A/N A spin off from a line I wrote for We'll Always Have The Beach, about Jordan being in limbo, her heart, her mind, and her body all telling her different things about what she should do, who she should love, and I think it fits her very well, hence this. From My Head to My Heart is a song by Evan and Jaron that came to mind while writing this-don't own the characters either, but I am borrowing them for this...:)
He told you that you didn't mean what you said, that you had only said it because you felt sorry for him, because he was going in for surgery, because he ran the risk of being paralyzed for life, because he nearly died. That you hadn't meant it, it was just something you said because you had nothing else to say.
You've thought a lot about it since that day, about if you really did mean those words or not. Your brain has been telling you nonstop that you should love him, that he loves you, that he went out and bought you a ring, that he said it could mean anything, that it didn't have to mean a serious commitment, but you knew it was what he wanted, and you turned him down.
And your brain's been tormenting you ever since. It keeps telling you that he's perfect for you, that he's the stability to your chaos, he's the one to keep you in line when you go reeling of with abandon, that he's the nice little farm boy, the all American boy next door that's perfect for you, the type of guy that other girls can only fantasize about.
And he loves you.
You know he does-it's why he shoved you away. You know it, but you don't want to admit it, admitting it would make it real. He loves you, he wants a commitment from you, a marriage, a family, he wants to continue being the all American boy with a loving wife and kids and a steady job as a detective, even if it's not the perfect American dream you know that's what he wants, straight down to a house with a white picket fence.
But you don't know if that's what you want. Somewhere deep down inside you want all that, a husband, a family, a nice house in the suburbs, but not now, right now all you want to do is keep on being who you are. You still have plenty of time, sure the clock's ticking, but it's doing so slowly.
Your heart keeps telling you to wait, that you still have so much more to see, that you should walk on the wild side, do something different, exciting, new. You've done exciting and new before and enjoyed it, why change to something else entirely? Why suddenly change your taste to clean cut and nice, and charming and sweet? No, no point in doing, that, not after you spent so long living the way you have.
There's a song that was on the radio that sums up your problem very well. A line in it fits your predicament to a T-"The furthest distance I've ever known is from my head to my heart" and you've never heard truer words spoken. Your head keeps telling you that he's the one, that you should love him, but your heart is telling you the most contrary thing, that he's not what you want.
And you don't know which one to pick.