Lost and Found
Disclaimer: As much as I wish I owned Neal, I don't own him or any other characters. That's too bad, because if I owned Neal, I would be married to him.
I haven't written any Tamora Pierce fanfics in quite a while, but I'm currently reading the Protector of the Small quartet (for about the fiftieth time) and this popped into my head.
Kel blamed herself. It was her own stupidity and shyness that had caused such heartache. If only she hadn't been afraid. If only she had spoken up. It was too late for that now. She couldn't go back and change things.
When she first saw her talking to Dom, she thought they were only friends. Kel hadn't seen Dom in a long time and should have known that anything could have happened during that time. Kel found out that the girl wasn't only a friend when she saw him kiss her in the courtyard. Kel had fought to keep her face as blank as stone and then ran off to her room.
She should have known something like that would happen if she didn't take action. Dom was the type of person that would attract a lot of young ladies. Kel was only a lady knight, and a bashful one at that. If only she had let him know.
She did not know the girl's name but she continued to see her with Dom. It was better not to know the girl's name. Thinking of her as a real person with an identity just made things worse.
Kel would just have to get over it. She couldn't let something silly like that destroy her. She would move on and she would never develop another crush ever again. No more broken-heartedness.
She was walking down the hall towards her room. No, not walking. More like almost jogging. She needed to get away from everybody and have some alone time. Time to think and to clear her mind all at once. She hadn't expected to meet anyone until she almost bumped right into Neal. He was almost unaware of her. He was quiet and the brightness seemed to have been extinguished from his eyes.
He had been like that ever since it happened. It had just happened so unexpectedly and was taking a toll on his well-being.
Yukimi was going to take a quick trip to the Yamani Islands to visit her family. Since she was going to marry Neal and live in Tortall, she wanted her see her family and friends. Nobody had any idea that disaster could strike. Yuki had boarded the ship and there was smooth sailing for the first few days. It seemed that the trip would turn out fine. About halfway through the voyage, Scanran pirates had attacked the ship. The ship was horribly unprepared for such a thing and it sank, drowning all of the passengers.
When Neal found out, he had shut himself up his room for three whole days, not speaking to anyone and not eating. His friends had finally barged into his room and did their best to comfort him. He started eating again but still barely spoke. He was like a ghost.
He was so distant for the first few days that it frightened Kel. He had been wounded far worse than a battle wound. No injury in battle could cause pain like this.
He eventually started to come back slowly, but Kel still didn't think he would be the same again. His sarcasm and humor had been buried and Kel didn't know when they would resurface. He now devoted full time to his healing, putting every bit of energy he possessed into preventing people from losing their lives.
He was now getting better along with the people he healed. He was still hurt inside, but he was learning to cope with it. He would never forget Yuki, but he was getting over it and seemed a little happier each day.
This was the first time that Kel had seen Neal all day, though she was the one who spent the most time with him. She was the one who had always been with him through the past weeks. She had been his medicine. "Hello," she said.
"Hello, Kel," he said. He seemed to be in a better mood than he usually was. "Why are you in such a hurry?"
Kel looked away from him. "I was going to my room." She couldn't tell him that she heard Raoul and Buri discussing Dom, and that they were saying that he would probably ask his young lady to marry him. Kel had quickly run away from them.
"I was going to mine too," Neal said quietly.
Kel heard the loneliness in his voice. He often spent time alone in his room, though it sounded like he didn't enjoy being alone in there. He sounded so forlorn.
Sh felt a wave of compassion overwhelm her. She felt horrible for feeling sorry for herself. What she was going through was nothing compared to what Neal had gone through. She didn't want him to feel lonely anymore. "Do you want me to go with you?" she asked.
"That would be nice," he replied.
She walked beside him as they made their way to his room. Neither of them said anything, but Kel didn't mind. She felt good for being there for him. He shouldn't be alone anymore. Nobody should be alone. It was at that moment that Kel realized that she was also lonely. She had friends of course, but she felt lonely all the same.
They arrived at his room and went inside, leaving the door open. "I'm sorry you can't have as much privacy with me in here," said Kel.
Neal sat down on his bed. "I don't mind."
As she looked at him sitting there, she thought back to the crush she had once had on him. It had seemed so silly then and she had felt it was right that she didn't tell him. Things were different now. She now knew that if you cared for someone, they could be taken away from you if you did nothing about it. As she stared at Neal, she knew that a ridiculous little crush would never do him any good. He never needed it back then, but now he needed love. Someone to care for him and comfort him and help him get through the days.
I'm being silly, she told herself firmly. She wasn't going to fall in love with Neal just because she felt sorry for him and felt that it was what he needed.
"You can sit down if you want," Neal said, breaking the silence. He patted the edge of the bed.
