Chapter Twenty: Ganya
"Mel! Come and see!" Lindir led her by the hand over the bridge to their favorite spot near the waterfall. They carefully walked across the thin ledge of rock to a small cave beside the cascade of glittering water. Lindir pointed at the mist. "Watch."
As the sun sank, its final rays were caught in the fine mist around the waterfall, fracturing into a million shades of orange and gold. Falling further into the horizon, the sun changed the shimmering colors to deep reds and purples. Somewhere, far away, she could hear music playing. It seemed to be carried on the water, and she smiled as she heard it. I didn't know Liofa was in Rivendell, she thought, as she picked out the familiar Melody.
"Oh, Lindir! This is beautiful!" she looked over to her friend beside her, but he was frowning. "What is it?"
"Are you ready to talk to me?" he asked in a serious tone that seemed somewhat out of place to her in this moment. "Or shall we pretend that there's nothing wrong?" She sighed and studied her hands.
"No. Not yet." The two sat in silence for several moments, staring at the setting sun.
"I spoke to Haldir," he said finally. "He doesn't want you going any more than I do." He took her arm, and she looked at him in surprise. His hand felt like ice. "He asked me to talk to you. He thought you would listen to me." She stared into his dark eyes until he released his grip.
"I've made my decision," she said firmly. She paused, trying to put her feelings into words. "I need to do something, Lindir. I can't stay here and wait, knowing what others are sacrificing so that I can live in peace."
"You can't help him." he said, startling her. "Frodo didn't want you to go with him for this very reason!"
"How can I enjoy anything in my life again, knowing what my freedom cost him...and you." She countered. "I can't just wait here for everything to be okay."
"But you could get hurt! What would I do if something were to happen to you?" She smiled slightly and took one of his hands.
"How could anything hurt me with you by my side?" He sighed and placed his other hand on hers. They sat like this for a long moment looking into the falls.
"I can't protect you forever," he said without looking away. His words startled her. She looked into his eyes and her heart stopped. They were grey.
Like Ganya's...
"Lindir..." she felt a sudden pain in her side. She touched it, and her hand glistened red as she held it up to the light of the dying sun.
This is wrong...
She looked up at him and stared. She saw him, but didn't recognize him. He was dressed in his elvish armor, but the front of it was stained black, and is hair was tangled and muddy. As she watched, the color in his face slowly drained away.
"I'm sorry, Mel," he said. She barely heard him, still staring at his face.
So pale, Lindir...why so pale?
Dimly, she noticed that the music had stopped, and that she could no longer hear the falls. As she looked around her, she saw that she was no longer in Rivendell, but in Fangorn Forest, and she was holding her bow.
"Mélanyë..."
Lindir was fighting an Orc, and without thinking, she shot it with the arrow she'd had drawn. Another came out of the forest towards him, and again she shot it. Suddenly she was struck to the ground.
Nooo...please...
She rolled away from her attacker and drew her sword, but the Orc was already dead in front of her. Looking up, she saw Ganya salute to her. She looked to him in confusion.
"Mélanyë, wake up..."
As Ganya watched her, she turned to help Lindir, but was held back by some invisible barrier.
'Not you...'
All she could do was watch as her best friend fought alone. She turned away from the battle in fear, but then she heard the painful cry.
"Mélanyë!" Ganya shouted as he shook the girl in her sleep. She was trapped inside her own nightmare. Her hair was drenched with sweat and she was thrashing about, fighting an imagined enemy with weak fists.
"Lindir...no...not again..." she murmured. Suddenly she sat up with cry. Ganya caught her in his arms and held her as she wept on his shoulder. All he could do was rub her back and whisper soothing words in her ear.
She'd been having the same nightmares for nearly a week now, ever since the funeral. Usually Ganya was able to wake her from the terrible visions, but this time she hadn't awakened in almost two days. Ganya had been tending to her constantly, day and night, but she only got worse.
After the funeral, those who were going on to Helm's Deep had departed. Mélanyë said her last goodbyes to Aldamir and Haldir, and stayed behind with the healers. The wounded were then taken at an easy pace to heal in Lothlorien. Just before they'd arrived, she fell into a deep sleep that nothing would bring her out of. Ganya had tried everything in his power to wake her, but there was nothing he could do.
He looked into her eyes, and saw that they were swollen and bloodshot. They looked almost black in the dim candle light.
"Was it the same?" he asked her.
"It's always the same," she whispered. He sighed softly and hugged her again. He couldn't understand it. She had grieved for Lindir. Why was she having nightmares? Why was she doomed to relive his last moments over and over again to her torment? His heart ached for her. He wished, as he had done every day since she had been placed in his care, that there was something he could do for her. The healer felt as helpless as the patient.
