A/N: Haha I love how I just got a review about Emma getting kicked out, because in this chapter it starts to be explained. Smart person and I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought that way about it, thanks! Anyway, next chapter is Spinner and will be up whenever I get around to it.

My eyes were closed and my feet touched his underneath the sheets.

"I'll wait for you to fall asleep," was the last thing he said before crashing. I didn't blame him; there I was next to him pretending that I'd been in a coma for the last twenty minutes. Pretending. It was the only thing I was good at lately.

I guess I should explain. My parents didn't have a clue. As far as they knew, group therapy was magic. They gauged my recovery by my grades, and I'd pulled those up months ago, to get them off my back. They didn't know about the days with Jay, the late-night drug runs, the weekend parties, fights, any of it. As far as they were concerned, everything had gone back to the old days. The times where everything trips to the mall and the Environmental Club.

I'd become a bad person, but at least I was a self-aware one. I knew the things I did weren't right. I still got that sinking feeling in my stomach every time I told my Mom that I'd just been over Manny's. I dreaded the look in Snake's eyes when I stepped in the door late for curfew. I knew it wasn't right, but I couldn't stop.

I couldn't stop because it was the first time in a long time that I was feeling something. Maybe I didn't love Jay, hell sometimes I hated him, but at least it was something. I liked him sometimes. I wanted to smack him other times. There were times when I found him attractive, and times when he was the most ugly human being I'd ever seen. He could be endearing and he could be an asshole. It was like a switch he turned on and off.

I think things were easier when he was cold and distant. I didn't feel so bad, and I had to work a little to get his attention. Things were never enough when they were easy. I liked them complicated.

Complications are what drove me here, three o'clock in the morning banging on Jay's door. Lying to Jay wasn't like lying to my parents. I think because with us it was a two way street. I'd caught him in a lie more than once, and just knowing that made it easier for me to do the exact same thing. Besides, it was more like an exaggeration than it was a lie. If I had gone home tonight then they probably would have looked at me with those eyes. Those ones that were full of disappointment and disgust.

I left a note on my bed. Something about a road trip, something about Sean, something about returning before university started up in the fall. It wouldn't put their minds at ease, in any sense of the word, but at least it was something. I was eighteen now anyway, I was pretty sure that meant the police couldn't do much unless they thought it was kidnapping. And I think the note I left made it clear that I was a prisoner of my own choice, no one else's. Maybe I'd call, or something.

My parents weren't the only ones who would be looking for me. Those guys down in the ravine would be. They wanted their money. Going down there alone was not the brightest of my many ideas, but I didn't think anyone would have approved of what I had in mind. Not even Jay, and you know how much that is saying.

I knew they wouldn't let me stay here if I told them that I just had to get out of my house. That I didn't want anyone showing up on my doorstep looking for a whole bunch of cash I owed him. I didn't want to have to explain that to them. So I did what I had to do. I got myself worked up.

I used my credit card to set-up two lines parallel to each other on one of the picnic tables down in the ravine. It always hurt going up, but the feeling afterwards made it all void. I closed my eyes for a minute and when I opened them, everything was brighter. It was like I had a new sense of life. I put the rest of the bag down my shirt, being careful not to let any spill out.

It started to rain on the walk over. The lightning struck and all I could do was laugh, things had gotten pretty ridiculous. It got closer and closer to me as I headed to Jay's apartment. It was like we were going to meet in the middle for one big explosion. What a way to go. Soaking wet and higher than a kite.

I waited outside his door and listened to my heartbeat for a while. Faster, faster, faster. I started to breathe harder to match the beat. I did it until I was tired, and that's when I knocked. When they didn't answer at first, I figured they were asleep. Lucky for me, I was wrong.

I couldn't think about this anymore tonight. I'd worry about it in the morning. I'd worry about them in the morning. I'd worry about what I'd tell my parents in the morning. I'd worry about how to convince Spinner into letting me stay here in the morning. For now, it would be sleep.