Kel sat down but felt nervous and awkward to be sitting by him. She couldn't look at him. Neal relaxed as she sat down. Her presence always made him feel better. She was so much more sensible that he was. She was always so calm and collected and knew just what to do. Being around her was a relief.
"I'm glad you're here, Kel," Neal said quietly. And he really was glad. He had needed something to hold onto and she had been his life preserver. He needed her. He hadn't realized it before until now. Ever since they had met, he had always needed her.
"Then I'm glad that I'm here too," said Kel. Anything that made him happy would make her happy. She finally looked at him. Her heart had always fluttered whenever she looked into Dom's beautiful blue eyes. But as she looked into Neal's sad green ones, she felt a fluttering inside her like she had never felt before.
She could read so much in his eyes. Neal had always been horrible at disguising his feelings. He was constantly like an open book. She could see that he needed her. She vowed that she would always be there for him, no matter what.
"So are you going to the ball held for the king's birthday tomorrow?" Neal asked. Kel was glad to see him taking interest in the things around him and chatting about normal, everyday topics.
"I don't know," she admitted. "I suppose I'll have to go, since it's for the king's birthday after all. Are you going to go?" She hoped he would. He needed to get out of his room and be social.
Neal made a face, making him seem more like the old Neal. "Dom will probably force me to go."
Kel felt dread creep upon her but did her best to hide it. "Oh. He's going to be there then?"
Neal was watching her closely. "Yes. Why? What's the matter? I thought you were friendly with Dom."
Kel felt uncomfortable under his gaze. She mustn't let him know her reasons for wanting to avoid his cousin. "Oh, yes. He's um, very nice." Her face was blank as stone.
He was still looking intently at her, but was probably unable to read anything in her face because he finally looked away.
Kel suddenly didn't want to be in the room with him anymore. If she kept on sitting beside him, just the two of them, she feared that she would begin to think crazy things. Crazy things that would probably only hurt her in the end. She had to get away from him.
She stood up. "I should leave now. There are some—things I need to take care of. I'll see you later, Neal." She started to walk away, and dared to look back at him. The look in his eyes made her almost turn around and go back to him, but she couldn't. She had to leave. She left his room and went into her own and shut the door. The image of his eyes haunted her.
x-x-x
The next day, Kel got ready for King Jonathan's birthday ball. She hadn't intended on attending, but so many people had insisted that she go. Princess Shinkokami especially wanted her to be there, and Kel couldn't let her down.
Lalasa had also pressed her to attend. "I've made you a new dress, and it will be the perfect time for you to wear it."
So Kel put on the dress and brushed out her hair and thought to herself. Would Neal be there? He had spent too much time in solitude and it wasn't good for him. If he was going, then she couldn't back out and change her mind and stay in her room. She had vowed to herself that she would be there for him, and she would.
She left her room and made her way to the banquet hall. First there would be supper, and then everyone would go into the ballroom. As soon as she walked into the hall, she looked for Neal. She didn't see him. She was about to go off and find a seat when someone tapped her on the shoulder.
She spun around. "Neal!"
He gave a small smile, though his green eyes still looked as lost as they ever did. "I decided to come, hoping you would be here. I'm glad you came, or I don't know what I would do."
He depends on me, Kel thought. Neal depended on her for strength and she was glad to feel so needed by him. Since Yuki's death, he had seemed like a lost, helpless child. She was the only one he had the guts to turn to. That made her feel special.
"Come, let's sit down," she said. She almost slipped her arm into his own but stopped herself as her arm was halfway to his. She was confused. Why was she suddenly uncomfortable with touching him?
To her dismay, Neal had seen her reach out. Her arm quickly dropped to her side. "Don't be shy, Kel," Neal said. He linked arms with her and led to her to a table where they sat side by side. Kel's head was spinning. She had felt so... odd when Neal put his arm through her own. She was horrified at the way her pulse had quickened and how her face had felt warm. This was exactly what she was trying to avoid.
This is crazy. I got over him a long time ago. It was true that he needed her, but she was sure that he only wanted her friendship. He would never feel any other way about her. His heart had belonged to Yuki, and now his heart was at the bottom of the sea.
The meal went by fast, even though she and Neal barely spoke a word to each other. Kel caught sight of Dom seated beside his golden-haired lady and hastily looked away. They seemed happy together. She braved another look at them. Seeing them together seemed... right somehow. Kel just didn't feel good enough for Dom. He deserved someone much prettier and nicer and talented than her. For some reason, she didn't feel so horrible anymore when she thought of Dom.
When the meal finished, the king said a few words and everyone left the banquet hall and went into the ballroom. The ballroom was beautifully decorated and music was playing. Kel felt out of place. Balls were never something that she enjoyed much, and dancing was definitely not one of her strong points.
She decided that she would drift away and get lost in the crowd, and then slip outside before anyone noticed she was gone.
