The next day, I found Captain Sham eating a festive Italian meal, sitting on the dock. His peg leg was waving out over the open sea, as we used to say back in my day.

"Captain Sham?" I said.

He leaped off his perch, but quickly descended back onto level. He whirled. "Blow me down! Oh, it's just you, Mrs. Anwhistle."

"You can call me Josephine," I said. "I was going to ask if you had a spare boat I could borrow."

He grinned. "You can call me Julio. Whatever for?"

"I need to travel back to the city," I explained. "I need to visit my deceased husband Ike's sister, Clara Belle."

"Sure, in fact, one of these days we could all go out for a boat ride," Captain Sham said crustily as a dry piece of toast. "I have a boat big enough to fit the kids and myself to steer!"

"Oh no," I said, waving my hands. "She isn't particularly fond of kids. And I can't ask you to come with me."

"Oh, blow me down!" Captain Sham exclaimed. "I'd be more than happy to accompany you!"

"No, I mean, I really can't," I said. "Only I am supposed to meet her."

The Captain turned red briefly, then said, "Well, just give you a ride, ya know? Aye-aye, ma' lady! This hawt dogg'll paddle-a-waddle a'-back to the city! How 'bout, Josephine?"

"Well, okay," I said. "I've already run it by the kids. Now I just need someone to watch them."

"Better proposal, ma' lady!" he cried. "My 'ssistant kin row ya, and I'll be a' watchin' the kids! Hot diggity-dog, this ole sailor loves kids!"

"Oh, Julio, you're a working man," I said. "I'll just have the neighbors-"

"Neighbors-shmaybors!" Indeed, Sham was quick to the gander but slow to the goose, as my pa used to say.

"I'll watch the chil'ren, Missus Anwhistle! 'Fact, I'll be a' takin' 'em out on a nice li'l boat ride! Teach 'em some sailor principles! Show 'em the real meanin' of seafood! Yes sir, this ole sailor's got a ripple o' muscle under this flabby bag o' bones! Where are the swabbies, anyway?"

That did it. "Julio Sham!" I screeched. "That is enough! You're insulting the children!"

"Here, here, Missus!" he said. "Swabbie is just a sailor term for 'kid.' Nuttin to it, nuttin to it a' all."

I thought it over. "Well, all right," I said. "I'll notify them first."

I walked home and found the Baudelaires sitting and playing some game.

"Children?" I said. They looked up. "Oh, hello Aunt Josephine," they said.

"You know how I told you I'll be gone a few days?" I asked. They nodded.

"Well, Captain Sham will be watching you," I said. They were completely shocked.

"Aunt Josephine, he's Count Olaf!" Klaus cried. "Now Klaus," I scolded. "Just because you don't like him very much doesn't mean you should call him names."

"It's true, Aunt Josephine," Violet said, picking up Sunny. "Please don't make us stay with him."

"Why, children," I said. "It seems like he has plenty of great ideas for your time together. He'll take you on a boat ride; he'll feed you good shrimp-"

"Sefupoiso!" Sunny said. Violet translated it to be, "With poison mixed in!"

"Now, Sunny," I said. "Why would he want to poison you?"

"He's tried to in the past," Klaus said. "He could have," Violet said. "We almost didn't eat the oatmeal he gave us."

"Because you thought it was poisoned?" I asked, horrified.

They all nodded. "Barygoo," Sunny said. Klaus translated it into, "But the raspberries weren't that bad."

"You kids can't always have bad first impressions of people," I said.

"We've had three bad first impressions of him!" Violet cried. "Please, please don't make us stay with him!"

"Children, you're staying with him and that's final!" I announced sharply.

Klaus started backing away, until he bumped a small table. He pulled out a drawer and drew a poniard.

I gasped. It was the honorary poniard Ike had been awarded in VFD almost twenty years ago.

"Put that down, Klaus," I said. Klaus stared at me, blue eyes paled. Violet nudged his arm. "Klaus, put that back," she said.

He dropped it, and the doorbell rang. I answered it.

Captain Sham stood at the door, a grim look on his face.

"Julio, whatever is the matter?" I asked.

"I've been called away for the next week," he said grimly. "Oh, then the kids, I'll just-take them with me," I said.

The kids smiled. Captain Sham didn't.