The Boring Author's Note Part: I still don't own any property over the Excel Saga franchise, much as I would like to. However, I do own all the mangas, the dvd's, a wallscroll, and this really bitchin' lunch box. As I touched upon in the note last time, there's still a gigantic lack of good Excel Saga fanfiction, and I set out to fix this, even though I know this will only be read by three or four people, two of whom I forced to read this fanfiction at gun-point. In specific, I read an Excel Saga fanfiction so terrible that I actually felt a civic duty to my love of the franchise to write another fanfiction to try to cover up for it. If you're wondering what fanfiction that was, be sure to check out my
Unlike last time's fanfiction where I poked fun at my favorite target - namely, other fanfiction - this time around I'm setting my sights at lampooning (that's my big word of the day) Anime conventions. Chances are, if you're on you've been to at least one anime convention. If not, I highly reccomend it, as chances are you'll find at least one person whose life is considerably worse than yours, which can be a great confidence booster.
Once more, Koshi Rikudo did not give me any permission to write this. But hey, I found some Tenchi Muyo hentai he did. Isn't that awesome?
Oh, and to my first review by the lovely Hoshi-kun: I'm sorry you find my story so "discusting" - all none of it you must've read. I'll try not to make you "puck" in the future, and will make sure my "charcters" are more in "charcter" next time around.
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CHAPTER ONE:
A NEW MISSION
Somehow, it was another peaceful day in the City of F. The sun was shining down, a light breeze kept the many pedestrians going from place to place cool, and somewhere, a stray cat was being pulled into a long black limo for use in a horrifying experiment attempting to create the world's first real cat girl. All of this peace, though, was momentarily brought to a screeching halt when a similar screeching voice was heard echoing throughout the City.
"OH, LORD ILPALAZZO!" The voice shrieked. "IF I CANNOT HAVE YOU, LIFE IS NOT WORTH LIVING ANYMORE!"
There was a momentary pause, before the entire populace of the City gave a casual shrug and continued on with their various existences.
The existence which shrieked that cry, though, was currently sitting on it's heels in a dark room inside a normally bright apartment complex. The existence in question, obviously, was that of Excel Excel, loyal agent to the Secret Ideological Organization of ACROSS.
But you knew that already.
Excel's room was black as midnight despite the sun outside, the shutters pulled down over the windows. A hasty bricking job covered the windows that didn't come with shutters. The only light in the room came from the dozen or so candles placed in a circle around where she sat, vaguely illuminating her features, and the portrait of Lord Ilpalazzo which lay before her. The dancing light of the flames cascaded over her face, giving brief light to the tears that slowly ran down her cheeks, occasionally dripping down onto the portrait of her beloved Lord.
Her arms held out in front of herself, the blonde's fingers wrapped cautiously around the hilt of a long blade that had been laid on the ground beside herself. With shaking hands, Excel slowly brought the blade up in front of her chest. Her green eyes, usually so bright and vibrant, slowly closed for what may be the final time.
"Forgive me, Lord Ilpalazzo."
And as those whispered words left her lips, Excel brought the dagger up, and prepared to plunge the blade deep within herself. At least, until Hyatt poked her head into the room. "Senior?" The dark-haired woman asked aloud in her usual breathy voice. "May I ask what you're doing in here?" The Junior member of ACROSS raised her arm with a noticeable effort, and flicked the light switch on.
Excel's eyes shot open as soon as the bright light from the bulbs above filled the room, turning to give a casual wave of one hand towards Hyatt, the other still holding the blade securely. "Oh, hiya, Ha-chan! See, I noticed that the only way to get a ton of reviews is to have someone kill themselves, and I thought it might be an easy way to shoot this one straight to the top!"
Hyatt tilted her head curiously. "Well, that would explain your sudden interest in Linkin Park and clothes from Hot Topic. But, Senior, wouldn't killing yourself result in you... Dying?"
With a slight scoff, Excel shook her head. "No! Of course not! I'm not that stupid you know, Ha-chan. This is one of those fake novelty blades you can buy! It's all an act!" The blonde punctuated this fact by taking the blade with the hand still holding it and stabbing herself in the opposite shoulder twice. "See?"
