This would be chapter 11 I do hope you read, enjoy, and review.
"Hey Molly." I knew it was Carey on the other side, though nervous as I am to face him the mature part of me knows avoiding it longer will cause the discomfort to rise. After I waved him inside offering him a seat at the desk I begin to realize I have no idea where to begin, I can easily tell he doesn't either. So here we are feet from each other he staring at the cup full of dried out pens and I watching the side of his head.
"About earlier,' I begin to speak knowing one of us had to say something we're not nervous middle schoolers at our first dance glued to the wall. 'I just wanted to thank you for not freaking out in the store, I really do appreciate it." The truth is almost always the best place to begin a conversation.
"Anytime Molly, anytime. Now are you ready to tell me the reason why?" No I wasn't. I wasn't ready to tell myself let alone enough anybody else especially him. I have to have better control than this; I am the master of keeping emotions in check and placing on a fake smile or whatever emotion is mandatory to the given scene. The only time I have lost control and allowed the world to witness the fall was after Rick's death and the few months that processed it. Than I had a pretty damn good excuse, I was in mourning. Now I have no reason to lose control. Not after all my hard work to trick the world that I am hundred percent happy.
"No." The word came out as a defeated whisper.
"Please?" I want to yell out, curse, demand that he just leave me in peace, to just forget everything including your stupid letter, but I can't. I just can't. Even if I felt that way I still would still reframe from it.
"I don't know how."
"Yes you do, just start talking let it all out, even if it's a total whirlwind." Sure it seems easy in theory however placing it to reality it's always more difficult. Let the wall fall he'll catch you if that moment comes. I hear my heart begin to whisper its encouragement and desire.
"Carey why did you do it?" I catch him trying to hide an uneasy squirm from being noticed by me.
"Do what?"
"Don't play dumb when we both know perfectly well that your not. Now why did you give me that letter?" I knew he didn't want me mentioning it in either a positive or negative way, but a person can't read something like that and simply toss it aside as if it were yesterdays grocery list. He was a fool if he truly thought I could. He exhales deeply before starting to speak. He's thinking of the best response and how in the world to begin something that might not have a starting place at all.
"Because like I told you in the letter I had to let the feeling out before I exploded. I couldn't take it anymore; it was like a rock pressing in on not only my heart but my lungs as well. I am truly sorry if I scared you, that was my absolute last desire."
"It did a lot of things but I don't believe being frightened was included in that manifest of emotions felt." I quickly told him wanting sooth away that fear.
"Good I am glad. Now will you please answer a question of mine?" No. No. No. I wanted to scream it still partially unable to allow that wall to crumble to dust at my feet.
"Yes." And there it went.
"You told me I was the reason for your crying why?" I turn towards the bed and place myself on the edge of it, suddenly noticing how foolish I looked and felt to have been standing this whole time. I start to pull at a loose thread of the red fabric lightweight blanket, perfect for the warm summer evenings, all the time feeling his eyes burrowing into me waiting for an answer. Almost demanding one.
"I suppose in a way I lied about being scared. Your letter did scare me. But only because I realized I didn't disagree with your words. Now I am I saying that I love you? No. But I am also not saying that I don't love you either. I mean I do love you however in what meaning of the word I can't say. God damn you Carey!" I finally let the strongest emotion loose, anger.
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me Carey. How could you do this to me! What gave you the right? You had no right to play architect to my heart. I certainly didn't give you permission. So just forget this tomfoolery and leave me alone." Now this what a whirlwind reasoning sounds like when it comes from me.
"You don't mean that. Because if you did we both know with absolutely certainty that you would of told me that same night. Despite what I instructed you not to do. I know you didn't give me permission, but no one is able to control something like this, not even you. Molly this isn't tomfoolery as you claim it to be. Don't be scared." Gripping the blanket even tighter my fists turn white at the knuckles.
"Please leave me alone." I request of him my tone of voice having calmed considerably since the last moment I spoke.
"I can't."