He reached over to a table beside them and picked up a wafer of Lembas. "Eat this," he told her. She shook her head. "Eat!" he commanded gently, "You need your strength. You've been asleep for almost two days." She protested some more, but finally relented and ate a piece of the bread he held in front of her. In his other hand he produced a cup. "Water too," he said. She drained it obediently. "Feel better?' She nodded hesitantly.
"Thank you, Li-" for a heartbeat they both froze. "Ganya." An awkward silence fell between them. At length, he rose.
"Ganya," she called after him. "What is wrong with me?" she asked him. He turned and met her eyes.
"I don't know," he said. "You're wounds are healing. This is something that I cannot fix." He came to sit beside her. "You're hurting inside. All I can do is comfort you. You have to heal yourself." She avoided his eyes and was silent. "Do you want to talk?" She started at his words, and looked into his grey eyes. For an instant, it was Lindir, not Ganya, who looked back at her, but then the vision was gone. She looked away and stared into the flame of a candle burning on the table beside her.
"No," she said. "Not yet."
Days passed and Mélanyë lay in dark despair that no one could lift. Ganya tried repeatedly to talk with her, but each time she refused. She lay now, staring through the roof of her tent at the mallorn branches above her, silent tears falling to her pillow. Her thoughts were ever on Lindir, and his last moments. She blamed herself for not being there, being too busy defending herself that she let him die. She felt the wound at her side with her hand, telling herself bitterly that she deserved much worse.
'It should have been me...It was supposed to be me!'
Somewhere, deep inside, was a part of her that was still untouched by sadness and pain, and it struggled to the surface.
'It's not your fault,' it said. 'There was nothing you could have done...' Dimly, she saw Lindir's face. It was his voice she'd heard. She shook her head.
'I should have said something..told Haldir about my dream...I could have-'
'What? What could you have done? Do you think anyone would have believed your dreams? It would have changed nothing.'
'I could have warned them…'
'You would have felt even worse if they didn't believe you.'
'But I could have at least tried!' She was silent for several moments, feeling wretched for getting angry, even if she wasn't really speaking to anyone. She wasn't sure if it was the spirit of Lindir himself who was telling her this, or simply her memories of him, but she was glad to in some small way, be able to talk with him.
'I can't go on without you.' she lamented silently.
'Yes you can. You've been on your own since you left Imladris...'
'Lindir-'
'You're stronger than this. You can't go on this way. You have to let me go.'
"But I can't!" She shouted at the empty room, scaring herself. She sat up and looked around, half expecting to see Lindir sitting at the edge of the bed, but she was alone. After a moment, Ganya appeared in the doorway.
"Mélanyë, are you all right?" The concern was plain in his eyes.
'Talk to him'
She was silent. Ganya came in and sat beside her.
'Talk to him, Mel, he understands...'
'How could he understand?' she thought bitterly, 'he doesn't know what I'm feeling...he can't...'
'Are you so sure?'
"A long time ago," Ganya startled her from her thoughts. She listened, not daring to meet his eyes. "Long before you, or perhaps even your mother were born, I had a family."
'How does he know-'
'Ssshh...listen...'
"I had a wife. And a son." he smiled wanly. "He wanted to be a healer just like his father. We were travelling south on an errand when we were attacked by goblins. All I had with me was the small knife I use for cutting herbs." He paused for a long time, and Mélanyë saw his eyes glisten in the candlelight. "I was barely alive when the others found me. And Linwëlin and Finrandir..." he paused, looking at his hands, trying to keep them from trembling. He finally looked up, and the anguish she saw in them rent her heart. "You are not alone in your grief, Mélanyë," he said. A heavy silence hung between them.
"There was nothing you could have done," she whispered. He smiled sadly.
"I wish someone had been there to say that two centuries ago." Mélanyë stared at him, shocked.
'Are you ready to talk now?'
There was a long silence. She thought of all the horrible things she'd seen and done since she'd left her home in Rivendell. She realized that she could barely remember the girl who had listened intently to Bilbo's songs in the Hall of Fire, had danced with the dwarves in the Lonely Mountain. Where could she have gone? At last, just as Ganya stood, she spoke.
"It was my fault," she said. He turned towards her. "If I had gone back for him..."
"You would have died beside him," he finished for her. He paused to let his words sink in. "What would his sacrifice have been worth if you had let yourself be slain? What would he say if he knew you were here, barely alive, trapped in your despair?" She was silent. She waited for Lindir's voice, pleading silently for him to give her the words to answer Ganya, but none came.