The final instalment! I'm feeling very reflective today so I can't guarantee a happy ending. I would have loved to me this last part a songfic but doesn't allow them anymore /grumbles/ and I don't particularly want this fic to be deleted or to be banned so I'm just going to recommend that you listen to Finger Eleven's 'Sick of it All' while you read it. Ok? Oh btw back in Kai's POV.
I sigh as I stare out at the scene before me. Is this how it is always going to be? The world continuing on while I sit here and contemplate? I guess the world doesn't stop for anyone. People stop for the world but not the other way around.
That's kind of selfish of the world isn't it? I suppose it does have to keep on spinning. Time has to move on. Time has to end perfect moments. It has to prolong suffering. Maybe it's not the world that's selfish but time?
Time seems to be the enemy. Or maybe it's a friend and I'm the enemy? That's a confusing thought.
Needless to say, even though I've come to a standstill the world is going on like nothing has happened. Like my private world hasn't crashed and burnt.
There's plenty of fish in the sea. At least that's what my mother would have said if she were alive. Or at least I think so. I can't really remember her. Time's fault, I suppose. Time not only creates memories but also makes them fade away.
Fading memories into a pool of despair. That's in interesting mental picture. Kind of describes my life/existence. Maybe the point of my life is to see how far I can dive into my despair? I seem to be getting deeper and deeper the older I get. And I'm a teenager. That's really sad when you think about it.
How far could I get in my despair before I give up on hope? The faintest glimmer of hope stops me from plummeting down into the depths of my pool. The faintest glimmer is all I have left, really. If I only kept that faint glimmer then I could keep on going. I wonder how deep my pool is?
I wonder what happens when I hit rock bottom? Is that the point when you die because you've given up on life? Or is that the point when you say that it can't get any worse and an earthquake hits, creating a deep fissure in the bottom? It'd be worth hitting the bottom just to find out.
Unless, of course, the death option is the right one. If I die then I don't even have a chance of finding happiness again. Not a skerrick of hope.
Is that what death is? All hope gone? Falling into your own pit of darkness and letting it consume you? I guess I'll find out one day. I know I'll find out one day. Not today though. No, not today. Today I have to prove that I can do this, if not to Him or to the world then to myself. I have to prove that I'm bigger than this.
But maybe I'm not. Maybe I should stop teasing myself by standing here and showing myself the way out. Maybe I should take it. Maybe I should just take one step and then a few seconds of flying. Truly flying. Before nothing matters anymore.
Maybe I should. He will certainly never forgive me. He won't forgive me for being me. Who else am I meant to be? Can I be someone else? Pretend that I had a bad case of mistaken identity? But I've just defeated the purpose in that sentence.
Pretend. I can pretend many things. I can pretend I'm not tempted to finish my life here. I can pretend that He still loves me. It doesn't make a difference. It's all pretend.
Just like I can pretend that he is sorry for what he said. Like I can pretend that he didn't mean any of it. Like I can pretend that he still wants to be with me. All fake. All a mockery of the truth.
Truth is relative though, isn't it? I mean, there's my truth and then there's the rest of the world's truth. Truth can become lie. Fact can become Fiction. It's all a point of view.
Sometimes I wish I could step outside of my skin and look at the world from a different point of view. Maybe then I'd understand more. Or I could understand less.
Understanding is relative too isn't it? Is there anything that isn't subject to change?
Is there anything that is cold hard fact? Or is it all changeable? Is there anything that I can anchor myself on? Any truth I could cling to that would keep me from falling? I used to think that it was our love for each other. I guess I was wrong about that.
I seem to be wrong about a lot of things lately.
Like am I wrong about the world? Do we live in a pretend world? Or do we live in the real world and this world that I'm in right now being only a dream? Dreams normally have happy endings, don't they? Or is that a story? Is a dream the same thing as a story or are they different? Where is my happily ever after?
Did I lose it? Did I lose it when I lost Him? Or am I on a new path heading towards my happy ending. – Or heading straight into my pit as the case may be.
"Kai!"