She had already started making her way to the most crowded part of the room, when she felt the presence of Neal at her side once more. He was looking at her the way a dog looks when begging for a treat. "Would you like to dance? Only a moment. I know you don't care for it much."
She couldn't say no to the look on his face. She felt so sorry for him that she felt her heart was going to explode. "I'll dance, if you want to," she said. "I don't mind."
He nodded and didn't say another word as he took her hand in his own and put his other hand on her waist. For the first time, Kel did not feel awkward. When they put their hands on each other, it seemed right. It all seemed to fit perfectly, like the pieces of a puzzle.
As they danced, Kel realized that she was gazing at Neal with her emotions laid out on her face for all to see. She quickly put her Yamani mask on and did her best to look as blank and stone-like as possible.
"Is something the matter?" Neal asked. "You looked happy a moment ago but now you've got your Yamani look on your face. Have we have been dancing for too long?"
Kel hastily shook her head. "No! No, everything is fine."
"We can leave and go somewhere else if you want," he suggested. "I must admit, dancing isn't really as appealing as most people make it out to be."
Kel continued to keep her face blank. A part of her didn't ever want the dancing to ever stop. It felt so nice to be able to just hold Neal and be held by him. But the more sensible part of her insisted that it was better if she stopped dancing. It was better if she wasn't so close to Neal.
She nodded. "I'd like to go somewhere then."
They managed to leave the ballroom unnoticed and went out into a hallway of the palace. There wasn't a single person in sight; they were all alone. "Let's go outside," Neal suggested. Kel agreed and let him make all the decisions. She hadn't seen him so animated in a long time. They went outside into the courtyard and just stood together without saying anything. It was August and the night was warm.
"It's so peaceful out here," Kel remarked. "Unlike that crowded, stuffy ballroom."
"Yes," said Neal. "It's beautiful, isn't it?" He bit his lip and looked away from her. Kel wondered why.
They stood there for a few moments more, and then Neal went and sat down on a bench. "Come on and sit down," he offered. Kel had no choice but to go over and sit beside him. She felt nervous at having him so close to her once more. Their legs were almost touching.
Neal turned his head to look at her. Much of the sadness in his eyes had been replaced by fondness, anxiety, and pleading. "Kel, you have no idea what a help you've been to me through the past weeks. You've meant so much to me, more than I realized."
"I'm your friend," Kel said offhandedly. "It's what friends are for."
He took her by the hand and her pulse went faster. "More than just a friend. Kel, you've been the one thing I've had to live for ever since the ship sank." It was the very first time that he had mentioned Yuki's death. "It's because of you that I have kept my life and my sanity. Now that I've discovered you, I can't let you go. I feel as if I belong to you now."
"Neal, what are you saying?" Kel said slowly. Did she dare to look into his face? What would she see there? He was still holding her hand and it sent a thrill through her.
"I don't quite know myself," Neal admitted. "This is all so strange, but I know it's right. I feel guilty because this is so soon after she drowned." Kel knew he meant Yuki when he said "she". Neal continued. "But I think this is what she would have wanted. She would have wanted me to be strong and move on and be happy again. She wouldn't like to see me giving in to pain."
"I still don't understand," Kel said. Though that was only half-true. A part of her didn't understand, but yet a part of her felt hope and wondered if he was saying what she thought he was saying.
"Well then you will when I say that you and I belong together," Neal said. His green eyes had a different look in them now. Sad and yet happy at the same time. "If we remain separate, we'll fall apart. But together, everything is in perfect balance."
Kel was silent. She was still registering what Neal had told her. Her heart immediately agreed with him but her mind was still skeptical. Was this right? Did Neal love her and could she love him back? She didn't have to answer that question. She knew the answer, though she was reluctant to admit it. She had been trying to avoid something like this, but she knew she could avoid it no longer.
"Kel?" said Neal. "Was I too forward? I'm sorry. It's just the way I feel and I suppose if you don't feel the same way then-"
Kel squeezed his hand. "No. It's not that."
"It's not?"
"No. Not at all." She looked into his eyes and let her Yamani mask slip away. "I tried to deny it, but I do feel the same way. We belong together. Without me, what would happen to you?"
And then Neal let go of her hand and put his hand on her back. He bent down and kissed her on the mouth and Kel could feel all of his emotions in that kiss. All the pain and the confusion and the guilt was swept up in it and she felt like she was taking a heavy burden off of him. This was right after all. She needn't be afraid.
Neal broke the kiss and just looked at her. "Is it wrong of me, Kel? It's so soon after what happened to Yuki. Is this disrespectful to her memory?"
"I think she would understand that you need me," Kel replied.
Neal nodded and kissed her again. He had tears in his eyes. "I can never forget her, you know. That pain will never fully heal. But through losing Yuki, I have finally found you."
The end.
Well, make sure you review please. When I don't get reviews, that makes me think that my story is horrible. So review.