreciate the review, but I think we've gone over the "pedophile" issue, both in the story and in the ANs. I think basically anyone in that anime would be cute as a chibi. Hell, I think all chibis are inherently cute. It just comes with the territory.

Tsunade-chan: Sorry to disappoint you, but we have no plans for Hughes to come bail them out just yet. Roy and Ed and co. must suffer a little bit more. And, uh….:hokey-pokeys:

Tora-chan: Here's the new chapter!

Pichu172B: Believe me, we wanted a chibi Fury too, but I think that that would be too much cuteness for any of us to handle with the combined effects of all three chibis. Besides, we're trying to make the story about the guys seeing a different, more vulnerable side to their partners and have them become closer because of that (even if you can't tell with the way the story's going).

Kani00: Good thing you read it Mini-me, otherwise I'd have to hunt you down, strap you to a chair and make you read it if it killed me!

Maylin-chan: The site is www . fullmetal-alchemist . com. (Take out all the spaces; you know how fanficdotnet is about URLs.) Go to galleries and search for "Show and Tell" It only has Roy, Riza, Fury, Havoc, and Breda, but it's still cute. They also have a few others that have them as youngsters on the same site (though the names escape me at the moment). Be my guest and check them out! Good to see you like it!