My name… Or is it mine? There are plenty of other people named Kai. So can it really be called mine? Does that even matter?
"Kai wait! Please!"
What does he expect me to do? The only way I couldn't wait would be if I stepped off this cliff. And I could never do that. Not because I don't want to. I'm too scared.
I never thought I'd get scared. I'm never scared. It's like I was born without the fear gene. But this is my one true fear. My fear of the ultimate unknown.
Is love like that too? I thought I knew it but obviously I was wrong. What was it then? What did I feel for him? If love is a lie then what did I feel?
"Oh, thank God. Kai, I am so sorry. I was upset and I was saying things without meaning them and I couldn't stop, Kai! I just couldn't stop! Then I left and I realised what I'd done and I came back and you weren't there! And I realised that I couldn't go on without you being there! I need you to be there, Kai. I don't just want you I need you."
He flings himself on to me like a drowning sailor would cling to a rock. Ignoring the barnacles and the slippery bits. Just holding on for dear life.
I growl and fling him off my back. I would not be like that rock. A sailor only holds on to a rock until something better comes along. I can't let that happen. He could drown. He could drown in his own pit of despair. And I would watch and watch until I could watch no more.
I watch him now, keeping my emotions behind an icy mask. He was the only one who penetrated my mask. He was the only one who though to look behind my mask to find the small, scared person behind it. No more.
He stares at me and reaches forward to grip my arm. I shake him off and take a step away from him, putting distance between us.
"Kai. Please!"
Every one of his words is like a knife in my heart. Is there any other pain this great? Is that possible? I want to turn around and accept his apology. I want things to go back to hope they were. But I can't. I just can't.
He'll only hurt me again. He made his feelings clear. What do you say if not what you mean? You can say what you mean without meaning what you say. So is it possible to not mean what you say while saying what you mean? Isn't that the same thing?
"Kai. I'm so sorry. Please don't go. I wouldn't survive. You are the anchor that holds me here. Without you I would float away. And even if I do, I will always float back to you. Don't go."
Where does he think I am going? I wish I had wings so I could go somewhere. I'd leave here and never come back. It would hurt. God, it would hurt, but it'd be better then standing here listening to his lies.
He reached toward me again and I stepped back. My foot slipped and I overbalanced. I fell.
I'm not ready to die. But then again- who is? Who wants to know what is beyond death? I scrambled to find something to hold on to. Even pain is better than that journey.
I tried to hold on to the edge but my grip was loosening. I'm going to die. I'm going to die and the last thing I did was ignore the person who matters to me most in the world.
If love is a lie and life is a dream and death is unknown where am I? Where do I fit into this equation? Am I in it? Not for much longer if my grip is anything to go by.
Something warm clasps my wrists. "I can't let you go Kai. I need you too much. I love you too much."
With a colossal effort he drags me back over the edge. He pulls so hard that he falls over and I land on top of him.
Am I still in the equation? Was I meant to die then? Was I meant to be rubbed off the blackboard of life? Is he the child who asks a question just as the teacher is poised to destroy my existence, giving me a chance to live?
I stare down at his face. Tears glisten on his cheeks. Did I cause those?
Arms wrap themselves around me and he clings to me. Not like a sailor would to a rock. But like a lover who almost lost what was to precious to him.
"Never do that again. Please. If you had died I would have died in the instant your soul left your body. Maybe my body wouldn't have but I would."
His arms squeeze tighter like he is never going to let go. Like he couldn't let me fall into my pit of despair alone. Like he would dive to me so we could fall together.
I shut my eyes and lose myself in the embrace. Is this what love is? Someone so close to you that it hurts, falling into the deepest pits of hell with you for no other reason than they're with you?
"Come home, Kai. Come home with me."
Maybe life is not as complicated as it seems. Maybe the only pit is the true pit of sadness. The despair of being alone.
End
Ok. Nice and finished now. I hoped that you liked my random reflections on the world. And I -still- didn't reveal who the He is (and still don't know, mind you) so it's definitely a pick your fav pairing and run with it deal.
Please Tell me what you think