After watching this display, a cheerful smile slowly appeared on Hyatt's lips as the sickly woman clasped her hands together cheerfully. "Oh, what a brilliant idea, Senior. Is that part of the act, too?" Hyatt asked, pointing a finger towards the stream of blood that had begun to gush from the wound Excel had just inflicted upon herself with her very real knife.
The blonde agent of ACROSS quickly turned her head to follow Hyatt's point, then let out a yelp of surprise when she saw the gushing blood. She quickly turned her head back to Hyatt, dropping the knife and poking herself on the side of her head with her hand. "Actually, I hadn't planned on that! Ha-chan? Get the ampoule! And make it snappy! We still have a mission briefing in 0100 hours!"
0100 HOURS LATER...
From his usual position in that snazzy chair/throne of his, Lord Ilpalazzo looked out over the ACROSS Headquarters. With an annoyed sigh, he turned his head down, raising his arm to stare at an expensive-looking watch that was located around his wrist. After staring at it for several moments, he resumed his usual bored position, placing an elbow down on the arm of the chair while resting his chin in the palm of his hand.
"They're late."
0200 HOURS LATER...
"HAAAAAAAAIL ILPALAAAAZZZOOOOO!"
The dual cry came from the ever-loyal agents of ACROSS, who both stood with their arms raised proudly, frozen momentarily in their usual salute. Excel, however, looked rather worse for wear today. There was a hastily put-together bandage on her right shoulder, which seemed to have been put together through a combination of Elmer's Glue, several packs of Band-Aids, and a few rolls of toilet paper. Somehow, her skin had managed to become even more pale than Hyatt's. After a few scant moments of holding the salute, Excel slithered down to the ground, collapsing onto the floor.
"You're late." Lord Ilpalazzo said cooly, lowering the glasses that rested on his nose for a brief moment to gaze out over the two agents, before pushing it back up once more with his index finger. He looked to where Excel had collapsed, then back up to the still-standing Hyatt, raising an eyebrow curiously. "Hmm. Have you two swapped personalities somehow again?"
From her spot on the ground, Excel quickly shook her head, attempting to raise a hand into the air to salute again, though it soon limply flops back to the ground. "Oh, no, of course not, Lord Ilpalazzo! We would never think of rehashing plot ideas from an episode that wasn't even shown on air!"
Hyatt finally ended her salute, giving a concerned look down towards Excel before bringing her eyes to Ilpalazzo once more. "We apologize, Lord Ilpalazzo. Senior Excel injured herself in an attempt to raise our Reviews."
Lord Ilpalazzo gave another curious look to Excel before slowly raising up out of his chair, then one of those signature dramatic gestures with his arm, tossing his cape back behind himself again. "An honorable gesture, even in the corrupt society of today! For this, Excel, you will be rewarded."
Excel's eyes lit up, her head poking up from where it had been laying on the floor. "R-rewarded, Sir!" She stammered. "Is Excel hearing you correctly!"
The purple-haired man gave a grave nod of his head, then raised his hand, pulling down on a rope that was all-too-familiar to Excel. However, the floor did not open up underneath her, as she had expected. Instead, a small golden medal hung above her, suspended from a very thin piece of string. With a lightly shaking hand, Excel reached up, making a fumbling grab for the medal, missing it entirely. Another attempted grab, another miss. The blonde then tried to stand up, but found herself lacking the strength, flopping back down onto the floor.
"Very well!" Ilpalazzo finally announced. "As Agent Excel seems incapable of accepting the award, then Agent Hyatt will have to accept it on her behalf." The man tugged the rope again, and the string swung over, the medal landing perfectly on Hyatt's chest and sticking there. The string then quickly moved back up into the ceiling, minus the medal. Excel could be faintly heard letting out a small sob.
Ilpalazzo adjusted his glasses briefly, then cleared his throat as he rose from his throne. "Now, moving on to more pressing matters..." He began, giving another dramatic toss of his cape. "The world is corrupt!" He announced, then sat back down in his chair, resuming that bored expression. "But you were no doubt already aware of that. However, despite our best efforts otherwise, the amount of corruption in this city seems to grow every day."
The man then paused, looking to Excel. "Hmm. This would normally be where I was interrupted by Agent Excel." The blonde had apparently passed out a minute or so ago. "Maybe this will wake her up." He reached up, and gave a sharp tug on the rope. This time, the floor opened up underneath Excel, and she silently dropped down into the infamous pit. Moments later, a loud splash could be heard.
"AAH! COLD! Excel is COLD! And WET!"
"There, much better." Lord Ilpalazzo said with an approving nod of his head. "Now, as I was saying, the city is growing more corrupt by the moment. Unless we take drastic measures to counter-balance the corruption, I fear this city, and eventually even the World, may be beyond the point of saving." Pressing a button on the arm of his throne, a small projector screen slowly lowered down into view. "Fortunately, however, I have managed to find the exact point of corruption in the world today."
With a small 'Click!', an image of George W. Bush was displayed on the projector screen.
"Wait, no. The last thing we need to do is squeeze in some awkward attempt at political commentary."
With another 'Click!', the image on the projector switched to that of a seemingly normal hotel.
Hyatt tilted her head curiously, her dark brown eyes blinking slowly. "Hotels are the source of evil in this world, Lord Ilpalazzo?"
"Not hotels, Agent Hyatt, but what goes on within them."
Another 'Click!'. The scene transfers to that of chaos. The sight of well over a thousand pasty white men and women, clamoring over each other and trampling others is displayed.
"Specifically, Anime conventions."
It was at this time that a very wet yet significantly more lively Excel manages to crawl her way out of the pit, spitting out a fish before standing up once more, giving Ilpalazzo another sharp salute. "Lord Ilpalazzo, Sir! Although Excel couldn't hear you very well as she was climbing her way up again, she agrees absolutely and unquestioningly with whatever it is you just said!"
Lord Ilpalazzo continued as if Excel wasn't there. "Your mission is to infiltrate a high-profile anime convention unnoticed, get closer observations on the Ignorant Masses attending, then perform whatever duties are necessary to sabotage the convention. To help you, you will be meeting with a covert agent on the first day of the 'Con', as the Ignorant Masses call it. As of now, you have one and a half weeks to prepare for this mission. Use your time wisely. As discretion is of the utmost importance, you will both be given code-names."
Lord Ilpalazzo turned his gaze over to Hyatt. "Agent Hyatt. For this mission, your code-name will be: Diamond Rothguard." He then slowly looked to Excel. "Agent Excel? You will be Raging Shuttlecock."
Excel's face fell into a blank stare. Immediately, her good arm shot up into the air. "Um, Lord Ilpalazzo, sir? May I politely request a code-name that doesn't sound like a perverted Megaman X boss?"
Ilpalazzo gravely shook his head. "All code-names are final, Agent Excel. Now, I suggest that you two hurry your preparations."
The two agents simultaneously nodded, then both quickly saluted their Lord. "HAAAAIL ILPALAA-" The cry was cut off, Hyatt's words becoming garbled as she coughed up a large amount of blood, collapsing forward into the pool. Excel held her salute, turning her head down to look to the comatose woman.
"I was kind of waiting for that to happen, honestly."
With a renewed vigor, Excel clicked her heels together and turned her attention back to Ilpalazzo.
"HAAAAIIILLL IIILLPAAAALAAZZOO!"
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END-O CHAPT-O ONE-O.
I'll keep this brief, as the after-story ranting a person makes is usually pretty weak. See, it's kind of like sex - for most people, after they're done with it, they just want to roll over and get to sleep. My last story was all uploaded at one time, since I had written it all at one time. This one, however, is still a work in progress, and it may take me a little while to write the next Chapter. It really depends on how bored I am, or how much insomnia is striking me that night. Until now, I'll just keep up this first chapter, and let the reviews sloooowwwlly trickle in. Drip... Drip.